I am full of regrets
For all the things that I've done and said
And I don't know if it'll ever be ok to show
My face around here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear
Tangled – Maroon 5

J.T

I hadn't replied when Brian had said that to me. What could I have said? 'Oh, gee, thanks, you really think so?' No, not really. I'm not sure if he took my silence as a bad thing or if he took it as anything at all. Then he had gotten up, asked me if I needed anything to which I responded no, and then he walked away with a 'goodnight' and just…left me there. How the hell did he expect me to just…fall asleep after being asleep for so many hours? So, after that, I just sat there on his couch and thought. My brain had a million questions that wanted to be answered. Like: if Brian's such an asshole how come he's being so fucking nice to me? Maybe I'll even ask Debbie and see what she has to say that.

Anyway – that was probably the number one question that had run through my mind until Brian got up in the morning. Or what I'm assuming is morning.

"Have you been awake this entire time?"

"Define 'this entire time'."

"You woke up at ten. It's six now."

"Yeah, I've been awake."

I hear him walk away then, "Are you hungry?" I don't say anything at first and I think it over. I'm hungry, yeah, but can I actually eat? Does one really want to eat after being sexually harassed the day before? He beats me to answering. "Probably a stupid question." I nod in agreement and slowly stand up off the sofa. I don't know what to do with myself in a strange environment. And with Brian around. All I know is that I can't sit anymore. I'm tired of sitting and, probably, a little sore too. "Yeah, stupid…but I am thirsty." I hear the sound of Brian swinging his fridge open and I slowly follow the sound. I don't even know if he wants me in his kitchen. Some people are weird about people being in their kitchens.

"I have water, water, and…more water…I haven't really gone grocery shopping. Well, I really don't go at all…I'm not usually home much…"

He's rambling. I can tell and I can also tell that he can tell that I can tell. If that makes any sense at all. He immediately shuts his mouth and the fridge door slams shut. I shrug. "I kinda figured – I mean, I kinda figured that you weren't home much." I'm such a little shit. He's done nothing but treat me nice since I met him and I'm pouring out all the hostility I can onto him. I see the very faint outline of, what I think is, a counter and reach out and grab the edge. Yes, counter. My hip bumps into a stool and I quickly reach out and grab it before it can fall. Save. I slowly seat myself onto it and wait for his reaction. He'll probably be pissed. "Justin…"

"What?"

He hands me a bottle of cold water and I busy myself with unscrewing the lid and taking a long sip. My mouth is unusually dry and I have a strong feeling that Brian's going to talk my ass off. "Never mind." He lets out a heavy sigh and I can hear him fiddling around with things on the other side of the counter. I don't know why but I feel oddly and stupidly disappointed when he doesn't talk my ass off. As if I had been hoping he would talk my ass off. As if he just…dropped me. I mentally curse at myself and hope I don't look disappointed too. "It's just that…" Ok, so maybe he will talk my ass off. I ignore the feeling of my stupid gay hopes rising at the fact. "You shouldn't believe everything people tell you."

I snort. Yes, that's me: heartless, little, fucking, asshole. I'm a shit.

"So you don't fuck everything that moves?"

I really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I really, really do. He lets out another one of those heavy, slightly down, sighs and I feel even guiltier. But…but…HE'S the one who should be feeling guilty right now. Not me! I didn't do anything. I'm just stating the truth. But why the hell does it feel so…horrible? Let's see, Justin, because he just fucking HELPED you and TOOK CARE of you and CARED about you and didn't say ONE mean thing to you the entire time. I ignore myself. I ignore myself because myself is…pretty much right. I hate my mother fucking self sometimes. Like right now.

"No, I do but,"

"But you've suddenly changed? You want to engage yourself in the world of dating?"

God, can't I just keep my mouth shut for one fucking second? Obviously not. "That's not it." I twirl the bottle of water in my hands, "Then what is it?"

B.K

He's difficult. Fucking difficult. He knows it too, little fucker. I wish I could just…reach out and slap him but he's right too, which makes everything even worst. It's not that I want to "engage myself in the world of dating" as he so bluntly put it – I just want him. And not just to fuck. I just want and I can't quite explain it. All I know is that I want him and not just for sexual reasons but I can't tell him that. He seems adamant in taking all the chances he can to tell me that I'm a horrible person. Of course, I don't blame him. If I was in his shoes and I thought someone just wanted me for my ass then…I'd probably be pissed too.

"I don't know what it is."

He does that snorting/scoffing thing again. I. Hate. Debbie. I hate. Her. She should just mind her own business for once in her fucking life. I watch as he twirls his bottle of water around in circles and I almost take it away from him because it's extremely annoying at the moment. He smirks over at me and I want to slap it off. Or kiss it off maybe. He'd probably freak though if I even came close to doing that. That would just make my entire situation with him even worst. Plus, he'd probably scream rape or something. Speaking of rape, I'm going to kill that stupid Chris fucking Hobbs. I would've gone after him yesterday if I hadn't decided to take care of Justin instead.

"Brian, this is simple. You fuck. Nothing else. There isn't anything else to it and I highly doubt that that can change after going out with me once."

"You've been listening to Debbie real closely haven't you? Too bad she doesn't operate my feelings and too bad she can't read my fucking mind. Too bad you don't know what the hell you're talking about."

I can't read his expression for a moment and the, surprisingly, he doesn't look at me with a look if disgust like earlier. Just…curiosity.

"How come you did?"

"You're not a very specific person are you?"

He rolls his eyes and the twirling of his water bottle suddenly stops.

"Why'd you ask me out? From what I gathered from Debbie, you don't date."

Wasn't this the question everyone wanted to know? Including me. I hesitate on answering. What the hell am I supposed to say? That I had a quick change of heart? No fucking way. I guess he grows tired of my hesitating because, "You do know that that was a date, right?" I can hear a hint of amusement in his voice and I smile slightly. Maybe he's lightening up a little bit. Maybe he's cutting me some slack finally. "Yes, I know it was a date, thank you very much." He smiles and I'm surprised. Whatever – maybe he's Bi Polar. "Than why is it talking you so long to answer the question? It's really simple. Why did you ask me out? Did you figure it would be easier to get into the blind kids pants if you played nice first?"

"Maybe."

I hope he knows I'm teasing and he does 'cause his smile gets wider.

"It probably would've worked too."

"Yeah, if Debbie hadn't gotten to you first."

We're both silent but I know he's not mad because he still has a small smile on his face and he resumes twirling the stupid fucking bottle of water in his hands again. I watch him and I wonder if he knows I'm watching him because he's blind. So he obviously can't see that I'm watching him. I wonder if he can feel it. Probably. His smiles slowly disappears and a sincerely confused look comes across his face.

"So?"

"So what?"

"So, why'd you do it?"

Shit – that question again and this time I have to answer it. Honestly too. How can I do that, though, when I don't even know the honest answer to that?

"I…I don't know."

"Ok."

For the next hour we actually engage in polite conversation. Well, actually, I basically told him that I was going to kill that Chris fucker for him, he laughed, and silence ensued. Though, it was comfortable silence. Finally he told me that he needed to go home because his mom was obviously worried as hell about him. I lead him out of the loft, down the elevator, and into my jeep and take it upon myself to drive him home. I don't want to let him go. Now an awkward silence sits in the air as we both sit there in my jeep contemplating what to say to each other.

"Um…thanks."

I'm glad he finally says something.

"Your welcome."

"I…I guess I should go then."

"Yeah, I guess so."

He smiles amusedly over at me, opens the door and slowly slides out. I stop him before he can shut the door. "Wait! Wait." God, I sound like such a desperate mother fucker. He cocks his head just slightly and I tell myself that he doesn't look extremely adorable and he gives me a confused look. "I was just wondering if you wanted to go,"

"Are you asking me out again?"

"What? No. Other people will be there."

"Where?"

"…Babylon?"

"Are you sure?"

He laughs at me. God, I hadn't meant to say it as a question. I smile slightly.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

He smiles at me for a second and then, "Bye, Brian." Then he slams the door shut, smile still on his face, walks down the sidewalk towards his front door and disappears behind it. What a Fucktard. I just sit there for a minute thinking that he'll come back out and tell me yes or no instead of just…bye. When he doesn't I drive off wondering what the hell that was supposed to mean.

And telling myself that I didn't ask him out again.

J.T

Brian Kinney asked me out again.

And I would have had time to think about it except my mom was soon gathering me in her arms, crying, and telling me how happy she was that I was ok and that that bastard hadn't hurt me too bad. When she finally got a chance to see the bruises on my face she went into full mother-mode and immediately began to fuss over me, careful not to even touch my broken nose. Then she cooked me a huge breakfast that I didn't touch. I told her I wasn't hungry and that I wanted to take a nap. She bought it and let me go upstairs. When I was upstairs I didn't sleep.

Brian Kinney asked me out again.

I'm might be stupid – I probably am but…

I think I'm going to Babylon.

I also think I need to talk to Debbie.