Yeah, yeah. Don't tell me how long it's been, I know.

Yugi: Hey it's been a long time SotD.

You're going to die. Now.

Yugi: I'm not allowed. Hah.

Seto: Somebody SAAAAAAAVVVVVVEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Bakura: Uh oh…

Seto: I've been WAITING for YOOOOOOUUUUU-OUUUUUUUUU!

Ummm….

Atem: SAAAAAA-AAAAVVVE!

Seto: SAAAAAA-AAAAVVVE!

Atem: C'MOOOOO-OOON!

… Yes, entertainment at it's peak.

Willy Wonka: That was inconceivably nauseating. I think I want to kill someone.

Charlie: Now, now Mr. Wonka, remember what happened last time.

Willy: Ah yes, the Brad Pitt incident. Well, Chucky, I'll try and keep my self-control this time around.

Charlie: You go ahead and do that Mr. Wonka…

Agreed. I don't want to see any blonde heads rolling around my living room.

Willy: It was an accident you know. Just ask Aaron Carter.

Charlie: That's gonna be a little impossible.

Willy: …oh yeah. Heh heh.

Well, not that this isn't all just incredibly superb, but we're gonna have to get a move on here. Thus begins…

Chapter 14: Choose Your Weapon!

(Warning: Rated T for extreme OOCnessnessnessnessness, killing, dying, mentions of drug use and alchohol, profanity, and Willy Wonka. Viewer Discretion advised. Actually, no. Read on my li'l children. Read, and fill your minds with MADNESS! I mean, j/k lol omfg roflmao w/e kthxbye.)

Everyone gathers to the living room, which is really not a good idea for several reasons.

CRASH!

"Oh, shit…" Bakura stares at the ancient glass table, now broken into worthless pieces.

Seto has a look of 'I'LL F-CKIN KILL YOU!' on his face as he enters subsequent to the ashen haired Egyptian.

"What did you just do? Dear God! That was my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-grandmother's table! It's made out of primordial rubies! That was worth millions of dollars! I'll f-ckin kill you!" He advances toward the yami, eyes full of infuriation.

Before he reaches Bakura, who, though no longer drunk, is now petrified out of his mind, Atem asks a rather simple and yet difficult question.

"How long ago was this… grandmother of yours born?"

The elder Kaiba stopped. "Uh…" He sat on a log and pulled a red t-shirt over his normal attire, grabbing a pot of interestingly yellow honey from a shelf as well. "Think… think…"

Bakura scowled at the Pharaoh. "I could have taken care of myself."

"Fine… jerk."

"Pig."

"Optomis Prime."

"Megatron."

"Ash Ketchem."

Bakura clutched his heart. "No! Not him! Anyone but him! He's the worst ever! He gives his pokemon away after he catches them, or after they're fully evolved, and then goes and get more crappy ones just to make strong, then he gives those away. All he's left with is Pikachu! Pikcachu! Who is probably like level 83195162394091247281904793 and knows solar beam! What a fool, what a fool!"

Ash comes in. "Somebody call my name, somebody call my name?"

Willy, who is rather confused by the whole ordeal, is startled by the new life form that has just entered the room. He jumps and smacks Ash upside the head with his cane.

Giggling, Ash grabs the cane and smacks himself with it again… and again, and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…

"Think… think…"

Willy shrugs it off and goes over to the rest of the clan. "Okay, so let's see here." He pulls out what looks to be blueprints of the Kaiba Mansion and sets it on the table.

"Where did you get those?" asks Mokuba looking suspicious. And we all know what that look is. It's the cross between a monkey trying to peel a plastic banana and yourself while your wondering just why the chicken crossed the road. Was it really just to get to the other side? Or was it something more? Perhaps she just needed a new life and was going on a search to fulfill her dreams. Or maybe she needed love, someone to cherish, a rooster to care for her and hold her while she was feeling scared. One that, while holding her, would just whisper into her ear "Buh- cocckkkkhhh" all nice and soft. It could just wash all her troubles away…

"Well, Monkey-Chick, I have my ways. I have my ways. I also have the key to your Kaiba Corp. security vault." Willy grins and begins drawing on the prints.

Yugi looks over his shoulder. Or rather, climbs onto a chair to look over his shoulder. "What are you doing?"

"Making plans for our first battle." He turns to the rest. "Now, do you have any armor or weapons you could use? These broccoli are brutal. They're not gonna go easy, I'll guarantee you that."

Everyone shrugs. It looks almost like the ocean's waves, but only for a second.

"Seven-hundred!" yells Seto, his Pooh costume disappearing.

A hobo walks by. "I already told them that! But they denied it as a farce…" he shakes his head and keeps going, muttering about how i-Pod and Myspace will take over the world.

Atem raises an eyebrow. "What?"

"She was born about 700 years ago."

The Pharaoh backs away. "Ok… you're weird. Stay away."

Seto advances. "But you asked-"

"NO I DIDN'T! SHUTUP!" Atem jumps out the nearest glass window and runs away to Ireland.

"Yes, well, here you go." The Chocolatier shows everyone the setup. They muse over it, and a moose comes in the door.

"Uh, yeah. One of my family members got hit by a car, so… could one of you help?" asks the moose.

Bakura clouts him with a permanent marker, causing the moose much displeasure. It kills Bakura and makes it's way back out the door. Of course, no one actually dies on Yu-Gi-Oh, at least not the American version, so the Tomb Robber just pops back up, like a li'l pop-up book.

Pay no attention to the blood rushing from his ears, children. It's a tradition in his family to empty the blood out of their own heads.

"Hmm, destroy the vegetables, we must." comes a voice.

They turn around to see…

Tune in next time, on Yu-Gi-Oh!

Commercials!

Buy stuff for your kids, parents! Spoil them until they are helpless brats! Spend money on junk! And kids, beg your parents to buy you loads of crap! Sure they need to pay taxes and bills and for your education, but we don't care! That's why we make shit for a living! Buy or DIE!

End!

Previously on Yu-Gi-Oh!

I Am Hollywood!

Theme song plays, monsters are shown, "It's time to d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-"

Bang! (shot)

Enter scene!

They turn around to see…

Yoda!

Not really!

"Pharaoh! I thought you were in Ireland." Ishizu says, looking confused.

Atem is panting and holding onto the door knob. "I was…" he gasps. "Not wearing green… pinching… hurts… LEPRECHAUNS!" His eyes grow to half the size of his head.

Yugi laughs. "Hey, he looks like I do all the time!"

Atem walks in. "Anyway, yes. Destroy the broccoli we must."

Willy gives a goofy smile. "Agreed. Here, I brought some weapons." He pulls out a large cardboard box, which is apparently his arsenal.

Bakura, whose blood is still flowing from his ears, grabs a rocket launcher as big as he is. "Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh…" is all he says.

Malik pulls out a Final Fantasy sword, which is about sixteen thousand times his own size. "Heh, alright."

Tristan pulls out a paper clip. A golden paper clip. Which has the eyes of Horus shaped in the middle.

"Uh, guys…"

They ignore him. After all, he's Tristan. Who likes Tristan?

"Guys, I think I found something really important…"

Yugi waves him off. "Yes, yes. We know you love Unicorns. I'm busy right now."

"But-"

"Stop talkin' 'bout Serenity's butt! Gods, I swear I'm gonna kill you!" Joey growls.

Tristan sighs. "Nobody wuvs me. Oh well, at least I have the…

Millennium Paper Clip!"

Willy grabs it from him. "Huh, how did that get in there. No one's supposed to know about that. I'm going to have to kill you now." He throws the clip out the window.

Tristan gasps.

"NO! Just for one second I was happy! Now you took that away! Just for one second, I wasn't thinking about how cool it would be to have-

Fairy God Parents!

-but alas, that second is gone. Wait, it doesn't have to be! Ah hah!"

He jumps after it and almost saves it, but it is grabbed in the air by a flying armadillo. Then he is stabbed by Willy Wonka, who covers him with scotch tape, hoping no one will notice.

No one does.

They finally choose which weapon each person will use.

Willy Wonka: Why, his cane of course

Seto: multi-flavored-and-colored candy spears (y'know, like candy canes, except… never mind)

Atem: an unbreakable dark chocolate crowbar and a candy raspberry submachine gun that shoots multi-colored gobstoppers (yeah)

Bakura: a sour strawberry candy rocket launcher that shoots explosive jawbreakers

Seth: maple sugar coated throwing knives

Malik: a chocolate Final Fantasy sword layered with caramel

Yugi: a grape gummi sledge hammer with li'l different flavored sweet tarts embedded into it

Ryou: a licorice cat of nine tails with pieces of peanut brittle in the strands

Marik: a toffee flamethrower that spews hot chocolate instead of flames

Joey: an orange gummi bow with mint candy arrows (once again, think of candy canes)

Mokuba: two milk chocolate and peanut butter handguns that shoot round white chocolate pieces

Valon: a candy apple triple barrel shotgun that shoots gumdrops (yes, triple barrel)

Tristan: well…

Ishizu: magic gum of different flavors and magicalness… nessnessnessnessness…

"Hey, uh, why's everything made out of candy and stuff?" asks Mokuba.

Willy gazes at him. "Uh, hello. I'm a chocolatier. Geez, is that all you're here for? To point out the obvious?"

"Well, I just thought-"

"I'm sorry, but if you wouldn't mumble like that, people might actually be able to hear you. Though I'm not quite sure they would want to. Kay?"

Willy looks around at everyone. "Okey Dokey, well now that we've got everybody settled we can start."

Suddenly, a break in reality occurs, like it has done so many times before. Everyone screams for ice cream. But they don't get any, so they scream because the roof is splitting open.

Willy Wonka just stares at it with his usual unfocused look, then, after understanding what's going on, grins.

"Looks like we've got a little company." he says in a sing-song voice.

Coming through the roof is… a box. A glass box, with lots of buttons, and a li'l boy. In other words, coming through the roof is the Great Glass Elevator.

And Grandpa Mutou.

A minute later, the GGE lands, and everyone is covered with furniture, roof parts, ceiling chunks, pages from Seto's diary, Bruce Wayne, and money.

And Grandpa Mutou.

Though, only one person is really covered with Grandpa Mutou. And that person, is Willy Wonka.

The Chocolatier stiffens under the old man. "Heh, what are you doing, Old person? Heh, heh." he asks, his eye twitching

"WHAT! DID YOU SAY SOMETHING! YUGI, YUGI, IS THAT YOU? WHERE AM I? I MUST HAVE LEFT MY GLASSES AT HOME!"

Willy manages to pry himself out from underneath the elderly entity, dusting himself off after doing so.

"AUGH! YOU'RE NOT YUGI! YOU'RE SETO KAIBA! HOLY CRAP!" Grandpa Mutou jumps from the ground and runs straight through the elevator.

The Chocolatier just looks on, at first wearing a very perplexed look, then switching to immense irritation.

"Look what you did! What's wrong with you! You know I have to kill you now don't you? Don't you? That's right! You… you… argh! I'm not allowed to curse! Damn!"

"WHAT?"

"Mr. Wonka! Mr. Wonka!"

Willy huffs and looks over his shoulder, a smile suddenly appearing on his face. "Chucky!"

Marik screams. "I hate dolls! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

Charlie gives a lopsided grin. (Aww, isn't he cute?) "Hey, Mr. Wonka. I just came by to see how things are going."

Willy looks around. "Uh, things are goin'… great! Yes."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

The teen (yes, I made him a teen) nods. "I see. Well, I think I'll stick around anyway. I asked the Oompa Loompas to take over the satellite, but the squirrels wanted to do it. So now their in a big discussion over white out, and whether they should keep it in the factory or not. Apparently it's been causing some problems-"

"NO IT HASN'T!" interrupts Willy quickly. He giggles, adjusting his hat, which has tipped to the side a bit. "I mean, I keep it in the factory for… confidential purposes." He laughs again, hoping Charlie wouldn't know what "confidential" means.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

"Oh, so you mean like public use, no privacy involved, with no secrecy whatsoever."

"…You could say that."

"Okay. How about the powdered sugar, and the grape juice?"

Willy pauses, not understanding at first. Finally it clicks and he grins. "Oh, uh, same thing. But don't have any, heh heh, it's mine, all mine. Devilish laugh."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

Charlie makes a face. "Aww, Mr. Wonka. Don't be selfish. You're being like Veruca."

"Are you calling me a wart?"

"No, sir."

"Oh really now! You wanna take this outside?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

"What are you screaming about!" shouts Bakura.

"HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Yugi sighs. "Not you Grandpa…"

"WHAT?"

Ishizu rolls her eyes. "Malik, tell your Yami to shut up."

"Better yet, let's take this inside!"

"Mr. Wonka, we are inside."

"Really now! Well, it looks like we don't have to go anywhere doesn't it?"

"Yes sir."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…!"

"Damn it, Marik! Shut up!"

"The dolls! THE DOLLS!"

"EH? YUGI IS THAT YOU?"

Ryou screams as Grandpa Mutou grabs him. "Child molester!"

"Am not!"

"He wasn't talking about you Seth."

"Oh."

Bruce Wayne, who was mentioned falling through the roof, blinks. "Am I supposed to be here?"

Actually no. Come back later. Kthxbye.

He nods and backs away precariously through the Door of Not-Really-Ness. Nessnessnessnessness.

"Grandpa, leave Ryou alone!"

"WHAT?"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- OOF!" Marik oofs as a pillow connects with his face.

"WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN MENTIONED?" cries Atem. "I'M THE FREAKING MAIN CHARACTER!"

Atem dies. Then pops back up.

"WOOHOO!"

Valon nods for no apparent reason. "I like pie."

Joey growls. "What? So do I! This sucks! I can't like the same thing as you. From now on, I like cheese!"

"Oh, too bad. I already like cheese."

"Shit!"

"EH?"

Tristan somehow revives from the stabbing and stands up, trying to take the scotch tape off himself, but failing miserably. He looks around at all the chaos, and then stops, suddenly seeing something on the carpet. Going up close to it, he realizes it is a piece of carrot.

"Huh?" he wonders out loud. He raises an eyebrow, searching the area for any other signs of vegetable evidence.

"Guys…" All of the sudden, something cold smacks him in the face. Peeling it off, he recognizes it to be cauliflower. As he stands there, his mouth hangs open a little.

"All right men!" comes a little cry. "Perfect opportunity! Fire!"

Tristan hears it, but can't tell where it is coming from. Then something shoots into his mouth. It's cold. It's crunchy. It's gross. It's-

"BROCCOLI!" Everyone stops what they're doing, and turns to Tristan, who is crumpling to the floor once again.

Willy stares, his face a mixture of terror and amusement. Which is a rather odd combination, but hey, it's Willy Wonka. "Oh dear. They're going on the offense. Um, ok! Everyone! We've got a man down! Grab your weapons, let's move!"

The militia follows their orders. Willy tips his hat forward a bit, eyeing the surrounding area. He grins maliciously. "At last. The War of the Broccoli… has begun."

That was freaking long! Holy crap! Ah, well. Hope you enjoyed it. I did. The weapons were fun to make up, but they were kinda hard. I can't wait till the next chapter. Oh goodie. And hey, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I'm saying it now because I won't have a new chapter by then. Oh, and R&R. Kthxbye!