Kiss Goodnight
Since leaving Lawrence, all he heard was rain. It began the afternoon they left and continued as they passed through town after town of picture-perfect Main Streets and happy, smiling families. But there was no happy family for Sam, or for Dean for that matter. No. That has erupted into white hot flames, once again, that burned away the wished for peace and safety of home.
Looking out the window into the twilight sky, Sam's thoughts turned to Jess, as they had done for the past months since her death, leaving him guilt-ridden and cold. Try as he might to encourage his thoughts on to more pleasant memories of the woman he had loved, they continued to refuse. This inability to find closure and peace, it was beginning to wear him down. Splinter the fragile sense of normalcy he tried so desperately to cling to. For himself, but more importantly for Dean. He could handle his own fall, but he couldn't handle what it was doing to his big brother. Hell, in his mind he deserved to suffer. To make up for his fatal flaw that had not only taken his Mother from the world, but had then ripped Jess' vitality and kindness from it as well.
As night fell completely, blanketing the sprawling fields like black velvet, the rain continued to fall. Not a driving, violent storm, but a steady shower. Leaving the air smelling clean and sweet.
As the Impala pulled into the motel lot, he glanced to the sidewalk, half expecting to see her. She had been appearing to him in such places, in such a way for weeks. Her smooth, pale skin draped in white satin. Her blond curls floating about her shoulders. Her eyes attempting to convey some desperate secret. Almost to his surprise, he saw nothing but an elderly couple holding hands as they huddled together beneath a large, lavender umbrella. Taking a deep breath, he opened the car's heavy door and followed his brother inside to arrange for another sleepless night in yet another temporary haven.
Watching the number 'four' click into place on the alarm clock between the room's twin beds, Sam willed himself to get at least another hour of sleep. Just enough to gain that crucial bit of energy needed to drag himself up to face another day. But no matter what he tried, counting sheep, multiplication tables, all he could hear was the rain. Rolling to his side and staring out the window, he swore he could almost hear her voice. Noone had a voice like his Jess. So sweet, the perfect lilt when she was feeling playful.
He missed that so much these days. Playful was a thing of the past. Childish toys put back on the shelf. He also missed the way they never went to bed without a goodnight kiss. It had been such a big deal for him. Almost embarrassing. But Jess understood. It must have been the nurturing side of her that let her understand the safety and peace that simple kiss instilled. She would have been a wonderful mother, he bet. But that was another dream placed upon the shelf to gather dust and fade.
The rain was slowing, and as it did Sam not only continued to hear that phantom whisper of Jess, but he also began to see that familiar white form. Glowing and shimmering against the gloom of the early morning. Unable to ignore the sensations any longer, he slipped from beneath the sheets and padded quietly to the door. Exiting onto the narrow porch of the rental, he stood for a moment leaning against the wooden support post, just staring at her. Staring as his breath caught in his throat, seeing Jess so clearly just a few feet away. As if drawn by a gigantic magnet, he found himself stepping barefoot in the mud, making his way to her side.
Before he could speak, her finger gently moved to cover his lips. Warm and soft, so like her that he almost believed that he was actually feeling her, and not another cruel deception. Closing his eyes, he heard her speak.
"Sam, sweetie, you don't have to say a thing. I know you, probably a lot better than you imagined, and I know that your heart is breaking. I hated coming to you so many times, but not being able to tell you. I had to make you see who you really are. What you can do. I just hate that it had to hurt so much," she confided, her voice hushed, apologetic. "But I know it did hurt, and I know you're sorry. And I wanted to let you know that it's OK. I'm OK. I'm ready to go now, but I couldn't leave without..." she whispered, her voicing fading.
Unable to speak, and wanting to convey a million truths, Sam just stared into her eyes. As if by instinct, he bent down to accommodate her shorter height as she stood upon her tiptoes to meet him. For just a second time stood still as their lips met for what they both knew was the last time. Tears of loss, and finality, and the end of dreams flowed freely down his cheeks to join the rain as it fell from the heavens.
"I couldn't leave you and forget our last kiss goodnight. Please don't forget me, but don't fade away for me either. Live for us both. Know I loved you. Be happy." And then she was gone. Standing in the rain, looking up into the moonlight, he took a deep breath and smiled.
"Goodnight, baby."