Note from Author: FUBAR… Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
Another note from author: Italics mean thoughts
Part 2
Kakashi: -standing in front of boat facing cell 7- Let me make one thing clear: I am the captain and I steer the ship. DO NOT TOUCH! –looks around- Where is Naruto? –looks back at ship-
Naruto: -pulling on sail- Wow! –pretends to steer ship- I called Captain!
Kakashi: NARUTO! What did I just say? Were you even listening?
Naruto: What did you say? I wasn't listening. Wow, this ship is so cool.
Kakashi: I'm starting to think that this was a bad idea. We better get on board before Naruto breaks something.
-There is the sound of breaking glass and they all turn to face the boat to see Naruto holding half of a broken bottle of sake-
Naruto: I CHRISTEN THIS SHIP…FUBAR! All for you Sasuke, all for you! It's just so sad what happened to your face. Oh wait, it's always been that way. Never mind!
Kakashi: Naruto…
Sasuke: You'll be the one that's fubar once I'm done with you.
Kakashi: -sigh- Here we go again. What was I thinking when I planned this in the first place?
Sakura: Naruto, you jerk!
Kakashi: That idiot broke my last sake bottle. All to waste… How will I survive this now?
-Naruto and Sasuke continue to run around the ship, Sasuke chasing Naruto. Finally Sakura starts yelling and chasing after Naruto too-
Kakashi: -annoyed- ENOUGH! –everyone stops mid action. Naruto's copping a feel on Sakura's ass, Sasuke's about to punch Naruto in the face, and Sakura is hugging Sasuke's waist- 1) The ship is already called the Filthy Whore. She means a lot to me so don't ruin her or else. 2) Either you three calm down and behave or you will stay here by yourselves. What will it be?
Naruto: I'll behave. Believe it!
Sakura: -through grinding teeth- NA-RU-TO, get your hand off of my ass! –she slaps him-
Sasuke: Sakura, get off of me –pushes her off of him-
Naruto: Wow Sakura. That feels nice. And here I thought you hated me.
Sakura: What are you talking about? I'm nowhere near you.
Naruto: What? You mean it's not you?
Sakura: No, Naruto, I'm not touching you.
Naruto…Sasuke, you pervert! Quit touching me!
Sasuke: As much as you probably wish it were I, it's not.
Naruto:………Kakashi?
Kakashi: -fixing everything on board that Naruto messed up- What?
Naruto: If it's not you guys then who is…
-Everyone turns and looks behind Naruto to find…. -
Michael: Hey children. Lovely day, isn't it? HEE HEE! How would you like to go to a carnival at my house? You can stay for lunch, CH'MON! Do you want some…milk? HEE HEE!
Naruto: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
-All three run onto the boat which Kakashi had already set up and set sail-
Sakura: wow. Michael Jackson. Why'd you guys run?
Sasuke: … -glares at Sakura like she's an idiot-
Naruto: Can't blame you I guess. You are a girl after all.
Sasuke: Yeah but she looks like a man.
Sakura: what?
Naruto: Well then I guess that's good news for Sakura seeing as you're a faggot.
Sasuke: You know, your incessant name-calling will only earn you a bloody nose.
Naruto: Then take back the comment you made about Sakura!
Sasuke: Why should I lie about the truth?
Naruto: TAKE IT BACK OR I'LL THROW YOU OVERBOARD!
Sasuke: Then do it!
Naruto: …
Sasuke: You lack the power of your convictions, sir.
Naruto: No, I just don't want to get any of your "homo germs" on my clean clothes.
Kakashi: ENOUGH! Sakura, come over here by the wheel. I'm going to teach you a few things. Naruto, you stay in the front of the ship and Sasuke, you go up to the crow's nest and keep an eye out.
-Sasuke climbs up the mast to the crow's nest-
Naruto: -walks over to railing and looks around. Looks up and see Sasuke climbing- Damn, how does he do it? I'd be scared shitless.
Sasuke: -almost at the top- I'm scared shitless right now. H e just had to pick me for the crow's nest. –sigh- Hey…I can see down Sakura's shirt from here. Why does that not amuse me? Oh yeah. I'm not a dirty pervert like Naruto. Hmmmm Naruto… that idiot. –reaches crow's nest and sits back, spotting Naruto- Naruto… -holds up thumb and forefinger in front of Naruto, squinting one eye.- I'm squishing your head.
Naruto: -sigh- I'm so bored… -sits down and puts legs out past railing- Where's the excitement? –looks down at water- MERMAIDS!
Kakashi: -hears Naruto shouting- Great, now what?
Naruto: MERMAIDS! THERE'RE MERMAIDS IN THE WATER!
Kakashi: Of course they're in the water. If they weren't, they'd suffocate.
Naruto: Hey I think she wants me to go to her. –starts climbing over rail only to be yanked back by Kakashi-
Kakashi: Of course she does. But so do those sharks over there but you don't see me leaping over the railing for them now do you?
Naruto: But-but…
Kakashi: C'mon Naruto. I've got something else for you to do.
Naruto: Really? What? Oh Wow, it's probably something really exciting. Pirates of the High Seas! He'll probably want me to be his first mate
Kakashi: Naruto…
Naruto: I'LL DO IT!
Kakashi: Good! –hands him mop and bucket- Start swabbing my poopdeck.
Naruto: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF TEACHER ARE YOU? TELLING POOR LITTLE CHILDREN TO WIPE YOUR ASS FOR YOU. WHY, YOU MAKE ME SICK!
Kakashi: Hahaha I meant the ship's deck. Now get to work.
Naruto: Work? But I thought you wanted me to be your first mate!
Kakashi: First mate? Hahaha no… you're cabin boy.
Naruto: Cabin boy?
Kakashi: -starting to walk away- You should be happy. Cabin boys get all the good sex.
Naruto: What?
Sasuke: IDIOT-HO!
Naruto: WHERE? –looks around-
Sasuke: I'M LOOKING AT HIM!
Naruto: REALLY? SO YOU CAN SEE YOUR REFLECTION ON THE WATER FROM THERE?
Kakashi: HEY SASUKE. STAND UP STRAIGHT.
Sasuke: WHY?
Kakashi: I'M GOING TO USE YOU AS A SUN DIAL.
-Sasuke glares at Kakashi with one of those "He can't be serious" expressions-
Kakashi: Ok, once I say go, I want you to count to 60 and then move your left arm slightly. Keep doing that until I say stop.
Sasuke: I am not going to be your clock!
Kakashi: You will if you plan on eating tonight.
Sasuke: -sigh. Puts arms in the air and starts counting to 60-
-Time passes until Sasuke's arms get stiff and stay at 3:25-
Kakashi: -peering up- I think our clock stopped. Naruto, go up there and fix it.
Naruto: What! Why me?
Kakashi: Because if you happen to fall, you'll only be doing me a favor. Now go!
-Naruto, grumbling to himself as he begins to climb up the main mast on his way to the crow's nest- Why's it gotta be me? Of all people, ME! Stupid Sasuke. He just had to go and get himself stuck…Hey, I can see down Sakura's shirt from here.
Sakura: Why'd Naruto stop? Wait, why's he staring over here?
Kakashi: I think he can see down your shirt.
Sakura: WHAT! –wraps arms around herself-
Kakashi: Don't be ashamed of it. You should be happy he wants to stare at you. Men like confidence in women. If you have it, flaunt it.
Sakura: Are you sure?
Kakashi: Trust me. I've been w/ plenty of women to know.
Sakura: Really? To be honest, we all sort of thought you were gay.
Kakashi: what? Why would you think that?
Sakura: Well we never see you with girls. You're always reading that book of yours.
Kakashi: That's why? I mean, do I come off as gay?
Sakura: I don't know. I mean, if so many girls love you, then how come you're not with any of them?
Kakashi: Because love complicates the mission. See how I TELL NARUTO TO CHECK ON SASUKE AND INSTEAD HE STOPS AND STARES AT YOUR CHESTGETBACKTOWORK!
-Naruto jumps w/ a start at hearing he's been found out then begins to climb back up towards Sasuke-
Kakashi: I guess in a way, you can also say that Sasuke thinks the same way.
Sakura: …Sasuke. So, you're saying that he really isn't a homo, he's just-
Kakashi: No, he's a homo. I'm pretty sure of that.
Sakura: But you said he was a lot like you.
Kakashi: No, I said he thinks the same way. I put off women for the sake of the mission and to get away from the drama. Sasuke swore off women too. I didn't say anything about him swearing off men.
Sakura: You can't be serious. Sasuke would never be a homosexual. Never-
Naruto: -yelling from above- HEY! KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF BUDDY!
Kakashi: Told you.
-5 minutes ago. Naruto's still climbing.-
Naruto: I can see down Sakura's shirt from here.
Kakashi: I TELL NARUTO TO CHECK ON SASUKE AND INSTEAD HE STOPS AND STARES AT YOUR CHESTGETBACKTOWORK!
Naruto: shit! –starts climbing and finally reaches the top- Hey scarecrow, how you doin?
Sasuke: ……my arms hurt.
Naruto: well, what do you want ME to do about it?
Sasuke: How about a full body rub down?
Naruto: Whoa Buddy! There is no way I'm giving you a full body rub down.
Sasuke: I meant I'll give you one.
-Sasuke's hand swings down and cups Naruto's crotch unexpectedly-
Naruto: HEY! KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!
Sasuke: -leaning in closer to Naruto's face, hand still on crotch- make me.
Naruto: get off! –shoves Sasuke away, accidentally pushing him over the railing of the crow's nest- Sasuke!
-Down below-
Naruto: SASUKE!
Kakashi: Those idiots!
Sakura: SASUKE!
Kakashi: Sakura take the wheel! –takes off to help Sasuke-
-Above-
Naruto: SASUKE! Shit! I gotta save him!….Here goes nothing.
-Naruto dives off the railing at high speed and hooks an arm around Sasuke's waist just before they plummet into the water-
Kakashi: -rushes to the railing- Naruto! Are you ok?
Naruto: Yeah. Just a little-
Kakashi: ARE YOU INSANE?
Sakura: -seeing Naruto's about to answer- Don't answer that.
Kakashi: HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN'T HIT THE WATER?
Sakura: Don't answer that either.
Naruto: Kakashi-sensei, chill. We're fine.
Kakashi: Oh really? Then how come Sasuke's still unconscious?
Naruto: -lays Sasuke down- He's not breathing. Sakura, give him mouth-to-mouth!
Sakura: me? O-o-ok….
Kakashi: No. This is your doing. You do it.
Naruto: Me? But I-
Kakashi: Sasuke's dying. Sometime today.
Naruto: Here goes nothing… Well his lips do look really soft. Hell he looks almost angelic lying there wet. What I wouldn't give to get him alone in a tub full of pudding right now
-Naruto leans in to administer mouth to mouth, locking lips w/ Sasuke. Suddenly, he feels a hand sneak up and touch his ass as a tongue enters his mouth-
Naruto: -pulls away fast- YOU PERVERT!
Kakashi: Hahaha
Naruto: -runs to the railing and starts throwing up over it- blech…so much for my noodles…