High sounds still startled him. Sometimes he even jumped aside when he heard a bird sing a long high tone, or when he heard a kettle whistle, or stone scraping on stone. Bright lights still reminded him of the headlights of the train, attacking them as they had stood on the railroad track. But that was only occasionally. It was that song that haunted him every minute of every day and every night. The song was the worst.

Never thought

This day would come so soon

We had no time to say goodbye

How can the world just carry on?

I feel so lost when you are not by my side

But there's nothing but silence now

Around the one I loved

Is this our farewell?

Jack couldn't remember exactly when he had heard it, but it had been some time after the train had passed by.

The words and the melody kept bringing back the same fragments of his memory he had left from that night. Running endlessly, till he had thought that his lungs where going to explode in his chest, and unexpectedly ending up at the railroad track. His sudden decision to take the easiest way out. Then jumping onto the track. The cold.

The cold, that had numbed him, frozen his feelings and his thoughts. It had been bliss, as he had felt how his consciousness had dazed away into the endless night, leaving all of the pain that was his life behind. Rags of memory of the dark night and the rain were stringing together into a long chain of ecstasy. He had known it would be over in a second – the sound of an incoming train had reached his ears, and his brain was trying to process what that meant.

And then there was Eric. He didn't remember much of what had happened after that, but the next thing that was still very clear to him, was Eric's body lying on top of his. His warmth, his eyes, his lips…

And that's where Jack flinched every time.

One minute he was so sure it had really happened – the next, it all seemed like a dream. Back and forth, back and forth. Had he been hallucinating, driven crazy by the cold? Or did they really…? He didn't know. He really did not know. And the only person that could tell him, was Eric.

But he was too afraid to see him, talk to him, touch him. Not even because it would bring back memories of that night, or of what drove him to do it – he had been over that with the doctors and therapists time and time again. That was something he could handle by now. That was finally truly a part of his life, a place that he could let be.

He was just so damn afraid of what might happen with Eric on another level.

What if he asked Eric about the night, and it appeared to have been a dream after all? Eric would be either disgusted, or mad, or disappointed. In any way, it would destroy the closeness of their friendship forever. He couldn't risk losing Eric. Never.

And what if it were true, but it had been a mistake? That would be even more awkward, and the embarrassment would stand in their way, wiping out their friendship as well. He would lose either way. Because it couldn't have been what he wanted it to be.

So he had told the others how it would be better if he didn't see Eric in a while, although he wanted nothing more badly right now than to see him, talk to him, touch him, feel every inch of him nearby. All he could do right now was send letters. Superficial, but still. Something to let Eric know that this wasn't the end. Just until he had sorted things out.