I sat for quite a time after Mal had chased Kaylee out of my shuttle. I find it ridiculous in a way. The girl is coming to me for advice, but am I really qualified to give it.
It was a taboo subject at the Academy, love. We weren't allowed to discuss it with anyone, which of course meant that we always did. At nights, we'd creep into each other's rooms, talking in low voices, dreaming of the day that a client would say that he loved you, that he wanted you to be his and his alone. But we were young, what did we know of the world? How were we to know that if a client wants you for himself, love is hardly ever the reason.
I had a fantasy of my own as well when I was younger. That one day I'd be out somewhere, maybe at a dance, and a handsome gentleman would take my arm and draw me onto the dance floor, sweeping me off my feet and defending my honour from all slanders. It just shows how foolish I was when I was young that when it did finally happen it wasn't as I had imagined at all.
I was drawn onto the dancefloor by a handsome man, but you could never call Malcolm Reynolds, and he did defend my honour, at least, he wouldn't let Atherton call me a whore, he likes to keep that as his own especial privilege.
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I honestly don't know when I fell in love with Mal. Sometimes I'm not sure if it is truly love. But something tells me that it has to be. Why else would I still feel this way despite all that's happened?
There's always been something between us. Some sort of magnetism, but magnets can repel as well as attract one another, and I'm not entirely sure whether our poles attract or repel.
I suppose it's a case of opposites attract. I have nothing in common with Malcolm Reynolds, and yet now I can't seem to stop myself caring about him.
I'm not sure when it started, possibly when he and Wash were taken captive by Niska, or it may have been even earlier. I suppose it may have been when Serenity's engine failed, when he stayed with the ship whilst we all went off in the shuttles. All I do know is that by the time we went to help Nandi, I cared so much that it hurt when I realised that he'd slept with her.
I think I hoped that what I felt for Mal was just a foolish fancy, that some time away from Serenity would bring me to my senses. But I was wrong. I thought that I was over him, but the second I saw him on the vidscreen, the feelings all came flooding back.
I'm still not sure if it is Love. All I do know is that I have feelings for Malcolm Reynolds that can't be denied. I just wish I knew where they are going to lead us.