The Thing accidentally squashed the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Marvel characters. Here's a fun little one shot that ran through my mind! Yes, another one of those insane silly fics full of character torture! If you are looking for a fic with depressing angst and full of character development you are out of luck. This takes place before Shane joined the group in Evolution XMJ.
That's Fantastic Misfits
"Now, I want all of you to be on your best behavior," General Hawk addressed the Misfits. "This is a very important press conference. You Misfits will be providing security for Reed Richard's latest invention. So watch your step."
"Don't worry," Lance told him. "It'll be a piece of cake!"
"This from the guy who showed up at the World Rock festival and made an idiot of himself," Pietro snickered. (See the fic Read My List)
"Hey! I got some serious offers after that," Lance told him.
"You almost got time in the stockade after that stunt. You're just lucky that the top brass bought that story about you being there for security reasons," Hawk gave him a stern look.
"I know," Lance sighed. "What was General Whithalf doing in that mosh pit anyway?"
"I have no idea," Hawk rolled his eyes. They walked into the Baxter Building.
"What exactly did Dr. Richards invent?" Althea asked. "A new weapon? A new energy source?"
"A specially designed cloth that's built to withstand extreme heat and cold as well as being virtually tear proof," Hawk told him. "It's the fabric Richards created for the Fantastic Four uniform."
"Wait a minute," Xi thought aloud. "This material, they have had it in their possession for quite some time?"
"Yeah," Hawk nodded.
"And the Army already has possession of this material?" Xi asked.
"Army, Navy, Air Force…Nearly every branch of the service has a sample and are already designing the next generation of combat uniforms with it," Hawk said.
"Then why does it need to be guarded now?" Xi asked. "Any attempt to steal it would have been done before. Or it could be stolen from another location."
"Because…" Hawk couldn't think of a good reason. "Because those are our orders, that's why!"
"You don't know do you?" Todd asked.
"Of course I know!" Hawk glared at him. "But the reason is classified."
"In other words you don't know," Todd said.
"They're classified and that is final!" Hawk snapped.
"Look if you don't know just say you don't know," Todd said. "Nobody's gonna think any less of you."
"Will you just drop it?" Hawk snapped.
"It's okay that you don't know," Todd continued. "I mean I'm sure the guys upstairs had their reasons for not telling you…"
"Toad! This conversation is over!"
"I don't know why you have to put up a front or anything…"
"TOAD! NO MORE TALKING! THAT'S AN ORDER! GOT IT?"
"Yes sir," Todd sighed. "I'm just saying…"
"You wanna be transferred to Greenland?" Hawk glared at him.
"General come on," Shipwreck said. "It's not his fault you don't know." He was also there. The other adults were 'recovering' back at the base. "I mean we're on your side. They really should tell you these things."
"Don't you start with me…" Hawk pointed at him.
Finally they made it to the top floor. "Well look who's here," Ben 'The Thing' Grimm was there to meet them.
"Ben! Ben! Ben!" Trinity and Spyder cheered as they scampered over to Ben and tackled him.
"Hey you little rugrats," Ben gave them a careful hug back. "How are ya doing?"
"They like him?" Lance blinked.
"Yup, for some reason they're real big fans of the Thing," Althea chuckled. "They're e-mail pen pals."
"Oh look who's here," Johnny Storm, the Human Torch walked in. "The Rug Rat Brigade and Misfits."
"We love you too Torchy," Pietro said sarcastically. "Just curious, has your butt been unfrozen since Iceman beat the crap out of you?"
"Ha ha!" Ben laughed. "That was funny."
"No it wasn't and he didn't beat me!" Johnny snapped. "Shouldn't you guys be blowing something up at the X-Men's mansion?"
"They're here to provide security for my new polymorph fabric," Reed Richards walked in with Sue.
"You mean the cloth that's already been on the market for like a month or so?" Johnny asked. "Why would anyone need a guard for that?"
"I've been asking him the same question," Sue shrugged.
"You too?" Todd asked. "I've been asking General Hawk and he don't know either."
"Forget it," Hawk groaned. "I'm going to transfer myself to Greenland."
"I think I could use the publicity," Reed sighed.
"Well with the Misfits around you'll certainly get it," Johnny scoffed. "That's the problem. Reed you're gonna end up with a worse mug than old Rockhead here if you depend on them for anything! "
"What's wrong with Ben?" Spyder protested.
"We like him just as he is!" Brittany snapped.
"Yeah he's cool!" Quinn agreed.
"This girls have great taste," Ben snickered.
"Hey I got the phone numbers of Paris Hilton and some Playboy Bunnies," Johnny grinned. "And what have you got? Tea time with a bunch of little girls?"
"That's not very nice," Quinn glared at Johnny.
"Ooh I'm so scared," Johnny laughed. "I got a life to get to. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya?" He walked off laughing.
"You're going to torment him aren't you?" Pietro looked at Trinity and Spyder.
"Yes," Daria said. "Are you going to tell?"
"Hell no," Pietro grinned. "Need help?"
"Yeah…" An evil grin spread across the faces of the girls.
"I got an idea," Pietro smirked. "How good are you girls at cracking cell phone security?"
"Do we want to know about…" Reed looked at Shipwreck.
"No, you're safer this way," Shipwreck shook his head. "Trust a man with lots of experience on this."
"Do you have any experience with public speaking?" Reed sighed. "This kind of thing still makes me nervous."
"Come on," Shipwreck patted Reed's back. "I'll bet I can get you to loosen up! Hey Grimm, is there a bar anywhere around here?"
"Yeah, Ernie's is just down the block from here," Ben nodded.
"Perfect," Shipwreck began to steer Reed out. "Let's roll!"
"Uh, Shipwreck I'd like to point out that I'm not really much of a drinker," Reed protested.
"Aw you're only going to have one little drink," Shipwreck told him. "What could happen?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"Where's Reed?" Sue asked looking around. "He's been gone half an hour and the press conference is in ten minutes." The Misfits were setting up for the presentation.
"I haven't seen Pietro either…" Todd scratched his head.
"It figures," Wanda grunted as she put down a small box. "Whenever there's work to be done my brother disappears."
"Hello!" Pietro zoomed in with the Triplets and Spyder skipping behind him.
"Where have you been?" Wanda glared at her twin.
"Doing stuff," Spyder grinned.
"Was this stuff legal?" Hawk groaned.
"Uh, depends on your definition of 'legal'," Pietro blinked.
"Never mind," Hawk sighed. "Where is Shipwreck again?"
"He took Richards out to the bar down the street to give him some confidence," Lance made the drinking motion.
"Call out the Rubber Room Brigade," Althea quipped. "Dad's at it again."
"Come on," Ben said. "Reed ain't no drunk."
"No, but he's very absent minded," Sue sighed.
"Come on Ben. We'll get him," Hawk told her. "Don't worry. I just hope Shipwreck hasn't gotten him drunk."
"Reed? Not likely. He don't drink that much," Ben told Hawk as the two went to retrieve Richards.
Meanwhile at Ernie's Bar…
"This…" Reed stared at the glass. "Is the greatest invention in the history of mankind."
"Told ya," Shipwreck smirked as he made himself another drink.
"I'm serious," Reed slurred. "This drink could revolutionize the world."
"Here they are," Hawk walked in with Ben.
"Ben! Benny!" Reed hiccuped. "You gotta try this new invenshion…inventeeton…This drink Shipwreck made here! It's fantastic!"
"He's bombed isn't he?" Hawk sighed.
"Yup," Shipwreck said proudly. "Just paint 'Pearl Harbor' on him and he's done."
"Done what?" Reed blinked.
"Stretch, Suzie ain't gonna like the fact that you're completely pickled just before you go in front of all them reporters," Ben pointed out.
"But Ben!" Reed said, showing him the drink. "Taste this! This is amazing! Really? It makes you see things you've never seen before! Have your eyes always been that blue?"
"Okay we're getting out of here," Ben slung Reed over his shoulder.
"No! Wait!" Reed grabbed onto the bar. "You gotta have this drink first!"
"Reed come on!" Ben tried to drag Reed out of the bar, but was having little luck. Especially due to Reed's powers, most of his body remained in the bar. "Give it up already!"
"No! No! No!" Reed hung up for dear life. Frustrated Ben let go and Reed snapped back like a window shade.
"Whee!" Reed flew across the bar, crashing several glasses as he passed.
"Brother…" Ben put his head in his hand.
"Oh just take a sip," Shipwreck waved as he handed him a drink. "He won't go anywhere until you do."
"Fine," Ben reluctantly agreed. "I guess just one drink won't hurt me."
Twenty five minutes later…"Okay…" Ben hiccuped. "Maybe I shouldn't have had that last drink…Or two…dozen."
"When am I going to learn not to hang around Shipwreck?" Hawk sighed as he sipped his drink.
"Seventy Six trombones in the big parade!" Reed was singing and dancing on top of the bar table. "With a hundred and ten something or other close at hand…"
"Man I love a parade," Ben grinned.
"Were we supposed to go somewhere?" Shipwreck hiccuped. "I forgot."
"Funny…" Hawk thought. "So did I."
"DAD!" Althea burst through the door with Lance, Fred and Wanda.
"Oh right…" Hawk remembered.
"And you were worried about us screwing this up?" Lance asked.
"Come on," Althea grabbed her father by the arm. "Grab them and get them back to the Baxter Building! But don't let Sue Storm see this!"
"Ooh, yeah she might get mad or something," Ben hiccuped. "And you don't wanna see Suzie mad."
"We usually don't see her at all when she gets mad," Reed snickered. "Can see straight through her!"
"Heh he…OW!" Shipwreck screamed as Althea dragged him by the ear. "THAT HURTS! PARENT ABUSE! PARENT ABUSE! CALL THE COPS."
"Good! You can explain to them about all those unpaid parking tickets!" Althea snapped.
"ON SECOND THOUGHT! DON'T CALL THE COPS!" Shipwreck shouted.
"Come on Pop, there's a closet with your name on it back at the building!" Althea told him.
Ten minutes later…
"Okay how much coffee have they drunk?" Althea asked Lance.
"Enough to make Hawk sober but not enough for the others," Lance told her. "But I think Mr. Fantastic is calming down. At least I hope he's calming down. We left him in the bathroom for a few minutes."
"Good news I think we managed to take the last bottle of vodka from Shipwreck," Todd hopped up to her. "How does he hide them all?"
"No idea, but it's a good thing we managed to stop him from spiking the coffee with it," Althea sighed. "Where's Sue?"
"Out front with Angelica and Lina," Wanda walked up to her. "So far so good. She has no idea that her fiancée and Ben are drunk."
"Hopefully he'll sober up enough before he makes his speech in about…" Althea looked at her watch. "Three seconds!"
Pietro, Spyder and Trinity walked in. "Where have you guys been?" Lance asked. "You guys keep popping in and out! We're on a mission you know? So out with it? Where have you been?"
"Uh…" Pietro looked around. "Nowhere. What did we miss?"
"Our careers nearly going down the toilet!" Althea snapped. She saw Sue walk up to them. "Never mind! I'll chew you out later!"
"Where's Reed?" Sue asked.
"He's…getting ready," Althea said. "Had to loosen up a little."
"Oh my head," Hawk staggered in.
"What happened to you?" Sue looked at him.
"I got hit by something very hard," Hawk groaned. "I think it was the floor but I'm better now. Uh, Richards will be very ready. I mean he's ready. He's ready. At least he said he was ready…"
"Okay…" Sue looked at him. "Well, let's go then. Mustn't keep the crowd waiting."
"Why not?" Lance sighed as the Misfits made their way to the stage. He looked out and blinked. "What crowd? Nearly all the seats are empty!"
"I think you overbooked," Todd remarked.
"This is the press?" Althea asked. She looked around the empty room. Only three reporters were in the room. "Where did everyone else go?"
"Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie just got into a cat fight with some Playboy Bunnies ten minutes ago in a bar," One of the three reporters said. "You should have seen 'em flying out of here! Five of them took three minutes to try and squeeze through the door at the same time!"
"Nice to know where the priorities of this country are," Lance snickered. "So how come you guys didn't go?"
"I'm with the Army news," One reporter admitted. "I have no choice but to do this or I get court-maritaled. Again."
"Technology Today magazine," The other said.
"I've never heard of it," Lance blinked.
"Duh. it's only the most hard core technology magazine in the country!" Arcade rolled his eyes.
"Okay that explains that," Wanda sighed. She looked at the third reporter. "What about you?"
"Oh I'm with Fashion Central," The flamboyant reporter with a feminine hairstyle told her. He flashed his gold watch as he waved his wrist. "We already have an entire staff devoted to Paris. I'm here to do a hard-hitting story on how important fashion is to our military future. I mean a uniform that not only protects you from injury, but also looks good and is machine washable? Fabulous!"
"Sue, I think we're as ready as we're ever going to be," Althea looked at her. "You might want to get the ball rolling on this."
"Gentlemen of the press, welcome. My fiancée has a very important announcement," Sue spoke into the microphone. She turned behind her and saw Reed approach the podium. "REED!"
Reed Richards was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts, a lampshade on his head and a smile. "MY BRAIN CAN LIGHT UP THE WORLD!" He shouted with joy. He tilted the lampshade so he could see. "Oh hello dear…"
"Looks like he loosened up a lot," Wanda blinked.
"Oooh! Nice boxers," The Fashion Reporter grinned.
"Reed Richards you're drunk!" Sue narrowed her eyes.
"Yes, yes I am," Reed said rather proudly. "I'm drunk as a…as a…drunk person who has had quite a lot of alcohol."
"Okay who put coffee in this vodka?" Ben could be heard backstage.
"Hey! Wanna see why I'm really called Mr. Fantastic?" Reed giggled.
"NO!" Lance grabbed a nearby cloth and threw it over Reed. "KEEP IT PG PEOPLE! KEEP IT PG!"
"Show us! Show us!" The Fashion Reporter chanted.
"You shut up!" Lance warned. "Don't encourage him!"
"WHAT DID YOU PEOPLE DO TO HIM?" Sue roared at General Hawk.
"Isn't it obvious?" Todd asked. "The adults got him drunk while us impressionable children were forced to watch."
"You must really want to go to Greenland don't you?" Hawk glared at Todd.
"Well that's what happened!" Todd winced. "You were drinking with him weren't you?"
"Yes but…" Hawk was fuming.
"Don't worry Hawk. I don't think the Pentagon is going to get too mad at you," Fred noticed a television screen. "They have bigger problems. Look at this! This is live TV! It's a mess downtown!"
"Are those the Joint Chiefs of Staff?" Althea blinked. "And the Governor?"
"And that's General Whithalf!" Angelica said. "Beating up Senator Kelly! And his wife just gave a great right hook to Paris Hilton!"
"Maybe I did over do it with all those phone calls?" Pietro said aloud. "I mean boy what a crazy situation huh?" Hawk gave him an evil glare.
"And there goes Dick Cheney!" Todd called out. "I think he's having another heart attack yo!"
"Well who wouldn't with a lemur on his head?" Wanda asked. "Now that is weird."
"Yeah I specifically told Trinity to get chickens in order to…" Pietro caught himself. "Never mind."
"I don't wanna know…" Hawk growled. "I don't want to know because I can feign ignorance at my court martial!"
"Trust me, that doesn't help," The Army reporter called out. "Sir."
"Man those Playboy Bunnies have some good fighting moves," Todd blinked.
"Is that the Human Torch?" Wanda's jaw dropped. "Where are his clothes?"
"Gee someone must have switched them with something more flammable," Quinn whistled.
"He was in a hurry for his dates," Brittany said.
"She means date," Daria said quickly.
"I'm not even going to ask how or why you did this…" Hawk looked at them. "I'm just gonna go back to Ernie's and get a drink!" He stormed out.
"Isn't that how this started in the first place?" Todd called after him. Hawk just screamed in anger. "Geeze some people are so touchy!"
"WWWHHHHEEEE! I'M A FIRE ENGINE!" Reed squealed in delight. He fled the confines of the curtain.
"REED RICHARDS PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!" Sue shouted. "YOU TOO BEN!"
"Something tells me that the Misfits aren't going to be allowed near the Fantastic Four's inventions for a long, long time…" Althea sighed.
"Forget that, we may not be allowed back near the Fantastic Four period!" Lina exclaimed.
"Or the City of New York," Xi added.
"Technically it's Spyder and Trinity's fault," Pietro remarked. "Nothing to do with me."
"Oh really?" Wanda glared at him. "And you wouldn't have anything to do with that?" She pointed to the television. Wall Street was covered in toilet paper.
"Well we all know that the stock markets been in the toilet for years," Pietro laughed weakly. Everyone glared at him. "I think I must be going!" He ran off.
"Note to self, kill my brother," Wanda sighed.
"One two three la conga!" Shipwreck danced around wearing only his sailor hat and boxer shorts. "One two three la conga!"
"Add my Dad to the list while you're at it," Althea groaned. "And my sisters and Spyder!"
"I'd like in on this too!" Sue told them. "This can't get any worse!"
"Wanna bet? According to the news they also went downtown and toilet papered an entire street!" Wanda said.
"Just a second…" Sue thought. "Which street?"
"Yancy Street," Wanda told her. "Why?"
"Oh, just confirming the fact that our lives are pretty much screwed," Sue sighed.
"Join the club," Althea sighed.