Fear not, my faithful, for I have returned. The silliness shall continue!
Chapter 6
Later that morning, Kenshin pondered methods of proving his manliness to the others. They obviously lacked the ability to reason (hence the cross-dressing thing, where did that come from?), but perhaps they could be shown.
What do manly men do? They stick people with their swords! Kenshin's gleeful smile was interrupted by the memory of his no-killing-people rule. Ok, manly men show women who's boss! This one will work. Maybe if I entice a woman to come home with me…but Miss Kaoru will surely kill me if I do that.
"BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT" interrupted his thoughts for a moment, as Sanosuke chased Yahiko into the backyard, knocking over the washtub in the process. Thanking whatever deities were watching that the tub was currently empty, Kenshin righted it from its side and returned to the porch to continue pursuing his dilemma.
Would Miss Kaoru reject me if I tried to entice her? After all, everyone knows I'm in lo- uh, that I find Miss Kaoru pretty. I would not want to disrespect her, though, that I would not. Perhaps, if I simply behave towards her in a more aggressive manner, without trying to entice her, I could prove my masculinity without putting her virtue in danger!
And so our hero continued his plotting.
Meanwhile, in a land far away in time and space, 5 gay men packed their finest into Gucci suitcases.
"This is no-holds-barred, my friends," Carlson stated gravely, smoothing down his alligator pants.
"Honey, you've got something on the back of those. You should change before we travel," was the only reply.
Carlson found some lightweight linen slacks, so roomy! And the packing (suitcases, people!) resumed.
Soon the Fab Five were ready for their time-travel escapade, and pressed the secret button inside the grandfather clock that led to the Butt Cave.
A knock resounded throughout the dojo grounds as someone pounded on the gate. Kenshin opened it, feeling no hostile sensations, to find a strange man, dressed quite like a fop in a felt fedora and puffy-sleeved purple velvet shirt, and they think I dress strangely, ran through his mind.
"Hello," Kenshin bowed to the man. "May I help you, sir?"
"Yes," the man replied, grinning and twirling his slicked black mustaches. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."
"What!" Kenshin fell over, swirly-eyed.
"Hag!" Yelled Yahiko.
"What do you want?"
Yahiko glared at the door. "Come outside already. Some angry weirdo has come for vengeance, and Kenshin passed out because this is the hundredth one this month."
"Tell him to take a number. You know Kenshin only sees revenge-obsessed weirdos on the first and fifteenth of every month. He has to learn to wait his turn," was the only reply.
"Sorry, mister, you'll have to take your number and come back in about a week. House rules," Yahiko shrugged at the guy. "Buy the way, nice clothes. A fan of lace, huh? Are you gay, too, like Kenshin here?"
Kenshin, who had just raised his red head off the ground, fell back with a thud. A cloud of dust rose up around him.
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."
"You said that already," Yahiko looked annoyed. "Damn weirdos. Always repeating themselves. I told you to get lost!"
The strange man refused to look anywhere but at the supine form of Kenshin, still lying in the dust, staring up at him with purple eyes the size of teacup saucers.
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my fatha. Prepare to die."
"Um, are you sure you have the right man? You don't look very Japanese to me, sir?" was the most intelligible reply Kenshin could come up with at the moment.
"Neither do you," interjected Yahiko.
"Hello. My name is-"
"We KNOW what your name is. Shut up already!"
"Yahiko!" Kaoru exited the dojo and crossed to the gate, pausing to smack Yahiko upside the head before stepping between the two men. "Kenshin, get up."
Kenshin righted himself as Kaoru smiled at the strange, homicidal visitor. They got enough of those in the dojo that none of them really fazed the residents anymore.
"Hello. I'm Kamiya Kaoru, and this is my dojo. Would you like something to drink before you leave?"
The man glanced at her, then back to Kenshin, who had finally righted himself, but stood with shoulders drooping, one arm of his gi hanging low to the ground.
"Hello. My name is-"
"Hey there!" Kaoru interrupted, slightly nervous now that the man refused to say anything beyond the same four sentences.
"That's quite a nice shirt you have, sir. It's a very lovely shade of purple."
"I bet Kenshin just loves it," added Yahiko, snickering. A fist embedded itself in his spiky black hair.
"Um, anyway, don't mind him. It's really a very nice shirt- ow!"
Montoya, seeing his chance to finally get through to the murderer of his father, grabbed Kaoru by the hair and pointed his rapier at her throat.
"Hello-my-name-is-Inigo-Montoya-you-killed-my-fatha-prepare-to-die!" He shouted in one breath, before anyone could interrupt him.
The sight of Miss Kaoru in danger galvanized Kenshin into action. He grabbed his reverse blade sword and whipped it out of the sheath, eyes gleaming amber in the yellow afternoon sunlight.
"Let her go. This is between you and me, Montoya." His voice was several octaves lower than his usual rurouni voice.
Hm, look at that, he can sound like a man, mused Kaoru, leaning her neck away from Montoya's rapier-point, which never wavered. Kenshin didn't miss the speculative look in her eye.
Montoya, confused about the change in demeanor and eye-color, these Japanese are very strange, nevertheless began to repeat his phrase. After the first sentence, he looked down at Kenshin's sword hand, and noticed that the tell-tale sixth finger was not in existence.
"Prepare to-uh, excuse me, nevermind." He let go of Kaoru and put his rapier back on his hip. "You see, I thought you were the man who killed my father, but he had six fingers. Did you used to have another finger on that hand?"
Kenshin shook his head.
"Ah, very well. Sorry to interrupt your afternoon. You have a lovely home. I must be going now. Vengeance and all, you see. Goodbye!" And just like that, he ran off down the road.
"Well, that was weird," Yahiko commented. The others shrugged and turned away from the gate, but Kenshin wasn't really paying attention to the strange Spaniard now that the danger was gone. He was too busy remembering the look Miss Kaoru gave him when his Battousi persona had gotten free.
Perhaps she thinks Battousai is manly, even attractive! That is how I will prove my manliness to her and the others. I will be aggressive to her, as Battousai!
With that, he skipped happily to the backyard, then realized what he was doing halfway, returned to the gate, and walked again with what he hoped was a manly swagger.
Looks like Kenshin's got a bit of a limp, Yahiko thought.
An hour later, Kaoru called out to Kenshin.
"Kenshin," she yelled in a sing-song voice, wiping her hands on her cherry-blossom colored kimono.
"Yes, Miss Kaoru?" He smiled sweetly at the kendo instructor, then, remembering his persona, the rurouni cleared his throat, and repeated himself. "Hrm,I mean, yes, Miss Kaoru?" He turned to look at her, glad that he hadn't punched himself in the face to make his eyes become purple again. Kaoru's eyes widened significantly at the sight of him, enough that he could see the whites all around her blue irises, but she said nothing of his demeanor.
"Um, we're getting a little hungry. When were you planning on cooking dinner?"
Kenshin's first instinct was to race into the kitchen and put up a pot of water, but he realized that the others did not consider that manly behavior, and perhaps thought it woman's work. "You make dinner tonight," he told her definitively.
"Really?" Kaoru's happy gasp was enough to make the rurouni glad that he had stuck with his chauvinistic idea. This was a win-win situation. Until he thought about Kaoru's cooking, and how he'd have to eat it.
"Uh, yes," he replied, much more uncertain than he had appeared earlier. He thought he should add a manly come-on to make himself sound more enthusiastic. "I bet you can heat up more than the stove," he told her.
Kaoru simply gave him a confused look. Is he…trying to say that I'll burn down the kitchen or something? "Kenshin, you idiot!"
Bonk!
An hour later, Kaoru finished putting out the fire, and poured the ruined soup into jugs to be thrown away later. She scrubbed up what she could, and left the kitchen scowling.
"Uh, Kenshin, I have something to uh, do, so can you cook dinner after all?" Kaoru tried to appear nonchalant, but her blue eyes clearly showed her to be upset. Kenshin had seen the plumes of smoke rising out the kitchen window, but she had gotten it under control in time.
"Yeah, she means she has to air her lungs out because of that huge fire she caused!" shouted Yahiko from the shed.
"Eight million swings, Yahiko! Start now!"
"Grrrr."
Kenshin shrugged and entered the kitchen, realizing that discretion is the better part of valor, and that a manly comment was sure to gain him nothing but another smack on the head, courtesy of a wooden sword.
He started to slice up vegetables for stew, and Kaoru waited until his back was turned, then snatched up the jugs and brought them out to the small garden at the edge of the property.
Not long after, Kenshin went to tell her that it was time to eat. She seemed so sad. Perhaps I should say something to comfort her.
Kaoru was pouring out the last jug into the garden at the edge of the yard. She felt funny sneaking around, but it was so embarrassing to be such a bad cook. It made people think she was unwomanly. She glanced down at the chunks of charred meat flowing out. It's not that bad, she thought. The flowers wilted under the onslaught of burned soup. Then the weeds followed suit. Kaoru scowled at them. She was trying to slosh out the last dregs when she heard something behind her.
Whirling around, she placed the jug behind her back. "Kenshin! What are you doing here?" she inquired nervously. She didn't want him to see her dumping the awful soup, it was enough of a humiliation that she started a fire in the kitchen. She serruptitously tried to stand in front of the ruined flowerbed.
Kenshin approached her, his amber eyes gleaming in the dusky blue-gray glow of twilight. It's now or never. I've got to be manly. Trying to put her at ease, he thought a compliment would be best.
"I see you pee standing up. I like that in a woman."
A/N: I don't own the Princess Bride, either.