Woo, 2nd story out! This is me writing at a breakneck pace.

Title: things i can never say.

Fandom:Gravitation

Theme: #18; the wrong words

Pairing:Yuki Eiri x Shindou Shuichi

Rating:R

Disclaimer:Nekkid male sex. Nothing explicit, but it's there. Based on Volume 11 of the manga, nothing too spoiler-y though.

Summary:What happens when you love someone, but can't convey it? What happens when he's so used to your non-committal mannerisms, he shrinks back in fear at your kindness? And so the story goes.

"You're being so nice to me today, Yuki… I'm just surprised, that's all…"

First you think I'm cruel. Now you think I'm creepy.

Make up your mind, you damn brat! I'm getting too old for this 'changing' shit. I'm getting too set in my ways.

You're circling around me warily, your eyes catching mine at every opportunity, and I feel like I'm being unfairly scrutinized. I swear to God, you can check my blood for anything and I'll come up clean.

If you actually try to get me tested, though, I'll strangle you with my own hands.

"Yuki…?" You look at me shyly, face a little pale from shock. "You're really Yuki… right?" I bristle, my patience worn thread-bare.

"Who the hell else would I be, idiot?" You shrink back, mouth scrunched up in a frown.

"Well… it's just that…" You poke your fingers together, clearly unsure of what to say. "I'm… so used to the… the, er, 'grumpy' Yuki…" I sigh, and inwardly something reprimands my past behavior. I'm the one that caused this… maybe if I had been a little nicer in the beginning…

But when have I ever given anyone special consideration in my life?

"Look," I say irritably, "make up your mind. Either you like me being horrible to you or you like me now. Either way, you're still a masochist."

"No no no, Yuki, I… I like this! I really do!" You force a smile to show your appreciation, but your eyes remain worried. I really love your eyes…. No matter how hard you try to get away with a lie around me, I can always see that your eyes remain hesitant. It was one of the first things that really stood out about you, that made you different from the loads of idiots that kept coming and going around me.

And I was sick of seeing your eyes reflect constant hurt or fear of cutting remarks. My hand lifts your small chin so that your gaze meets mine, and I smile awkwardly. Yeah, I know, I'm squeezing it out like a pained expression… something in me really does want to smile for you… it's just grown rusty from years without use.

"Shuichi," I say haltingly, "I… want to be better to you…" You bite your lip, and your fists clench and unclench nervously.

"Yuki, I don't know what… what made you decide to change. And I think that I really liked it at first… but then, I realized that you aren't supposed to become the Yuki of my daydreams." Before I can say anything, you wrap your arms around me and hug me tightly. "I know… I'm horrible with explaining stuff, I can never seem to find the right words like you can. But Yuki…" You hug me tighter, and your voice strongly hints that you are holding back tears. "Yuki, I love you… I want you on the outside to be who you are on the inside. If it takes forever, if it takes the rest of our lives for it to happen, I can wait." I breathe harshly, glaring at the blank wall in my line of sight.

"I give you what you want, and all you can do is complain," I growl. "It takes someone really stupid to throw away their fantasy for reality."

I know," you say, your voice small and buried within the folds of my shirt.

"Well, forget everything I've said, then. And whenever you get hurt by what I say, you're the one that specifically asked for it." You sniffle.

"I know, Yuki."

But I want to hurt you less, I really do. I hate the wetness on my shirt, the shaking fists clenched at my back. I want to tell you how much you mean to me, how special you are to me because you are the only one in so many years that has made me feel truly alive again. But I can't stop being what I am now—a bastard.

Or maybe a boy in a fortress, trying to keep others out.

I do the only thing I know that will somewhat convey how I care, and pull you close to me as I tumble into the sheets of my bed. We move together, the clothes that separate us becoming a hindrance. I kiss you ferociously. Your hands run up and down my back, restless with want.

My lips suck indulgently on your neck, and you mewl. "Yuki…"

I love it when you hang onto my name like everything outside of this bed is of no consequence. I lose myself in you; lose control of my voice as I hear myself moaning indulgently into your skin… and in the back of my mind, as I thrust myself into you, I can hear myself saying everything you deserve to hear.

You lie in my arms, the post-coital glow radiating heat from your flushed skin. I nuzzle into your back, and you give me a throaty giggle.

"Mm, that was wonderful," you sigh. Your hands hold my arms tighter around you, and I know you're smiling without seeing your face. "I like it when you're fierce sometimes, Yuki, and then you cuddle with me afterwards."

"Why can't you shut up and enjoy the moment for once?" I mutter sarcastically, before I can stop myself. Your shoulders tense in reaction, then, as I remain silent, relax again.

You… you flinched. You flinchedbecause of me.

My teeth clench, and I fight the growing ache in my chest as I hold you tightly.

You're wrong, Shuichi, you know… I'm the one who is hindered by the wrong words, that relies on a faulty messenger to spell out how I feel for you. Even with my apparent gift for words, I fall short. The irony is poignant.

"Yuki… you're holding me too tightly," you say weakly. I swallow the lump in my throat and release, then turn around and stomp out of bed.

An hour ago, you thought I was creepy. And now, we're back where we started. Just like you wanted it to be.

Shuichi, you idiot. How can things possibly be better this way? As I start walking toward the door of the bathroom, I hear you rustle in the sheets and meet your eyes.

"I'm sorry," you say slowly. "And… thank you."

I turn abruptly and take the few steps into my bathroom; then slam the door and lock it before I feel the hot tears sliding down my face.

end.

AN:Sigh, I can't stop writing angsty Eiri… but at this point in the story, he really is a big ball of angst. When I saw the theme, I thought of this part in the manga where he says everything Shuichi's wanted to hear, but Shuichi sees right through him… and it kind of wrote itself.

This is un-beta-ed... I am starting to think that, because I'm writing a lot more often now, I probably need one. :P