Chapter 24: Truth be Told

"Michael" she whispered after a few short seconds

"Mmm?" he simply hummed quietly into her hair, his lips pressed against her as if in a subconscious fear of his own not yet spoken words.

"Promise me something"

"Anything" he replied in a gentle voice

"If we do this, we can't fight- not again."

"Syd you know I can't promise that. It's never been an issue of premeditation between us- trying to control what we have is like trying to control a storm- it's too strong and too wild. It runs too deep."

"Then promise me you'll try," she said, swallowing the marble in her throat

"I will. For you."

She nodded against him, not sure where to begin. There was a comfortable but strained silence as she felt the rise and fall of his chest slowly lift her body in a mimicked pattern. Their breathing had fallen into a copied rhythm and she felt her heartbeat quicken at the anticipation of an answer to a question she had needed to hear for a year.

"What was she like?" she asked suddenly, the light yet exasperated tone of her query catching them both off guard. She felt his chest freeze momentarily as his breath caught, and once again their exhalations fell out of sync. They were no longer in tune.

How should he answer that? It would be so easy to give the obvious answer, to make some sarcastic comment and take the easy way out- to use humour in place of truth, sincerity and honour. But he knew she needed to hear him describe the woman he had let replace her; he needed to hear it.

"She was...nice" he said finally, his tone honest. He felt her tense at the response she was expecting although didn't particularly want. What she felt towards Lauren needed to go beyond hate. She needed to know the woman behind the traitor to gain closure. "She was kind... intelligent... funny. At least she pretended to be." He said in a small laugh he felt almost obligated to produce. "She had these quirks," he said with a tiny smile

"What were they?" Sydney asked in a small yet painfully curious voice

"I don't know..." he replied quickly and shyly "She would do this thing where- she always had a Jack Daniels and a newspaper waiting for me when I came home from work; it was this joke we had. And on a Wednesday we always had to go out for dinner regardless of how we were feeling..."

"Vaughn" she interrupted in a whisper, pained at the sound of his recollections and his fond and tranquil tone. This was harder than she anticipated. "I'm not sure I can do this," she whispered more to herself than to him, recoiling from him

"Wait, there's more," he told her, gripping her arms as he felt her begin to move away from him. He held her by the wrists, her back held to his torso as he continued in a dark voice which bordered on a whisper "There were other things... like how she would always insist on sleeping on the right side of the bed..."

That was her side

"That was my side," she whispered without thinking, her head turning a fraction towards him

"I know" he hushed back knowingly in equal volume, letting his head affirm his words in a small nod he knew she could feel but not see.

"Whenever she watched hockey with me she always perked up in half time- she told me the 'little metal thing' had always been her favourite part of the game"

Zamboni was her favourite part. She didn't need to voice her thoughts that time

His voice was deathly quiet now "She always tucked her hair behind her ear when she was nervous" he let his grip loosen on her wrists. When he felt no movement, he removed his hands completely, wrapping one against her abdomen and letting the other fall to the seat of the couch beside her.

"You think she did it on purpose?" she hushed conspiratorially

"I know she did," he confirmed softly. "I only remembered after she died. I used to think she was so different to anyone I had ever met before- its what drew me to her. She was so different to you. That's partly why I liked her. I didn't like her for who she was, but almost for who she wasn't. Does that make sense?" he asked quietly, insecurity hiding in between his words. She simply nodded silently against him, filling him with a modest strength.

"She wasn't strong like you- you could handle your own, but I liked that sometimes you needed me. Lauren was dependant on others- she exuded this honourable neediness. I needed someone to look after- to fill that space that you had created. I always felt I could be there for you if you needed me to be, that my protectiveness towards you was beyond obligation or habit. I always knew that. You needed me as much as I needed you. But it was in a way that wasn't desperate. It was like you chose me." he smiled

"Lauren," he continued "projected this image of vulnerability that she knew would appeal to my masculine pride and my inner handler, but most importantly to the man I had become because of you. She knew I needed someone to cherish and devote myself to- to look after. The quirks she displayed were subtle, clever. She realised I would never question her, tell her 'Hey, can you not do that anymore? My dead girlfriend used to do that'" his voice was mocking and full of self-loathing. She squeezed her eyes shut momentarily at the hate she heard and pulled his discarded left arm up from the couch, tightening both around her body.

"You were in love with her weren't you?" she asked quietly. A small second elapsed before his inevitable and agonising answer.

"Yes" Vaughn whispered inaudibly with another tiny nod. She herself nodded in acceptance, feeling a lone sob shudder through her chest. "I tried telling myself that I loved her but wasn't in love with her, but I knew I was. It just happened." He whispered with an exasperated and disbelieving shrug of the shoulder. His head shook ever so slightly in incredulity "I didn't want to fall in love with her, but I just did. It wasn't a kind of romantic personal objection either like it was with you- we couldn't fall in love but we did. I didn't want to fall in love with Lauren because I didn't want her, plus I just couldn't face falling for someone else so soon after you. I'd like to blame it on my grief and on my loneliness and the way she copied you in subtle ways. I liked to think it was due to the ways she used and manipulated me but it was more than that. I grew to love her. First there was respect, and then friendship, and finally, love. I didn't feel the same attraction I had towards you. I never did. That, you have to understand," he whispered fiercely, shaking her body once in an urge for her to reply

"I understand" she hushed. She silently battled with the nasty sting of her eyes, refusing to let the heavy and watery weights fall from her eyelashes.

"What we have" he shook his head as if in awe "It only happens once." She smiled softly as she rested her head against his chest. "I was never a believer in fate or-or soul mates or whatever, but I knew whatever you want to call it, you were mine." Her forehead creased and her eyes closed in bittersweet anguish, his declaration and the tragedy of their love digging into each other in a passionate and seductive tryst. The pressure of her eyelids squeezing together caused that one stubborn tear to fall mercilessly onto her cheek and he enhaled a shaky breath. "And you were gone" he whispered in devastation a few pensive seconds later

"Every time I looked at you, my heart would do this thing-" he smiled "It thumped so loudly in my chest I could swear that you must have been able to hear it. I would not be able to concentrate on what I was saying and I would suddenly realise" he laughed, his voice animated with the recollection of his naïve giddiness "that I had had an entire conversation with you without even realising. I could never sleep when you were on operations." he told her "Or when I knew you were hurt." he added "Or when I knew you were home." His voice got progressively quieter "Or when I knew you were alone." He smiled with a hint of extreme sadness in his eyes "Or when I knew you were perfectly fine and happy, not giving a single thought to me or the miserable life I was leading without you"

"I was so in love with you" she said with a fond smile and a melancholy and incredulous shake of the head. "All those things you described- I felt them every time I thought of you. I still feel them."

"Me too" he whispered, brushing her stubborn bangs with the back of his fingers "It seems strange there was a time when I was just your handler- when I wasn't allowed to touch you" he picked up her hand, placing a soft kiss to her knuckles "or kiss you whenever I wanted. There was a time when we were just co-workers and the only thing we shared were stolen glances"

"There were two times like that" And with that they were reminded. There were two periods where their love had to remain unvoiced and restrained, where touches were subtle and treasured and guilt and fear eclipsed their suffocating need to be together.

Vaughn shook his head; he wasn't ready to go back yet. He needed to stay in the memory of a fresh love and beautiful purity before returning the tangled mess they had lived in for an entire year.

"I would have moved Heaven and Earth to keep you safe- I still would. I knew you were unique as soon as we met and I fell for you hard and fast. Being around you actually made me dizzy." he chuckled "Every time I was with you I felt pure elation and extreme fear all at the same time and I hated that I couldn't know every inch of you- every morsel of information you had to offer. When I was with you I was a different man- a better man. I loved you with every possible fibre of my being and when you were ripped from me, every cell screamed for you" his voice shook slightly as he continued. "The grief Sydney..." tears formed in the small ducts in the corner of his eyes "how did you live with such agony after Danny?" he breathed "You can't see, you can't feel. You forget they're gone and you go to call them or to kiss them but something clicks. Its like" he paused for a minute second as he processed what he was trying to say "the only thought or feeling or sensation you have is of utter isolation and you realise" he said "they aren't there after all- the love of your life and you as an embodiment of another person have been cut away away from you.

"All you see when you look in the mirror is the scar from where they were taken and the imprint of the person you could have been. Everything was a copy of a copy of a copy- nothing was in focus." He paused for a moment "Just you." He shrugged in pained disbelief "out of all the images that have tortured me, it was you that frightened me the most." he whispered "There were parts of you I couldn't remember. I had no photos of you- nothing tangible to remind me what you looked like- I couldn't smell your perfume on my clothes, I couldn't taste you anymore. I couldn't remember what you felt like and there were dark patches in your face that I couldn't recall. Slowly, piece by piece they were replaced, but by someone completely different"

"Lauren"

"Lauren" he affirmed quietly "But this time, there was no palpitating heart, no fizzling of nerves when we touched. My breathing didn't quicken when I saw her, I didn't smile every single time I thought of her. Sometimes I was truly caught off guard by the way I felt towards her. I mean I swore I would never love again and occasionally" he explained "it overwhelmed me how quickly I had fallen for someone new. Albeit a somewhat less than exciting someone new.

"With Lauren, everything was safe. I was safe. I walked my dog every morning, I took my wife out to dinner every week, I had a 9 to 5 job, I hung out with friends every Tuesday. My life was a routine... boring. There was no adrenaline, no surprises. I missed the life I had with you every day. I missed you everyday." She bit her lip, the urge to yell or cry out overpowering her.

"But the thing is Sydney," he spoke, his tone shifting slightly "I know me saying this isn't going to quench the cold fire you feel burning in you right now" he said, his voice dark and knowing "I know, regardless of what I tell you, there are things you still hate me for." She remained silent and still, not wanting to give any indication that he was once again right. "Why won't you tell me?" he asked quietly "Why do you lie here and let me go on- make me promise we won't fight when I know you're itching to lose control." His voice dropped to a whisper as he pressed his mouth to her ear. "Why won't you tell me how I hurt you?"

Guys I am so so so SO sorry about my MIAness... this may sound like I'm just hurling excuses but I have two jobs at the moment so life is a little crazy at the moment. Thank you for sticking with me and please don't give up on me or this fic- I'll never leave it I swear. I hope you enjoyed the update and thank you to those that pursue the status of RTF and remind me to update... you know who you are- thank you.

Love always and a million thanks, Danielle xxx