Chapter 0.5
The Special Internet Debut Chapter
Note 1: Look at the simple chart below.
Rikku...From FF10
Riku...From Kingdom Hearts
Please check the spelling when you read these names. I am not female, i am not gay, and i have no intention of ever making (Or thinking of) a Sora & Riku yaoi pairing!
Aut: Hello all and welcome to the internet debut chapter of Final Fantasy A.R.S.E. If you haven't already read chapter 0, then you are an idiot for not reading the chapters in thier correct order, and you should do so now... Shame on all of you that this applies to. In this chapter, you will be given a sort of "Test Run" on what will happen later in A.R.S.E. You'll get to know some characters, you'll learn that this fanfic has lots of swearing and violence, and you may even learn something about yourself. Now to take you on a tour of Balamb Garden, i give you the lovely Quistis Trepe.
Qu: ... Welcome to Balamb... Everyone here is a complete and total moron and/or crazy homicidal freak and/or suicidal nutcase and/or really apealing to male fans... That was your tour of Balamb, please exit to the left and watch your step.
Aut: ...(Sarcastically) I can tell you're overjoyed at this tour idea, Quistis.
Ze: WHOO! YEAH! GO QUISTIS! GREATEST TOUR GUIDE IN THE WORLD! RIGHT ON!
Qu: (Sigh) Fine, I'll be a tour guide for today.. This is Zell, he's the village idiot of Balamb... He likes... (Mutters) Hot dogs.
Ze: WHERE! GIMME MY HOT DOGS NOW!
Qu: To your right is my classroom... Which i will gladly save for last. In the mean time, follow me to the left, where i will show you some of the other things Balamb has to offer.
Ze: Like the hot dogs in the cafeteria!
Qu: (Grabs the back of Zell's head and smashes it into a wall)
Ze: (Unconcious)
Qu: Let's move on. (Walks down a long hallway) Over to your right, you will see the Ragnarok... Or as the students have come to call it... Airship of Pointy Red Shiney-ness... To your left, there is a vast amount of blood on the wall from the last time Sephiroth got pissed at Ninja Gaiden and killed some random NPC's here. (Turns down another hallway) The door on your left leads to Headmaster Cid's office. He's the guy that tries to run this psychosematic nuthouse. Down the hall a bit and to the right is the door to Cid's Shop... Im of course talking about Cid from FF7. At the end of this hallway is Cid's room... Cid from FF10 that is...
Vin: 10 Sucked.
Qu: This is Vincent. Vincent here dresses like a vampire, acts like a vampire, and sometimes thinks he's a vampire... But he's really just some badass in dark clothing carrying around some guns.
Vin: SOME Guns! I've got a whole fucking artillary in this cloak! (Throws his cloak back, lots of guns are revealed) S&W Pistols, a magnum, a Mauser, an M16, an AK-47, a S.P.A.S. a class 3 RPG, and finally, my pride and joy. An S2-AM Sniper Rifle, and the M 19 SPNK launcher, both from halo.
Qu: ... As Vincent kinda demonstrated, self-defense is a very important thing in Balamb... I think he demonstrated it... I mean... Why else would he carry around so many guns?
Vin: Because it's cool.
Ni: Mm-hmm.
Qu: This is Nimbus, Cloud's... from FF7... Twin sister.
Ni: Yep... And im older by 13.4 seconds... Don't forget that or i'll kill you... Unless you give me some Gil.
Qu: Nimbus here is a bit obsessed with money.
Ni: No im not... Im VERY obssesed with money.
Qu: Anyways, we now move onto the last room in Hallway C... Edea's room... We're not allowed in there... (Goes down another hallway) Here, we have the... Fuck.
Ze: (Pops out from a corner. Gasp) CAFETERIA! GIMME MY HOT DOGS!
(A Gunblade flies out of nowhere. The hilt hits Zell on the back of the head, knocking him out)
Sq: Hell yeah! 2 points for me!
Sei: Damn you! You and damned heroic abilities! If i wasn't a villan, i could've done that!
Qu: This is Squall and Seifer... From FF8 for those who care to keep track.
Sq: Who ya talkin to, Quistis? (Looks at the reader) OMG! IT'S THE FULL SCALE INVAISION OF THE GIANT PEOPLE FROM PLANET KARSCHNESCHSHISHLASCHVOEHHK! EVERYBODY RUN! (Starts to run away and slams into a wall)
Sei: YES! MY LEIGON OF MINIONS HAS FINALLY ARRIVED FROM THE UPS MAN!
Qu: (Sigh) ... Just think... I have to put up with this EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY!
Re: Heya Quistis.
Vi: WTF's goin' on here?
Ku: LOOOKIT! Big peoples in the windows... Eeewwww... That one looks like a Shemale...
Yuf: I can kill them all with my mighty shuriken!
Yu: DEATH! WHERE! HIDE ME!
Qu: This is Red XIII, Vivi, Kuja, Yuffie, and Yuna... All from either FF7, 9, or 10... You can figure that one out for yourself, im not gonna fuckin' explain everything... Wait, why're you guys out here anyways?
Ku: SSSSSHHHHHH! Be vewy, vewy quiet. Im hunting Mexicans... Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Vi: (Blasts him with Thundaga) SHUT UP YOU INSOLENT FOOL!
Yuf: Well...
Yu: DEATH!
Re: (Headbutts Yuna, knocking her out) Sephiroth is being crazy again.
Qu: What did he do this time?
Vi: He thinks hes a L33T hacker... He keeps ranting in L33T... I can't understand a damn word of L33T...
Ri: (Walks up) OMFG. GG Noob, GG.
Qu: ... This is Rinoa from FF8... Why in the hell are you talking like that?
Ri: Im getting in the spirit of the internet debut chapter! LOOK! (Pulls off the white dress she is wearing For those who have played VIII, It's the dress she wore at the SeeD Ball)
Sei: WHOOO! UNDIES!... Wait...
Ri: (Under the dress she is wearing black pants with the "0V3RCL0CK3D" symbol on the right leg, and a dark blue shirt with the words "1 PWN N0085!" in light green)
Aut: Wow... I didn't know Rinoa could seem so... Badass...
Ae: WHO WANTS TO PLAY HALO 2?
Tif: IF YOU CAN BEAT US, WE'LL FLASH YOU!
(Thousands of resonating "Thumps" fill the air around the world as fanboys reading this try to jump into their PC's screen)
Qu: Girls... I...
(A blur flies past the group standing in the hallway, and stops before Tifa and Aeris... It's Cloud)
Cl: I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE, FAIR MAIDENS!
PUW: HELL YEAH BIZZITCH! WE"S GON' GET DOWN IN DA HIZZERE! DA ULTIMA WEAPON DONE GON' GET 'IMSELF SOME ASS UP IN 'ER!
Qu: Cloud, didn't i tell you to find a way to get that damned thing to shut up?
PUW: THING! BITCH, I IS DA ULTIMA! DA MOST POW'FUL SWORD ON DA PLANET, SO YOU JUS' SHUT 'CHO PRETTY LIL' MOUTH, YA STUPID S&M TEACHA!
Qu: (Eyebrow twitching)
PUW: Damn... I mean... Uh...
Cl: I think you screwed yourself over there, bud.
PUW: Man, fuck you!
Qu: Forget it! Im not gonna be a tour guide anymore! (Goes into the door on the right... The door is marked "THE JANITOR'S CLOSET #83546"... Below is a piece of notebook paper with "DU KNOT INTUR" written on it... In Magic Marker... In 5 different colors)
Aut: ... Oops.
Se: (Runs up to the group) GUYS!
Qu: (Steps out of the closet. Between deep breaths) I... Don't... Even... Want... To... Know... What... The... Hell... That... Was...
Se: QUISTY!
Qu: (Jumps as Selphie screams) WHAT!
Ir: (Runs up behind Quistis) SEPHIROTH"S DOING HIS CRAZY STUFF AGAIN!
Qu: (Stops cringing As she was doing so the whole time Irvine was screaming) That's great for him.
Se: No... REEEEEALLLLY crazy stuff...
Qu: like?
Se & Ir: (Grab her by the arms and begin running towards Quistis's classroom)
(Everyone standing in the hall follows them)
(Within seconds the group stands before the classroom door)
Qu: Now then... What's this great crisis? (Opens the door)... Whoa...
Ri: What? (Peeks around the door) OMFG WTF!
Au: (Sits at his desk surrounded by empty beer bottles) HIC Do Wha? HIC
Qu: Not you!
(PLEASE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, SEE NOTE 1 AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER...IF YOU HAVEN"T DONE SO ALREADY DO IT NOW! Rikku lies ontop of a desk, Sora is on top of her, and they are making out very VERY passionatly. They stop for a second)
So: Huh?
Rik: What?
Qu: No, not you two either!
So: ...Oh...
(Sora and Rikku resume their... Activities)
An: (Making a sphere of darkness) Hmm?
Qu: (Eyebrow twitching again) Not you...
Lu: (Pole dancing in a corner) Me?
Qu: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, IM TALKING ABOUT SEPHIROTH!
Sep: (Sitting at his desk, madly typing away on his computer built into the desk. Paine sits next to him, leaning on his shoulder) Oh, heya Quistis. 'Sup?
Qu: Sephiroth... What... Pray tell... Are you fucking doing now?
Sep: Me?
Qu: You.
Pai: Him?
Qu: Him.
Ze: (Runs into the room) ZELL!
All: (Stare at him)
Ze: ... Im gonna go... Eat a hot dog now... (Runs out)
Pai: He's practicing his L33T hacking skills, isn't that right Sephy?
Sep: Yup! Guys! Lookie! Im L33T hacking E-Bay! I can make this life sife statue life statue of Darth Vader made from Reese's cups and Kit-Kats cost only a half penny!
Qu: (Looks at Selphie) that's your big crisis! Wait... I don't think you can spend only half of a penny Sephiroth... not in the U.S. anyways
Sep: ... THEN I SHALL HACK THEM !
Qu: (Sigh) Sephiroth, you can't hack a...
(A loud "Beep" suddenly covers the entire planet)
Qu: (Pulls a penny out of her pocket)... OH MY GOD HE DID IT!
Ze: (Pops back into the room) Did what? Won a lifetime supply of hot dogs?
Qu: No, hacked the pennies!
Ze: Cool... Did he make them into hotdogs?
All: (Slap him)
Qu: No, he...
All: (Get closer to the penny in Quistis's hand)
Qu: He...
All: (Get even closer)
Qu: He...
All: (Get even closer than before)
Qu: He...
All: (Only about 3 inches from the penny)
Qu: He took Lincoln's face off the penny and replaced it with his face!
All: ... WHAT?
Sq: (Stroking a penny) Im gonna call you... Pennyroth!
Qu: Sephiroth! Restore the pennies to thier original state.
Sep: Ah, but Quistis...
Qu: NOW!
Sep: (Terrified)... Yes ma'am.
(Another loud "beep" covers the planet)
Qu: Thank you.
Sep: (Eyes glow an eerie blue) DAMN YOU WOMAN! YOU'VE RUINED MY PLANS FOR GLOBAL DOMINATION YET AGAIN! I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD! I WILL HAVE IT! (Back to normal. To Paine) Wanna go CENSORED?
Pai: Hell yes!
(Paine and Sephiroth run off to Paine's room)
Qu: Everyone... Leave...
Cl: What for?
Qu: (Her eyes are demonic and red) I... SAID... LEAVE!
All: (Run out of the room)
Qu: (Sits at her desk)... I fuckin' hate you.
Aut: C'mon, they're not as bad as you make them out to be.
Qu: You're right... They're worse.