See Prologue for Ratings and Disclaimer.
First off, I would like to extend my profound apologies for neglecting this for so long, especially when it's so near to the end (although this is not the last part). My third year of University started, and I also had to find time to train and test (quite successfully, I am happy to say!) for my 2nd dan black belt in Tae Kwon Do somewhere in all that, and thus I have no idea how it came to be the end of October- to me, it still feels like the first week of September. To prove a point, let's just say that it has taken me this long to find time to post this next chapter, and a fair amount of this (and all of the next chapter, which was originally supposed to be included with this) was already written down on paper. Once again, I'm sorry I left it for so long, and I hope I still have one or two readers left!
Secondly, I'm not sure how satisfied I am with this chapter (great thing to add on a new chapter that's been neglected for how long, eh?). Basically I played around with it as much as I could, and I didn't think I myself could make it any better than it was, and so I decided to leave well enough alone and post it. It's not as if I think it is bad, just not as good as some of the others, and I hope it goes over well enough.
Lastly, I just want to thank my reviewers again for your comments - and again, I am very sorry to have made you wait so long for more. I can only hope this won't deter your willingness to continue on with it!
Any and all mistakes (barring the influence of the gorram QuickSquish) are mine alone.
PARTTWENTY-FOUR - Enlightened Exogamy
Rhade was several meters behind Beka as they walked along one of the industrial sectors of the Vyshiian colony of Shiiani, having just arranged for a pickup of the cargo sitting in the hold of the Maru. For obvious reasons, he didn't feel like walking beside her, not that he suspected she minded. If only she could have left well enough alone…but no, he didn't blame her for their current mess. He could have lied, or left it at the first part of his answer, but he thought he owed it to her to be fully truthful.
The woman was a mystery to him, most of the time he couldn't explain his reaction to her. Every time he thought he was getting just that little bit further into her head, her heart - even if just as her friend - something new would throw him for a loss, right back to the beginning. She was headstrong, stubborn, she did what she herself wanted - they were all qualities that had drawn him to her in the first place.
When he'd first come aboard she'd been hostile, and while he had attempted to be patient, he hadn't been able to completely curb his reaction to give back equally. But they'd begun to move past that, slowly but surely, until he'd been taken and…tortured. In a twisted way, though, that nightmare had brought them closer to that coveted friendship, allowed them to form a deeper bond, one he didn't want to give up for anything.
But the question of the year was, would he have a choice in the matter? Those same qualities that held his interest might well end up working against him. And who was he to be thinking about choice? Despite the influence of three centuries of enlightened exogamy, he was still Nietzschean; he was the male, the choice had never been his to begin with.
-o-
Beka was back in the pilot seat, back in her element, and back in her solitude. It was no secret that Rhade had been keeping his distance, he wasn't even pretending nothing happened anymore. She knew him well enough to know that he'd never bring it back up, but it seemed quite clear that he wasn't allowing themselves to be put in a position where she could.
Not that she blamed him. But it seemed strange…only a few hours ago the ship wasn't big enough for the two of them, and now, if she didn't know better, she'd think she was all alone, and the vast spaces between the asteroids she was currently navigating only added to the feeling.
When the hell did her life get so complicated? …Scratch that, it had been complicated ever since she met up with a Nightsider in a dank bar more than three years ago. Hell, if she were honest with herself, it had been well before that, but it was then that it took on a whole new version of complicated.
But the point remained…her life was screwed up enough, she didn't need some renegade Nietzschean professing his undying love for her. That was a dimension of complicated that she just wasn't meant to deal with.
As she was thinking this, however, a small, nagging corner of her brain brought up the question, When did he say anything about undying?
That gave her pause only for a moment, made her question things for the quickest second, before she reminded herself that it shouldn't, that it didn't, matter. Time-travelling High Guard captains, blood-thirsty beasts, and maniacal walking lava lamps - these she could deal with; relationships, not so much. She'd had her fair share of those, and from personal experience she knew nothing good came from them, at least nothing long-term.
It wasn't a place she really wanted to go, but for some reason her thoughts ended up on the question of why? As she'd just admitted, she'd been in many relationships in the past, but despite everything, why did she continue to pursue them if she knew they'd all end badly? Had she loved those others? Sure, a couple of them in fact…and even then, she went against her better judgement. She knew, no matter how good it got, it would end sometime.
Then why bother? part of her conscious wanted to know. The answer was simple - because, for a time at least, she could pretend. She could be happy, content, she could have some fun for just that slightest bit of time…at some point down the line, she'd deemed it a worthwhile risk.
Then why was it any different this time?
She wanted to kill that voice. But she couldn't, it was making too much sense - why did it make a difference this time? So his feelings were stronger for her…significantly stronger. That didn't negate the fact that she cared for him, too. To what extent, that question really couldn't be answered, not right now. But she'd been in similar situations before, where she was the lesser committed - it never really changed anything in the long run, at least not for her.
But he is different. The others never started out as friends, there was never a stake greater than a broken heart, there was no friend to lose when those relationships inevitably ended.
Against her better judgement, Beka allowed those thoughts to swim around in her mind. It was true. In her life, her world, a friend was worth far more than any lover of the week. She'd never truly been friends with any of the others, not even the ones she'd allowed herself to love. It was far easier to avoid the risk than to hope everything would turn out for the best.
You've always been a coward, Valentine. You would risk the lives of your friends rather than risk losing them.
She wanted desperately to shut the little voice up, but it was particularly stubborn today.
Your relationship with Rhade is different, it always has been. You knew from the moment you met him on Tarazed that he was somehow different, and yet you did everything you could to lump him in with the rest of his kind. You even tried to provoke him into showing you what his true nature was, and all you did was force him to show you just how different he actually is.
She wished she could forget he'd ever said anything, or at least that she could chalk his feelings up to some sort of Nietzschean revelation regarding a recent realization that no, he wasn't invincible, and that he hadn't fulfilled his inherent instincts. But as of a few hours ago, he'd taken away that opportunity as well.
She cared about him, but she didn't love him, she knew that. The question remained, however…could she? Could she love a friend as more than a friend, more than the others? It had apparently never been enough before.
You know well enough that one or the other will never be enough, it's never meant to be enough. You'll travel headlong into a black hole, but you won't risk tying those two worlds together. You can have as many friends as you want, but you know in the end it'll just be you, all alone.
After all, it's what you want, right?
That was it. The impulsive part of her brain took over and her eyes locked onto her instruments, changing the Maru's heading back to the asteroid field. After only a few short minutes she was gliding the wide-open lanes between objects, locating an average-sized, inconspicuous-looking rock to park behind.
Rhade must have realized something was up, she could hear him for the first time in awhile as he neared the cockpit. She disengaged the pilot's chair and stood up just as he entered, and she turned around.
"Something wrong?" he asked, curious yet fairly unconcerned as he noted her lack of alarm.
"No, not really," she answered, walking toward his position on the elevated level.
He raises his eyebrow. "So…?" He was confused, to say the least.
"So," she repeated, stopping just in front of him. Acting quickly, she grabbed the front of his shirt with both fists and pushed him back into the metal grating of the wall.
Instinctively he shot his own arms up and wrapped them around her wrists, preventing her form further action. Mere confusion was an understatement - he began to worry as memories of a past incident on this very ship were brought to the fore.
They locked eyes for a moment, and then she did what he was least expecting. Despite the grip he had on her wrists, she managed to push up on her toes and crush her lips to his.
His surprise was evident, but she was undeterred and unrelenting, and after a few moments she felt the iron vices around her forearms relax. He began responding to her actions, allowing her to deepen the kiss.
That lasted all of ten seconds, however, as his hand moved from her wrists to gently grip her shoulders. He applied firm, negative pressure and effectively broke them apart. They both had to catch their breaths.
"What are you doing?"
She looked up at him. "Well, I thought it was rather obvious."
"Beka," he breathed, not finding the situation nearly as funny as she apparently did.
She noted his mood and changed hers accordingly. "I'm fixing a mistake." She went to lean into him once more, but he stopped her.
"You don't feel the same." It wasn't a question, and it stopped her advances.
She locked gazes with him. "No, I…I don't know." She let out a slow breath. "You know my history, Telemachus. These things don't come easy to me." There was a miniscule pause before she added, "I do know I care about you, probably more than I should for a crewmate."
He eyes narrowed. "Could you?" He said it as a challenge, but there was a spark of desperate hope in his eye, one she could just make out.
Beka gave her head a slight shake. "I don't know." She took a deep breath, "But I'd like to risk--" she abruptly cut herself off, took another breath, and looked at him. That definitely wasn't the word to use right now. "I'd like to find out."
They regarded each other for several long moments. Beka searched Rhade's eyes, she could see his hesitation, his resolve, crumbling. Without losing eye contact, she slowly pushed forward, meeting no resistance. As her lips touched his once again he was ready and willing, closing his eyes against the sweet sensation.
After a few seconds holding the kiss, Beka strengthened her grip on his shirt, which she had maintained throughout their interaction. She spun them around, doing her best to keep contact with him as his back left the metal grating, and she pulled them into the corridor that connected the cockpit to the rest of the ship. Rhade wasn't in much of a frame of mind to object, his hands moving from her shoulders to her hips, stabilizing their proximity. As their hips remained locked, she began pulling him along, allowing the layout of her ship imprinted in the back of her mind to ensure they didn't crash into anything. At least, nothing too big.
Arriving in the crew quarters, they finally broke apart, panting, as their eyes once again sought the other's. Neither said anything, but they didn't have to.
Yes, she was definitely willing to find out. And he was more than willing to let her.
To Be Continued...