1 Give me relief from my distress
Psalm 4:1

J.T

Today: Friday evening.

I hadn't even bothered going to lunch. What was the point? Why would I want to put myself through that torment all over again? So, instead of eating, I had sat by the lake the entire time hoping that Marcus wouldn't come looking for me. That was the last thing I had needed at the time. Lucky for me, he hadn't. When lunch had let out at two there had been an hour of "free time" where you could, obviously, do whatever the hell you wanted. I had settled with sitting on the grass near the lake, leaning against the large trunk of a tree, and sketching. What else could I do?

I hadn't befriended anyone here except Brian.

And I knew I couldn't go looking for him for something to do.

I had royally screwed up. After "free time" everyone had gone swimming. I had told Marcus I didn't feel good and would rather watch. He believed me. Probably because I really didn't feel good. So, he let me just sit there on the grass and watch while the others enjoyed the cool water of the lake. I cursed mentally when I let my eyes wander over to Brian's shirtless form. Did I mention wet shirtless form? I had spent the rest of that time looking at everywhere but in Brian's direction, inwardly hoping that he would walk over and treat me normally seeing as I wasn't about to walk around and make friends.

He hadn't.

So, that's why I'm walking all alone after dinner back to the cabin.

Being alone fucking sucks. No one should express their feelings. Whoever the hell said it was a good thing to do was high. Or just really stupid. Suddenly something is thrown at me. It's hard. It's a small rock. Startled, I stop walking and turn around. Oh, Chris.

"Hey, Taylor, what happened to your boyfriend? Fight?"

This has got to be the one thing that I hadn't wanted to happen at the moment. I roll my eyes at the stupid comment, choose to ignore it, and begin walking back towards my cabin. He follows me. I can hear him. He isn't exactly quiet. He's so fucking stupid, that's what he is.

"Ignoring me now, fag?"

"That was the plan."

"You shouldn't."

I choose not to answer again because I'm getting really, really annoyed and I don't want to say anything I'll regret. Suddenly, I'm being grabbed, dragged towards the lake, and shoved in. Fucktard. It's not like I don't know how to swim. He could've done worst – not that I'm going to come out and ask him to. He runs off laughing like it's the most hilarious thing in the world – me getting wet. Who wouldn't find the humor in that? Though, I will admit that I had swallowed a gallon of the water and was now sputtering and choking on it. Two hands soon help me out and hold me steady as I bend over still coughing.

Chris is such a retard.

I slowly stand up straight once the choking subsides and meet the eyes of the one person I had wanted to talk to all day but had ignored me like I was a disgusting disease. I wrench my arm out of his hand and push him away. "Get the fuck away from me, Brian." He doesn't look offended and a part of me wishes he would be offended. That he would be hurt since I don't want him around but obviously, that isn't going to happen because he's the one that doesn't want me around.

"Are you alright?"

I scoff and, arms crossed over my wet chest, begin to head towards the cabin.

"Like you care."

"Well, are you?"

"It's nothing a towel can't fix."

We both finish our walk to the cabin in complete uncomfortable silence. I push ahead of him and hurry inside and then proceed to slam myself into the bathroom with a towel. I dry myself off, feeling angrier and more stupid by the second. 'You should have kept your mouth shut, Taylor. Stupid idiot.' Once I'm dry, my hair still damp, I change into some dry clothes and head back out of the bathroom. I ignore Brian as I walk past his bed and get into mine, pull the covers up to my chin, and stare up at the ceiling.

I wait for one of us to say something – preferably him.

After all, he is the one who should be saying something. How about a nice sorry for ignoring me all day? Is that too much to ask for? Of course it is so that's why I'm the one who ends up speaking first.

"Are you going to continue avoiding me?"

He doesn't say anything at first and I figure he's just going to ignore me but,

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Brian – fuck you."

B.K


Today: Saturday. Last night of camp.

He's taken me avoiding him hard. Really hard.

But none of this is my fault. If I had known that screwing him a few times would make him fall in love with me you can guarantee that I would have never even said the word hi to him. God, he wasn't supposed to fall in love with me. He was supposed to have a good time, enjoy it all, and just…not fall in love with me. I should have never popped his cherry. My fucking dick has gotten me into a hole that I can't get out of.

Yes, siree, it has.

Why would he fall in love with me? I'm a bastard. I'm uncaring. I'm…evil. 'You were never evil to him…until now.' True. Why, I don't know. It's kind of hard to be mean to someone who looks so cute all the time. And innocent. And perfect like him. You try being mean to him. It's damn near impossible. No, let me correct myself: it is impossible. And not only am I avoiding him now – he's avoiding me. "Brian – fuck you." Ouch. I suppose I had deserved that last night. I mean, I was totally lying. We're both smart and know that.

I don't even know why I lied.

Probably because I had no idea how to respond.

"Justin."

He's eating lunch at our table – my old table – with his back to me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm probably trying to "patch things up" so I don't have to feel so bad when I see him sitting all one all the time. I'm sure there's another reason to this madness, fixing things. 'Yeah, you like him you fucking shallow idiot.' But I'm pretty sure that's not it. Ok, Actually, I'm pretty sure that is it. I do like him. Do I love him? That's a topic I don't even want to get into right now. Love is…never mind. That word can be discussed when I've had about…a million beers.

His head spins around and his frowning face looks up at me.

"What do you want? This is the reject table."

Someone's grumpy. 'Because of you.'

"Can I sit down?"

"I don't know – can you?"

"May I sit down?"

I roll my eyes down at him. God, he's so annoying sometimes. I guess I deserve it though. But, I have to remember that all of this is HIS fault.

"No."

"I will anyway."

"I know."

"Well, I'm glad you know."

I sit down across from him. Even thought the two of us aren't really talking to each other I feel a million times more comfortable sitting here than I had ever felt over at the other table. Maybe because at the other table girls flirted with me. That has to be a huge reason for my uncomfortable feeling over there. I also know, however, that I…oh god…this is going to sound totally retarded and gay…but I miss Justin. A lot. Stupid blond idiot. Provoking these unwanted feelings out of me. He doesn't meet my eyes when I look at him from across the table. He stares down at his food like it's the best thing in the world.

And everyone in the cafeteria knows that isn't true.

This food is disgusting.

"Justin,"

"Is there something you want?"

Uh – yes.

"Yes."

He looks at me now, eyebrow raised and an annoyed look on his face.

"What?"

"You."

"You have a fucked up way of showing it."

I smile and shrug. And me smiling might not be the best thing to do at the moment. He narrows his eyes at me and looks back down at his food.

"Fuck you."

God – he loves saying that to me doesn't he? I don't care though. I'm going to get him back if it's the last thing I do. And don't even ask me why I'm so determined to get one little person back into my fucked up life. Probably because he doesn't make it as fucked up.

"If that's what it takes."

His head snaps up and I think his cheeks start to turn a light shade of pink. But he's quick to duck his head again. "I – you – whatever, Brian. You're the one who…fucked me over. Why are you so determined to…fix things? I'm sure that there are millions of guys who'd love to be fucked by you one minute and won't mind getting fucked over the next. Not me." He gets up and heads towards the doors that'll lead us outside. I quickly jump out of my seat and follow him. Like I'm going to let him get away that easily. As soon as we're outside and away from prying eyes I grab his wrist and pull him to a quick stop.

"I didn't mean to."

"Hah, yeah, ok. Let go of me."

I don't comply. It's only been a day but I'd rather not deprive myself of the feel of his skin any longer.

"I'm serious, Justin."

"Let go of me, asshole."

"Won't you just hear me out?"

He stops struggling away and I reluctantly drop his wrist. He immediately crosses his arms over his chest and stands there, stubborn and angry frown on his face, and holds his narrowed flashing eyes on me. Ok, now that I've got him still I just need to think of what to say. Without sounding totally ridiculous. I'm not so sure I want to even tell the truth. God – why do things have to be so fucking hard? My life was easy – in the…love department anyway – until he came along.

"I – I freaked."

He scoffs.

"Obviously."

I ignore the comment and continue. Well, try.

"You don't understand."

"What's not to understand?"

"You can't love me. That's not possible."

He doesn't say anything for a minute. Maybe he'll run away and I'll be spared this little…lame talk that we're having. "Too bad." Fuck him. I run a hand through my hair. "You don't love me." He shrugs, aggravated look replacing his glare. "Shut up, Brian. You can't tell me how I feel. Just because your fucked up family can't seem to love you doesn't mean that I can't," So maybe he does understand me, though…he'd be the only one who does.

"So you can go back to your…'nobody loves me world' and leave me alone."

He turns around and starts to walk away. I can't let him do that. He can't just…walk away from me. Instead of going after him like I want to, I watch his retreating back as he heads towards the cabin. When he's no longer seeable I turn around and head in the opposite direction. I have some fucking heavy thinking to do.

And it's all Justin Taylor's fault.

J.T


Today: Saturday evening. Last night of camp.

When I had gotten to the cabin I had had some heavy thinking to do.

He obviously has a problem with the L word. And I can only guess it's because of his family. I mean, it has to be because of his family. They don't exactly show great examples for the L word. Their kind of love is, like fists, belts and other acts of punishment or torment on Brian.

I look over at the clock. Ten.

I missed praise and worship I guess. Brian's not back yet so he probably went. I sit cross-legged on my bed with my chin held in the palm of my hand and wait for him to get back. I don't exactly know what I'll say to him when he gets back and he sees that I'm still awake. What can I say? I'm hurt that he's avoided me like a plague but I'm also hurt for him. Maybe I should just let it all drop and accept his apology. Yeah. That'd be the best thing to do.

I wait for an hour and he finally comes back. With Marcus in tow.

"You need to watch your language, Brian."

"Sorr-rry."

"Alright – goodnight, boys. Lights out in five minutes."

Brian sulks into the cabin, frown on his face and looking extra grumpy. He doesn't bother saying hi. He doesn't even meet my eye or so much as look at me. Great – I've probably made him hate me. He flips the light off and darkness consumes everything. The moon is blocked by heavy clouds again so I can't see anything. Sighing heavily, I get out of my bed and pad over a few steps until I'm standing next to his bed.

I wonder if he knows I'm standing here.

I wonder if he senses me.

If he does he doesn't acknowledge it.

"B-Brian?"

"What?"

He sounds extremely grumpy too.

Sighing, I sit down on the edge of his bed near his hip and hope that he doesn't shove me onto the floor because he doesn't want me on here. If he doesn't want me on here he doesn't say so and he doesn't push me off either. "I – I've been thinking – about what you said." He sighs and rolls over on his side so that his back is facing me. Fucker. He's just going to ignore me probably so what's the point of speaking? I tread on, looking down at my hands.

"And…I've decided that no matter what you say or how fucked up you are towards me and no matter how much you avoid me…I still l-love you. So, you might as well give up. But…I understand perfectly why you can't accept that. You don't trust,"

"That's not true,"

"I'm talking."

His silence takes over once again and I continue.

"You don't trust me. You think I'll hurt you – like your family. I won't though. Incase you haven't noticed…you're the one doing the hurting here."

I don't know what else to say so I move to get off the bed and retreat to mine and wonder if we'll be friends again in the morning or if he'll continue on avoiding me. He's quickly turning over again and grabbing my hand in his own to keep me from leaving and this time I don't tell him to let go of me because I actually want to listen to what he has to say in response. I sigh and make sure to avoid all eye contact because…because and wait for him to say something. Anything.

"I – I know."

"Ok."

I wait for him to go on. Maybe he won't go on. Maybe I know is all he has to say. Whatever – that's fine by me. I've never been good at this kind of thing and, obviously, he isn't either. He worst then I am!

"You're right – about me."

"I know."

"But…I'm willing to take risks."

I smile slightly.

"I'm a risk?"

"Definitely."

I feel him sit up and his hand wraps around the back of my neck and draws my head closer. Soon my face is only centimeters away from his. I smile slightly and nudge my nose against his briefly. "Than…I'd really like you to take me." He smiles and his lips crash against mine with more force than I was planning on receiving. I had no trouble keeping up – tongues sliding into each other's mouths for the first time in, like, two days. Sure, it hasn't been that long but it's been too long. His arms wrap sturdily around me and pull me close, my body on top of his, legs entangling and cocks gathering friction against each other.

I pull away gasping for air and give him a smile, hands tangled in his hair.

"Did you mean what you said – about me fucking you…if that's what it took?"