The Collective Years
9: Remembering
PhDelicious
Disclaimer: Still not mine.
A/N: To those of you who are incredibly optimistic…Sorry! I have a very Matrix opinion on AUs and peoples' abilities to truly inhabit perfect realities, hence all the messy depressingness of this fic.
Sam
Damn, I'm going to be late. I knew I shouldn't have had lunch with Joe. I always end up loosing track of time when I'm with him, but being late to the first meeting of the year is not good. Oh well, it's only a few minutes.
Sam pushed open the building's door and quickly walked down the hallway. The class room door was open and she could hear the Star Gazers Committee Chair's voice floating towards her.
"Welcome back everyone, since we're mostly all here I'd like to start by introducing our new Air Force liaison and interim facility director, Colonel Jonathan O'Neill."
Sam froze at the name.
You've got to be kidding me! Okay, just relax. It could just be a coincidence, a completely different O'Neill.
"Colonel O'Neill is on loan to us here at the University of Colorado from Peterson AFB for six months. Hopefully we'll be able to convince him to stick around after that."
All right Samantha…suck it up and walk in there. Standing out here is not going to resolve anything.
As she turned the corner and entered the room, a familiar voice issued from the man facing away from her.
"Thank you Dr. Duncan, and please call me Jack. I look forward to getting to know you all."
Oh SHIT! I can't…
Sam's knees started to buckle and she grabbed the door frame. She started to back out but Davis noticed her.
"Ah, Samantha, nice of you to join us."
"Knock it off Davis. Have a good lunch with Joe, Sam?"
Rosa was the only other woman on the SGC and she'd become part of Sam's small circle of friends. Sam was stuck. She pushed off the wall and stepped forward as Jack twisted in his seat to see the cause of the commotion. Sam steeled herself and pasted a neutral smile on her face as she met his gaze.
"Hi Jack. I'm Samantha Carter."
She held out her hand for him to shake.
Jack
He'd known that she worked at the University and that she was a member of this committee. It was one of the main reasons he'd agreed to this particular assignment. He'd expected her to be at the meeting, but when she hadn't been there when he first arrived he'd been somewhat relieved. Now as he turned to her he was shocked. Knowing and expecting were vastly different from the reality he now faced. Her soft blonde hair had been cut to fall teasingly around her face and down to her shoulders. The stylish grey slacks and pale blue blouse showed off her sleek, athletic figure.
She's only gotten more beautiful. I can't believe I stayed away for so long. I am an IDIOT!
"Hi Jack. I'm Samantha Carter."
Whaat! Of course you are. Who else would you be? Why else would I be here?
Belatedly Jack took the hand she held out to him, but instead of shaking it he lifted it and placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand.
"Enchanted."
The hand in his grasp twitched and jerked away, recoiling at his touch.
What have I done?
Jack could only watch as Sam moved around the table and sat as far away from him as possible. He couldn't hear what Rosa said to her, but Sam rolled her eyes and sighed. She ran her hands down her face, took a deep breath and brought her focus back to the meeting. Davis Duncan nodded and began the remainder of the meeting.
The meeting had taken a little less than half an hour. Shuffling papers, everyone rose from their seats at the table and began milling around. Eight of the committee members surrounded Jack, eager to greet him. The ninth, Davis, was patiently waiting to take him to his new office. The tenth was running out of the room as quickly as he'd left her life years ago.
"Excuse me. I'll be right back."
Jack extricated himself from the cluster of faculty and fellow stargazers to follow Sam out into the hallway.
"Samantha…Wait!"
She ignored him and kept walking away. Jack quickened his step to reach her just before she got to the door. He grabbed her arm and tugged so that she spun to face him. Her gaze snapped to his and her eyes flashed as she pulled her arm free.
"What!"
Jack flinched at the venom in her voice.
"Samantha, I… Why did you introduce yourself like we've never met before?"
"Because we haven't."
"Huh?"
One of Sam's hands rose to worry the thin gold chain around her neck.
"Jack…I haven't seen or heard from you since you walked out in the middle of Charlie's wake. I don't know you anymore. The man I knew would never have abandoned his family like that."
"I couldn't stay there."
"So you disappeared for more than five years? You know what…never mind. I don't know why you left. And I don't want to know why you're back. Just leave me alone. I've been content here. I'm not going to let you screw this up!"
"Just give me a chance to…"
"You had your chance Jack. You left me. You left Charlie. From here on out we haven't met before. It was nice to meet you Colonel O'Neill. I hope you enjoy your time here Sir."
Sam spun back away from Jack and pushed agitatedly at the heavy door. It groaned open and Jack could only watch as she slipped out of his life. For minutes after she left the building he did nothing but stare at the door.
Well that went well. What did you expect? That she'd just jump back into your arms? What now? How do I start getting her back?
"Colonel O'Neill? Are you ready to take the trip over to the observatory? We'll get you set up in your new office."
Jack took a deep breath and turned back to Davis with his game face in place.
Sam
I can't stay here. I'm gonna loose it and there's no place on campus I can do that.
Sam wiped away the tears that had begun to form at the corners of her eyes and walked to her car as quickly as she could without attracting attention. She nearly broke down at her car but she managed to hold herself together long enough to climb inside. By the time she'd pulled out of her parking space and started towards her place tears were trailing down her cheeks. The drive to her house was short, no more than ten minutes, but Sam could barely see as she parked the car in her driveway. She yanked her purse from the seat next to her, slammed the car door and stormed up her front walk. Inside, she tossed her purse on its usual table and promptly collapsed onto her couch sobbing, finally allowing her emotions voice.
How dare he? Did he really think that I would just fall back into his arms? I have a life now. He chose not to be a part of it. Why does this hurt so much?
Sam yanked on the long necklace she always wore, pulling it from beneath her shirt. Silently she stared at the two rings it held and remembered.
oOo
Sam had driven down for the weekend to visit Jack and Charlie and to welcome Janet and Daniel back from their honeymoon.
I can't believe they waited so long to get married. Six years, for cryin out loud! Thank you Jack.
From what Janet had told Sam, since they'd been reunited, the timing had just never been right. Between their schooling and Daniel's gallivanting around the world on various digs neither of them had had the time or inclination to plan a wedding. On the night of her bachelorette party Janet had confessed that seeing Jack after his rescue had finally driven home the point that life was too short to waste and motivated her to start planning. The actual wedding had been a small affair, thrown together within two months and for their honeymoon Daniel had taken Janet to see some of the place he'd worked over the years.
I can't wait to see their pictures and hear Jan's stories.
She should have known something was up when Jack had told her that instead of getting together with their friends the first day of her visit Daniel and Janet had agreed to watch Charlie so the two of them could go out alone. They'd driven out to Agua Dulce and take a short stroll around Vasquez Rocks Park. Then Jack had pulled a bag of clothes out of the trunk and sent her off to the bathroom to change. Inside she'd been surprised to find a halter top cocktail dress in pale pink silk that was brand new and fit her perfectly. Jack had even remembered to pack appropriate underwear and shoes.
I bet Janet was in on this.
She'd emerged from the bathroom to find Jack waiting for her next to the car dressed in a suit. From there Jack had driven them to small French restaurant where he'd reserved a table and pre-ordered dinner. If it had been anybody else she would have seen it coming from a mile away, but it had been so traditional.
What on earth is he up to? Is he going to propose? Nah, he wouldn't do something this cliché…
"Samantha?"
Jack's quiet question had interrupted Sam's scattered thoughts as she studied the romantic atmosphere.
"Yes Jack?"
"There's something I need to ask you…"
Jack slid from his seat and knelt on the floor in front of her.
Oh God! He IS going to propose isn't he?
"Samantha…you've seen me at my best and my worst…and you've stood by me through all of it…I don't know how to live my life without you anymore and I don't want to ever have to. Samantha Carter will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
Jack pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and opened it before turning it towards her.
It's beautiful.
Sam was captivated by the play of light across the diamond's surface and she reached a hand out to pluck the ring from its cushion. She held it in front of her, twisting it in the light.
"Samantha?"
Oh, right!
"Yes Jack."
"Is that a yes?"
"Yes Jack."
Sam smiled indulgently and slipped the ring onto her finger to join her Claddagh ring. She slid from her own seat to kneel mirroring him on the floor, and then she used her hands to frame his face and kissed him passionately. The smattering of applause from fellow patrons and the staff brought Sam back to reality. She smiled sheepishly at the crowd, rose and led Jack from the restaurant. Upon returning to Jack's place they took full advantage of the fact that Charlie wasn't home.
oOo
Jack had decided, when he couldn't get a hold of Sarah, to hold Charlie's funeral back on the east coast so that he could be buried in the O'Neill family plot. Janet had taken care of all the arrangements for transporting Charlie's body and Jack's parents had taken care of everything else. So now they were sitting in the O'Neill's living room the night before Charlie's funeral, surrounded by people. Jack hadn't spoken since signing the papers to have his son taken off the respirator, effectively ending Charlie's life. So Sam wasn't surprised that he was silent, even here, surrounded by friends and family.
"Can I get you anything?"
Mark dropped a hand on Sam's shoulder, and pulled her gaze away from Jack who sat alone in a corner. Sam turned and smiled weakly at her brother.
"No, thanks."
"Is everything okay Sam?"
"Honestly? No. But hopefully it will be, some day."
Mark kissed her lightly on the forehead and then went to join Catherine, who was sitting with Daniel and Janet. Sam moved from the wall she'd been leaning on and began to walk across the room to Jack. She was briefly waylaid by her parents and then the O'Neills.
"Excuse me, there's something I have to do."
Sam cut Mr. O'Neill off in the middle of his sentence.
I have to get to Jack. He looks like he's going to bolt. Come on baby; just hang in there a little bit longer. Then all these people will go home and you can pass out until tomorrow.
As she approached Jack, Sam examined him more closely than she'd allowed herself to for most of the evening. Every muscle in his body was tense and he was scanning the small room as if expecting to be attacked. He held a half full rocks glass.
Probably Scotch, and I haven't seen him eat anything since lunch, this can't be good.
Sam lifted the glass from Jack's hand and took a small sip. Shuddering at the bite of the alcohol she set the glass aside and twined her fingers with Jack's. Sam gave a slight tug and headed for the back door. Jack trailed docilely behind her. Their route took them past the pantry where Sam snagged a box of Fruit Loops before they gained the deck. Sam pushed Jack into one of the chairs.
"Eat"
She handed Jack the cereal. Jack glared up at her for a moment then shoved his hand into the box, withdrew a handful, and stuffed it into his mouth.
"Good. Now, talk."
Jack rolled his eyes and pointed at his mouth.
"Fine. Chew. Swallow. Then talk."
Jack made a large production of chewing and swallowing, but he didn't talk. Sam crouched down in front of him and took both his hands in hers after placing the cereal box aside.
"Jack, please talk to me. Let me help you with this."
Jack merely shook his head.
"Damn it Jack! Don't do this. I know I can't fix it, nobody can. But I can help you bear it. Please?"
"No."
Sam hadn't actually expected Jack to speak and she jerked in surprise at the harsh tone of his voice.
"No…This is not your fault. You did not kill my son. I will not let this bring you down too. The guards were right I am no longer fit for this world. I am no better than a play toy, no more deserving than a rabid dog. I tried to hold onto Charlie and it killed him. I will not do the same with you. I just wish that idiot driver had put me out of my misery as well."
"Jack, don't say that. It's not true. You do deserve to live, to be happy."
"I killed my son! I deserve nothing!"
Jack sprang from his chair and stalked to the other end of the deck. The reflection of his movement in the sliding glass door caught Sam's eye and she looked more closely. Their families and friends were peering curiously out at them. Unfortunately Jack had turned to look at Sam and he caught them staring.
"I can't be here. I can't do this!"
Jack fled down the deck's stairs and around the side of the house. Stunned it took Sam a moment to follow. By the time she reached the driveway Jack was already into their rental car and pulling away. Frantically Sam chased him down the drive and out into the street but he didn't slow. Finally she collapsed on the curb as Jack's car pulled out of sight. There, on the side of the road, just down the street from where they'd grown up together, Sam buried her head in her hands and cried. Jack hadn't shown up for the funeral the next day, and when she'd gone to check in for their flight back to California the ticketing agent informed her that Jack's ticket had been exchanged for an earlier flight. By the time she'd gotten to Jack's place he had gone, taking only his most valued possessions and leaving no note.
oOo
The shrill ringing of the phone, right next to her head woke Sam. She sat up, rubbing her eyes.
Wha…I must have fallen asleep. Damn phone! I should probably answer. What if it's Jack? He wouldn't be so stupid. Would he? Better not to know. Maybe they'll just hang up when the machine comes on.
Sam flopped down so she was lying on the couch, her head now away from the phone. She settled down to go back to sleep as the answering machine picked up. A woman's voice came through the speaker.
"Sam, pick up the phone. I know you're there and I know why. Daniel just brought him over for dinner. Honey, please…"
Hmm I should probably answer, if only to convince Janet that I'm okay.
Sam leaned back across the couch and picked up the phone.
"Hi Jan."
"How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. I had a bit of a headache earlier so I came home early and took a nap."
"That headache wouldn't happen to be a certain former fiancée would it?"
"Janet…"
"Just answer me this…should I feed him or should I tell him and Daniel to go somewhere else? My husband's an idiot. What was he thinking?"
"Do whatever you want. I don't care."
"Sam that's bull and we both know it. I'm coming over there. You need to talk to someone about this."
"There's no need…"
"Of course there is. I'll be there in 20 minutes."
Sam sighed as Janet hung up the phone and resigned herself to her friend's well meaning intervention.
Good thing I cleaned up a little this weekend.
Jack
He'd known that the first thing Janet would do after Daniel had dragged him in the door was call Sam. He'd told Daniel as much when he'd talked to him over the phone. Jack had tried to convince his friend to join him for a few beers at a local bar, but Daniel had insisted that Jack come see the house. Jack was in the middle of convincing Daniel that this had been a very bad idea when Janet returned from her kitchen.
"I'm going over to Sam's. I may not come home tonight and if I do you had better be sleeping on the couch Daniel."
"Jan, I tried to…"
"I heard you earlier Jack. That still doesn't excuse him. Now, since you were his friend before you were mine and before he met Sam I am not going to kick him out of this house. But I am not happy. Is that clear Daniel?"
"Yes Jan."
Well that went well.
Jack watched as Janet picked up her purse and slammed the front door behind her. Both men winced as the sound echoed through the house and Daniel slumped onto the couch.
"Jack, I'm sorry. I really didn't think she'd be this upset. I thought…"
"You thought she'd react like you did."
"Yeah. I'm just happy to see you still alive. You can explain the rest of it to me later."
"Thanks Daniel, and I really do appreciate it, but I'm not sure I should stick around. I don't want to mess up everyone's lives again."
"Jack you didn't…"
"Yes I did, and I'm just starting to realize how badly. Sam won't even listen, let alone talk, to me. She told me she didn't know me. I can't do this to her again. I'm sorry Daniel. I promise I'll try to keep in touch this time but I'm going to go."
Jack shrugged back into his leather jacket and headed for the door. Daniel's hand was on his shoulder before he got two steps.
Damn. His reflexes have gotten better.
"Jack…"
Jack turned to look at his friend.
"You might as well stay for now. Jan's left for the evening. Come on I've got some beers in the fridge. I'll call for pizza and we can watch whatever game is on tonight."
Jack allowed Daniel to pull him back through the house to the family room. Daniel plucked the remote from the coffee table and stuck it in Jack's hand.
"Find something to watch. I'll be right back."
If only everything was so simple. Guess I might as well enjoy this while it lasts.
Jack settled back into the couch, turned on the tv, and flipped channels until he found a hockey game.
Sam
"I'm coming…I'm coming."
Sam yelled at whoever was ringing her doorbell incessantly.
Sheesh! What's so damn important? Somebody's seriously impatient.
"What!"
She yanked open the door. Her mouth hung open in surprise. Outside stood not only Janet but Rosa and Cassie as well.
"Janet…I told you I was fine. This intervention is unnecessary."
"You are so full of shit."
Cassie pushed her way past Sam. Janet and Rosa followed. As they marched past her, Sam noticed that each woman was holding a shopping bag. Sam shut the door, rested her head against it briefly, and followed the women into her kitchen just in time to hear the contents of Cassie's bag clink as she set it on the counter.
"So, we've got chick flicks, wine, Chinese take-out, and ice cream therapy," Cassie said as she pulled out four bottles of wine and a Blockbuster bag. "Would some one please tell me why we're having this emergency girls' night in?"
"Janet didn't tell you?"
"Nope, I was already on my way up, I was going to stay overnight at her place then surprise you tomorrow. She told me to meet her here and pick up some wine on the way. So what's up?"
"It was Janet's idea."
"Fine Sam, if you can't say it…Jack's back."
"Jack? Sam's ex-fiancée, disappeared without a word, Jack?"
"Wait, the Jack O'Neill that's now in charge of the SGC's telescope is your Jack O'Neill?"
Rosa's question came right on top of Cassie's amazed reaction.
"Got it in one."
"Well that explains a lot. Guess it also means he's off limits eh?"
Three women turned to glare at Rosa, but Sam quickly looked away.
"Easy ladies, I was just kidding. He's gorgeous, and I'd totally shag him, but he was only interested in one person during the meeting today."
"Can we Not talk about this?" Sam asked petulantly.
"Fine, but this discussion is not over."
Janet took charge, pulling cartons out of the take-out bag. Rosa collected plates and utensils, while Cassie began opening the wine.
"Go put one of these in."
Cassie handed Sam the bag of movies and pushed her towards the tv.
I hate being ambushed. Crap! They're going to make me talk about this. Fine! I might as well get nice and sloshed first.
Sam snagged one of the bottles of wine off the counter and headed out of her kitchen, leaving her best friends to get things together.
"Did she just…."
"Yep. That's why I bought four. Jan made it sound like this was going to be a long night."
Sam smiled faintly to herself at Rosa's surprise and Cassie's rejoinder.
Guess Rosa's in for a crash course in 'Dealing with Depressed Sam'. She's got good teachers at least. Janet and Cassie have had plenty of practice, even if it has been a while.
oOo
A few hours, a good dinner, two movies, a bottle of wine, and most of a pint of Phish Food later Sam was much happier. Of course it was a chemical induced euphoria that could come crashing down at any moment.
This is much better. Oh look at the cute little fishy. Buh-bye fishy!
Sam lifted a chocolate fish from her spoon and bit its head off, giggling at her own antics.
"I think that's enough for you now."
Janet moved the last bottle of wine away from Sam and then reached for the ice cream.
"No! Mine!"
Sam pulled the carton close into her chest and turned her shoulders to shield it from Janet, who sighed and sat back down.
"So…I'm not as up on the Jack situation as you guys are," Rosa nodded to Janet and Cassie. "Care to fill me in?"
Janet began explaining.
"Well, he's a few years older than us and he grew up across the street from Sam. He went to college with Sam's brother and Daniel which is how I met him. I met Sam right about the time they started dating."
"He's an ass and he broke my heart," chimed in Sam.
"Even now you don't really mean that do you?" asked Cassie.
"He broke my heart!"
"I meant the asshole bit. I knew both of them way back when they were still insisting to everyone that they were 'just friends'. Then they finally started dating and for years all I heard was Jack this, Jack that. She was so head over heels for him that she didn't even freak when he dropped his son, by another woman, on her doorstep and disappeared for months."
"Damn it Cassie you make it sound like he wanted to spend time being tortured in an Iraqi prison! Besides he'd only just found out about Charlie."
"I was the doctor who got assigned to him when he finally got home. I wasn't surprised to see how in love Sam still was. I was sort of surprised to see how much she loved Charlie though."
"He was Jack's," Sam said as if that explained everything.
"But Sarah…ugh," Janet shuddered. "Anyways long story short Charlie died, Jack flipped out, and walked out in the middle of the wake. Cassie, Catherine, and I spent months consoling Sam and trying to keep her from working herself into the ground. The reason she got her PhD so fast is that she spent the first couple of months after Jack's disappearance working around the clock unless one of us was there to stop her. Anyways, until this afternoon none of us were even sure he was alive anymore."
"And he just showed up at the meeting this afternoon without warning you? No wonder you looked so shocked when you walked in. I'm sorry I made the crack about Joe."
"Oh God, Joe! I forgot about him. I'm the worst girlfriend ever!"
Shit! I…
"I'm sure he'll understand."
"Understand! Yeah right! It'd go over sooo well, 'Joe, meet Jack. Yes that Jack. I'm still in love with him but I can't tell him that cause I'm afraid he'll walk out on me again.' Oh shit!"
Sam burst into tears. Janet and Cassie leaned in to hug her from either side while Rosa moved to sit on the coffee table in front of Sam, a hand on her knee.
"I still…"
Sam couldn't finish the sentence, but she reached up and pulled her necklace out from under her shirt once again. Janet and Cassie gasped as they recognized Sam's rings.
"Oh, honey…"
"It'll be okay, we'll figure something out."
"He'll never even know what hit him."
A/N: Sorry about the appearance of the exposition fairy there at the end, but it was the best way I could come up with to get a rise out of Sam without making her talk. Consider it a recap of the story so far. ;-) Let me know what you're thinking.