The Collective Years
5: Doubts
PhDelicious

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

A/N: This is dedicated to Bookworm37 who has to be the conscientious reviewer ever, and SpaceMonkey67 who took the time to go back and review chapters just to up my numbers. And to the little voice in the back of my head that keeps writing this every day as I walk to and from work. Thanks.

Sam

Samantha Carter sat on the ratty old couch in the basement of the Swim House lost in thought, twisting her Claddagh ring around on her finger. All around her was noise and revelry as the swimmers celebrated the end of their season. Championships had ended earlier that evening and now everyone was happy and relaxed on a nice alcohol buzz. Sam should have been partying right along with them. She'd swum two personal bests and her 800-free relay team had placed 3rd. Instead of being proud of her work Sam was pissed at herself. Not because of the swimming but because of something much more personal.

I can't believe I cried myself to sleep last night. God, that's so pathetic! I'm stronger than this…than breaking down because Jack wasn't here. It's good thing I wasn't swimming today. It would've been a disaster! I hope he's okay. I haven't heard from him in two months. Something must be wrong…I mean last year he was out of the country and he answered his emails every few days. Oh God! I hope he's okay. I can't believe he's not here! If he was okay he'd be here!

Her reverie was broken when someone flopped down next to her. Sam nodded briefly to the person without even a glance to ascertain their identity. Her hope that whoever it was would just allow her to ignore them was shattered when he spoke in a soft, slightly twangy voice.

"Hi I'm John. You're Sam Carter right?"

John? Why is this guy introducing himself to me? I should already know everyone here.

Now Sam turned to look at the guy next to her. He seemed tall, though it was hard to tell since they were sitting down, with a shock of red hair and green eyes. He looked vaguely familiar. He'd been around throughout the meet, mixing with parents, and on deck talking to Coach. Now that she thought about it he'd been timing in the lane next to her last night.

"Oh…hi…you're here about the assistant coaching job right? I'm sure you'd be great."

"I'm just glad Coach gave me the chance. I don't have much experience."

"It's a good place to be. I'll miss it next year."

"You're a senior?"

"Yep."

"Job?"

"Grad school."

"Ah….Masters?"

"PhD…theoretical astrophysics…Stanford."

"Wow!"

Sam smiled and turned away from John back to her thoughts. Usually the mention of her intended discipline shocked people enough to bring whatever conversation they were having to a screeching halt. John surprised her.

"That's an unusual choice. Do you want to be a professor?"

"Not really. I wouldn't mind the research, that's what I want to do, but I don't think I'd make a good teacher. Actually I'd really love to be an astronaut. Actually get out there… up to the stars."

Sam's eyes lit up as she talked about her dreams.

"Lofty goals."

Sam grinned. Maybe it was the alcohol she'd drunk earlier or maybe it was the fact that Jack's abandonment had left her feeling lonely, but she was finding John very easy to talk to.

"So you can smile. Do you laugh too?"

"Huh?"

"Well you looked so sad earlier, sitting here by yourself, oblivious to your teammates. And if I'm not mistaken you were fiddling with a ring?"

Shit! I don't want to talk about this. Who does he think he is? I barely even know him.

"My boyfriend gave it to me three years ago."

"Ah…I'm sorry…sore subject huh?"

"He's in the Air Force and I haven't heard from him in two months. I'm starting to get worried. He would have been here if he could, or at least that's what I keep telling myself."

Sam stopped talking and turned away from John again, swiping at the tears that had begun to trail down her cheeks.

"He must be a great guy to have someone like you. I'm sure he'd be here if he could. But you look like you'd rather be home. Come on I'll walk ya."

John put an arm around Sam's shoulder and squeezed. Then he stood, grabbed her hands and pulled her from the couch. He had her maneuvered up the steep basement stairs before she'd snapped out of her thoughts enough to comment.

"I'm not sure Coach would be too happy if he heard that his new assistant was leaving parties with his swimmers."

"Haven't got the job yet. If he asks I'll tell him the truth…I just don't have the self-control to resist a beautiful woman in distress."

He winked roguishly at Sam causing a small smile to break through the tears.

"Like… he'd buy… that one."

Sam replied stumbling over some hiccups.

"You bet he would, 'specially after I told him who the particular beauty was."

"Nah, he'd just be disappointed in me. Coach liked Jack."

"Jack huh?"

"Yep. Jonathan 'Jack' O'Neill, with two L's. God I miss him!"

Silence fell and Sam and John paused to cross the street and head back towards campus.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to dump all this on you. I barely even know you and here I am rambling about my boyfriend who's God only knows where, doing God only knows what and with whom. I'm sure you're completely uninterested."

"Actually I'm fascinated. Have you known him long?"

"Seems like my whole life. …Anyways, this is me. It was nice meeting you John. I'm sorry I won't be around next year to get to know you better."

Sam stopped in front of a small white house with green shutters and a small square front vestibule instead of a porch.

"Actually…"

Please don't ask to come in. I can't do this…I need to cry…I need to be alone. I can't even think about…

"Could I use your bathroom? I think my beers have cycled through."

Sam stepped up onto the front stoop and turned to face John positioning herself so that he had to look up at her. After staring him down for a few moments she relented.

He looks honest. If Coach trusts him he can't be too bad. And I know how to defend myself if necessary. All right…

"Fine, but just the bathroom and then you're out. I'm sorry if I led you on, but now is really not a good time. And until I know about Jack I just can't even…"

"It's okay Sam. I wasn't asking for anything else."

Sam pulled open the vestibule door and led John inside to the hallway where there were two doors on the first floor and a stairwell to two more apartments on the second floor. Taking her keys from her pocket Sam unlocked the door to their right and walked into her living room.

"Bathroom's the first door on the right, just past the kitchen. Second's my roommate Joline's but she's staying with her boyfriend tonight so don't worry about bothering her."

"Nice place you've got here. I like the homey touches."

John gestured to the sheer curtains covering the windows and the knick-knacks strewn across the top of the TV, as he wandered down the short hall. Sam collapsed onto one of the couches.

"Thanks. It's small, but we like it. Lived here for two years now. Moving's going to suck!"

I should drink some water before I go to sleep.

Sam pushed herself back up and headed to the kitchen, snagging a mug from the coffee table on her way. She'd just put the pitcher back in the fridge when the toilet flushed. Sighing Sam moved back to the main room. This time she sat on the other couch with her back to the hallway, facing the door. John's voice floated from the direction of the bathroom.

"Hey…thanks for letting me use the facilities. Not many people would have been as nice."

"Don't be silly Jack…you're more than welcome to use the bathroom while you're here, dumbass."

Jack! Jack! Oh no! Either I'm hallucinating or I just called another man…Shit!

"Shit! John I'm so sorry. It's just that…"

"Don't worry about it Samantha."

Holy SHIT! That is so Jack's voice! I must be dreaming.

"Ouch!"

"Ouch?"

The voice was much closer now and all traces of twang were gone.

"Yeah! Ouch! I just pinched myself to see if I was dreaming and it hurt so I can't be. Jack? Is that really you?"

This time the voice came from right behind, whispering over her ear.

"Yes baby it's me."

Jack

He hadn't expected her to move so quickly. After all she'd been upset and lethargic all night and it'd been a long weekend. But there she was, up off the couch and pushing him up against the wall before he'd had time to react.

So much for all that training.

"You son of a bitch! What the Hell is going on here! Did you enjoy playing with me? Damn it Jack! Was this some kind of test? Do you trust me that little?"

The pressure on Jack's shoulders eased as Sam slumped down onto the arm of the couch. Jack moved to crouch down in front of her.

Crap! Not really the reaction I was expecting. Time to apologize…

"Yes it was a test, but not for you. I should explain…how bout we get you a little more comfortable."

Jack tugged lightly on Sam's arms trying to get her to stand so he could move them onto a couch, but instead of standing Sam slid backwards over the arm of the couch with an exasperated sigh and flopped on her back staring up at the ceiling. Jack stepped around the couch, lifted Sam and quickly moved so that he was sitting on the couch with her head in his lap. He stroked her hair idly.

"I'm sorry Samantha. I didn't think it would hurt this much."

"You said it was a test?"

Jack sighed.

"I'm not sure I should be telling you this, but here goes. Remember how I told you that my CO was talking about sending me to Special Forces after my tour last year?"

Sam nodded.

"Well three months ago the paperwork came through. The conditional transfer orders included a letter telling me to be ready the next morning at 04:30 and gave a list of things to pack, the makings of a small survival kit. That morning I was ready to go on time and I answered the door with my pack on, probably a good thing, because the next thing I remember is waking up in the belly of a plane with a 'chute strapped on and the guy next to me saying, 'you have 72 hours' before pushing me out the back."

Sam made a small noise of protest as Jack's fingers tightened in her hair before he continued.

"Luckily I was awake enough to remember to pull the 'chute they'd been kind enough to strap on over my pack. I landed in the middle of a tree in the middle of some forest with no idea how long I'd been out and wondering '72 hours to do what?'."

"So what'd you do?"

"Decided I probably shouldn't still be in the same spot in 72 hours and started walking…south according to my compass. Then I found a stream and decided to follow it instead. I spent the next 72 hours walking downstream, drinking stream water, and eating powerbars and the one fish I managed to catch with my hat."

Sam giggled at that image.

I'm glad she thinks it's funny. At the time it was mostly frustrating!

"I got more and more paranoid as the time limit approached but it wasn't enough to save me. It was actually a couple hours past that I turned around to investigate a noise and everything went black again. This time I woke up in a holding cell. Moments later I had to snap to attention as a General entered the room and began haranguing me. I chose the wrong direction. I left a trail noticeable from outer space. I was so noisy a deaf person could have located me, and so on. Apparently despite all that I'd eluded capture longer than any of the other recruits he'd tested over the past month, which meant I was in. I was given a week to tie up my current projects and get together everything I thought I'd need for two months."

Jack paused to drink from Sam's water glass.

"So that explains why I haven't heard from you in two months but it doesn't explain why you didn't tell me earlier or what's been going on this weekend."

"It's a little complicated and I know I'm exhausted right now and you're probably worse off than I am. Could we just…leave this for now…I'm not avoiding it. I promise…I just need some sleep first…?"

He watched nervously as Sam considered. He saw his answer in her eyes before she spoke.

"All right, bed time it is."

Thank God! I think I would've fallen asleep on her soon anyways. Maintaining cover for so long is exhausting…it's not so much the cover as the anxiety.

Sam rolled to sit besides Jack and then stood, bringing him with her. She looped his arms around her waist and shuffled them towards her bedroom.

Sweet!

oOo

Sam

Two factors had combined to pull Sam from sleep. She was suffocatingly hot and she really, really needed to pee.

It's cold out. I never wake up this hot when it's cold out. What's going on?

Sam tried to roll onto her back from her position lying on her left side facing the wall, to get out of bed and head to the bathroom only to smack into Jack who was spooned up behind her.

Oh…right. It's been a while. I'd almost forgotten…Now, how to get to the bathroom…maybe if I…

Sam switched directions and rolled onto her stomach then twisted onto her right side. Jack had followed her, rolling onto his own stomach as she'd moved from him.

Aw…so cute. All I have to do now is…

Sam reached across Jack and planted her palm and foot on the thin sliver of mattress on the far side of him, raising herself on all fours above him. Jack slept on unmoving. Sam shifted her weight and moved to lie along the outside of the bed briefly before sliding out of her bed. She smiled to herself as she left Jack sleeping soundly in her bed. The red wig and contacts case she found in the bathroom dampened her mood considerably. She set them on the bed-side table as she perched on the edge of the bed.

"Jack…Jack."

"Mrmph"

"Come on, time to wake up sleepy head."

"Wha'time s'it?"

Jack mumbled into the pillow.

"9:30."

"s'Sunday."

"We need to talk Jack. Up now."

Jack turned his head from the pillow and opened one eye to glare at Sam. He must have decided that she was serious because he sighed and pushed himself up, swinging around to sit with his back resting against the wall.

"C'mere."

Jack patted the bed next to him.

It can't hurt and it's cold out here without him.

Sam climbed up alongside Jack. He put an arm around her shoulders tucking her closely alongside him. With his other hand Jack linked his fingers with Sam's.

"So…"

Jack's grip tightened momentarily.

"It was our final test. To spend 48 hours around our family without breaking cover. Guru, that was our instructor's code name, told us that if we could change ourselves so as to be unrecognizable to those that know us best then we would be able to maintain cover around people who only knew us as our cover. He gave us a week. I took the first few days to set up everything with Coach. Guru said we'd be watched the entire time, that he would know if we failed. I haven't been able spot my tail though."

"Maybe he had someone set up ahead of time. Does Coach know the truth?"

"Nope, gave him a phony resume. You think he knew I'd come here?"

"Wouldn't he if he was doing his job right?"

Jack turned and placed a quick kiss on Sam's forehead.

"You're brilliant! Who do you think it was?"

"Well one of the guys …I think his father's in the Air Force…Harriman."

"Do you know what rank or where he works?"

"You mean there's a parent out there you didn't meet this weekend?"

"Maybe he avoided me. I can't wait to see Guru's face if we're right."

Jack settled back against the wall, a huge grin on his face as he imagined getting one up on his trainer.

Jack

He probably wants us to figure it out. I bet the people who don't won't pass. Shit…I'm going to make Special Forces! I can do this! But can Samantha? Can I ask her to?

Jack's expression fell and he let go of Sam's hand to push back his hair in frustration.

"Jack?"

"If I do this, accept this posting …I'm not sure I can ask you to do this with me."

"Jack?"

He could tell she was starting to get a little worried by the tone of her voice.

"It's going to be like the past few months over and over again. Never knowing when I'll be able to see you, talk to you, or even return your emails. And I'll never be able to tell you where I've been or what I've been doing. It's not fair to you."

"Jack… Don't do this. Don't talk yourself into believing this."

She was starting to panic. Her voice wavering. Jack could feel the tension in the room growing. But he couldn't stop. He had to explain.

"God…Sam…you were so upset last night and it's only going to get worse if I do this. I can't be out there worrying about you, wondering if this'll be the time that you won't forgive me for leaving you alone. It's not fair for me to do this to you…to expect you to wait for me…"

He couldn't look at her. Didn't want to know what he was doing to her. Didn't want her to know what she was doing to him.

"It's better to do this now, at the beginning, when we can both still survive it…"

"At the Beginning! What planet are you living on Jack O'Neill that you call eleven years the beginning!"

Utoh! She's yelling now. Yelling's bad! Yelling means she's going to fight me, and I'm not going to be able to say no to her. God help me…I'm not going to be able to do this if she fights me. Probably cause you don't really want to do it in the first place, Idiot!

Sam had moved from beside him to in front of him as she yelled. Now her hands gripped his shoulders pinning him to the wall. Jack's face was still turned away. Sam's voice lowered to a growl.

"Look at me Jack."

When he didn't respond she shook him once and injected a note of command into her next words.

"Face front O'Neill!"

This time he responded to the order instinctively.

"Now listen to me…really listen…I am NOT going to let you spoil a perfectly good weekend with a breakup routine. This is a guilt free zone and I am not going anywhere!"

"But…"

"No buts mister. Do you think I'll worry about you any less if we're not together? Every time you leave my side I worry about you. Tearing yourself from my life will not stop that pain. All it will do is keep me from being able to reassure myself that you're okay every time you come home. I am not going to let you throw away the best thing in your life out of some misguided sense of honor!"

Sam was flushed with anger and breathing hard and her words were finally starting to get through Jack's thick skull.

Sam…

"No matter where you go…no matter what you do…I will always be here when you come home Jack…Always. Now stop being an idiot and start making up for lost time."

Sam leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.

Wha…

She took advantage of Jack's slack jawed shock to plunge her tongue into his mouth. Their tongues tangled together and his was drawn into her mouth as she retreated.

Do something Jack! Move it! Samantha's kissing you…at least try to pre-tend to be interested...

Snapping out of his funk, Jack took control. His hands slid up her sides until his thumbs sat just below her breasts. He squeezed lightly and ran his thumbs over the peaks before shifting so that Sam was lying underneath him, both of them upside down on the bed. Jack groaned as he broke their kiss to pull back and look at her. His gaze moved slowly across her face and one set of fingers followed as if he was memorizing the shapes and textures. When he'd had his fill his eyes returned to her.

"I love you Samantha Carter."

His kiss was hard and quick.

"I love you too Jack, but could you get your feet off my pillow? I have to sleep with it again you know."

Jack couldn't help it he dropped his forehead to hers and began to laugh and laugh. After a moment Sam joined him and they laughed together until all the tension is the air had dissolved and Jack's sides were so cramped he could no longer breathe. When he was finally managed to draw in enough air to speak his words came out in a whisper.

"Thank you…for keeping me from making the worst mistake of my life. I don't even want to imagine my life without you."

"I meant what I said Jack. Always."

A/N: Best lines of tonight's episode… Barrett: "So you're single again?" Sam: "Not exactly." Be still my little shipper heart! So worth the lack of Vala's delicious humor and tension with Daniel. Sweet! Now on a different note…I spent my break between writing drafts of a 30 page proposal to write this so show a little appreciation and leave me some love please.