Title: El Bimbo

Author: sky75rk

A/N: I think the story is going a bit fast… don't you think so?

First, I like Neji and Gaara and Naruto, and I don't like Sasuke. I like Sasuke with Naruto more than I like Neji with Naruto. And Gaara is more of an option… so… maybe I should let you decide…

Second, I've also taken into consideration the demon fox inside Naruto. It's true that the fox can heal wounds and get poison out of the system. But the blood clot is the remnant of the wound, mind you. And even with healing abilities, there are still things that are inevitable.

Standard disclaimers apply.

Hope dangles on a string…like slow spinning redemption…

Fifth Channel: Searching for Redemption

Neji sat down in his wooden desk and stared blindly at the notebook that did not belong to him. As member of a prominent family in Konoha and being one of the most respected jounins there is, it felt immoral to read into someone else's private life. Of course, there is such a thing as 'right to privacy' and opening the damned notebook would mean that he is infringing on that right.

On the other hand, he wanted—needed—to know about the mystery surrounding the sudden change of Naruto's personality. Something was simply misplaced in the matter and it didn't feel right that Naruto would keep all this to himself.

He felt the need to protect Naruto.

Pushing all pride aside, he slowly took the bound pieces of paper into his hands and began reading. It was odd, really, when he saw Uchiha Sasuke's name on the front page when the handwriting more than screamed 'Naruto'.

Sasuke, Neji began reading. It's sunny today. You have been sitting against that tree branch for more than an hour, staring ahead. Sakura's shouting your name again and again and you ignore her. Sometimes I think you should give her more credit for still staying beside you even through all these years.

At that, the first entry finished, a small smile placed upon the reader's face. It was really Naruto, the way he wrote, what he wrote and the reaction that contained it. Neji found that he was extremely interested at what else was written in the journal. And the question of why the blonde was addressing his entries to Sasuke intrigue him more.

Sasuke, it's sunny again today. Training was tough today, especially since you're getting stronger everyday. You smiled a little today. I think you're proud of your accomplishments. I know I am.

Next page.

Sasuke, it's cloudy today, but the sun still struggles to show his presence to us. I didn't see you anywhere so I figured that you did not leave your house. Why do you force yourself to stay alone anyway?

Another…

Sasuke, the wind is harsh today, and rain is slightly pouring down, yet, you still continued to train. I wish you would take care of yourself since I know when you get sick you wouldn't ask for anybody's help.

Another…

Sasuke, it's sunny today. As usual, we got into a fight. You always insult me and I know I insult you back, but I never try to retaliate more than once or twice. I always let you win since I know it makes you feel good. You like winning. And if beating me and insulting me to the point that I won't retort back would make you feel good, then I would gladly give you that pleasure.

Neji sighed, flipping to the next page but not reading anything yet. Now he knew why the blonde would just let Sasuke taunt him and beat him in their spars and fights. Sasuke, he knew, never noticed it though. And Neji knew that Naruto is seeing that fact as well. Sasuke didn't pay attention to his surrounding as long as he wins. He didn't think that Naruto is capable of beating him down with a blink of an eye. Besides, the blonde on no account wanted to show that to the Uchiha.

So this is how you feel about him…The white-eyed boy saddened at the thought; his emotionless eyes betraying his inner thoughts. Fingering the notebook in his hand, he returned to what he was doing and scanned through the next pages, knowing that the blue-eyed boy was relaying his emotions to the oblivious black-eyed youth. Somehow, it felt wrong to invade such intimate sentiments now…

What is this? An inquisitive eye never misses a thing as it seems. His fingers fumble through a few pieces of blank pages before coming across legible handwriting again. The entries were longer than the first once, but they were still addressed to Uchiha. He continued flipping to other pages and found that most of them were also short but some of them were long. And as he scanned them, he sensed traces of chakra that was left within it, indicating that it was newly written. Then the memories of Naruto writing after their mission plagued him. He went back to the first page after the series of blank pages.

Sasuke, turn away from the crowd and its fruitless pursuit of fame and gold. Never look back as you close your door to the sorry tumult of greed and ambition. Wipe away your tears of failure and misfortune. Lay aside your heavy load and rest until your heart is still. Be at peace. Already it is later than you think, for your earthly life, at best, is only the blink of an eyes between two eternities. Nothing here can harm you except yourself. Do those which you dread and cherish those victories with pride. Concentrate your energy. To be everywhere is to be nowhere.

Be jealous of your time, since it is your greatest treasure. Reconsider your goals. Before you set your heart too much on anything, examine how happy they are who already possess what your desire. Love your family and count you blessings. Reflect how eagerly they would sought if you do not have them. Put aside your impossible dreams and complete the task at hand no matter how distasteful. All great achievements come from working and waiting. Be patient. God's delays are never God's denials. Hold on. Hold fast. Know that your paymaster is always near. What you sow, good or evil that you will reap. Never blame your condition on others. You are what you are through your choice alone. Learn to live with honest poverty, if you must, and turn to more important matters than transporting gold to your grave.

Neji stopped at that point, marveling at where those words came from. It wasn't like Naruto to say those kinds of advices. But why is it? Why is it I feel that he's saying goodbye? Neji closed his eyes then carried on reading.

Sasuke, anxiety is the rust of life; when you add tomorrow's to today's, their weight becomes unbearable. Avoid the mourner's bench and give thanks, instead, for your defeats. You would not receive them if you did not need them. Always learn from others. He who teaches himself has a fool for a master. Be careful. Do not overload your conscience. Conduct your life as if it were spent in an arena filled with tattlers. Avoid boasting. If you see anything in you that puffs you with pride look closer and you will find more than enough to make you humble.

Be wise. Realize that all men are not created equal, for there is no equality in nature; yet no man was ever born whose work was not born with him. Work everyday as if it were your first, yet tenderly treat the lives you touch as if they will all end at midnight. Love everyone, even those who deny you, for hate is a luxury you cannot afford. Seek out those in need. Learn that he who delivers with one hand will always gather with two. Be of good cheer. Above all, remember that very little is needed to make a happy life. Look up. Reach out. Cling simply to God and journey quietly on your pathway to forever with charity and a smile. When you depart it will be said by all that your legacy was a better world than the one you found.

Neji sighed. The meanings contained in it were beautiful, and he felt like it shed some light in his tattered soul. Then he turned to the next page.

Sasuke, rain was unstoppable, pouring over the outside with sadistic cruelty. Trees were twisting from the ferocious blowing of the wind. I can still recall what I witness from the glass window. I saw a pair of translucent blue eyes staring as the water washed everything away. I knew then it was my image so I held out my hands, watched as the water flow unto my palms, and then I withdrew them.

I guess that not even rain can wash away the blood that spilt in my hands

It replayed, again and again in my mind, in my eyes. Nothing ceases it from going on. The incessant display of mockery in my eyes that was reflected in my victim's soul, the silent plea for alleviation from his companion…

I wound the wire around their necks and I killed them, but their screams still echo in my mind.

Sasuke, today my mission is to kill a woman whom I've come to know, has a family struggling to survive. I don't know why the client wanted that woman dead, and as I saw her, I can sense nothing evil of any sort and I felt guilty. I didn't want to kill that woman. I didn't want to take away the mother of those children. But I have no choice! Neji asked me whether I would do the job or not, and somehow, I think he knows that I was reluctant. But I told him that I will do it. I have to.

Stealthily, I entered their home. And as I advanced, I could swear that her eyes just pleaded for me to spare her. But what could I do? I had no choice! I have to finish the mission.

Again, my target screamed her voiceless scream. And at the corner of my eye, I saw her children coming out of their rooms. I left as quietly as I came.

Sasuke, our target seemed to hire guards that he thought would protect him. But he was wrong. And I wasn't happy about it. I needed to get close to the target and that alone entailed me to kill even more people. Those innocent, ignorant people…

I used my wire to grapple the hired men to the ground. I didn't want to kill them, but I couldn't let them get in the way. I knocked them unconscious instead. Neji hurriedly came pass me and I just stood there until he was done. I was relieved that Neji did not ask me or gave me a choice. For the first time, I was glad that I wasn't the one who finished the things through.

Neji slammed the notebook on his desk and his hand traveled to the chair that was neatly tucked under the desk. He gripped the edge of the desk so hard that the wood was crushed into fine grains of sand in his hand. He couldn't explain how he was feeling at the moment. Whether he was mad or puzzled or whether he should comfort the broken boy that wrote all those entries in the journal… he was lost, and he didn't like it.

The wind blew, wanting to cool the mixed up boy down, and simultaneously, the notebook tossed to the last entry.

Neji read again.

Sasuke, don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear. For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand mask; masks that I'm afraid to take off though none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that's good and second nature with me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.

I gave you an impression that I'm secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me. That confidence is my name and coolness my game. That the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one… please don't believe me… please…

My face may seem smooth, but my surface is a mask, my ever varying and ever-concealing mask. Beneath lays no smugness, no complacence. Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.

But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know. I panic at the thought of being exposed. That is why I frantically create a mask to hide behind, a nonchalant, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation. My only salvation. And I know it. If it is followed by acceptance, it is followed by love. It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself. From my own self-built prison wall, from the barriers that I also painstakingly erect.

It's the only thing that can assure me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something. But I don't tell you this, I don't dare. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me.

I'm afraid that deep down I am nothing, that I'm just no good, and you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a façade of assurance without a trembling child within.

And my life becomes a front.

I idly chatter to you in the suave tone of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing, and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when I'm going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying. What I'd like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say, but what I cannot say.

I dislike hiding. Honestly. I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game…

I'd like to be really genuine and spontaneous and me… but you have to help me… I need you to help me…

Please…please…

A warm tear slid down the Hyuuga's usually passive face, as he closed the notebook with a soft 'puff'. He never imagined that the sunny and genki boy was filled with so much remorse and anguish, and other things he thought he had experienced himself. After reading, Neji was ashamed of his previous actions towards that main house, his hate towards them, towards the world. He thought the world crashed above him. He realized that he was selfish, and that he didn't really know the outside world. He didn't know what real pain really was.

And this… this golden youth was the one who taught him the most important lesson that he couldn't have learned even with years spent inside the academy or years of experience outside it. How the boy taught him compassion and never giving up and still trying to stand up even when you're down and alone.

At this instant, he understood why when he read the previous entry; he felt that Naruto was saying goodbye.

He did say goodbye. He said 'goodbye' to the Naruto who was innocent and once carefree and said 'hello' to the Naruto whose hands are forever stained in blood.

And even if the feelings were now evident to him, he knew that Uchiha Sasuke wasn't.

You are such an idiot Uchiha, if you won't give Naruto salvation… I will…

Frantic hands rummaged through the chunks of woods that were left behind hours ago. Blue eyes glimmered with anxiety that somehow, someone must've found his binder. You. Are. So. Stupid. Uzumaki Naruto. How could you just leave your most important possession behind? He taunted himself. Wait… when I left, Neji was still here. Maybe he saw it and got it. He hurriedly left the site and ran to the Hyuuga's house.

He knocked, with shaky hands he knocked softly, praying in his mind that the long-haired boy would have the sympathy to not read the contents of the black binder. He knocked with dread that his secret may have been discovered. Faith and trust Naruto. Faith and trust.

Colorless eyes greeted his own blue, staring at him with uncertainty and at this he was troubled; troubled to the extent that the rest of his worries were clouded with another, when he thought he saw the knowing look on his partner's face.

He peered behind Neji's shoulder and saw what he was looking for on top of the said desk, opened.

Naruto rushed to gather it, closing it immediately and noticed the open window and the wind rushing through it.

"You didn't… you didn't read it right Neji?" fear was evident in his eyes and they stared at Neji's who didn't answer. "Tell me, you didn't right? Right?" the blonde pushed the long-haired boy into the wall, the notebook dropping to oblivion.

"Right?" he pressed on, his nails digging in Neji's shoulders. Neji turned away.

"Fuck you," Naruto spat. "How dare you squeeze your nose into my life! Fuck you!" he shouted, punching the boy that was trapped between him and the wall. "What are you supposed to do now, huh? After knowing what I feel, do you think you can do anything about it? Do you think you can collect the broken pieces and paste them back together? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN REDEEM ME?"

Something inside Neji snapped and he pushed the blonde away from him and attacked back. "Why? Why do you keep torturing yourself like this? If you didn't want to kill anybody you could've just said no! Why else would you have written those entries then?" Neji asked back, his hands holding down the flailing ones of Naruto. "Isn't redemption what you really want?" he hissed.

Naruto glared at him. "Don't mock me Hyuuga. You don't know anything,"

"Oh, I think I know enough,"

"Fuck you,"

"No," colorless eyes stared boldly at blue "Fuck YOU. Whoever said that you have no choice in our missions? Whoever said that you should accept the missions you don't want to do? Whoever said that you should torment yourself like this? You have a choice Naruto!"

Naruto, sensing that his hands were no longer held bound by the other boy, released himself from his grasp. "You don't understand me! I don't have any choice, I DON'T! I need the money… No. I want the money!"

Neji flinched, never expecting those words to come out straight from the loudmouth's mouth. "Money? So is money everything that you're willing to sell your sanity to anything? Is money so important that you're willing to sell your life to whoever's giving it?"

"Yes," Naruto answered without hesitation.

Neji glared at the blonde. "Really? How much are you then Naruto?"

At this question, the blonde boy was taken aback, but then realizing what Neji meant, he glared back, his stare equally defiant as the Hyuuga's. "Why? How much can you give me Neji?"

-Continued-

A/N: "Please hear what I'm not saying" the last entry in the chapter is just adapted. And the first entry after the series of blank pages is entitled "Credenda" by Og Mandido and Buddy Kaye

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