as told by Roger
5 August
"Okay, this time we're really leaving. Roger, are you sure you don't want us to take Noah with us"
Ella pops her head into the backroom.
I nod, "Yeah, I doubt he'd really be into dress shopping."
She shrugs and soon we can hear her and Kenna exit the loft door for the fifth time, only this time they don't reappear. My attention goes back to the piles of crap around me, Mark and Noah.
I reach down and pull out something that is buried under a pile of newspaper.
"Why do we have an ab roller?" I ask trying to examine what I'm holding.
Mark looks at it, and begins to laugh, "You were drunk and pulled it of some dumpster...I think you thought it did something else."
I glare at him.
He put his hands up, "I swear. It was when we first moved in here. Ask Benny..."
"He was probably drunk, too..."
"Oh, right."
We slowly start to throw things away and the room starts to slowly get emptier. It's hard looking at some of this stuff. Some of the stuff reminding me how much I've screwed up. Most of the stuff left over from April is laying broken in a box. How fitting...broken things belonging to a broken person...and yet, you still want to look. You can still see or pretend to see how great it once was, how great your mind believes it to be. I quickly toss the box into the trash, that flames been out for a long time.
I look up to find Mark dwelling over two pieces of what once was a stuffed animal. I think Mo gave him that.
"Mark."
"Huh?"
I offer the trash bag, he takes a few seconds before fiercely, well as fierce as Mark can get, throwing it in the trash.
" 'Addy. look."
My attention turns to Noah who is proudly holding up a shoebox he has uncovered, like he's found some buried treasure.
"What have you got there, little man?"
He comes over and plops into my lap. He opens the lid and I cans see some stuff from when Mimi and I slept in the room next door.
"Wha's dis?"
He pulls out a small box.
"Roger?" I can hear Mark, but I ignore him and pull the ring out of the box.
"I was gonna give this to your mommy when you and her came home from the hospital."
I had bought it two days before she went into labor...before she died. I didn't tell anyone, not even Mark knew, it was just going to be one big surprise. But so much for that right? I just couldn't bring myself to take it back...I just tossed into one of the boxes that Mark was dragging to bury here.
Noah turns to face me,
"Are you sad dat Mommy didn come home?"
I nod, "Yeah."
He turns back around and sits there for a few moments.
"Sorry." He says quietly.
"Why are you sorry?"
" 'Cos I came home, not Mommy and dat made you sad."
That took me off guard. How in the hell...could he think like that. I pull him up to face me, and sigh.
"Noah, you shouldn't be sorry, okay?...When your mom...didn't come home, yes I was sad, but it wasn't becuase you came home instead. I was...happy when you came home, okay? I don't want you to be sorry...you didn't do anything wrong. Remember, you only say your sorry when you do something wrong. You have never made me sad...you have always made me proud, okay?"
He nods, and I hope,...pray he understands what I'm trying to tell him.
"I love you, Noah."
" 'ove you too."
"Come 'ere."
I pull him back into my lap and pull out some pictures...
"This is your mom and me...and this one is your mom, me, and Mark..."
"Mark ooks funny."
"Let me see." Mark has made himself known again, and moves over to where we are sitting before pulling out a picture I had purposely left in the box.
"Well, look at this one."
Noah looks, and soon goes into a giggling fest.
"How about we go get you some cookies?"
Noah nods, gets up, and runs to the kitchen. Once I've got him set up in the living room I head back and slowly gather the box together.
"You alright?"
I look up to see Mark leaning against wall, concerned.
I shrug, "I'm fine, it was just hard...But, I would have been stupid to think it would have never come up, right?"
He stares at me, like he's trying to read into what I'm saying, but gives up and just nods.
"Let's get this done."
Author's notes:
Okay, so I know this is more of a filler chapter, but quess what comes next? Yay.
Sorry, it took so long to get up...my inspiration deflated a bit when I found out the RENT was only coming out to NY, LA, and Toronto on the the 11th and everyone else has to wait until the 23rd.
But I found some thing that kind of pushed me...the soundtrack is supposed to come out 27 Sept.!
were you guys able to catch them on the TODAY show...and has extra footage from that and their performance in Bryant park...has a bit of "Take me or Leave me"
carsonsheir: Well, I mean it...Thanks as always...hopefully it stays that way...and while I agree with you, but it never hurts to try...and personal expierence? Oh...and as to Allison...I'm sure I was clear was I?...she um...died at the end...
BwayDiva: Thanks! and it's coming up next
Lils: know what you're talking about Benny, it's hard to hate him...Thanks as always
Kelby: did you catch it...and thanks.
until next time, this is me...signing out