A/N: Warning! This chapter is full of hatred and dark feelings and character death…however, once I got that out of my system I discovered that I can write fluff! Okay, so it won't be until the next chapter, and it won't be that fluffy…but it is there.

So…if you find you have an extra moment, please drop me a review to tell me what you think?

Chapter 1

5 years ago

Hogwarts Graduation

During our 7th year, tensions ran high. With NEWT tests, Graduation, and Voldemort, we didn't know which way was up. Adding DA lessons into the mix, along with my sleepless nights, I was running on empty.

I was allowed to start attending Order meetings that were, unfortunately, held at Sirius's house. It's bad enough that my irrationality sufficiently eradicated my godfather from my life, but let's relive the moment every night in my dreams and let's shove it in my face every time I cross that threshold. However, it is necessary as I draw closer to the inevitable.

A few others along with myself trained extra hard to prepare in every way imaginable and as often as we could. I had already mastered Occlumency with Snape last year and although the mutual hate still burned, we also had mutual respect. Nearly all the elements that tormented him in youth were gone. And though he no doubt received perverse pleasure by my loss, he did not gloat, sneer or smirk in my presence. I returned the favor by being as difficult as ever.

Voldemort, maybe still incensed by being denied the full prophecy, stayed quiet. Don't get me wrong, there were attacks, deaths, and things that are worse than death, but for the most part he was leaving me alone and I was thankful. School became a trepid affair, fear around every corner. You see, after every holiday…then every weekend…the school was systematically "cleansed". The ghostly footprints that pattered through the hallways reminded us of the schoolmates that were not longer with us, either in death or familial removal.

But I am rambling.

There were two cataclysmic events that took place before Graduation. One of which was Draco Malfoy.

Look, I no longer fool myself into thinking I will be appraised of all developments within the Order, but I sure as hell expected to be told of this! To say I was surprised to see Draco escorted into one of our meetings would indicate that I truly thought the boy was evil. No….I was just pissed.

It had not escaped my attention that the shift in Draco's attitude occurred after his father received the Dementor's Kiss, what I did not know was his conversation with Dumbledore at the end of last year. The only thought running through my mind, as Draco stood in the doorway unsure how to act while everyone glared at him, was that the bastard has tried to upstage me again…and it worked.

Oh yes, I was mad. Thankfully, I can always count on Ron to act like the arse for the both of us. However, before Ron was able to stop sputtering enough to attack, Dumbledore appeared behind Draco to appease our fear. He assured us of Draco's sincerity, having administered the Veritaserum himself. Dumbledore explained that he had kept Draco's secret for many reasons and we should not question his actions. Yeah, well, that didn't turn our frowns upside down. Such is life.

Regardless of history, we accepted Draco into our group.

I knew he had it in him.

The second event to take place before Graduation…was the death of Albus Dumbledore.

And just like everything else in the fucked up life, it was my fault.

Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the greatest wizard of our time, the one wizard feared most by Voldemort, the righter of wrongs, the keeper of justice, the first father figure I knew, the one man who laid me on the doorstep of my only family left knowing what he and I would have to face after a decade. He was my protector, my teacher. He was my hero.

This great man…thwarted because he did not notice the poison that laced his Lemon Drops.

All of my fucking fault. I'm not sure how, but I know it is.

It was November, and all I remember is running…running through the rain.

That night, stumbling through the hallway at some god-forsaken hour of the night, I felt someone behind me as I slumped against a wall.

"Just when are you planning to kill this fucker?"

That aristocratic drawl held no malice, no sneer, only sadness spoken from someone who has lost the first person who saw light within them.

So I punched him…and walked away.

I did not attend the funeral, knowing all I would see would be accusations.

A young man sits in the chair,

unaware,

unaware of the straps that held him,

unaware of the others in the room,

unaware of the single tear that rolled down his cheek.

The rest of the year held no joy, even when the Ministry stopped a huge attack that saved hundreds of lives. No…no celebration was held as it only reminded us of all those we did not save.

The remained students graduated under the guidance of our new Headmistress Minerva McGonagall, and that night found a group of friends sitting by the lake.

Ron and Hermione, long in love, sat to the left of me, and on the right Neville, Draco, Millicent, Luna and Lavender.

Once upon a midnight stream

I sat alone and dreamed a dream.

All of us would be entering the summer as members of the Order, along with many other students. I would be starting Auror training with my new roommate, Draco. We were all truly united in our love and our hate. This began when our class size became smaller. Those who cared, sought others who cared, and we all found each other.

"Doesn't seem real, does it?"

We all turned towards Ron. His eyes were glazed over, remembering.

And so we sat, waiting for the happy ending, knowing that we already missed it…it would never pass this way again.

I should also mention a cataclysmic event that took place after Graduation. Severus Snape was murdered as he entered his London flat on a sweltering summer day.

He may have been my most hated friend, but his death closed another door to my family's past. I wonder if my father is aware that all he knows is slowly dying on the shoulders of his only son? I wonder if he knows how much it is driving me to madness? Unreasonable, yes, but it is starting to annoy me that so many people from his life get yanked out of mine. Gee, thanks dad.

I may be only 17, but my insanity spans centuries.

I wonder if my father is aware that I am starting to hate him?

A/N Yeah, yeah, I know. Please review anyway?