Meet My Eyes
DISCLAIMER: Firefly belongs to Joss Whedon.
SETTINGS: After the season finale, with Juble Early. River's thoughts on Kaylee telling Early River's whereabouts.
PAIRING: Be warned, that this is pretty much River/Kaylee. If you don't like the idea of two girls being together, then go find something else to read.
SUMMARY: I remember her hands tickling my skin, and the smile lighting up her face. Now, she will barely even meet my eyes…
NOTES: River's POV. It's a bit of an experiment. 1000 words exactly.
ONWARDS:
Blood, flesh, heart. Thump, thump, thump, beating so fast I can barely breathe, sides hurting, lips turned upwards and aching from too much happiness. So new, so new; not remembered, but new altogether.
Too much happiness. Her hands, dirt so firmly embedded, the swirls of her fingertips oh so clear in the dim light.
I remember her hands tickling my skin, and the smile lighting her face. Running and being chased. Running, running.
That's all we ever do.
Running away. From THEM.
But with her, I'm safe. Oh so safe. Protected. Loved.
Love?
Not like Simon. Definitely not like Simon, with his stern eyes, and his worried looks. Not like Simon.
She and I, who are we, who is us; and we would laugh, and laugh, until it broke down to just us two, staring at each other, smiling.
Shiny.
Her soft curves pressed to my firm hips, blue eyes sparkling with…innocence. I think I remember innocence. I think I should miss it more, but how can I, when it traps me with light brown hair, and the deepest blue eyes, and soft curves and lips that look so soft.
Simon thinks I'm crazy. Thinks that when I go quiet, I'm back there. With THEM.
But no. I'm here. With her. Where I've never been safer.
Caught inside of gentle eyes and the softest smile and calloused hands and her hair smelling of the sweetest strawberries and that gentle and pure and sweet and innocent face with the dimples that make her so much younger and so much sweeter and that beautiful soul staring out so brightly even in the darkest of places and so very bright that it sometimes hurts to look at.
But, oh how I love to look. Stare at her for hours, and just know…
Captain thinks I'm a nuisance.
Jayne thinks I'm a nutjob.
Wash don't think much about me.
Zoe thinks I'm a mission.
Book thinks I'm a lost lamb.
Inara thinks I'm a child.
Simon thinks I'm a patient he can fix.
And Kaylee…Kaylee thinks I'm River.
Just River.
River Tam, who stole her apple, and was strong enough to be chased around the ship, and get tickled. River Tam, who killed three men, and was still invited to play Jacks on the floor of the boat, and try not to think about the maths, the angles, the physics, the spatial geometry.
River.
And now, she will barely even meet my eyes.
Won't look at me.
Not without the guilt staring out beneath the storms of the watery surface.
Looks at me, and ducks her head. Tears gather like a storm, but never creating a torrent that she wishes she could free.
Not since HIM. Early.
How fun it was to play, even for a while. Terrorising the terrorist.
He hurt her. Me.
Doesn't she know? Can't she see?
There'd have been no point in savin' me if she hadn't been there. If she hadn't stayed safe. No point in saving me if he killed her. Or worse.
I know what he threatened. I know he'd have done it.
He'd have killed my shiny girl. And she is, you know. Mine.
It's a Tam trait. Always wanting the very best of things. The best schools, the best grades, the best clothes, the best house, the best girl.
The best girl, without an education, with grease and oil spattered over clashingly bright clothing, in a home that's falling apart. She doesn't belong in the world. Doesn't belong to the blood, to the flesh.
She belongs in fairytales. In storybooks. The beautiful princess, waiting to be rescued, the fairest of them all. I wonder if princesses could build spaceships too?
I wonder sometimes…
If I'm still there. With THEM. If this is something they're taunting me with. A vision of perfection.
They did that sometimes.
But this…her. She is…
Unimaginable. I don't think THEY could have come up with someone as heartbreakingly beautiful as Kaylee.
Thump, thump, thump, and so fast that my hand has to hold my heart inside my chest to keep it from falling out. Thump, thump, thump, faster than it has any right to go.
Faster than when I'm dreaming, faster than when I'm fighting, faster than when I'm running.
My heart beats…for her, I think. Just for her.
I stole her apple, and she won't meet my eyes now.
Six feet away from me, and I miss her more than I've missed anything else.
She looks, and ducks her head, and I know what she's thinking. What they're all thinking, but it's Kaylee's thoughts that holds all of my attention.
Traitor. Unworthy. Deserved to be killed…raped…tortured.
My shiny girl with the darkest of thoughts, who wants my anger, and hates her weakness, and hates her innocence.
Hates all the things I love about her.
I watch her trying not to watch me, and I'm trying to smile at her the way she used to smile at me. Wishing I was good with words, and sentences, and sanity. Wishing that I was Simon, who doesn't even notice what is three feet in front of him. Wishing I could be the one she wanted.
Wishing she would meet my eyes.
Wishing I could just be River, and she could just be Kaylee, and we and us, and she and I, and not just me and her.
But for her, she's a traitor, and I'm the betrayed, and she punishes me by punishing herself.
And she glances at me, her heart in her eyes, tears in her heart, and a broken soul sliding over perfect skin.
And inside, I'm screaming, and crying, and screaming, and tearing my hair out. Outside, it's quiet, and lips form frowns and eyes stare at Kaylee's lips, and they'd be so soft, oh so very soft.
Inside, screaming, 'look, look, just look!'. At me, not at him.
Him, who doesn't see, when I do. I do.
I see everything about you. And you won't even meet my eyes.
END.
Yeah, I dunno what the hell that was. Couldn't get it out of my head for some reason.