A/N: Here y'all go! Another chapter of my merry Christmas story with the title I wish I could change.
"Uh oh, bad news," Zelda said the next day after very cautiously opening the refrigerator. "There's no more food in here."
"Not…cool," Link said, still staring at their dictionary of American slang. "We should go buy stuff."
"Where do we go?"
"I dunno, somewhere that sells food, I guess."
"Um…where would that be?"
Link grinned. "Fortunately for us, Mido pointed out a nice little spot to me yesterday. It's called a 'grocery store,' and it sells food."
"Grocery?" Zelda asked, raising an eyebrow in question. "What in the name of igloos does grocery mean?"
"How should I know?" Link asked, shrugging.
"Well, it's just that you seemed to know everything," Zelda said in mocking sarcasm. "C'mon, let's go to this so-called grocery …thing."
"All right. It shouldn't take us too long, it's only down the street… you might want to change your clothes."
"Yes, thank you, I know," Zelda said spitefully, still in a set of heart-adorned pajamas that Malon had given her. "I'll be ready in just a second." She turned on her heel and walked into her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.
Rolling his eyes, Link closed the dictionary and stood up. He walked over to the television and sat down directly in front of it. Staring at the blank screen, he thought, What exactly does this do, again? I know Mido explained it to me… gah, why can't I remember? Link leaned closer and scanned the row of buttons that ran along the bottom. Volume, channel, power…? Hesitantly he pressed the power button lightly with his index finger.
"You slept with my boyfriend to hurt me on purpose!" one woman shouted from the TV screen.
"You don't deserve him!" another lady squawked.
"For years and years I've been your friend, and now THIS! YOU BACKSTABBING !!"
Link's eyes were wide open as the two (rather obese women) leapt at each other and tried to strangle the other. Several men came quickly to try and pull them apart, but they just kept screaming. Link wasn't entirely sure what they were saying, though, because some annoying beeping sound kept coming on.
"Link, what're you doing!" Zelda cried, zipping out of her bedroom and staring in horror at the sight before her. "What a disgusting program!"
"People…fighting…other people…laughing at them…?" Link said, paying Zelda no attention whatsoever. "I thought Mido said that television was for entertainment purposes…"
"Well, either Mido was wrong, or Americans have a sick sense of humor," Zelda said sharply. She sat down on the coffee table and shut off the TV. "Okay. Now that female sumo wrestling hour is over, why don't we go buy food?"
"Yeah, okay," Link said, numbly getting to his feet. "…what's sumo wrestling?"
"It's Japanese, or something," Zelda replied as they walked out the apartment door. "And in case you're wondering how I knew, it's because of something that happened about four or five months ago. Bernard and Naiye were fighting and they sort of started to thrash about on the floor, and then Mrs. Claus comes in and screams, 'Who do you boys think you are, Sumo wrestlers!' And of course no one in the room (including myself) had any idea what she was talking about. So she said Bernard and Naiye could avoid getting fired if they did extensive research on the art of sumo and told us all about it…"
"But why would Mrs. Claus know about something so violent?" Link asked.
"Beats me."
As they were walking along the street questioning the morals of Mrs. Claus, all was going quite well. That is, it was, until a certain little punk nearly ran over Zelda with his skateboard.
"Hey, stop where you are, punk!" Link said, excited to use what he'd chosen as the American vocabulary word of the day. The dude screeched to a halt and turned around. "You can't go around taking advantage of slow people like this girl here by trying to run them over!"
"WHO'S slow!" Zelda shouted, kicking him in the shin with her combat boots.
"OW!"
Link gritted his teeth and fell to the ground, clutching his leg. "What the… what are those things on your feet!"
"They're called COMBAT boots," Zelda said with an evil glint in her eye. "They go well with the camouflage shirt, don't they?"
"Yeah, pretty as a picture," Link muttered, using a tree for support as he helped himself back up. "Aw, man! You let that kid run away!"
"Perhaps if you'd chosen to do something constructive instead of insulting me, he wouldn't have!" Zelda retaliated. "Besides, I'm the one he nearly killed, why are you getting all steamed up about it?"
"Because I don't like rude people," Link lied.
"You are such a hypocrite!" Zelda said huffily, continuing to walk.
"Hey, hey, slow down! You don't even know where we're going!"
Realizing with annoyance that he had a point, Zelda slowed and waited for him to catch up. "Come on, old man, pick up the pace!... geez, we'll die of starvation by the time you get going!"
"Shut it," Link hissed between his teeth. They turned a corner and found themselves in front of a supermarket. "Ah, there now. Do I deliver, or do I deliver?"
"Mido delivers," Zelda answered. She let that sink in, then asked, "Okay, so, um… how do we get inside?"
"Well we use the door, smart one," Link said flatly.
"But…there are no doors. Just slidey things."
"Wow, you're actually right for once," Link commented, earning him a punch on the arm (ahh, but it was worth it). "But look how nonchalantly all those people are just walking in… is there some kind of code or something that we don't know about it?"
"What, a code to buy food?" Zelda asked. "That's stupid! It would be illegal, and besides, Malon or Mido would've told us about it…"
"Hey, look," Link said, watching a guy come out of the grocery store. "Is it just my imagination, or does that man look a little familiar to you?"
"Which man?" Zelda queried.
"The one wearing black…"
"Link, this is New York City. Everyone's wearing black."
He raised an eyebrow at her, then shook his head. "Look, that… that dude with the red hair."
"Oh, I see him now," Zelda said. She suddenly got very excited. "Yeah, I remember now! He's the person who helped us out when we first got here! With the traffic lights, remember? He saved us from getting run over by stupid, ugly vehicles by explaining the light system to us!"
"Ahh, that's it!" Link said, smiling jovially. "HEY! Do you think he knows how the door thing works?"
"Probably, seeing as how it looks like he's just come out of it," Zelda said. "Quick, let's catch up to him before he walks away! Um, excuse me sir!" she called out.
Every guy near them turned to look at her, including the red-headed one. "Yeah, you," Link said, pointing at him. The other gentlemen turned away.
"Um, I'm sorry, do I know you?" the red-headed guy asked.
"He forgot us!" Zelda said, pretending to be shocked. "You saved us the other day by explaining the light system."
"The…light…"
"You know, red means to walk, green means to stop?" Link prompted him.
The man stared at them. Then realization dawned on his face. "Oh! Oh, uh, yeah! I didn't recognize you, your clothing is normal …I mean, different. Do you need…help or something?"
"Yes, thank you so much for asking," Zelda said. "You know that uh, grocery store thing that you just came out of?"
"Yes…"
"How do you get inside?" Link asked.
"The door," the red-head said (ha! a rhyme) very slowly, wondering if this was all just a practical joke.
"Yeah, but it's an abnormal door," Zelda said, thinking the man would have known that. "I thought you would have known that." …
"Well, yeah, but it's not that hard to get in or anything," the red-head laughed, trying not to sound rude. "Look, you see all those people entering and exiting the store? They don't mind. You just walk up to the door and it'll open automatically for you."
"Wow, like magic!" Link breathed. "That's amazing!"
"Who would've guess that the states were so advanced in technology?" Zelda said in wonderment.
"Uh…you're not from around here, are you?" the guy asked them.
"Not really, no," Zelda replied. "We're from very far out of town."
"You could say that!" Link said. The two of them laughed uncomfortably.
"A heh heh…right," the man said, chuckling nervously. "Well, if you ever bump into me again and need to know something, don't hesitate to ask."
"Thank you, so much!" Zelda said cheerfully, the teeth in her smile giving off an almost-neon glow.
Wow. "Uh, here," the man said, fumbling in his coat pocket for a moment. He pulled out a small scrap of paper and a pen, and scribbled something down. "This is my phone number. If you ever need to… I mean, if you ever have any questions during your stay here, you can call me, okay?"
"Gee, uh, thanks," Zelda said, reaching for the slip of paper.
"Oh, wait, here's my cell phone number," the man said, quickly jotting that down as well. "You know, in case I'm not home."
"Er, right, of course," Zelda said, feigning comprehension and taking the paper. She put it in her back pocket then asked, "Hold on, you never told us your name, I'm afraid. What is it?"
"What? Oh, sorry! My name's Roy," the man said, holding out a hand for them both to formally shake (I'm sure most of you saw that coming).
"Right," Zelda said, staring at his hand. She was saved when Link reached over her shoulder and shook Roy's hand for her.
"Thanks for your help," Link said, squeezing Roy's hand rather painfully tight. "But we have to get going now. Bye!"
"Good-bye, Roy!" Zelda called to him as Link dragged her away. "Geez, what's up with you? That wasn't very polite. We didn't even tell him our names."
"Yeah, well I didn't like the way he was looking at y… us," Link grumbled. They slowly came towards the sliding doors, but stopped a small distance in front of them. "Say, what is a telephone, anyway?"
"I don't remember," Zelda responded. "What's a cell phone?"
"I dunno…"
"Oh, I remember!" Zelda said. "Isn't a telephone what you put food in? As in I opened the telephone this morning and found that there was no food?"
"Yeah, that's it!" Link said. "So I wonder what a cell one would be…"
"I have no idea."
"Would you people MOVE already!" barked an impatient woman with five kids behind them. She shoved them forward, towards the sliding doors.
"AAAAAGH, NOOOOO!" they cried, holding up their arms to shield themselves from the inevitable crash. But to their immense shock, they just kept walking. They opened their eyes and realized that they were inside the store.
"Wow, just like Roy said!" Zelda exclaimed in awe, staring at the pair of sliding doors with fascination.
"Yeah, come on, let's start getting things already."
Meanwhile, in the North Pole
"Santa, quick!" Malon shouted, making a melodramatic entrance into his private office. "Turn on your satellite thingy-ma-bobber!"
"Malon, what's the idea of bursting in here?" Santa asked, lowering his glasses. "This is my private office!"
"We know, Sir, but this is an emergency!" Mido huffed between breaths, straggling in. "It's Link and Zelda!"
"Oh!" Santa rolled over to a large keyboard and hit a few buttons. A picture of an empty apartment showed up on a large screen.
"They're not home!" Malon screamed. "Isn't that BAD!"
"Not necessarily," Santa grumbled. "I thought you two had something important about them to show me!"
"Well…isn't it important that they could be lost somewhere out in the streets of the city?" Mido asked.
"Malon, did you give Zelda that phone like I asked you to?" Santa asked sternly, pointing a finger at the girl.
"Yeah, I slipped it into her coat pocket."
"Does she know it's there?"
"Um, well I didn't tell her about it, if that's what you mean."
Santa sighed heavily. "I am surrounded by reindeer turds," he muttered under his breath.
"What was that, sir?" Mido asked, having not quite caught it.
"Nothing, nothing," Santa said, waving his hand dismissively. He sighed again, then tossed a phone at Malon. "Call Zelda; I guess she'll just have to find out about her phone the hard way."
"Whatever you say, boss."
So meanwhile-
"Wait…is salted better than no salt AND better than extra salty?" Zelda asked Link. "Or would extra salty be better due to the extra salt?"
"I don't know, what does salt taste like, exactly?" Link asked.
"I'm not sure, it's just one of those things I heard about," Zelda said. "The only thing I really know about it sugar."
"Uh-huh…."
Both of them jumped when a shrill ringing sound came out of no where. They looked around in terror, trying to locate where it was coming from.
"What IS that?" Zelda asked.
"It sounds like it's coming from you," Link said shakily.
"Hey, you're right!" Zelda gasped. "What is it, a time bomb or something!"
"I don't know, just find out what it is!"
"Oh, it's coming from my coat…pocket," Zelda said, reaching into the pocket and indeed pulling out a small cell phone. "What… what the heck is this?"
"It could be some kind of weapon," Link said, furrowing his brow very seriously. "I'll bet that Roy character planted it on you! I knew he looked suspicious!"
"Wait a second, look," Zelda said. She pointed to a small sticker on the front. "That's a winking snowman, it's Santa's trademark. It must be something from him! But what is it?"
"Open it like this," Link said, tentatively flipping it open.
"HELLO!" Malon shouted loudly.
Zelda jumped. "H-hello?" she said timidly into the phone.
"ZELDA? IT'S MALON. PUT THE THING BY YOUR EAR… AND PUT THE BOTTOM PART OF IT BY YOUR MOUTH," Malon instructed her.
It took a minute for Zelda to figure that out and once she did, she said, "Oh, hi, Malon? Wow, how neat! What do you call this communicating device?"
"It's called a cell phone," Malon answered.
"Oh! This is a cell phone? I thought phones were what you put food in," Zelda laughed, winking at Link and pointing to the phone as if saying, "get a load of this."
"Uh, no, that would be a refrigerator," Malon said.
"Oh, yeah!"
"Stop talking about electronical instruments and their functions!" Santa whispered to her. "Ask where they are!"
"Oh, right you are, sir," Malon said.
"Did you just call me sir?" Zelda asked.
"What? Oh, no, I wasn't talking to… oh, never mind. The big man on top wants to know where you guys are."
"We're at the grocery store," Zelda told her. "It's around the corner from our apartment, so don't worry."
"Phew!" Malon sighed. "Look, Mido and I meant to show you guys how to transport yourselves around the city, but we kind of forgot. So once you're done at the grocery store, go back to the apartment for six days."
"You want us to spend six days in a small apartment together!" Zelda squeaked.
"Oh, hold on," Malon said. "Santa says it's okay if Mido and I come down in two days to show you guys how to get around. Is that okay?"
"Um… I guess so…."
"All right then, 'til two days from now!" Malon said cheerfully. She hung up without informing Zelda how to do the same.
"Uh…hello?" Zelda said into her phone. "Malon? Are you there?"
"Shut it," Link said.
"I wasn't talking to you, Link!" Zelda snapped at him.
He sighed. "I didn't mean your mouth when I said 'it,' I meant the phone."
"Oh," she said awkwardly, closing the cell phone gently. "Well, what a handy little thing." She put it back into her jacket. "Okay! Let's go find where they sell the candy canes."
A/N: The end! Of this chapter, anyway. Hope that was sufficient, so just sit tight until I manage to update again! XD
Sesshomaru: You're not very polite, are you? Three words: writer's block. School. Hopefully you've heard of them. I take it that you're not an author yourself, seeing as how you're an anonymous reviewer. Therefore I'd appreciate it if you didn't parade around discussing things you don't know anything about, like updating. If you want an author to keep writing something, calling them lazy isn't something I'd suggest.
Bridget: , Thanks a bunch for your review! You rock.
Moonbeam: I'm glad that you're "obsessed" with my stories, but I can't help it if I don't have a computer with me everywhere I go! (go down further for another comment about you. Yes, you have two)
ChaosRealms: Thanks so much! It's nice to get such a flattering review from a fellow author. What you said was really nice; soon I'll read your story and review it for you! (I respect what you said about flames and inviting them openly. I could never do that! (maybe it's a girl thing). Hey, our birthdays are really close! D
The Sagittarius Sage: Ha, ha, yeah. Fighting over French fries has been a life-long battle between my brother and I whenever somebody gets fast food! dressing up link and Zelda was fun! Heh, heh! Thanks for the review (as always)!
POo PoO: So flattering to get a review from somebody with such an esteemed name. LOL, no offense—it's great. Dude, thanks for the thumbs up! People don't usually give me those (especially online). I love getting responses from people like you!
Black Emerald Dawn: I'm on your favorite author's list? YAY! D That really makes my day! You rock, too!
Blahgirl: Can't wait? You mean for an update? Thanks a mil, kid! By the way, are you the one writing that Wicked story? Blahgirl65? If so, you RULE! If not, you STILL rule! Thank you so much for your inspiring review(s)!
DLandZel: Sizzling, eh? That's not an adjective I usually hear, so thanks, homie! But, uh… Big L? Hot Pink? What?
Moonbeam (again): You know…you should become a member of this sight so this way you'll only be restricted to one review a chapter! Although this one was actually okay, because it didn't insult me. See what a nice reviewer you can be?
Becca: Glad you liked that chapter! Yeah, Link is so gangsta! (I re-used the idea from one of my other stories…) Thanks so much for all your great reviews!
FrizzMedusa: Ha, ha, thanks! I actually heard one of my friends say "fo-shnizzle" and I laughed for hours. She wasn't being serious, of course, so it was funny. Where would the world be without slang? XD Thanks!
Bionicleguy: Awww, thanks so much! I try really hard to write good comedy, and it's good to know that at least one person out there appreciates it! You are VERY cool, and I love your reviews! Thanks for taking the time!
Devil Seifer: Yeah, I know Mido and Malon sounds kind of weird, but they had to be together. Unless of course I made an even bigger twist and put the two red-heads together! (laughs evilly) Well, I've updated now, so you can't hunt me down! (laughs evilly again). Thanks for your great reviews!
Kenshinlink42889: Wow, thanks SO MUCH! I'm really happy when people say stuff like that! But yeah, I know, I'm a lousy updater! You might have been able to tell that by a lot of these reviews… anyway, I hope we can talk online again soon!
Tri: Yes, another romance! The two M's! Heh, heh, heh! Yes, Link's going to keep talking American, as you may have noticed in this chapter (it makes him feel special). I'm happy to hear you think this is funny!
Some Say The World Will END: Merci for the review! I know, sad this won't be done before Christmas…. If I really wanted to, I could drag it out that long, but a lot of people would kill me if I did that! I started this around Christmas, though…
Tessyboos: Yay, all caps! Nice review, as usual, Tess. "Maybe" you'll update? Is that code for never? LOL, just joshing with you. Hey, I hope we can talk on AIM again soon! Miss ya!
Ryu the Dragon Master: I'm glad you feel appreciated, because that's how I feel when I get so many glowing reviews! Malon's so cool. And yes, Zelda can say anything in the world she wants!
Zelda's baby girl: Phew! Good to hear you're not going to try to kill me anymore! LOL thanks. Not used to the ghetto talk, huh? I guess I just hang out with some of my gangster friends too much! Your reviews rock the earth, baby girl! Thanks!
Zeldaisthebest: Great is what your review is! Muchos gracias!
Exiled Desert Goddess: Wow, omg, thanks so much! What you said in your review was SO nice! Hee hee, I got put on your favorites list! YAY! You are a very cool person, and I'm glad you think I make stories with the right formula! Do you write? If so, I'll have to try and check one out soon!
Hylian Princess: Link being gangster turned out to be popular! I'm really glad that you liked it! Yeah, Malon can be evil sometimes in our imaginations, ha, ha!
oOoDancingQueenoOo: lol, thanks, home dog!
Chris-Halliwell: I'll try and update as much as I possibly can! The unexpected romance was going to be between link and Zelda (hence the "lol" or whatever in the description, because I thought it was obvious they'd eventually hook up), but now that I think about it, that goes for Malon and Mido, too! Thanks so much for your thoughtful response!
Linkmaster27: My fic rocks? Oh my good golly gosh, thanks! So does your review!