Chapter Five

CJ tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and continued watching the door of the ICU waiting for Josh or Toby to come out and say it had been a mistake, that it was a different Sam who was probably going to die tonight, not their Sam. The doors did open but it was nurses, doctors and anxious relatives that walked through them. CJ glanced at her watch and wondered how long Donna would be parking the car. She needed someone to talk to, someone to sit with until it was her turn to sit with Sam. Josh had gone straight to Toby on their arrival but CJ had held back. She wanted to talk to the doctor first, to hear it for herself.

"CJ? It's CJ Cregg isn't it?"

CJ looked up to see Dr Keel standing in front of her. She remembered him, his kind words and even kinder eyes. "Yes, and you're Dr…"

"Keel. Are you waiting to see Sam? I checked on him before I left a little while ago he was doing-"

"He's not doing well at all, that was what they told Toby, he's not doing well and they said we should come in."

Dr Keel shook his head, "I didn't know. I spoke to Toby before I went off but I didn't know his condition had worsened. Look, I'll go and find out what I can for you."

"Thank you, I'd appreciate it." CJ looked up at the man and for the second time that day was struck by his eyes. It was no time to be thinking of men's eyes though, not when the man with the most beautiful eyes she'd seen lay in a hospital bed fighting for every breath.

"I parked in the 24 hours park was that right? I mean I could go move it but there was a queue in the other one and I thought, better get too much parking than not enough because I've done that, gone shopping and then forgotten the time and only paid for-" CJ squeezed Donna's hand and she stopped talking and let herself be pulled down next to CJ. They waited in silence and neither let go of the other's hand.

Dr Keel came out and told CJ much the same as Josh was being told inside. Sam's breathing had worsened again and his blood pressure had dropped. It was what they didn't say though that worried Josh. They didn't say that Sam was holding his own or that he was doing as well as could be expected or any of the phrases that Josh so desperately wanted to hear. After listening to the doctor, Josh went outside. Donna stood up as he approached. "Sit down, Josh," she urged, taking in the pallor of his face.

"I feel like I've been sitting down all day, I've come out here to walk around." Josh did just that and CJ and Donna watched as he paced around the small confines of the corridor.

"Are you going back in?"

Josh spun around at the sound of CJ's voice. "I'm sorry?"

"I asked if you were going back in. If you're not I could sit with Sam for a while."

Josh nodded and CJ didn't know if he was agreeing to her going in or not but he had turned away and continued to pace and so she got up.

Donna was growing dizzy watching Josh circle the shiny floor and so she sat down and suggested he do the same. Josh didn't reply or make any move towards her and so she stood again. She placed her hand on his arm and spoke quietly, "Josh, please sit down, if you keep pacing you'll be-"

"Don't!" Josh flinched as he felt her hand on him and shrugged it off. The word was not a command or a warning, it was a plea. Donna backed off. She knew that Josh was holding it together but only just and any show of affection or concern from her would be all it took to make him fall apart. She put her hands behind her back and looked down for a few moments giving Josh time to collect himself. "What do you need me to do?"

"Find out where we're at with Sam's parents. Cancel my meeting with Shipley and tell Ginger to reschedule Toby's meeting with Bourne and Harris. Go to Sam's place and pack some stuff. I don't know, what did you do for me when I was-"

"I walked around your apartment in a daze and shoved anything I thought you might want in a bag."

"Yeah, that sort of thing," Josh agreed and Donna was surprised at how relieved seeing a small smile on his face made her feel. Josh was smiling. Sam wouldn't die if Josh was smiling. She believed that almost as much as Josh believed that packing a bag for Sam meant the same thing. Donna reached out again and this time Josh didn't shrug off the hand that reached for his or the gentle kiss that brushed his cheek.

The television set sent light flickering across the filthy apartment floor. A cold hand reached for a bottle of beer that rested precariously on the arm of a sofa. "Fuck! Fuck yeah!" The television showed images of coffee stalls and shops from various cities then switched to a reporter who stood outside the White House. A still of Sam filled the screen followed by footage of him and the President. The man who watched had no idea who Sam Seaborn was but he issued another round of expletives as he realised the extent of the damage he had wreaked that day.

CJ stood at the end of Sam's bed. A nurse nodded encouragingly at her but she remained where she was. She had known Sam would look worse than he had before but she was still taken aback at the sight that greeted her. Toby was hunched over in his chair, one hand on his forehead, the other gently holding Sam's hand. CJ couldn't see Toby's face but she could tell that he was staring at the floor. Sam's eyes were closed and didn't open as CJ neared the bed. Toby remained still too and only looked up when she came and stood by it. He straightened and rubbed at his eyes.

"Donna's with Josh," CJ explained as she quietly pulled a chair up to the bed.

Toby nodded but his attention was now on Sam who had opened his eyes at the new voice. His eyelids fluttered and stayed half open revealing eyes which sought out Toby before crossing to the other side of the bed. "CJ!" The name was uttered slowly and it seemed to take Sam almost as much energy to say it as the smile that followed.

CJ, a woman who spent every day choosing words to conceal, distract, elaborate and manipulate was suddenly unable to think of a single one to say. She reached through the metal railing and grasped Sam's hand instead.

"Sorry," Sam mumbled but Toby told him to stop it and it was obviously a sentiment he had expressed before.

Between Sam's strained breaths, CJ could hear the hiss of oxygen working its way along the tube. Her hold on Sam's hand tightened and she forced what she hoped was a reassuring smile.

Sam looked at her before turning his gaze back to Toby. "You're alright, Sam, just take it easy."

Sam's eyes closed and he nodded slowly. He felt disjointed, like the top of his body was trying to float away but the hold his friends had on him was keeping him anchored to the bed. "Don't…don't let go."

"We won't if you won't," Toby replied and Sam's eyelids opened again but this time he was unable to find the strength to turn his head towards him and an almost imperceptible nod was his only reply.

Two hours passed, punctuated by the nurses' frequent monitoring of Sam's condition and accompanied throughout by the low hiss of oxygen and Sam's laboured breaths.

Josh and CJ swapped places twice but Toby remained where he was, never offering to leave so they could both stay and never asked to do so. Donna returned and waited outside to tell Josh that nobody had been able to contact Sam's parents. CJ and Josh waited outside while she went to Sam. She stroked his hair away from his forehead and then kissed it whispering something softly that Toby couldn't hear.

CJ stayed outside with Donna, wordlessly allowing Josh to return to Sam. He waited for the nurse to finish recording her notes before taking his seat by the bed.

"Doctor Keel has been," Toby told him without taking his eyes off Sam.

"What did he say?" Josh placed his hand back over Sam's.

"Nothing, just said he was holding his own."

"That's good," Josh looked up at Sam. "It means he's fighting."

Sam could feel the hands holding him again and his friends' voices that seemed to float just above him. He opened his eyes and could see their shapes beside his bed. He wanted to thank them for staying with him. He didn't know what time it was but it was darker than before and quieter so it was late and they were still here. He was afraid if they let go of his hands he'd float away, up to the ceiling, and no one would know where to find him. He wondered if he would be able to breathe if he floated up there. He wondered if the pain would go away.

"Shush, we're right here," Toby told him in answer to his mumbled words of thanks and requests for them to stay.

"Good…stay…hold on…don't let go."

"Shush," Toby repeated and Josh tightened his hold on Sam's hand and hoped Sam could feel it.

CJ entered and stood at the end of the bed. The nurses saw her but didn't say anything and so she pulled a chair up next to Josh and sat down. She snaked her slender hand through the rail and placed it on Sam's arm.

There was a rustle of material and a long sigh, another rustle, a longer sigh and then a rush of cool air as the comforter was raised.

"What's wrong?" Abbey asked from beneath the covers.

"Sorry. Go back to sleep."

The bed dipped as Bartlet sat on the edge of it and Abbey rubbed at her eyes and sat up. "He's in good hands, Jed. Doctor Keel is one of the best doctors I know."

"Yeah," Bartlet answered but he stayed perched on the end of the bed. "I think I'm going to go down and do some work. I can't just lay here, Abbey, I need to be doing something. I think I'll go down for a while."

Abbey wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. "Do you want me to come with you?"

Bartlet smiled and turned his head. "How did I end up with a woman like you?"

"You got lucky."

"I did," he agreed and kissed her gently before rising from the bed.

When he got to his office he picked up some files and sipped on the tea that had been made as soon as word had come from the Residence that he was coming down to the Oval. He couldn't concentrate though, couldn't escape the fear that the morning would bring news that he dreaded. He rose from his desk and wandered aimlessly through the corridors. The agents keeping a discreet distance as he entered the Communications Bullpen and walked towards Sam's office.

"It's still locked, Mr President," an agent informed him and Bartlet nodded slowly and headed back to the Oval.

Two nights ago Toby had been reading a book of quotations. He had been reading a chapter called Famous Last Words, the supposed witticisms of poets, politicians and kings on their deathbeds. He couldn't rid his mind of them: if this is dying, I don't think much of it; either that wallpaper goes, or I do; turn up the lights, I don't want to go home in the dark; too late for fruit, too soon for flowers. Toby closed his eyes, scrunching them up as if he could force his mind to rid itself of the swirling words. He didn't believe any of them, not now, not sitting here wondering if Sam would live to see the morning. People didn't make grand statements or throw out witty comments to be recorded for prosperity on their deathbeds; they just lay there and either won or lost the battle that their body was waging against whatever illness or injury it was fighting. Sam wasn't saying anything, not anything that would be worth recording. He was frightened. He looked frightened and when he spoke he sounded frightened.

"Can't breathe," Sam mumbled and Toby listened as Josh assured him that he could and that the oxygen was working and helping him. Sam had said this a number of times through the night and reassurances from one of them had been enough to quieten him but this time it was different. He tried to sit up. "Can't breathe," he repeated. The nurse had just completed her checks but she returned now at Sam's movement and the raised voices.

"Toby?" Sam said and the fear that had shrouded the bed all night seemed to resonate within the word.

"I'm here," Toby said, "We're all here, you're not alone." He didn't tell Sam it was going to be alright because he didn't think for one moment that it was but it suddenly seemed vital that Sam knew he wasn't alone.

Toby heard Josh call his name with the same questioning fear and wondered why everyone thought he could do something. A white coat came into his vision and a hand pushed him gently away from the bed. Sam moaned. Josh stood up. Sam called out. CJ stumbled slightly as she moved away from the bed. Josh told Sam he was there. The pillows were pulled away and thrown onto the floor. Sam was told to breath. The Doctor cursed. A beeping filled the room. The oxygen mask was pulled away and swung backwards and forwards by the side of the bed. Rapid commands were shouted. Sam was told to breathe, and then the doctor cursed again.