Title: Claire's Son
Pairing: Claire/Charlie, implied Jack/Sawyer
Rating: PG
Summary: Sometimes when she's holding Aaron she imagines him grown up
Notes: Written for lostfichallenge Challenge #17 ("I hate you")
Disclaimer: I don't own Lost or any of it's characters.

Claire's Son

She's sure that this baby is going to hate her, is going to know that she didn't want it. Babies know these things, don't they? They soak up things like love, and they can tell when they weren't wanted. They're inside you, aren't they? They must know every bad thing that's inside of you.

Sometimes when she's holding Aaron she imagines him grown up, his skin darkened by the sun of this island—and yes, she always imagines him growing up here on this island, because right now she can see no other future for him. He's the child of this island, and sometimes it scares her—his eyes belong to Thomas, the one reminder of the man who left her. The one thing she'll hope Charlie will see sometimes when he gets too infuriating for her handle, and the one thing she'll hope Charlie ignores when she's feeling affectionate towards him. She sees her son handsome and strong, hands roughened by years of work. He'll look up to Jack, but be in awe of Sawyer—because Sawyer is going to be alright. Jack hasn't left his side, and he's getting better. Slowly, but surely—who will read to him at night and will teach him things that Claire will pretend she doesn't know about.

Maybe he'll even give him the sex talk for her, spare her the trouble. It makes her laugh to think about.

Aaron will love Charlie like he would have loved Thomas—maybe even more when he realizes that Charlie loved him unconditionally, before he was even born, despite the fact that he isn't his father.

Aaron will think that Kate is beautiful and strong, and she'll probably tease him and ask him personal questions like she does everyone else, and he'll bask in the attention like all the other men do.
He'll think that Sun is beautiful and gentle and kind, and he'll go to her when he gets hurt after hunting with Locke, because undoubtedly he'll do that as well. Locke will be hunting until he's ninety years old, Claire thinks.

He'll think Walt is cool, if Walt ever comes back, because by the time Aaron's a teenager Walt will be a young man. The one person Aaron will relate to the most, the first child to grow up on the island, and together they'll share their experiences with the other children that are sure to arrive.

Aaron will think Hurley is hysterical, and he'll be his final glimpse into the cool, young life that he'll never know back in the real world. He'll teach Aaron words like, 'dude', and 'yo', things that Claire doesn't say.

Aaron's accent could turn out to be anything, really. He'll be exposed to so many different people.

She doesn't know what he'll think about Jin and Michael, but he'll probably like them just fine.

But herself? Claire doesn't know what Aaron will think of her. She imagines him growing up, resenting her for getting on the plane, resenting her for not giving him up, when she so obviously wanted to, when it would have given him an easier life than this. (But he won't know what he's missing, so her thoughts are foolish, aren't they?) No. Because what if he grows up without a girl his own age? He'll surely blame her for that.

Aaron wails in her arms, and she squeezes her eyes shut tight and goes to see if maybe Sawyer is awake and in need of a distraction.

X

"All I need you to do is talk. Say whatever you want. You don't have to read or anything." Claire promises, when Jack reluctantly allows her to take a seat near Sawyer. She's never been down in the hatch before, and not many people are allowed right now because of Jack's strange need to protect Sawyer from everyone, or maybe just keep him to himself. Besides Kate that is. She was down here for a while, but finally she stopped going down unless she was needed to type the code in.

Sawyer talks about what happened on the raft, about some of the crazy dreams he had while his fever was high, and Aaron quiets down. Jack stays and watches silently, casting varied looks of concern, curiosity, admiration, and worry at Sawyer.

When Sawyer starts to sound tired, Jack says, "Claire, I think you better let Sawyer get some rest."

"I think I know when I need rest, Jack." Sawyer shoots an annoyed look at Jack, and Claire wonders when he started calling Jack 'Jack.'

When she leaves she wonders if they're having sex, maybe not now while Sawyer's sick, but before he left on the raft. Or if they're going to start when Sawyer's healthy enough. It doesn't bother her; it just means there're two less men who might provide her son with a girl—or even a boy for all she cares—who he could love. Who knows, they might still sleep with Kate even if they're with each other.

X

She doesn't trust Ana-Lucia. Everyone keeps saying it was a mistake that she killed Shannon, like they need to keep saying it so that they can forgive her, because there's no way to get away from her here, and no one wants to be the one to kill her. She's going to lose her mind if people make one more Lord of the Flies reference.

So when Ana-Lucia asks to hold her baby, she's reluctant, and Ana-Lucia must see that because she raises her hands in surrender and backs away, "Fine, then."

"No," Claire says, still reluctant, but unable to be cruel. "Here. I'm just a little nervous. No one's told you, have they?"

Ana-Lucia looks at her, and Claire wonders if it bothers her that no one's filled her in on everything yet. "No."

"The Others, they wanted my baby. When I was pregnant, they took me. And then the French woman, Danielle, she took Aaron from me," Claire swallows hard, "she thought that she could make a trade with The Others to get back the child they took from her." Claire clutches Aaron tighter to her for a moment before she starts to hand him to Ana-Lucia.

But Ana-Lucia shakes her head, "It's alright. I don't need to hold him."

"Do you have a child?" Claire asks.

Ana-Lucia's face tightens, and she says, "No." She walks away, and Claire's left wondering if she's been lied to. It wouldn't be the first time someone's kept a secret on this island.

Maybe Ana-Lucia will tell Hurley. He's been jokingly referred to as the Island Keeper.

X

Locke says the baby is going to know the secrets of the Island—he always says it like it's a person, or something truly great. He says it with this awe as though he's talking about God. It scares her sometimes, but she respects Locke too much to really be unsettled by it.

Locke says Aaron is going to grow up here and understand so much more than they do, but Claire doesn't really know what he means.

X

"He's beautiful," Kate says, cradling him in her arms, looking down at him fondly.

"Maybe one day you'll have a baby here too."

Kate just looks out at the ocean, looking a little sad, but Claire's used to Kate looking like that by now. She's not really interested in learning about Kate's past anymore. Sometimes you have to learn how to let go, and Kate has that chance here.

They aren't getting rescued any time soon.

"I wouldn't make a good mother." Kate says finally.

"I was going to give Aaron away." Claire confesses. "I'm not a good mother, but I'm going to raise him anyway and do the best I can."

Kate looks at her and nods; she hands Aaron back to her and wanders away, and Claire's left with the sounds of the waves against the rocks.

X

In her dreams there's a boy with blonde hair and Thomas's eyes and Charlie's accent, and he tells her he hates her.

"I hate you!" He shouts, "It's your fault we're here. Your bloody fault!"

She wakes up, scared. She watches over Aaron for the rest of the night. Trying to tell herself that she doesn't posses the gift that the psychic did. That her dreams are not premonitions.

X

She hasn't been able to stop crying. She holds on to Aaron's cradle with one hand, and covers her eyes with the other, her body shaking uncontrollably.

"Claire?" Charlie says, sounding confused and then worried, "Claire! What's wrong? What happened? Is it Aaron?"

Biting back sobs, she nods, "He's going to hate me!"

"Who?"

"Aaron!"

"Claire—What? You're his mum! Of course he won't hate you. He's going to love you more than anyone else in the world. Which for him is the island, and only about fifty people, maybe, now with the tail survivors, but yeah. That's still bloody good, though, eh?"

She lets out a choked laugh through her tears, "I don't want him to grow up here. I want him to grow up in a safer place than this."

Charlie puts an arm around her shoulders gently, "The world isn't a safe place. At least here, here there are people who are going to love him. That's what really counts."

Claire looks up and blinks back the tears. Maybe Charlie's right. Maybe this baby won't hate her. Maybe this place is as safe as any, which is sort of a sad thought.

"Claire," Charlie says softly, "You're going to make a great mother."

A laugh bubbles up inside of her, and she throws her arms around Charlie, feeling closer to him than she's felt in a while. She wants to say, I hope my baby talks like you, because you'll be the father that it almost didn't have. but she doesn't say a word.