Hot Sex! Hot Sex!
Part 3: Slippery When Wet
-The sun is setting over the horizon now. Naruto is leaning against the railing watching the sun-
Naruto: -singing in funny voice- Make way for Prince Ali…
Sasuke: -coming up beside him- What are you doing?
Naruto: I'm imitating a foghorn. BO – RING.
Sasuke: -mocking Naruto- LAME-ASS.
Naruto: -still acting like a foghorn- BLOW – ME.
Sasuke: Don't mind if I do… -leans in closer to Naruto-
Naruto: Hey, easy big guy. I was just kidding.
Sasuke: That's too bad…because I wasn't.
Naruto: What you talking bout Willis?
Sasuke: My offer stands. –walks off in Kakashi's direction-
Naruto: What'd he mean by that? Hey, SASUKEEEE-! –suddenly falls through a hole in the ship and hits the water- I'M DROWNING!
Kakashi: MY SHIP!
Naruto: HELP!
Sakura: Naruto, take my hand!
Kakashi: -in a high pitched voice- We'll make it I swear –Sasuke joins in playing air guitar- Whoa-OH! Livin on a prayer!
Sakura: -has Naruto's arms and is trying to pull him up but they come to a standstill and stare at Kakashi and Sasuke- Are you serious?
Kakashi: What?
Sakura: Bon Jovi?
Kakashi: Yeah. And?
Sakura: Why were you singing Bon Jovi?
Kakashi: What's wrong with Bon Jovi? Fine, how about a little Flock of Seagulls? –in high pitched voice- And I ran, I ran so far away. –Sasuke joins in- I just ran, I ran all night and day, couldn't get away.
Naruto: …wow. Did you know they could sing? I WANT TO SING TOO!
Sakura: -trying to pull Naruto up- Naruto stop being a pain in the ass and let me pull you up. –Sakura finally heaves Naruto out of the hole. He's ends up landing on top of her-
Naruto: Hey there beautiful.
Sakura: …Naruto, you're squishing me.
Naruto: sorry babe. –rolls over, gets up and pulls Sakura up so fast she's thrown against Naruto's chest- just can't keep your hands off me eh?
Sakura: Naruto, you're so full of yourself.
Naruto: give me half an hour and you'll be full of me too.
Sakura: NARUTO! –shoves him away and walks off-
Kakashi: NOOOO! MY SHIP! WE'RE SINKING! Quick, we need to start getting the water out of my ship and start rowing towards shore. Now, Sasuke you start-
-Kakashi's interrupted by a loud resounding burp-
Sakura: excuse me.
Naruto: is that a challenge?
Sakura: what? No, I-
-Naruto let's out an even louder burp-
Naruto: beat that!
Sasuke: -let's out louder burp- you were saying?
Naruto: oh really? You're gonna get it now.
Kakashi: Don't you dare-
Naruto: special delivery for Sasuke –lets out huge disgustingly raunchy fart that blows so much wind into the sails that they make it to shore-
Kakashi: NARUTO!
Sasuke: -shocked- That was utterly disgusting you vile behemoth.
Naruto: -smiling sheepishly up at Sasuke- aw, I love it when you talk dirty to me.
Sasuke: -shocked- what?
Sakura: omg, Naruto. You saved us.
Kakashi and Naruto: what?
Sakura: look! We're on the beach. He got us to shore. We're saved!
Kakashi: -climbing out of the boat and looking around- omg she's right. Your stupidity saved us!
Naruto: oh yeah! Believe it!
Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi: -suddenly dressed like cheerleaders- 2, 4, 6, 8, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? NARUTO! NARUTO! YAY NARUTO!
Naruto: -looking around- is Ashton Kutcher about to pop up and be like, "YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D"?
Sakura: -jumps and hugs Naruto- yay! Let's celebrate!
Kakashi: hmm I guess I don't see anything wrong with that. Ok then.
Sakura: -starts jumping while still hugging Naruto- yay! So Naruto…
-Everything Sakura started saying faded into the background by Naruto's own thoughts-
Naruto: -looking over Sakura's shoulder at Sasuke- What's wrong Sasuke? Cat got your tongue? Or should I speak slower? Ass. Wow, I feel like Sasuke right now, having Sakura actually cheer me on. Minus the gay part. It's so awesome! Why would he ever give this up? Hmmm maybe he's a sadomasochist. After all, men can take more pain than women. But if he is than would that mean he's enjoying all of the pain I'm causing him? He doesn't look like it. He looks so sad. I just want to…touch him. Wait what? I sound like I'm some damn tourist at a zoo. But mommy, I want to pet the koalas! Damn I hope homoitis isn't contagious.
Sakura: -still talking- blah blah blah noodles-
Naruto: blah blah blah NOODLES? Mmm Ramen.
Sakura: ramen it is. I'll go ahead to the noodle bar and order for us.
Naruto: ok Sakura baby –pats her on the butt-
Sakura: -giggle, wink. Jogs off towards noodle bar-
Kakashi: you two stay here while I go see what's up w/ my ship. –Walks off but instead hides behind some nearby bushes when they think he's gone-
Sasuke: -runs and jumps on Naruto- oh thank god! I thought we'd never get to be alone.
Naruto: Sasuke get off.
Sasuke: fine…-walks off sad-
Naruto: …Sasuke?
Sasuke: what do you want, mutt?
Naruto: do you remember that offer of yours?
Sasuke: what about it?
Naruto: …Can you tell me again cuz I sort of forgot it.
Sasuke: -glare. Turns around and starts to walk off-
Naruto: hey wait! I was just kidding.
Sasuke: why do you care anyways? What about Sakura?
Naruto: what about her? Am I missing something? Is she secretly a man? No wait. You're going to tell me she's a hermaphrodite, aren't you? Dammit I knew it!
Sasuke: are you trying to play us both like idiots?
Naruto: what?
Sasuke: why do you want to take me up on the offer?
Naruto: why are you trying to get me to weasel out of it?
Sasuke: I'm not trying to do anything.
Naruto: did you assume by offering yourself to me that I would automatically refuse?
Sasuke: what?
Naruto: -walking up behind Sasuke- you weren't counting on me actually being interested were you?
Sasuke: I…I…
Naruto: Shh. It's ok. I understand. –Turns to leave-
Sasuke: No, don't leave!
Naruto: -turns slightly in Sasuke's direction- oh? And why not?
Sasuke: um…uh…I HAVE BOOBY TRAPPED THIS WHOLE AREA WITH LAND MINES. IF YOU LEAVE, I WILL BLOW YOU UP! MWAHAHAHHA!
Naruto: ……o…k. You know, they have pills for people like you.
Sasuke: no they don't. I've checked.
Naruto: maybe you were looking for the wrong medication.
Sasuke: what do you mean?
Naruto: -walks up to Sasuke till he's barely an inch away and places a small bottle in Sasuke's hand- About that offer of yours? –Turns and starts to walk away-
Sasuke: -looks at the small bottle in his hand- what? Are you serious?
Naruto: if you really are interested, you better be prepared. See you at the noodle bar –walks off leaving Sasuke all alone-
Kakashi: -casually walks out of bushes- Ready to go? Hey, where'd Naruto go?
Sasuke: -surprised, he drops the small bottle- Master Kakashi! Uh…uh…Naruto left for the noodle bar already.
Kakashi: really? Well then, we better head on out before Naruto has time to eat our noodles as well as his own. Hey, what's that by your foot?
Sasuke: what? –looks down and sees the bottle- oh! It's nothing really, just my depression meds. –picks up bottle and tries to stuff it in his pocket-
Kakashi: depression meds? If I were you, I'd switch my prescription because those aren't working.
Sasuke: what?
Kakashi: -snatches bottle while Sasuke's distracted- I'll just have a look here.
Sasuke: -trying to get the bottle back- give it back!
Kakashi: VIAGRA! Are you serious? What are you doing with this? Aren't you supposed to be young and spry?
Sasuke: -looking at his feet embarrassed- can I please have my bottle back?
Kakashi: -hands the bottle back to Sasuke- I guess it's none of my business. Let's just go eat. I won't say anything about it.
Sasuke: ok. Thank you sensei.
-They walk off towards the noodle bar-
Kakashi: so, tell me. Why would you have a bottle of Viagra on you anyways?
Sasuke: Sensei,……have you ever wanted to be with…a…guy?
Kakashi: -annoyed- WHAT IS THIS? DO I LOOK GAY TO YOU PEOPLE?
Sasuke: no! No, it's not that. I was just wondering…
Kakashi: -calming down- ok then. Yes.
Sasuke: you have?
Kakashi: yes. For the longest time I had a thing for…Master Gai.
Sasuke: Master Gai!
Kakashi: yes.
Sasuke: the freak w/ the bowl haircut and the centipede eyebrows!
Kakashi: yes.
Sasuke: ARE YOU SERIOUS!
Kakashi: no.
Sasuke: -taken aback- what?
Kakashi: I lied. I thought it would make you feel better.
Sasuke: -slightly disappointed- oh.
Kakashi: it's ok Sasuke. I know you like Naruto.
Sasuke: what?
Kakashi: We all know you're hot for his demon seed.
Sasuke: -turning beet red from embarrassment- what? No, I-
Kakashi: liar liar, pants on fire. No seriously. Your pants are on fire –starts patting the fire out w/ his hand-
-Nearby people stop and stare disgusted at Kakashi as he pats out the fire on Sasuke's butt-
Kakashi: I'M NOT A PERVERT OR A PEDOPHILE! HELL, DO I LOOK LIKE A CATHOLIC PRIEST? HE WAS ON FIRE! I WAS TRYING TO SAVE HIM!
Person: sure he was.
Kakashi: I'm going to eat my noodles. Screw you all!
Person: -to Sasuke- watch your food. Make sure he doesn't put a roofie in it or something. I heard Michael Jackson's running around here somewhere.
-Sasuke leaves for the noodle bar. Finally arrives to see Sakura flirting w/ Naruto, Naruto staring at his noodles blankly, and Kakashi at the end of the bar pigging out on his noodles and ranting to the chef about people in the village thinking he's a pervert-
Sasuke: -sitting down a seat away from Naruto- I feel as if I'm in the Twilight Zone. Sakura…flirting…with Naruto? I guess it could happen. I suppose Kakashi sensei is at times a normal person. But Naruto not eating his noodles? Now I've seen everything. That's unheard of! Then again, why should I care? He's the one who wants me to take Viagra. What the hell kind of crap is that? –notices Naruto watching him out of the corner of his eye- Hehehe…baited…and snared. If he really thinks I'll need Viagra to keep up with him, then maybe I should put him to the test. You, sir, will finally be mine
Naruto: -looking at Sasuke out of the corner of his eye- I'm Henry the 8th I am, Henry 8th I am, I am. I married the widow next door. She was married, how many times? 7 TIMES BEFORE!
Sakura: -with her arms around Naruto's neck- what was that?
Sasuke: -looking at Naruto with one of those "He can't be serious" looks- I seriously have to stop falling for idiots
Sakura: -unwrapping an arm and picking up Naruto's chopsticks- Naruto, why aren't you eating? Here, I'll help you. –starts feeding Naruto the noodles-
Naruto: -in a state of pure bliss- mmm. This is AWESOME! Finally, not only is Sakura noticing me, but she's feeding me noodles. Bait…and snared. Now if only we could get her into a cute little kitten costume…mmm
Sakura: -still feeding Naruto- Hmm, this isn't half bad. Now if only It was Kakashi. Just use your imagination and pretend Naruto actually is Kakashi. Or at least semi cute. Hell, it's worked so far.
-Down the bar where Kakashi's ranting to the chef-
Kakashi: -still ranting- Do I look gay to you?
Chef: do you really want me to answer that?
Kakashi: I mean, what the hell? This is ridiculous! I'M NOT GAY!
Chef: Papaya?
Kakashi: what?
Chef: Papaya? –offers Kakashi the fruit-
Kakashi: oh, no thanks. I've already got a couple of fruits with me as is –nods head in Naruto and Sasuke's direction-
Chef: really now? You don't say?
Kakashi: yep
Chef: I mean, we all knew Naruto would turn out that way eventually…but Sasuke?
Kakashi: yep. He's actually the one who turned Naruto only recently.
Chef: After all the smoke they've been blowing up peoples' asses about that Uchiha kid…Guess that clan really is dead now.
Kakashi: -shakes head back and forth- His poor ancestors must be rolling in their graves right now.
Chef: of course! I mean, the last surviving member of the clan is a homo! Who's he going to pass the bloodline down to?
Kakashi: He could always make an arrangement with one of the girls. Get her pregnant in order to save the bloodline.
Chef: really?
Kakashi: then again, there's still his older brother.
Chef: he's still alive?
Kakashi: yeah. There's still hope he could carry on the bloodline.
Chef: but he killed off the whole clan except the fairy over there. Do you really believe his ancestors are betting on him to carry on the clan?
-Somewhere in heaven all the Uchiha clan is gathered looking down at Sasuke-
Great, Great Grandmother: $50 and tonight's dinner says that Itachi will carry on the bloodline.
Great, Great Aunt: what? Are you serious?
Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandpa: well we can't be counting on the homo to save us, that's for sure!
Great, Great Cousin: He gets this from your side of the family I hope you know.
Mom: what? Are you saying it's my fault?
Great, Great Cousin: you damn right I am. Look at the fine mess your kid's gotten us all into now.
Mom: leave him alone! He's doing his best!
Great, Great Cousin: oh give it a rest!
-Back at the noodle bar-
Chef: why couldn't they have had a girl? We could always use a hot lesbian.
-Heaven-
Great, Great Cousin: Did you hear that?
Mom: yeah. –starting to get peeved-
Great, Great Cousin: they are so right! The Uchiha clan's good looks are going to waste on Sasuke. WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE HAD A GIRL!
Great, Great Aunt: oh cool it already. You're just jealous that this clan's so called "good looks" skipped your generation.
Great, Great Cousin: what! I AM NOT!
-Noodle bar-
Kakashi: just imagine boobs on Sasuke and you've got yourself a lesbian.
-Heaven-
Great, Great Cousin: hey, he's right!
-Noodle bar-
Chef: no –propping a couple sake bottles on the counter- you get a hermaphrodite.
-Heaven-
Great, Great Cousin: hey, he's right too!
Great, Great Aunt: oh shut up already!
-Noodle bar-
Kakashi: -taking swig from sake bottle- is that what they call them?
Chef: I think so.
Kakashi: -raising sake bottle- to minding one's own business!
Chef: here here! –knocks bottles and starts another conversation-
-back down the bar where Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke are-
Sakura: eat up sweetie. You need your strength. Kakashi, you are such hot sex!
Naruto: ok Sakura baby. Anything you say. Damn this is awesome. Hmm, I wonder…
-Daydream: instead of Sakura feeding him noodles he sees Sasuke, black fishnet shirt and tight, low rider, black leather pants w/ chains, spikes, boots and piercings, feeding him noodles-
Naruto: hmm…interesting
-Daydream: instead of Sasuke, pictures Sakura feeding him noodles only now she's wearing a tight lacy black corset, lacy black panties and fishnet stockings-
Naruto: Who needs ADD pills? Not me, that's for sure. I could get used to this.
-Slurping sounds are heard of Sasuke eating his noodles-
Sakura: wow, this is a long noodle
Naruto: -automatically thinks of "metal head" Sasuke- I love sucking on long…noodles.
Sasuke: -not looking at Naruto- I'm sure you're a big fan of the fish flavored noodles.
Naruto: -looking Sasuke in the eyes lustily- I'll suck on anything that's long.
Sasuke: -staring wide eyed at Naruto, chokes on a noodle-
Naruto: -gets up and goes behind Sasuke- Do you need the Heimlich? –wraps arms around Sasuke's waist-
Sasuke: -feeling Naruto's hands around him he blushes slightly- uh…thanks. I'm fine now.
Naruto: -not moving his arms away- are you sure?
Sasuke: -still blushing and looking down- yes. I'm sure.
Naruto: -whispering in his ear- for you. –tucks a piece of paper in the waist of Sasuke's pants and walks back over to Sakura- He's fine. C'mon Sakura, baby! Let's check out the town.
Sakura: Ok!
-With his arm about her shoulders, Naruto and Sakura walk off. Naruto glances back at Sasuke and winks before heading off. Kakashi and the chef are still having a drunken debate, only now Kakashi's half naked on top of the bar-
Kakashi: What the hell are you talking about? Hugo can't die. They're killing off a woman this season.
Chef: think about it: Hugo's practically a hermaphrodite.
Kakashi: what?
Chef: I mean he's already got the boobs. And that hair? If I were him I probably would've chopped it off a while ago.
Kakashi: -settling back into his seat- naw man. Hugo's not a hermaphrodite.
Chef: yeah he is!
-Back at Sasuke's end of the bar. Someone's already cleaning up the bowls-
Attendant: Don't worry about your sensei, kid. We'll keep an eye on him. Why don't you head on out w/ the rest of your group? –walks off-
Sasuke: -pulls out note and reads it- "Tonight at the bridge."