Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Even my own freakin' emotions.
Men are evil minuplaters that play with your emotions and stab you in the heart when you least expect it. Don't tell me I dont know what I'm talking about. I've been there.
It all started out as a little crush, one that didn't really affect me. I even didn't pay attention to it for a while. I had too many other things on my mind. School along with a best friend who's expected to rid the world of the most evil force delayed what would have become a full on crush. Even when people would ask me if I liked anyone, I would say "no". He was just a friend. A better better best friend who I had absentmindedly fell for. I didn't even know it. Imagine that- I didn't even know it.
So when it came time to tell the truth, the whole, complete and sincere truth, I was forced to think about it. Truth or dare must have been invented by men. It is a purely demonic game played by only the stupidest of idiots. I happened become one of them for a night. So instead of saying the answer that came so automatically, they forced me to think of someone. At first I was lost. Who was there? Nobody really. But then his redhead surfaced from the back of my mind. Him maybe? But no. We were only friends.
However he was kind of charming... in his own very unique way. And I really liked his eyes. He had a nice laugh too. True there were some things I didn't exactly admire about him. But that's ok. Nobodys perfect. I can't make my standards too high. After all, he was a guy. And now I'm rhyming.
So I said his name. It sounded different that time. It sounded more... romantic? It also felt different. Before, saying his name was just that- saying his name. I had said it a million times before and never felt this unfamiliar shyness creap up inside of me. Saying his name felt like shouting a deep secret. It should be something that I dare not utter.
As the game continued, I felt exposed. What I had exposed wasn't exactly clear. I hadn't said his name confidently. It was more of a question. It was a question with a lot of "um"s and "im not really sure"s in front of it. I had said his name out loud. Why? Because I was in love with im. I just didnt know it yet.
I forced myself to go on with the rest of the night with him back, burried somewhere just beneath where I might detect him. It didn't work for long though.
Over the next two months or so he would slowly dig himself out of that secluded area. Seeing him everyday suprisingly didn't affect me. He was just there, as a friend. Towards the end of those two months began to change. I began to ponder about my feelings for him more often. It became evident that, yes, I do like him. I felt more secure comming to that conclusion now. If someone asked me if I liked anyone, I would have put on that slick smile. Our times around eachother began to change ever so slightly also. Because he can be a complete block head sometimes, I felt that I should make the moves-something that I would never have done if it was anybody else. Because I was so unstable in that area, I decided to make my descrete moves extremely subtle.
It started with eyecontact. I didn't just look at him like I did with just anybody. I concentrated on him, and only him. He was the only one that mattered as we talked. I looked into his eyes and became lost in their handsome beauty. I tried to convey to him that, "yes, I like you". Everything else was shut out. I centered on him. He looked back.
I also tried just... talking to him more often. When I usually would be off giggling with my girl friends, he and I would be off to the side having our own conversation. Even when we were in a larger group of people, I took the time to recognize him.
I even put my arm around him once. Only once, that's it. I don't think it mattered though.
That was all I did. I didn't have the courage or confidence to do much more. I'd never done anything like this before. It was my first time. Too subtle? I don't think he even noticed...
Which happened to be a good thing. I decided to take a walk on the school grounds on a spring afternoon. I had finished my homework, naturally, and decided I needed some fresh air.
The crisp air of the dying winter contrasted perfectly with the warm bright sun. I inhaled the earthy sent of regrowth and renewal. It was a beautiful day. My spirits rose. It was the perfect day to spend with him. Maybe now he would get the hint?
I walked around the lake to where some trees and bushes formed a spacy enclosure. It was a wonderful little spot. I could see the sky and some of the grounds if I wanted to, or I could draw back and hide. I started to crawl through the little arch of branches around the back. As I emerged through the evergreen leaves, I nearly jumped out of my skin. As if out of my head, there he sat. In my wonderful little spot.
However, he wasn't alone, which I noticed a split second later. A girl lay asleep across his lap, back against chest and head on his shoulder. He smoothed her hair and held her close. He kissed the top of her head ever so softly and then watched her sleep. He had a different look in his eyes- something I hadn't seen through all of my time searching. It was a look of rare and true love- and he wasn't looking at me.
I slowly backed out, trying not to be seen or heard. I felt a huge sinking feeling in my chest, like I had just swallowed a 10 pound weight.
Without seeing, without hearing, without feeling, I went back to my dorm. I sat on my bed with the hangings pulled shut. I thought, and didn't think for I dont know how long. The weight in my chest increased. I stared at the hanging curton with an intence crushing feeling so great, I felt like I would turn to powder.
He would never love me. I didn't want him to. If he ever did, that meant breaking that intense bond I just saw. He was happy with that girl. I didn't want, and still don't want to break the strong bond he had so clearly felt with her. I couldn't possibly imagine him being more satsified with any one else. If that's the case, then I don't want him to be with anybody else. I just want him to be happy.
Ihe next week was torture. Everytime I saw then I felt a pang inside me. I kept telling myself not to like him like that anymore. I didn't want to interfere. I wanted to let it be.
It's getting better now. Whenever I find myself thinking of him, I tell myself I'm not interested. Those times are decreasing significantly now. I've even become interested in another guy, which I think is a major improvement. But everytime I see them together, I feel that same pang. I think I will always feel it.