Title: Lepus fictitious
Author: Ellex
Feedback:always appreciated
Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis is not owned by me, nor do I make any material profit from this story.
A/N: 'lagmof' is a corruption of 'lagomorph': any plant-eating mammal with two pairs of upper incisors in the upper jaw specifically adapted for gnawing.
Silliness inspired by this picture: http/fun.kazsaa.hu/show/845
Thanks, TJ.
The team was walking through the woods, McKay complaining about the way every single planet they went to looked just like the countryside around Vancouver. Every so often, Sheppard would idly mention the designation of a planet they'd been to that wasn't like a Canadian forest, and McKay would snap back that since the Colonel had never been to Vancouver, there was no way he could tell if the landscape was or wasn't particularly Vancouverian…
Teyla had to shush them several times before they stopped the habitual snarking, finally turning from her examination of something in the brush to glare at them with unusual ferocity.
"If you are not quiet this instant, I shall be forced to make you hush!" she hissed, brandishing one of her fighting sticks with unmistakable intent.
The two Earthers stared at her in surprise, Ronon grinning silently behind them.
"Look at this," she continued, her voice soft. They stepped forward to see the heap of bones she was indicating, gobbets of flesh still hanging on the nearly stripped bones of a fairly sizable creature. "I recognize the signs," Teyla told them. "The creature that did this spreads from planet to planet by sneaking through the Stargate when travelers such as us open it. They are a plague upon the galaxy – not difficult to kill, but nearly impossible to eradicate since they breed with extraordinary swiftness. The 'lagmof' is small and looks harmless, but it is a fearless carnivore, and does not hesitate to attack humans. The venom in its teeth and claws causes vivid hallucinations, so that the victim forgets to eat or drink, and becomes weak and helpless. Then the lagmof devours its victim while they are still living."
"That's horrible!" Sheppard said. "Has anyone survived an attack?"
"I have known several survivors, Colonel. Our greatest storyteller was one such, but he was rescued and cared for by his family. They tended his body while he related the contents of his visions to others. I have heard of others, similarly affected, who were respected writers of books and composers of songs. The hallucinations caused by the lagmof's venom are quite detailed and complex. I believe you would call the creature a…'story rabbit?'"
McKay gasped audibly, earning him another glare from Teyla. "That's…that's impossible!" he said out loud, immediately dropping his voice to a stage whisper that carried entirely too far. "There's no such thing as plot bunnies – 'lepus fictitious' is nothing but a myth! They're just a Native American legend, an old wives tale like the Wendigo, or Sasquatch. They couldn't possibly actually exist."
"They do indeed exist, Doctor. If you are very lucky, you will never encounter a live one. Now, I suggest we return to Atlantis and list this planet among those to avoid in future. From the look of the droppings around this corpse, it is quite overrun with…'plot bunnies'. Step quietly, and hopefully we will return to Atlantis safely."
The team hightailed it back to the Stargate, scanning the forest nervously as they ran. They never noticed the small, fluffy-tailed, buck-toothed creature that hopped surreptitiously through the event horizon and promptly hid itself in a corner of the Gate Room, its belly heavy with young.
fin