I never said I was proud of myself. Breaking her heart. Did I?
I suppose it was a long time coming. I knew what I need to do this year. I as much as she denies it…I know she wants a fairy tale. She deserves one. I can't give that to her. Not any more.
I'd kill for more time with her, but we've had our chance. It was time to grow up. Time to face reality.
I've tried to separate myself from her since September, but I fear I'm just getting in farther. The expression on her face as I avoid her…it's something I never wanted to cause.
But, it's something I have to do. Something I'd agreed to. I can't say the He would be pleased or accepting that I denied a lifetime in his service to be with her.
And part of me doesn't care what he thinks. But the rational part worships it. They ones closest to them always seem to get hurt the most. My mother is living proof. She tries to ignore it, but I know. I can see past that. And that scares me.
We were in potions, the most rational place I believe. There were scarcely a dozen of us in the room. I broke the news to her…maybe I could have done it more gently. Maybe that would have messed everything up.
I'm trying to forget her expression, though she managed to mask it well. Something we've mastered together. It comes in handy. Do they realize what they have reduced us to?
She merely sat down and managed to go about schoolwork as usual. As I knew she would. I believe it is worse than if she made a scene.
I knew I hurt her. And she knew why. She had things she had to do. Footsteps to follow in.
But, I saw her struggle to swallow during the hour when she thought I wasn't looking. I heard her unsteady breathing. The fact that I had caused that was unbearable.
I wished I could have taken it all back, held her again. But, what's done is done. I'll be leaving soon anyway.
Knowing I did something like that…will bother me…more than one would normally guess. I never said I was proud of myself.