Harry Potter and the ludicrously badly written movie

Open with Harry reading a letter, it is from Hogwarts.

Narrator: Hello, I will be your narrator. I'm only being paid five bucks and…What? Oh, all right, I'll get to the story. Harry Potter's parents were killed when he was a baby; the person that did it tried to kill Harry, but was killed himself. Harry is now 15 years old and a wizard. He has just received a letter asking him to attend Kwikspell ™: Hogwarts Year 1 (Originally 1-5, but you know, budget cutbacks)…

Harry: I do wish you'd hurry up, I'm not that good an actor, and standing here reading a letter is highly boring.

Narrator: Anyway, a big man has just arrived in a flying Ka.

A flying Ford Ka comes bursting through the wall. It contains a large man's foot and several red-headed boys.

Ron: Hi Harry, thought we'd come rescue you, you being a mate and all. Even though we've never met.

Tall man departs, humming to himself

Harry: Cool.

Narrator: Soon Ron, Harry and Ron's brothers the twins arrived at Diagon Alley Mall (We put the all, back into mall! Magically!). Here they bought all their school supplies, and Harry was given an owl. You don't get to see any of this, but it did happen.

Harry and Ron walk into Honest Ollivanders Quality Used Wand Shop

Ollivander: Ah, Messrs Potter and Weasley, I have just the wands for you…

Ron: No thanks, I have one.

Ollivander: Glares at him. Oh well, as for you Harry…

Ollivander stuffs the closest wand he can reach into Harry's hand, charges him double the marked price and kicks him out the door.

Narrator: At last they arrive at the train station. Here the meet their best friends Hermione and Neville for the first time…I…Wait a minute..?

Harry: Hello Hermione, Hi Neville, how nice to meet you.

Hermione: Hi Harry. Have you seen a toad? And how do we know each others names?

Harry: No, I've not seen a toad. Sorry Neville. We know each others names because we're best friends.

Hermione: Hang about, we just met!

Harry: Hey, yeah! Where's the producer?

Narrator: See Steven Kloves, I told you something was wron…Just get on with it? Oh, very well. Soon they arrive at Hogwarts and get sorted into Gryffindor. Hermione and Ron are instantly made prefects, and they all settle down to bed.

It's the morning. Breakfast. Let's say Halloween, no need to show anything else. After all this is basically where we're going to tack some plot onto this.

Narrator: After a month of hard (Giggle) work, our four friends find themselves trapped in a toilet being told that Harry, a cute boy from the year above and two kids from another school would have to compete in a ludicrously deadly tournament, just for a meaningless award. They are also attacked by a Troll.

Harry: Hey-ah! Huff my wand troll-boy!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Hermione: You saved my life! Ron, will you come to my room with me?

Ron: Sure!

Harry: Gags

Narrator: Despite the threat of coming death, Harry decides his life is not exciting enough. So he and his three friends decide to start sneaking around teachers and other authority figures and generally making nuisances of themselves until they can find an evil plot. They are not disappointed. When's lunch?

Neville: Harry, I've found something! Voldemort plans to steal that trophy thing you're gonna win, which is hidden the Pointless Trophy Chamber in the much bigger Chamber of Secret Mysteries, and protected by a load of seemingly fiendish puzzles, but which three nerdy 11 year-olds could get past without breaking a sweat. Oh and something about your godfather wanting to kill you.

Harry: Voldemort…Voldemort…Hmm…He's the one that tried to kill me, right?

Neville: Yes.

Harry: Ah, top bloke. Oh wait, no. That's me.

Narrator: So as time wears by, Harry and his three friends land themselves in more hot water than you would find if you filled the prefect's bath all the way to the top. Oh, wait, you haven't been there yet. Oh well. Since the start of term, the school had gotten through more than 3 dozen Defence Against the Dark Arts teachers, until the Ministry Of Abusing Magic sent Dollarless Janine Humpbridge to do the job. She was nothing more than an evil cow, but she needed the money, being "Dollarless". Someone hit Steven, that change isn't in the least bit funny.

Harry: Guys, I have a great idea!

Hermione: What is it?

Harry: Let's start a prank campaign on Humpbridge!

Ron: Why?

Harry: Because I hate her, that's why.

Neville: Sounds like a plan. What shall we call our organisation?

Harry: Dumbledore's Army.

Audience: Dumbledore? What's Dumbledore?

Narrator: Steven, I'm going to kill you! Albus Dumbledore is the headmaster of Hogwarts. You've never seen him, but he and Harry get on very well.

Montage: Harry, Hermione, Neville and Ron are seen playing various pranks on Dollarless. She explodes at the end.

Hermione: Well, that was fun.

Harry: Yeah, that's the most active I've been in the whole film. What? You're firing me? But I…Harry suddenly looks completely different, none notices.

Narrator: Oh, Christmas. Um…Harry gets an invisibility cloak, finds big mirror, sees parents, has a few laughs, everyone is happy. What? Christmas is boring in this movie. Anyway, it is finally time for Harry's ridiculous tournament thing. Oh, and before that, Harry meets his dad's best friends.

Harry: Hi.

Sirius: Hi. I'm convicted of murder, and a fugitive who everyone thinks wants to kill you. Just for the record: I don't.

Remus: Hi, I'm a werewolf.

Peter: I'm a traitor; I told Voldie where to find your parents. Toodles. He departs, turning into a rat.

Narrator: Uh-Huh. Well, anyway, Harry swoops into the Pointless Trophy Chamber in the much bigger Chamber of Secret Mysteries, having sailed through the challenges meant to keep people like Voldie out. He kills the other competitors, grabs the cup, beats up Voldie, makes put with Cho Chang, then soars out the Chamber, just in time to see Sirius' cousin murder him.

Harry: Noooooooooooooooo! Sirius! I need you! I love you! You've been like my dad! Come back!

Hermione: You only met him five minutes, and you only said one word to him. He only said 20ish to you.

Harry: Oh yeah.

Everyone enters the Great Hall. Dumbledore stands up

Dumbledore: Welcome to…What? You cut that bit? But I only have 2 scenes…Oh, all right. The end of another year, where does the time go?

Narrator: Onto the cutting room floor. How much of this did you cut guys?

Dumbledore: Bye.

Everyone departs.

Harry: Bye everyone, see you in a couple of months.

The others: See you Harry!

Narrator: And with that, the movie ended, with no explanation of much of the plot, and leaving no fewer than 67 loose ends and holes. I know you didn't enjoy this, and I can't apologise enough. Come back next year for Harry's second (sixth in old money) year. Hopefully I'll have received a raise and I'll be able to make things more enjoyable for you.

Old Harry: I WANT MY JOB BACK!

Harry: Punches him in the nose

The End