Notes: Old fic, not v original, written in a rush and un-beta-ed. I know that really makes you want to keep reading. It amused me for a short time at least. Can't hurt to share, I suppose. Anyway. Spoilers for the Cartoon Network people (I think?) but anyone who keeps at all up to date with either the anime or manga shouldn't be surprised by anything here. Well, except maybe the slashy hints, which are actually more than hints but not by much. It's late, and I'm rambling, so without further ado, I give you:

Sarcastic Fairy Tales: Little Black Saskue-Hood

Little Black Sasuke-Hood skipped through the forest. He was going to see Granny Orochimaru, who had promised to help him gain power. Little Black Sasuke-Hood smirked -- finally he would be strong, strong enough to kill his brother. No more wasting his obvious talent, atrophying in worthless Konoha. So wrapped up was he in his own genius that he failed to recognize the presence of another.

Itachi-wolf smiled faintly as he stepped from his hiding spot. "Little Black Sasuke-Hood, is it?" Little Black Sasuke-Hood was startled by the interruption, but masked his surprise well. Ninja are never taken unaware, and in his mind he was already a great ninja. "Where are you going, all by yourself, Little Black Sasuke-Hood?"

"I'm going to find Granny Orochimaru. He will give me the strength I need to kill that man." Had Little Black Sasuke-Hood paused in his ranting, he might have noticed that Itachi-wolf was, indeed, the very man he wanted to kill. No one ever accused Little Black Sasuke-Hood of being rational when it came to revenge, though. "That man, my brother, killed my whole family and then disappeared. I won't forgive him for killing them all and leaving me alone."

Little Black Sasuke-Hood continued in this vein for a while, but Itachi-wolf stopped listening. He worried briefly that maybe he'd driven his younger brother insane, but discarded that concern. After all, insanity seemed to run in their family, and it had never hurt him besides. Instead, Itachi-wolf recalled what Little Black Sasuke-Hood had said, "I'm going to see Granny Orochimaru." Orochimaru? Now this was reason for worry. Everyone knew Orochimaru had a thing for pretty boys. Itachi-wolf realized he would have to protect Little Black Sasuke-Hood's virtue.

It seemed that Little Black Sasuke-Hood had finally run out of names for the murderer of his clan. Itachi-wolf said, "Yes, he does sound terrible. I hope you find him one day and give him what he deserves," before disappearing into the thick woods. Little Black Sasuke-Hood had forgotten he'd been talking to someone, as he didn't actually need an audience... he spent most of his time cursing his brother, both aloud and internally. He shrugged and continued on his merry way.

Meanwhile, deeper in the forest and just outside Konoha's boundary, Granny Orochimaru was busy sucking the souls from people and trying on their bodies. Alas, none of these bodies were fit for someone as awesome as himself. His boy toy, Kabuto, was off behind their house, burying the wasted corpses. For the seventh time that day, Granny Orochimaru lamented the lack of suitable bodies. It was at this moment that Itachi-wolf appeared.

Granny Orochimaru feared Itachi-wolf. It was a long story, but Granny Orochimaru had long ago desired Itachi-wolf's body. Itachi-wolf clearly didn't like that idea, and killed all of Granny Orochimaru's lackeys to drive the point home. Now, Granny Orochimaru didn't much care for any of his lackeys, but Kabuto was somewhat, ahem, useful to have around, and it would be preferable that Itachi-wolf not kill him.

Itachi-wolf was pretty smart. He knew that Orochimaru still wanted his body, but that Orochimaru was too weak to take it. Itachi-wolf allowed himself a moment of pride on this point. Back to the current situation, he also knew that Little Black Sasuke-Hood was like a weaker, smaller clone of himself. There was no doubt in Itachi-wolf's mind as to why Orochimaru had offered to help Little Black Sasuke-Hood. Itachi-wolf did not want to share his brother. After all, there was a reason he'd left the kid alive rather than slaughtering him with the rest of the clan.

"I know you're trying to seduce Little Black Sasuke-Hood with power," Itachi-wolf accused Granny Orochimaru. There wasn't a lot to say to that, so Granny Orochimaru was quiet. Itachi-wolf continued, "And I won't let you. Little Black Sasuke-Hood is my prey." There was a lot Granny Orochimaru could say to this, but he never had the chance since Itachi-wolf clawed off his head. Itachi-wolf then took Orochimaru's granny cap and pulled it over his ears.

It wasn't long before Little Black Sasuke-Hood found his way to the little house. Oddly enough, he was not disturbed by the slew of bodies lying about, or by the one body that seemed to have no head. He was, however, mildly upset by the vaguely familiar grey-haired boy sitting under a tree, weeping as he cradled the body's missing head. Little Black Sasuke-Hood was on a mission though, and couldn't be detained by little things like death. He strolled into the house, where he met Itachi-wolf again.

"I want that power you--" Little Black Sasuke-Hood trailed off, skeptical of Granny Orochimaru's odd appearance.

"Come closer." Itachi-wolf wasn't asking.

Little Black Sasuke-Hood stepped nearer, and commented, "My, what red eyes you have."

"Allergies and all. I ran out of Visine." Itachi-wolf knew it was a weak cover, but Little Black Sasuke-Hood seemed to buy it.

"And what.. what's that bulge in your cap?" Little Black Sasuke-Hood reached up and pulled off the cap. "Ears?"

Itachi-wolf thought quickly. "Yes. 'Cat-boy' is the latest fashion. When I'm not taking over small countries, I try to keep the fangirls happy."

This was really stretching credibility, but Little Black Sasuke-Hood wanted that strength. "And what--" His observation was cut off by Itachi-wolf leaping onto him and shaking him senseless.

"Aren't you supposed be obsessed with me? How can you not recognize me?" Itachi-wolf was, to put it gently, unhappy. Little Black Sasuke-Hood was alarmed... clearly his Ninja Sense was not working today. And worse, he hadn't yet gained the power to defeat Itachi. And worse still, this was not Granny Orochimaru. Little Black Sasuke-Hood felt sick as he remembered the grey-haired boy as Orochimaru's underling.

Little Black Sasuke-Hood didn't have time to ponder his terrible fate, as at that moment the front door was kicked open violently. Itachi-wolf, still sitting on Little Black Sasuke-Hood, scowled at the interruption.

"SASUKE YAROU!" A voice that obnoxious could only belong to one person. Little Black Sasuke-Hood covered his face, suddenly all too aware of the incriminating position he was in. "YOU-- eh? EH?" Clearly Little Black Sasuke-Hood was being assaulted by his muderous older brother. This was Naruto's moment to shine! Itachi-wolf's reflexes must have been dulled by his frustration, since the S-class missing nin didn't manage to dodge Naruto's clumsy attack. For all his lack of style, Naruto did have power, and Itachi-wolf did not get up. Naruto beamed at Little Black Sasuke-Hood, then grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the house back to their village, babbling something about "saving" Little Black Sasuke-Hood, and that for that he "deserved to be treated to ramen."

Little Black Sasuke-Hood did not gain strength, but then Itachi-wolf was dead so really he didn't need it now. Naruto was stupid and annyoing, but Little Black Sasuke-Hood thought it might not be so bad to go home for ramen.