Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)
By DarthMarth
Chapter the Second-Marcus has an Adventure
Marcus rode into battle with all the bravery he could muster (which wasn't much-he'd used most of his when he'd gotten his splint back in chapter 25), wincing at his leg as his horse trotted. He prayed fervently to Saint Elimine, hoping for another miracle to get him through this battle alive, and for Dan the tactician to be smote from the face of Elibe. If Marcus didn't know better, he'd almost swear Dan was out to kill him.
Ford the General sat on a rock in the pass, just outside the huge fortress he'd began the battle in. As he reflexively polished his massive suit of armor, he gazed keenly across the horizon for enemy troops. So far, nothing. Nothing at all. And then...
"Hey, look at this!" his comrade, Mercedes, exclaimed. "They're sending one guy! It's...it's that lucky Paladin Linus warned about!"
"Meh, let him come," another Knight, Chevrolet, answered. "He can't cheat death forever."
"Bwa ha ha!" laughed Volkswagon, the third Knight in the party. "He's just got a little sword! It's like he's trying to get killed!"
"You can say that again," Ford finally said, getting his Horseslayer and practicing some thrusts with it.
"Hurgh, with this stupid sword, they'll think I'm trying to get killed," Marcus grumbled to himself. Deciding to get it over with, he spurred his horse to a full gallop and charged at the armored infantry, who went into flanking formation, the General in front and three Knights around him. Trying to ignore the shooting pain in his leg, he raised his sword and yelled. The general twirled his lance-a Horseslayer, Marcus realized with dread-around him with incredible speed; a critical hit. This must be the end, Marcus thought. He closed his eyes and waited for his release from the torture Dan had been sending him into...
"This is the end!" Ford yelled as he brandished his lance, impressing even himself with his speed. As the Paladin came within a few meters, he thrusts the Horseslayer with all his strength...right through the horse's legs. This tripped it up, and sent the Paladin, now airborne, continuing forward...
Marcus could tell when the lance was thrust. Judging by the relative lack of pain, it has speared his poor horse, probably killing it instantly. Suddenly, he felt himself flying forward, leaving his horse behind, his arms flailing. Suddenly, he came to a stop. As he opened his eyes, he found himself clinging to the top of the General's massive armor, his sword going directly into one of the suit's eyeholes. Slowly, the armor tipped over backwards, hitting the rocky ground with a resounding clang. Through their helmets, he couldn't see the looks the three Knights were giving him, but they seemed surprised, to say the least. As he tried to remove the sword, it broke less than six inches from the hilt. Cautiously, the Knights began to advance...
Dan watched Marcus' lucky moves from the hill with his telescope, growing angrier by the second. Currently, Marcus was hopping around one his good leg, uselessly swinging around his sword hilt. Then-curses!-one of the Knights clutched his chest and fell over. A sudden fatal heart attack! Dan let out an angry cry.
"Why won't you die?" he yelled, hoping Marcus would hear him over the distance. He felt like his head would explode as Marcus managed to hop past a lance, grab the point, and drive the unnaturally sharp other end into another Knight's helmet.
"Something wrong, Sir Dan?" Eliwood called, glad for any relief from the extremely awkward moment he was having with Ninian, made even worse by how Lyn, Rebecca, and Wil were all pointing and laughing as they sat nearby, restringing their bows. Dan's face burned with rage as he stormed off, extremely annoyed.
Mercedes was all alone. He backed up slowly as the Paladin hopped around, trying pathetically to seem menacing. He always knew Volkswagon should have let up on the pork ribs at lunch. "You may have beaten my comrades," he said cunningly, "but you didn't factor in my secret! I'm actually...a super-awesome Swordmaster!" As he said this, he undid the straps on his armor, revealing ornate robes and a gilded scabbard.
Marcus gulped. He hasn't counted on a Swordmaster in disguise, especially a crazy one. With his leg, he didn't stand a chance of dodging. The Swordmaster began a series of dizzying flourishes and twirls, practically dancing around like a leaf in the wind while coming closer and closer. Suddenly, he stopped as his sword arm fell off, severed at the shoulder. "Oh, fudge," he muttered, looking down at his self-severed arm. When he looked up, the Paladin was already winding up for a mighty swing...
"GAAAAAAH!" Dan screamed in anguish. Not even the crazy Swordmaster in disguise could kill him! Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he walked over and took Rebecca's bow, then took careful aim and fired. As the arrow flew, a Wyvern Rider flew into its path and got skewered through the head, falling to the ground dead. He wondered what Heath was doing still around now, but pushed it aside in his rage and nocked another arrow. He fired; the exact same thing happened again, a second Wyvern Rider falling down dead. Since when did Heath have a brother? He tried a third time; the exact same thing. What in St. Elimine's name...
"Nice shots, sir!" Wil yelled. "Here come some more!" Completely frustrated, Dan tried to snap the stupid bow in half, but only sprained his wrist. Rebecca ran and took it as he lay on the ground fuming and clutching his wrist, and all three archers started to take down the Wyvern Riders that had begun to come. Someone must have crossed the dotted black line.
Marcus stared at the strange dotted black line painted in the grass as he hopped past it, continuing his amazing trek towards the enemy fortresses. (Yes, I'm aware that the line is behind the fortresses. He got lost. You try navigating a valley in the middle of a battle on one foot.) So far, he'd dealt with three more bands of armor through various methods like getting two generals to impale each other with Armorslayers, turning one Knight and his girlfriend against each other, inducing two more fatal heart attacks with the disgusting butter in his rations, and good old-fashioned screaming like a little girl not to be killed.
Coming in Chapter 3: Will Marcus storm the fortresses single-handedly (more like single-leggedly) and survive? What's with that disgusting butter? Can the archers fend off the Wyvern Riders while continuing to make fun of Eliwood and Ninian? Does life hate Dan? Are there crazy Swordmasters-in-disguise among us? (looks around shiftily) And do I use way too many horizontal rules?
And that's Chapter 2! Coming up next time, we'll see what's going on with the two other groups! (Yes, I know I promised it this time. Get used to the stuff in italics making no sense.)