Hi! Deb-lil is back yet again. But then, Deb-lil always eventually comes back. Well, today was deemed a day for my return, so here's a new chapter. Hope you like it!

Disclaimer: Still own nothing 'cept the plot.

Chapter 3: Operation 'Get a Wand'

Still disbelieving of her incredible luck, Bellatrix let the Healer drag her off to one of the upper stories of St. Mungo's hospital.

"Now Melanie, you remember our strict policy about wandering off, don't you?"

"Uh," Bella thought fast, "no. Please rephrase it, woman."

"Rephrase?" The Healer asked kindly, still holding Bella's hand. "My, you've been learning big words. Well, our policy is there will be no wandering unless you're accompanied by a Healer."

Bella nodded. Looks like I'm going to have to break that one, huh? She thought.

"Here we are. Janus Thickey ward."

"What?" Bella asked in shock. That was the same ward where they were keeping that Lockhart fellow.

The healer smiled pitifully. "Oh, you poor dear. You don't remember. We moved you last week. You were getting to be a bit too violent for the AST ward.

"Excuse me, the what?" Bella demanded, pulling her hand from the woman's grasp.

"It's not important, honey."

Bella glared. "I'll be the judge of that."

The Healer looked a bit taken aback at being addressed like this by a patient. "It's the Anti-Sadistic Therapy Ward. Therapy didn't work to well for you—hey! Where'd you get those robes!" She had just noticed Bella was wearing lime green Healer garb.

But Bella wasn't the least bit worried by the woman's newest discovery. The façade of Melanie would protect her. "What do you mean, 'Anti-Sadist'? I am not a sadist."

"Oh, of course not, dear. Here, if you want to wear those robes, you may. But you have to be good if you want to see the Healer-in-Charge."

Bella pursed her lips as the Healer unlocked the door to Janus Thickey with Bella's wand.

"Good night, dear." The Healer said, pushing Bella onto the only vacant bed.

"Let me have my wand back." Bella sneered.

The woman chuckled. "I'm sure the real owner of this wand is very worried about it. I think I better hang onto it. 'Night."

And the lock clicked from the outside.

Bella shivered. How in the name of Hell was she going to get the Healer now! If she waited to be brought to the Healer, she wouldn't have a wand to do him in with. But if she stole one…The only problem was she was officially wandless and locked in a hospital ward. There wasn't even a wand to steal. Bella shook her head, he grungy black hair whipping around her shoulders. How could one simple little capture-mission grow to be so complicated? She wondered.

"Oh, my gosh! It's Hormone!"

Bella winced as the innocent eyes of the attractive-yet-vacant man peered at her from another bed.

"Hormone! I thought you died!" He cried, springing to his feet. Bella noticed he was clad in fuzzy slippers.

Why won't you die? Bellatrix wondered before saying, "No, Gilderoy, I'm not dead."

"Did you come here to learn songs and dances too?" Lockhart asked, his blue eyes obviously shining even in the dark.

"No…" Bella answered, still sidetracked.

"I'm gonna teach you one! I'm gonna teach Hormone a song! A songie, song, song! A songie, song, song! A ssssssssssooooooonnnnnnnnnggggggg—"

"Will you shut up!" Bella demanded, her head pounding. What would the Dark Lord do if he saw her talking to such company?

Lockhart blinked. "No." He said simply.

"What?" Bella asked him.

"I will not shut up until you sing with me."

Bella stared at him. Was she about to take orders from a probable Muggle-born? Bella settled on ignoring him, and contemplated her escape…one that preferably involved the capture of the Healer-in-Charge as well.

"If you don't sing…I'll…kick you!"

Bella continued to tune him out.

"I'll KICK you!" Lockhart repeated.

Bella ignored him until she felt a sharp jab in the leg.

"Ouch!" She yelled. Quick as a flash, Bella's reflexes shot into play, and she'd knocked Lockhart across the room.

He was unfazed. "Let's sing!" He cried, jumping to his feet.

"Fine," Bella said, realizing defeat. "What do you want to…to sing?"

"Sticky Moose." Answered Lockhart. "I sing one line, and you repeat it!"

"Fine. Go on."

Lockhart cleared his throat loudly. "There was a sticky moose!"

"There was a sticky moose."

"Who liked to drink a lot of juice!" Lockhart cried, spinning around the ward.

"Who liked to drink a lot of juice."

"There was a sticky mo-oo-se!"

"There was a sticky moose."

"Who liked to drink a lot of juice!"

"Who liked to drink a lot of juice."

"While singin' 'Wa-oh-way-oh'!"

"While singin' 'Wa-oh-way-oh'." Bella repeated with a grimace.

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'." Bella concluded. "There, now can you shut up?"

"EEEEEEEE!" Lockhart shrieked. "There are more verses!"

"Are there now?" Bella asked through gritted teeth.

"Now we dance!" Lockhart cried, pulling Bella up off the bed.

This had gone far enough. "Stop it, damn you!" She yelled, prying him off her.

"Hormone!" He whined. "C'mooooonnnnnn…"

"Fine." She sighed.

"The moose's name was Fred!" Lockhart continued the singing, this time pulling Bella around the ward in a kind of crazed waltz.

"The moose's name was Fred."

"He liked to drink his juice in bed!"

"He liked to drink his juice in bed."

"The moose's name was Fre-ed!"

"The moose's name was Fred."

"He liked to drink his juice in bed!"

"He liked to drink his juice in bed." Bella concluded. Then, to her disgust, Lockhart began the chorus.

"And he was singin, 'Wa-oh-way-oh'!"

"Singin' 'Wa-oh-way-oh'."

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'."

Lockhart concluded the chorus with a kind of pirouette leap; and consequently, he crashed into the beds at the far end of the ward.

Rolling her eyes, Bella went to help him up. But she stopped at the sight of the two people in the far beds.

A man and a woman, both had slept through the blatant disturbance, had a sort of dark and vague look plastered over their faces. Bella didn't need an Auror to tell her what had happened to them; they'd been Crucio'd, and Crucio'd very well. She grinned at their pathetic state, her sadistic side shining in all its glory.

"Gilderoy, what are their names?" She asked, pointing to the two people.

Lockhart, having extracted himself from the man's hangings, looked carelessly over his shoulder at his dorm mates. "Hmm? He's Mister Saggy-bottom, and that's his wife, Malice."

Bella knitted her eyebrows. There was something wonderfully familiar about those two disturbed people…she just didn't know what.

"C'mon, Hormone! Next verse!"

"Oh Merlin…ay!" Bella spluttered as Lockhart grabbed her hands once again.

"Fred drank his juice with care!" Lockhart sang.

"Fred drank his juice with care." Bella repeated.

"But he spilled some on his hair!"

"But he spilled some on his hair."

"He drank his juice with ca-are!"

He drank his juice with care."

"Buuut he spilled some on his hair!"

"But he spilled some on his hair."

"So he started singin'—"

"Enough!" Bella yelled, not thinking she could stand another verse. "That's enough! I need to think about what I'm gonna do!" She knew she sounded whiny, but she didn't care.

"CHORUS!" Lockhart screeched.

And before she could think, Bella found herself singin:

"'Wa-oh-way-oh'."

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh-way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Way-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Way-oh-way-oh'."

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'!"

"'Wa-oh-oh-way-oh'."

"HE'S A MOOSE! FULL OF JUICE! AND HE'S ON THE LOOOOOOSE!"

Lockhart let the last notes warble out for a good minute. Bella was even a bit shocked at the man's lung capacity.

"Hahaha!" Lockhart collapsed on his bed. "Now, what was it that Miss Hormone needed to think about?"

"Not your business." Bella sneered, adopting the preoccupied voice once again. "I need to think…"

"Tell me." Lockhart commanded.

Bella ignored him.

"Tell me!" Lockhart yelled, kicking Bella in the leg.

"Damn you." Sighed Bella. To shut him up, she said, "I need a wand."

To her horror, Lockhart laughed. "Well, why didn't you say so?"

"What?"

"I have a wand!"

"You have a wand." Bella repeated the phrase in disbelief.

"Yup. Yup. Yup." Lockhart answered excitedly, but I keep it in with my Saggy-Bottom."

"You keep it where with your what?" Bella asked, disgusted.

You know!" Lockhart sighed, as if he were speaking to a very dim-witted person. "Mr. Saggy-Bottom." He pointed sharply at the disturbed man.

Bella looked at him. "Mr. Um…Saggy-Bottom's got a wand?"

"Yeah." Lockhart replied. "I keep it in his bedside table. It was the first wand I ever stole from Miss Miriam…er—borrowed. I borrowed it. I never stole anything."

Bella wasn't listening. She was making her way over the collapsed curtains that once surrounded the disturbed man's bed. She reached a small table and pulled open the drawer. There lay her prize.

Nine inches long Birch wood with the feel of a unicorn tail hair core, Bella held an Ollivander creation. Even better. Ollivander was one of her boys now.

"Lockhart." Bella said gravely, holding the wand to her chest. "Thanks a lot." She felt her eyes narrow. "You helped me a lot. You've helped me more than you can know…"

All right, so now Bellabitch is ready to capture her target at last. Let me know what you thought of this chapter. As always, all reviews are welcome. Naturally, nice ones are preferred, but flame if you must. Hell, I'm a teen-ager. I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't like playing with fire now and then.

Reviewers: (Old reviewers, get ready to be showered with thanks)

BAGGE: Yep, Lockhart is just a loveable simpleton and Bellabitch…well…is SADIST OF THE CENTURY an understatement? So daytime is pretty crazy at St. Mungo's hospital. Don't you feel enlightened now that you know what the patients do at night? Thanks for your review!

Marauder4ever: Yep, the continuation's in honor of those who reviewed, i.e. you, QuidditchMoke, Dead-Luthien, Tikvah Ariel, theHPgang and someone else…oh yeah, Bagge up there. Hope you like this one. It was wicked fun to write.

QuidditchMoke: I agree. Somehow, writing about Bella and Lockhart is surprisingly fun, not to mention funny. Thanks for your nice review. As for your stories, they DON'T suck. I kinda like HP and Me. It's cute, and I bet it's harder then people think to fit an extra character into an already created scene. I've read about seven chappies in it, and I can't wait to get back. (And I'll leave plenty of reviews on your doorstep too!)

Dead-Luthien: Yep, I can take a guess as to what you were going to say, so here's what I say: Thank you! But, I wasn't prepared for what D'Art did.

YOUR BIRD FLEW TO AMERICA!

D'Art: Deb-lil!

Me: AAHHHHH! Don't sneak up on me!

D'Art: I sînt mergi la a lua tot al tău bomboană!

Me: But D'Art, I don't speak Romanian!

D'Art: Then type it into a translator!

So I did, and apparently, D'Art is going to take all my candy too!

Me: NOOOOO!

And D'Artagnan flies off into the night with MY candy in his beak.

Thanks for the review, and I hope you like this chapter. (And tell D'Art I want my candy back!)

Deb-lil will return sometime in the near future…

She always does…

…eventually.