Aftermath

by Jeretarius

The title says it all. A look at the aftermath from the tragedy at Fort Zeakden.

-1Oops I forgot to do this one for the last story so here it is for this one

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the people or the locations depicted in this work, Square-Enix does.

A/N: Please excuse Ramza if he seems a little OOC at the beginning but he has just lost his best friend.

xxx

We all huddled around the small campfire trying to warm up from the frigid air around us. No one had spoken since Ramza had ordered the retreat from Fort Zeakden, which still burned in the not to far distance. Illuminating the night sky, the smoke it emitted disappearing into the darkness.

Many tears had already been shed around this fire, but no one knew what to say to each other. We were all grieving many losses: Teta…Delita…Red… they were all gone. Taken from us during the battle with the Houkten, the same group we had sworn our allegiance to not even a month ago. A group, we had thought, was for protecting the people of Ivalice, not use them as pawns in a sick game. It all seemed so surreal being betrayed by Algus and Zalbag, Ramza's own brother. Now two of our fellow cadets, comrades, friends were gone, along with someone we all could have called our sister.

The only women in our group, a monk, shuttered. I looked to see if another wave of realization had hit her, but though a tear on her face refracted the fire light, no new tears threatened to come from her eyes. I lethargically grabbed a nearby log and threw it on the fire hoping the shutter was from the cold, because that was something I could help with.

I scooted a little closer and laid my arm across her shoulder hoping to lend of some of my body heat. She lightly but sternly shrugged my arm off. She turned and looked me in the eye. I'm sure the look was suppose to say "Keep you hands off of me!", but her eyes were so empty, it was like looking into two vast abysses. The look last but a moment, then she turned away from me and back to the fire.

My eyes slowly looked around the campfire looking at my other comrades, their faces illuminated by the fire. Ramza had his knees drawn up to his body, his arms wrapped around his legs. His face was still darkened by the soot that had blasted him at Fort Zeakden. Blood still played down his visage. Starting at his forehead, it trickled down his face, gaining strength as other cuts added their blood, it dripped off his chin and to the snow. Other blood continued down his chin and his neck disappearing into his garments. I had tried to place a healing hand on his face once reaching this impromptu camping spot, but he had pushed it aside my aide much like how my female comrade had rejected my help.

Another cadet sat facing the fire clutching his best friend, Red's, satchel. A friend he would never see again. His white fist betrayed the death grip he had on it.

My own pang of realization hit me as I remembered there was usually more faces to read expression off of. Two face…

Three faces. I thought regretfully. Algus had been part of this group as long as I had, but Algus was dead too.

That had been the first time that I had thought of that, and I grabbled with how I felt about that fact. After everything he had done to this group, I wanted to hate him as much as he had hated me. Hated me for no other reason then I, like Delita, was a commoner . However, something in me wanted to mourn a life cut short.

A life I had help cut short, I gulped at the thought. There had been other people I've killed in battle, but I hadn't known them. They had been just nameless faces, people who wanted me dead, as well. I've killed them too. I have killed too many people, and I'm suppose to the healer, the priest, the white mage. The bringer of encouragement, light, rejuvenation,

healing, protection…life.

A job which I had utterly failed. My vision blurred as the memory hit me like a boulder.

xxx

"Don't be mad, Delita. You'll join her soon!" Algus shot again, his projectile hitting Delita in the chest. Finally Delita stopped his continual charge of Algus's position. He slowly fell to his knees and then face down in the snow.

Enough! My mind shouted tired of the fighting and the stand still. I would end this battle once and for all. I turned, my eyes swept the field. I turned my attention back to Algus and started chanting. Auto-potion this! I thought devilishly.

However, my eyes never reached Algus, instead they were drawn to Red, the archer and chemist for our group. He was now in the open field running towards Algus. While running his hand ruffled through his satchel in which he carried items such as potions and the like.

I thanked Ajora that he was getting a potion, he had taken a heavy beating from the wizardesses during the battle. As Red finally stood up right what he held in his hand wasn't a potion. As I tried to make out what was in his hand I heard a distinct whistle in the air as a bolt flew through the air and hit Red in the neck. His fist clenched the object in his hand as his breath left his body, then his hand released as he fell forward. The dust of the phoenix down sprinkled from his hand descending softly on Delita. The sparkling dust blended in with the snow that still fell from the sky.

NO! I screamed internally. That had been the last phoenix downs and now we had one man down. If I released this spell I wouldn't have enough energy to raise someone. I tried to recall the spell but it was already too late.

"Holy." The words came from my mouth but unwillingly. They were words of defeat instead of words of triumph like they should have been. Red forgive me. I thought watching the glistening light start growing in power brightening every second. It should have been a thing of beauty, but I couldn't find it.

Algus's face was filled with terror before it disappeared into the brilliant glow. The power shot down the cylinder of light. The explosion boomed across the snowy killing field. Everyone stopped their fighting and looked in the direction of the light and noise. The light soon dissipated and Algus fell to his knees coughing and gasping for air.

xxx

The memory of Red would remain as a eternal testament, emblazoned across my heart and deep in my mind where I had failed so completely.

xxx

"Someone," I screamed, "bring me a phoenix down." Hoping against hopes that I had counted wrong and we still had at least one left. I cradled Red's body in my arms and tried to conger up enough energy for a raise spell. But as I reached down I only felt emptiness.

Red's best friend who had been waiting at the fort's entrance during the battle came trotting up. "I don't have any phoenix down. Red, I think, had the last one."

I stifled a sob as I continued to look down at a comrade I had failed. I had been so hungry for blood that I had abandoned my job as the unit's healer and Red had paid for my failure.

"What happened to him?" Red's friend said noticing the situation.

"He fell during battle." I answered quietly.

"Well raise him!" He cried at me.

"I can't," Tears filled my eyes. "I wasted all my magic energy killing Algus."

"No, it can't be true!" He kneeled next to me and taking Red's body from my arms.

I solemnly nodded my head, but he didn't see it as he stared down intently at his friend.

"Wake up!" He whispered his voice hoarse with emotions. He lightly slapped his friend on the cheek. "Come on, you're a light sleeper, wake up… please wake up…"

xxx

Red, he shouldn't be a memory, he should be here, now, with us. But I'm not a white mage anymore. I didn't change my outfit, but I'm a black mage now. Bringer of darkness, pain, anguish, suffering, death.

I didn't want that title of black mage. It wasn't in me to lust after the things I had listed, but could I just return to a job which I hadn't fulfilled.

I could, part of me said, but I have to unlearn what I have learned. Everything black magic related, has to leave my mind. I have to forget that I had ever cast that God forsaken spell--Holy

Holy. It didn't seem to be a proper title for a spell that had caused so much sadness.

Holy. It was something that was related with heaven, but as I sat there I was sure it had to be from hell itself.

Holy. It was a spell that was suppose to wash people of the impurities their physical body caused. What was also understood was the damage caused by such a 'washing'. Damage, something that wasn't suppose to be built into the priest reputation, but it was part of mine as long as I lived. Damnation. I thought would be a better name for the spell.

I'll never cast another damaging spell in my life. I thought confidently, though I wasn't sure how much good this resolve would do me now as I looked at our group…the shattered remains of our group. Would we even stick together after this, perhaps we would go home.

Perhaps Ramza would return home and face whatever consequences he had to face.

I shook my head. I knew returning home wouldn't be an option, not at least for my three friends. They had been part of the Houkten, their parents high and influential people. Were they to be found they would be treated like common criminals and most likely executed, and home would be the first place they would look.

I didn't have the same worries. I had joined the Houkten only in spirit, never officially. I had been just been a soldier they had picked up at the soldier office in Gariland. The Houkten had no record of my name nor would they even know where to start looking for my parents.

I didn't even know how much energy the Houkten would expend on finding us. Would four deserters even merit a worth while search?

Much depended on Ramza's family. His brother, Zalbag, was commander of the Houkten, so it was partially up to him if he wanted to delegate the manpower needed to find his AWOL brother. Dycedarg, Ramza's elder brother, had Prince Larg's ear. Larg was ruler of Galloine, and had ultimate control of the Houkten. So much depended on how his brothers felt about Ramza. I hoped for everyone sitting around this campfire that we were the last of their worries.

I felt it had to be so. They still had the Death Corps to worry about. The defeat and loss of Fort Zeakden had been a serious blow, perhaps even fatal, but they most certainly were not gone. The nobles now understood that they couldn't let the Death Corps go and hope that it died on its own, cause it never happened. They had to stamp it out once and for all. Surely that would take precedence over three lowly nobles and one commoner that had run off.

So if home isn't the answer, what's left for us? I winced at the thought. If there is even an "us."

I pushed the thoughts away knowing I didn't hold the answers. I would wait for wiser counsel, but not tonight. Tonight was about the past not the future. Not for questions that would be clouded in the fog of mourning.

Two of my friends, so emotionally drained, practically fainted were they sat. Laying down on the cold ground they quickly fell asleep. I envied them. Finding some escape from the jagged knife in their hearts. I knew I wouldn't get the same escape.

I found a little joy as it appeared I would at least have company tonight. I looked across the fire at Ramza. His eyes unchanged, unblinking, the reflection of the fire caught in them. Such a strange contradiction a lively fire dancing in his dead eyes. His body unmoving. The only sign that he was even alive was the rhythmic rising and falling of his shoulders as he breathed in and out.

I wondered what kind of thoughts plagued his mind. I had been so consumed with my thoughts of failure I hadn't even considered that others might have been having the same feelings. I was sure with Ramza's personality and as the leader of the group and that he personally took responsibility for what happened today. He had to know that what happened wasn't his fault, but I couldn't tell him that. The words sounded hollow even in my head. The last thing he wanted to hear right now was that it wasn't his fault. I knew because the last thing I wanted to hear was that Red's death wasn't my fault, because it was my fault.

It was certainly true that both actions weren't without fault, because Red's death held no meaning if no one was at fault. It only held meaning if someone was to blame, and that someone was me.

I continued to stare at the fire, changing, hoping sun light would bring another change-- a chance and a reason for optimism.

xxx

So this is hell? Delita thought. Strange, I always thought it would be hotter, not so cold. Hell is certainly were I belong after what I've done. His mind corrected him. What I failed to do.

His eye lids opened on their own accord and peered into a gray overcast sky. Snow continued to descend softly onto his visage. The light dusting fell from his face as he stood slowly, his body hammered back with waves of pain, however Delita fought through it to keep his body upright. As he looked at the rubble around him, he knew that he wasn't in hell, though the remaining flames that were slowly dieing may have been an indication otherwise. It didn't really matter if it was hell or not; the thoughts that now entered his mind told him that he was certain to be tormented even here.

Teta. His mind lamented. Where are you Teta? The pain in his body was soon forgotten as the larger pain in his heart erupted like a volcano, spewing hot lava into his veins. His eyes swept the field. The first thing his eyes encountered was his sword. Laying next to it was a huge pile of rubble under which a small trickle of blood seeped out playing and intermingling with the snow.

If the decapitation hadn't killed the bastard, the pile of rubble would have been enough in and of itself. Delita thoughtwith a small hint of delight.

The light soon dissipated and Algus fell to his knees coughing and gasping for air.

"What the hell was that?" Algus asked of no one in particular.

"Not hell, heaven." Algus looked up to see Delita towering above him. He quickly brought his crossbow up, but the wood disstinigated in his hands. The black wood falling like ashes. Delita swung. Algus brought up his shield, the sword smashed through it, the shield shattering into a million different pieces, made brittle by the spell. The sword hit Algus's arm, the blade didn't cut, but instead it snapped the bone in his arm. Algus cried out as he fell backwards pushing back with his feet away from his opponent his broken arm cradled close to his body.

"Damn you...How could I be beaten by weaklings like you?" Algus cried looking into the heavens as Delita finally pinned Algus to the ground with his blades.

"How could you? She was my sister!" Emotions finally filling Delita's voice. Delita's whole body shuddered as he finally let the emotional release.

"You…she…were all just animals." Algus stuttered out.

It started as a low rumble, but it slowly built in volume until in crescendo in a volume that was unbearable. The scream Delita released echoed off the walls of the fort and filled the air long after Delita was silent. Delita brought his sword up over his head and with all his force released it down. Algus's head lulled to the side, severed from his body. The sword fell to the ground left lieing next to it's victim as Delita forgot about it. He started pulling the bolts form his body as he staggered towards where his sister's body was.

Delita's eyes continued to survey his surroundings until his eyes fell on the remains of his sister.

He immediately felt weak and fell to his hands and knees as he started vomiting, discoloring the pristine snow beneath him. He squeezed his eyes shut, but the image of his sister; how she was now, not how she had been; was burned into his retinas.

Surely these tattered remains of my clothes won't keep me warm long. Delita fell over to his side. Death will come soon enough. His eyes closed and he readied himself for just that. Maybe a wild cuar will come and save me from slowly freezing to death. He shook his head. No, that's to good for me.

The thought of wild animals picking at his carcass-- dead or alive-- filled his mind. Then he thought of them doing the same to his sister.

NO! His mind ragged back to life after slowing and readying itself for death. I won't let my sister's body be defiled.

Delita brought himself back up onto his knees. They can pick at my body all they want, but not my sister. Delita thought clearing away the snow from a patch of ground.

xxx

The sun rose quickly in the eastern sky. Morning was upon us. I had seen hundreds, probably thousands of sunrises, but this particular one seemed to mock me and the group. Over in the northwest was Fort Zeakden, still smoldering. Dark clouds seemed to hang over the site, but over us the sky was open and almost merry. The brilliant blue sky and warming sun seemed to mock our need for overcast, cold, and sadness. I had hoped for a change with the break of day, but now that it was here I wished it would go away. I knew it, like many of my wishes, was futile.

Accepting the truth that life would continue and go on, I stood, my joints feeling like they had frozen from the cold last night. I grabbed my fry pan and some meat out of my pack. I just couldn't bring myself to eat cold rations for a meal.

We had not eaten yesterday and I was sure that it had caught up with everyone else like it had me. The meat started sizzling, slowly rousing those who had been asleep. Ramza still sat in his huddled position, the exact same from last night. The other two wondered around aimlessly, not sure what to do next, but unable to go back into the trances everyone had been in last night.

"Hey," I whispered as loud as I dare, not sure what the proper tone was for the first words said after the tragedy. "Breakfast is done."

The two returned to the campfire and filled their plates silently. Soon the only noise was utensil against plate. I scooped some food out for myself, but noticing Ramza I offered it to him. "Better eat."

Ramza looked up at me with a blank expression. He blinked and then lower his gaze back to the fire.

Your loss. I sat down and started eating the meal.

The breakfast was consumed slowly, it was close to midday by the time we had finished and I had concluded clean up. I had my pack hoisted on my back ready to go, The others did the same, idly shifting their weight from one foot to the other looking at their leader with both expectation and worries.

"We should get going." I said sheepishly, knowing I wasn't the leader and didn't make calls like that.

"Were are we off to, Ramza?" Another asked.

"Go where ever you want." Ramza's dead voice came from his body. "I formally disband this unit. Go where ever you think best." I exchanged a look with the female monk, then I looked at the other cadet, our knight, his eyes were still on the figure on the ground.

"You just don't get it do you?" He said. My mouth opened in shock. His words were teetering on the edge of subordination. What was even more shocking was the rage that flashed across Ramza's once lifeless eyes.

Ramza stood showing some sign of life. However, I hadn't been expecting the hit that spilled the knight to the ground. Immediately my friend and me were at Ramza's side restraining him from getting to his target.

"Let go of me!" He raged the voice not that of Ramza nor the savagery that crossed his face.

At least he is alive, I thought, well part of him is alive, not the real Ramza.

"Let him go." The knight stated blandly. The monk and me exchanged looks again and then with the knight who was getting up off the ground after Ramza's hit had put him there. He nodded. We both slowly released our grips on Ramza's arm. Ramza walked up to him until there noses nearly touched.

"Why did you tell them to let you go?" Ramza gritted his teeth.

Their eyes were locked but he said nothing.

"Why? I'm going to kill you." Ramza's voice said. Ramza pushed him and he stumbled back. "Come on, fight back." Ramza's voice taunted.

He continued to look at Ramza as if I looked at a lost child sympathetically.

Ramza turned to face both of us. "Come on do something!" He taunted us then looked directly at me. "Come on blast me to hell." Ramza voice changed this time instead of a taunt it seemed almost to be pleading. "Blast me to hell!" he demanded. "You're good enough at it."

I felt a dagger plunged into my heart. Fresh and raw wounds of Red's death busted open. I bit my tongue as I tried to hold back the tears, strangely Ramza seemed to do the same thing, as his eyes filled with tears.

"Why should I kill you." I was surprised at how normal my voice sounded.

"Because… because I should be dead." Ramza's voice wretched. "I should be over there." Ramza pointed to the smoking ruins. "I should have died with my comrades. Because… because," Ramza started to cry crumbling to the ground. "I've taken my whole life for granted. When it came down to it I dropped it all and ran."

All three of us walked over to the kneeling figure. We all engulfed him in a hug. "You shouldn't be dead, Ramza." The monk soothed.

"Yes I should." The rage fought to remain, but it was a loosing battle as Ramza sniffed back the tears. His voice slowly returning to normal. "I'm the leader, first one in and last one out, you know. I should have stayed there and died with them."

They were already dead, what good would have your life ending done? I thought knowing such words and logic at a time like this would be tactless.

Instead one of the other cadets spoke. "You're not God, Ramza."

I looked up in shock at what I had thought at the time were calloused words. He continued.

"You're not omnipotent. You couldn't have known what happened yesterday. Your our leader, you take the information you have and make the best decisions on the information you have.

"Even if you had have known what would have happened. Do you think it would have mattered? Do you think Delita or Red would have cared? No! Delita was going to save his sister come hell or high water and we were all going to do the same.

"You're not God, Ramza." He said again, "You can't decide when you or anyone else is going to die…" My eyes shifted from my friends to the ground for a moment, his words hitting home.

I don't decide when someone was going to die. If God decides its someone's time to go all the spells at my disposal couldn't prevent that. Had I cast "that" spell because God had already decided it was Red's time to go home for eternal rest in his arms? Tears of realization started to run down my chinThe four of us sat there in the snow, in the sun, wrapped up in a hug that should have never ended.

"Your alive," He said finally ready to finish up his thoughts. "There's a reason for that. I agree with you, I'd rather have died at Fort Zeakden yesterday then be alive today. Maybe all four of us should have, but we're here now and alive and God must have a reason for it. I just wish I knew what the reason was."

Ramza looked up at all four of us in the huddle. A smile slowly but surely formed across his lips. It didn't even waver as it settled on his face with some permanency behind it. I blinked a couple of times finally seeing Ramza's face, not some sham trying to be Ramza. He slowly stood, each of us pulling away from the hug. We stood a couple feet apart looking at each other. "You're right, we're alive for some reason and if God told us what it was it take the whole reason out of living."

"No truer words have been spoken, by two thoughtful men." The women of our group spoke her teeth chattering a little. Despite the bright soon midday sun, the weather around Fort Zeakden was an unrelenting cold.

"You cold?" I asked rather stupidly.

"Yeah," she smiled sheepishly. "I know I pushed your shoulder off earlier, but you wouldn't mind if I take you up on your offer now, would you?"

"Not at all." I said cheerfully opening my arms wide. She walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I closed my own arms around her slender figure, my low laying sleeves wrapping around her body like a blanket. I softly laying my chin on top of her head, hoping I was radiating enough heat.

"Ewww, two lovers sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." The knight cooed at us.

"What's that," I smile at my friend who after such profound words found a way to go back to his normal never serious self. "a joke?" I slowly brought my arm up using the sleeve to cover the stonily look I knew the women in my arm was shooting at the knight.

"I'm sorry, too soon." He spoke both as a statement and a question.

"No," Ramza reassured, "We need to continue to live, get moving, and keep going. That doesn't mean we forget them or don't mourn them even now. Plus making jokes has always been your way of mourning hasn't it."

"Yeah," He kind of smirked. "I guess I'm kind of like a guy that laughs at a funeral."

"'Kind of like'?" The monk snorted turning around in my arms to face outward, but still in my warm embraces. "Remember Count Tarius's funeral?"

"Hey, you have to admit that was funny." The other started laughing unable to control himself.

Ramza started chuckling. "C'mon even Delita had a hard time keeping a somber face after that."

I felt her even start shaking in my arms as she started laughing too. My gaze turned from one to the other hoping for some sort of explanation of what happened, but even after the laughter had subsided it looked like none was going to be forth coming. I sighed. Even after a month with these guys and I still feel like the odd man out.

"So tell me exactly what I 'don't get.'" Ramza asked.

The knight seem to fidgeted a little recalling his insubordinate phrase. He smiled sheepishly. "For the most part it was to get you to react. Really what I was referring to is even if you did disband this group do you think we'd just say okay and go? I sure you do understand, but I needed to remind you that we're friends here and we don't stay just because we have to. It's because we want to."

Ramza nodded. "Yeah I've always known that, but thanks for the reminder."

"So where are we off to?" I asked.

Ramza walked over and picked up his pack, instead of heading in any particular direction, he started pacing back and forth in front of the dead fire.

We all stood watching him waiting patiently for his decision. He paused as he notice the one pack still setting by the fire. "We need to go to Riovanes."

I nodded. "Yeah we need to tell Red's parents what happened."

"If we don't, no one will." Ramza continued the thought. "As far as the Houkten is concerned he's a deserter and they don't know he's dead, his parents need to know the truth. But first…we need to have a funeral."

xxx

How many eternities have I been here? Delita thought as he continued to rake away at the ground with his bare hands. His hands were red from his own blood; his fingertips already gone after hours of just picking at the rock like permafrost. However, he couldn't feel the pain, his hands and arms were numbed by the cold. A cold that was now traveled up towards his lightly covered body.

He looked down mournfully at the hole he had dug. It was big enough length and width wise but it was still not very deep.

Such a shallow grave, Delita thought, I wish I could dig it deeper, but I'm going to be dead soon enough and I have to finish my last task.

Climbing out of the hole Delita walked over to the remains of his sister's body. He was about to pick it up but then paused. He tore a small square patch from his sister's tattered, burnt dress. "Sorry sis, but I want something to remember you by. I just need something of you to hold onto while I die. I guess that sounds a little weak, but I hope you understand."

He tucked the piece into his pocket and then picked up his sister from where she laid and put her softly in the grave. He slowly refilled the hole, placed his sword above it as a marker, laid down beside it and prepared to die. A little piece of purple cloth clenched in his right hand.

xxx

Ramza pulled out his sword that he always had carried, even though he hadn't used it in battle, preferring to use his fists and the monk skills he had learned. He took and planted the blade into the ground which he kneeled down next to and started to pray silently. The female monk knelt next to him started to pray as well. I grabbed my staff and broke it over my knee. I tore a long strip off of my robe and bonded the two pieces into a cross. The self made cross easily went down into the soil. I was about to pray until I notice the another sword sink into the ground. My knight friend knelt down next to me and the four of us prayed.

Slowly each on of us ended our prayer and then stood back and waited with respect for our friends to finish. In the bright noonday sun our four figures stood staring down at the three improvised markers.

"Delita," Ramza spoke to his weapon planted in the ground, "You've always been my best friend. I remember the first time you arrived at our house after my dad had taken you and your sister in. I was so shy and hiding behind my dad. You just walked right up to me and proudly told me your name. You always were the bold one were you?

"You were closer to me then my brothers ever were. Proud and bold, you wouldn't let the guys at the academy look down at you. Bold, proud, and a hard worker, the instructors would set unrealistic goals for you and you'd always meet and beat them. I had always tried intervene on your behalf and tried to get the instructors to be fair, but they wouldn't listen. You would have been angry with me if you had ever found out. You didn't care that they were unfair, you felt like you had something to prove. Show the nobles and the instructors that you were more then good enough to be there. I don't think you know, but you did prove it to them. Sadly you never thought it was good enough. Proud, bold, hard worker and always enduring. That's how I'm going to remember you. But more importantly I'll always remember you as my brother.

"Teta," Ramza turned to my broken staff, "if Delita was my brother then you were most certainly my sister. If I was shy when I had met Delita then you were definitely petrified. I remember after Delita had introduced himself, Alma went and did the same to you. I think you nearly had a heart attack. If that hadn't been bad enough she had dragged you off to here room to play with her dolls…

"I remember Delita and I would tease you two, it was always in fun. I hope you knew that. I'll never forget how many times Delita and I would chase you and Alma all around the estate. Then Dycedarg would scold us especially if we burst into dad's study. Then dad would say it was okay, something about needing a break, and then would proceed to chase the all four of us around the estate.

"I don't think you know how much it meant to him when you had called him 'dad' even though you said it was an accident. I don't know God," Ramza looked away from the markers and into the sky, "you've got plenty of angels of your own, did you have to steal ours?" Ramza paused again as he blinked back the tears.

"Red, the first memory I had of you was the first day at the academy. I remember they had us running the entire day. I thought 'Wow he's strong, he'll make it far in the military.' Then you had taken the lead during an obstacle course and I had thought 'He'll make a great leader.' Finally I got to talk with you and I thought 'He's going to be a great friend.' You know what I was right about every single one of them."

Ramza looked over at the female monk that stood next to him and she nodded as she looked back. "Delita, I remember the first dance we had shared, at the academy ball, remember that? You had been so distance, it wasn't till that night at Igros that you had opened up. You had a hard outer shell you wouldn't let anyone past. What few other people understand that there was a caring man underneath all that shell. I remember how we would spend all night, out here in the world, just talking. Then the first kiss…" I looked up at her as she paused and then smiled. "I guess I shouldn't kiss and tell, but you should know how much that meant to me, especially that my first kiss was with you.

"You probably don't know how much Delita talked about you, Teta. He was always proud of his 'little sis' going to aristocracy school, especially how much you excelled there. He always doted over you, but more importantly the protective older brother feeling he had for you. He would have sacrificed himself just to make you safe… In the end I guess he really tried. I'm really sorry I only got to meet you twice. I had tried to be nice, but I think I just scared you. If I did I'd like to apologize because that wasn't my intent, I just wanted to be friendly.

"Finally, the big man on campus. You couldn't help but be popular could you, Red? You just had a magnetic and charismatic personality and I think you attracted everyone, even the girls. Unfortunately you never heard how the girls talked about you. All you had to say was 'would you marry me' to any girl and they would have fainted. I think they would have tried to say yes before fainting. I think even I would have at one point. One thing is for sure though they would have been the luckiest girl in the world."

I wasn't sure what I wanted to say now that it was my turn but I just let the words flow without any real thought given to them, which was unusual for me.

"Delita we didn't talk a lot, but the few times that we did have you always had great insight. It didn't matter the subject you seemed to have some sort of knowledge about it. I'm not talking about people that feel the need to talk about every subject, but usually have no idea what their talking about. You always had something substantive to say. It didn't matter the subject, if it was women, magic, and the list goes on and on. I don't think most people knew how smart you were. Maybe not book smart but street smart, something I never had, but always admired.

"Unfortunately, I didn't get to meet you, Teta, for more then a couple hours, but I'll treasure and remember each moment. I only wish I could have known you longer. You probably didn't understand how much the two of us were alike. We're both shy, thin, scrawny, though you are definitely more good looking then me; more then you ever knew. We were both commoners trying to find our way through a noble dominated arena. You were also stronger then me. It sounds like you weren't having an easy time of it, but you still persevered. More importantly you didn't let it get to you.

"Red, You never had a course word, even when we fought, you were the mediator and level headed. You know what- it drove me mad. It's aggravating when you're mad and the person your arguing with won't get mad with you. But that was you and it's great. I wish I could be like that."

The knight cleared his voice before he spoke. "If Red was the big man on campus, then you, Delita, was the strong man on campus. I remember the instructors tried everything to make you fail, but you never gave up and you always met their unrealistic expectations. I don't know how you did it. I couldn't have, that's for sure. It didn't matter if it was academic or physical, you did it all. Sadly even your classmates wouldn't or couldn't see how hard you had to work. They were like the instructors looking for you to fall and when you didn't they looked for the smallest fault to pick at. I just hope you know how much impact you had on my view of commoners. I had grown up in an all noble world, but you showed me commoners weren't like everyone told me. They aren't animals and in many cases they're even better then the nobles that claim to be better then them.

"Teta, sadly I didn't even get to meet you once. However, if you were even half the women Delita claimed you to be, you must have been something special. From what I've heard from everyone else, Delita just didn't do you justice. You were three times the women he had told me about. But it is always hard to describe someone so spectacular.

"Red, my friend, my compatriot in crime, the thorn in my side. Even now people don't understand my problems were your fault." His laugh choked by tears. "Seriously you were just the perfect person to blame all my insecurities on. Strangely you didn't seem to mind, probably because you knew I was joking.

"We were so like minded it was scary. I remember the first time we met at the academy you finished my first sentence for me. Thankfully that didn't last." He tried to laugh again, but instead the tears continued. "You were my first best friend and sadly no one is ever going to take your place. I'm going to really lonely here without you. But I understand why God had to take you. If both of us showed up in heaven at the same time that would have been a real problem wouldn't've it. Well you just get everybody in heaven ready for us, cause we're going to party like no one in heaven has ever seen when the two of us meet again."

We stood there for a couple more moments until Ramza shrugged his pack further onto his shoulders. Tears continued to roll down his cheek, but he got the words out. "We better get going. I want to get some distance between us and here before we stop for the night."

xxx

Delita was painfully aware how long he had laid in the snow. It was also painfully obvious he hadn't died yet.

What's going on? Kill me! His mind raged. His body laid spread out exposed to the elements, hoping the exposure would kill him. However, even the rage of his mind declared that he wasn't close to death. If he was close to death he certainly wouldn't have been so lively about wanting to be dead. It was almost as if some protective hand kept him warm and alive. It was the only explanation. The temperatures at Fort Zeakden were known to have killed many a man that was unfortunate enough to be assigned to this outpost.

It was common knowledge that Fort Zeakden was a death trap. Sure many served their time there and survived to tell the story, but wonder around in the wrong attire and you could die right in the "safety" of the fort. Even if properly clothed all one needed to do was wonder off and get lost. The next day they might find you frozen solid in the wasteland that surrounded Zeakden, or perhaps found in a snow drift kept slightly warmer, but dead nonetheless.

Yes, Delita knew there was only one reason he had survived in his tattered clothing, when much greater men had frozen to death in much less time and in all out snow garb.

Damn you, God. Let me die!

Delita paused a little taken back by his own outburst. In all his life he had never cursed God, even after his parents died he had never been angry with God.

Forgive me God, he prayed softly, but at least you had left me my sister when my parents died. Now I have nothing. You took her away from me! And now your going to force me to live without her?

No, I was right the first time- damn you, God! If you even do exist, you're one sick…deity, person, or whatever you are. You don't deserve another moment of my time. So why don't you just kill me now and send me straight to hell? That's the only place I want to go, I don't want to be with you. So why don't you kill me?

Because, part of him said, even Ivalice can be your own personal hell.

Heaven and hell are right here on Ivalice. It's all in what you make of it. Some voice said. Delita opened his eyes and looked for the voice, because the voice he heard wasn't his own that was for sure.

Delita reclosed his eyes; he imaged that action alone brought him that much closer to death.

He didn't need to look around he knew the voice was in his head, but the voice and words weren't his. The words and the voice that spoke were much wiser then his. Perhaps Balbanes said it once. Though he searched his memory but couldn't think of it.

The word were also very practical something like his father would say, but his memory was foggy when it came to his parents. It seemed like it had been a century ago that he had lived in his families modest farm home; not the huge and cold mansion of the Beoulve estate.

Heaven or hell, Delita repeated the words of the disembodied voice that was in his head. How can I make a heaven when everything I love has been taken from me? Delita asked not really expecting an answer. He was surprised when the voice spoke again.

When we've been stripped down to nothing that is the point at which we can start rebuilding ourselves. The words were an answer, but it was as if they weren't the answer to his specific question, they almost seemed disconnected.

Thinking he finally figured out who was speaking to him, Delita shook his head as if to dislodge it. Get out of my head God. I've already said I don't want to waste another minute of time on you. It your fault my sister is dead. That's right, you're an all powerful deity, you could raise her right now, but you don't. You let her die, and then as if it was some sick cosmic joke you let me live.

Snow lightly descended from his body as Delita stood resolute. He solemnly looked down at his sword and the grave it represented. "Sorry sis," His voice was timid, but slowly hardened with determination. "I guess I'm not going to die here. But you're going to be the only thing that drives me. You'll be the whole reason for my life from now on. I'm going to make a world where this never happens again. A world that would have been worthy of you."

And as for you, Delita thought as he looked into the sky; the place he was told God resided in. I'm going to make you regret that you didn't kill me here when you had the chance.