A/N: Hello!
Welcome to my newest crazy one-shot in which I let Erik become a tutor for those unfortunate enough to not have enough knowledge of writing...at least as far as the English language is concerned. XD
The title is French for: The Right Grammar.
: P
As usual, flamers will be punjabbed. So, please do be kind.
: D
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(Audience finds themselves seated in pitch-black darkness when, suddenly, they are blinded by a flash of blinding light)
Good evening to you all. I trust that you are all comfortable?
(Audience stares open-mouthed as they gaze around the room, realizing that they are indeed seated in the comfortable, plush red chairs of the Garnier Opera House in Paris. All eyes train on the one bright spot in the dark room: standing on the lighted stage in front of them is none other than the infamous Phantom of the Opera)
I shall take your silence as affirmation.
(Said Phantom smirks as eyes glint in the darkness)
Now...
(Audience can't help but feel nervous as the Phantom clasps his hands behind his back pensively, smirk still in place. A couple of audience members gulp nervously)
I have been kind enough to allow you into my opera for one sole reason: I am here to teach you all a lesson.
(One audience member begins to cry, screaming, "I don't wanna die!")
(Golden eyes gleam at unfortunate audience member as the Phantom frowns dangerously)
I have no intention of murdering anyone here...yet. However, if you do not control yourselves, I may be forced to find an effective method of silencing you.
(Audience now completely silent, staring fearfully at the murderous-looking Phantom)
You will remain silent until I am finished with my instructions!
(Audience nods in silent compliance)
Good. Now, to begin.
I am here to inform you all as to a few common grammatical errors that you of weaker minds fall prey to.
(Golden eyes burning into each audience member)
I choose to only offer a few because I do not want you fools in my opera house any longer than necessary!
(Audience members sit still in comfortable chairs; pertrified)
I shall begin with the one that perhaps is the most common and infuriates me the most.
Your. Your is a possessive adjective that denotes ownership of an object. Such as...
(Eyes glint murderously as the Phantom smirks)
Your necks all appear prime for my lasso...should any of you speak out, that is.
Do not confuse this with the contraction of: you are; otherwise known as "you're".
Apparently, "your" terrified of me.
(Clucks tongue gently as he shakes his head, hands still clasped behind his back)
Do you understand how terrible that sounds?
So very many authors have confused these two and have misused them. It infuriates me so greatly that I could just...
(Right hand comes upward from behind the Phantom's back as he fists his hand and bares his teeth)
...SNAP!
(Audience trembling in their seats; utterly frightened)
(Phantom chuckles darkly as he again clasps his hands pensively behind his back)
However, as I am nowhere near finished, I shall refrain.
Perhaps the second most misused phrasing would be the word: there.
There is a place. They're there. They're is the contraction of "they are" and is not to be confused with "there", or the possessive adjective of "their".
For example, I could say, "Their fear is so great that they're trembling in the seats that are there, in front of me!"
Do we all understand the difference?
(Audience nods, eyes trained on the presence before them)
Good. As long as we're on the subject, I would like to mention commonly misused possessive adjectives. This and these are often confused. This mask covers this horrible deformation. These hands of mine possess an awful lot of power. I suggest you do not do anything to deserve a terrible fate.
Whose is a possessive adjective that is confused easily with "who's"; "who's" is the contraction of "who is". Whose is the possessive; not "who's".
Two more words that begin with 'w' that you fools misspell: "where" and "were". "Where" is an iterrogative word; it asks a question. It also states the location of an object. "Were" is the past tense for a subject that is plural. Such as, "They were incredibly stupid."
Also, "whether" the "weather" is good or bad should not matter! Don't mistake these words!
Please do not be so foolish as to confuse the words "write" and "right"! To write is an author's job; to right is to correct a wrong. Right is the antonym of wrong; or the antonym of "left"--depending on the context you are in. A "rite" is a noun, meaning: a ceremonial act, or a series of acts. Do not forget this.
The next would have to be the word: hear.
Too many people use the word "hear" when it should be "here". You hear music! You do not hear a place!
Some of you, all of you, I'm sure, remember the words to The Point of No Return, yes?
(Phantom speaks with emphasis)
"You have come here for one purpose, and one alone!"
Understand?
(Golden eyes now glowing darkly as the Phantom scowls darkly)
(Eyes train on one audience member in particular, making her gulp nervously)
In order for me to finish, I shall not dispose of you for making this error earlier while typing.
(Kagome1514 exhales in relief)
That doesn't mean that it won't happen.
(Kagome1514 whimpers inaudibly in her seat)
Two words that should not be confused: angel and angle.
How could anyone possibly spell the word "angel" wrong! It is enough to make any of my fellow characters go insane!
An angel is a divine being from the Heavens...such as my sweet Christine.
An angle, by definition, is a figure, or space, formed by the junction of two lines or planes.
(Phantom shakes his head before continuing on)
The word "definitely" is almost always misspelled. Many of you spell it as "definatly". That is most certainly not correct! It is spelled D-E-F-I-N-I-T-E-L-Y! Remember that!
(Audience members nod in their seats)
As long as we're on the subject, I shall discuss the suffix of 'ly'.
I've noticed many people type words such as "definitely" or "passionately" incorrectly. (For example: "passionatly"). You all must learn that there is an 'e' after the 't' on words such as those! However, some words are spelled with the "ally" ending instead of the "tely" ending. Why not just stick with one ending instead of having multiple, confusing ones?
(Shakes head at the crazy grammar of the English language)
While some of you forget to keep an 'e' where it is needed (such as the aforementioned words above), others forget to remove the 'e' when necessary. (A prime example would be whenever one is changing the infinitive of a verb that ends with an 'e' to the continuous present tense. Or for that matter, the continuous past tense. I don't dance; I am not dancing; I was never dancing.)
I was never "danceing"; I wasn't even "dancing". Why would I? I have no reason to dance.
Also, many of you forget to add an extra letter, when necessary, to keep a vowel with the short sound. (For example: You sit. You are sitting. You are not "siting".)
In the past tense, some of you forget to add an 'e' before the final 'd'. Earlier, I yelled; it was not that I "yelld". You would do well to remember that. There are some irregular past tenses that many people do not even know well enough. (Sat instead of sitted; paid instead of payed).
To be utterly honest, this language known as English is far too complicated and confusing. Your suffix pronunciations change as often as the weather; words like "enough", "through", "though", "thought".
To make matters worse, you only have one "you"! How are you ever supposed to tell the difference between the formal you, the informal you, or the plural you? The answer would be: You can't!
(mutters something in French that the majority of the audience wouldn't understand)
(Kagome1514 ponders how Erik just muttered 'Rotten English grammar! Everyone should just speak French!')
(Phantom sighs heavily and shakes his head before continuing)
Now, unfortunately for this world, there are far too many lazy people who are perfectly content with becoming even more idiotic each day. The lack of knowledge in this world angers, and saddens, me.
I believe that this will have to suffice for now.
I have an appointment I must keep, now.
(Phantom's eyes light upon Kagome1514 who is still sitting in the audience. A smirk forms on the Phantom's face as he swirls his cape and vanishes from the stage)
(Chilling laughter echoing off the walls, making all the audience members shudder)
(All eyes train on Kagome1514, conveying sympathy over the fate that now awaits her for making such a stupid mistake while typing)
(Gulping and glancing furtively around the room, Kagome1514 stands slowly.)
'Luckily the lights are on. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to do this...!'
(Runs up the middle aisle, screaming)
Tasukete!
(Pauses in her running, putting a finger to her lower lip pensively)
Hey, wait a sec. I'm supposedly in Paris, France; not Tokyo, Japan.
Au secours!
(Begins running terrified again, still screaming for help, alternating between "au secours" and "help me")
I fixed my mistake! Doesn't that account for anything? I know what I did was wrong! It was a mistake that I typed "hear" instead of "here". I wasn't thinking! Ahhhhh! Accidents happen!
(Chilling voice whispers from every direction)
Yes...accidents happen.
(Kagome1514 whimpers before racing out the opera house doors into the relative safety of the Paris streets)
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A/N: hehehe. Yes, I will admit it. Occasionally, I accidentally type the wrong words sometimes...when I'm not thinking.
(I couldn't resist sticking the last part in there; especially for my Inu-fic-reading fans. haha. ; D )
I hope you all enjoyed the craziness that was this one-shot. Maybe now we'll all be a little wiser in the future.
: D