Soundtrack suggestions: "Love Will Keep Us Together" – Captain & Tennille, "Work" – Jimmy Eat World
"Ribbon worms eat themselves if they can't find food."
"That's disgustin', River. Ain't natural." Kaylee considered the spoon of oatmeal she held in her hand; on second thought, she dropped it back into the bowl.
"Just saying."
"Don't need t' say. You wanna have real conversations with people, ya haveta say nice stuff."
River thought for a moment, her eyes on the ceiling. Before she could speak again, Jayne came barging in. "Where's Mal?" he demanded. "There's a wave fer him."
"Last I knew, he was with 'Nara," Kaylee answered.
"Jayne gets to be loud and brash and rude," River pointed out. "On the other hand, not proper for girls to be mean, except to other girls. Must be docile to men if ever to get a mate, bat their eyelashes shyly, giggle like idiots."
"What you talkin' 'bout, Crazy? You sayin' I'm rude?"
"Just saying."
Mal came into the mess hall. "Who's rude?"
"Jayne has a tendency to be loud and brash and rude," River informed him, nodding.
"There's… uh… a wave fer ya," Jayne said to Mal.
"Who from?"
"Some guy who looks like Santa."
"Santa?" River asked, suddenly excited. "Santa brings goodness! Drop, drop, down the chimney and shiny everywhere!"
"It's my buddy Eddy," Mal said.
"Y' know what's funny? That ya have a friend that looks so much like Santa that y' immediately know who he is," Kaylee said.
"Eddy Watson? 'Snakebite Cider' Watson? The one who double-crossed us on Osiris six years ago, that Eddy? Y' still talk t' him?" Jayne demanded angrily.
"He's probably got a job for us," Mal continued, ignoring Jayne. "Best go talk t' him. Where's Zoë?"
"Presents," River replied, though probably not in response to Mal's question. "Paper everywhere, all spangle-y and too much sticky-tack. Keeping secrets is a bad practice if you want to make friends, they told me so."
"You wanna translate?" Mal asked hopefully, looking at Kaylee. The mechanic shrugged. "I have no idea. Last I saw her, she was with Wash on the bridge."
"Good." Mal headed into the bridge. "Wash? I heard there's a wave."
"That there is, from our good buddy Eddy Watson. Lemme bring it up fer ya." Wash hit a few buttons and the jolly face of Edward "Snakebite Cider" Watson appeared on the screen. Eddy was maybe fifty-five, with small round spectacles balanced on his nose and a long white beard. His bright blue eyes were bright with excitement. Mal could see that he was standing and there was a baby in a green velvet dress on his hip.
"Hey, Mal! Long time no see!" Eddy exclaimed, giving Mal a broad smile.
"Ol' Snakebite Cider… haven't given up the life of crime, have ya?"
"Naw, but don't tell m' wife."
"Is that yer wee 'un?"
"No, fer shame, Mal! I'm glad ya think I'm so robust 'n fertile, but no! This 'un belongs t' my daughter."
"Yer a granddad?" Mal asked with a smirk.
"Say hi, Isabelle," Eddy said, waving the little girl's hand at Mal. "How's life treatin' ya in the black?"
"Well as can be expected, I a' spose," Mal answered. "It'll be better if'n ya got a job fer us."
"Then I'm here t' make yer day," Eddy said. "I've got a great job, and my client's willin' t' pay much more 'n it's worth."
"Those are my favorite kinds of clients," Mal agreed. "What's the job?"
"Y' ever been t' Snozlund?" Eddy questioned.
"I've heard stories about Snozlund," Mal replied cautiously. "All that ice 'n snow never seemed much use t' me, plus those mammoths scare the stuffin' outa me. This job, it's in Snozlund?"
"Yer a right mind reader," Eddy said with a laugh. "It's most definitely in Snozlund. I need ya – well, my client needs ya – t' steal the Rockport Bones."
"Whoa now," Mal said. "We're stealin' bones?"
"Not just any bones," Eddy said as though Mal should have known. "These bones are part of an artifact honoring the first woolly mammoths to be replicated by the Alliance, named after the scientist who was credited with first replicating it – Ernst Rockport."
"What does yer client want with them? He's plannin' t' maybe… well, what would ya do with old bones?"
"I'd build a sculpture," Wash piped cheerily. Mal had forgotten he was there. "Maybe a cabinet or two, store sweaters in them."
"She has a use fer them," Eddy assured Mal. "So, are ya up t' it or not?"
"Well, o' course I'm up t' it. But this had better be some good payoff… it's cold in Snozlund!"
"Believe me, the payoff will be worth it," Eddy said. "Y' have that on m' honor."
"Yer honor's worth about as much as what I find in m' boots the end of the day," Mal informed him dryly.
"Would Santa lie t' ya?"