Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)
By DarthMarth
Chapter the Third-Beware the Mages
Dan ran out of Merlinus' tent carrying several quivers and bows. He reached for a Killer Bow and immediately performed a critical, despite never having used a bow before today. (That's the magic of Killer weapons for you) He nocked and fired the arrow with a flourish, but once again a Wyvern Rider intercepted. As the rider fell to the ground with a feminine scream, Dan winced. He'd hoped to recruit Vaida.
"Nice shooting, Sir Dan!" Wil called. "You're a great archer!"
Dan got fed up with Wil's compliments and fired another arrow at him without even thinking, sure that a Rider wouldn't fly this low. He was right-a deer bounded out of nowhere and died instantly from it.
"Great, sir! That'll make a tasty dinner!"
Dan fell to the ground and screamed silently, in despair turned the bow around and fired at himself. The blunt end of the arrow, which he had somehow fired backwards, bounced off his shirt and hit another Rider; Wil cheered and Dan fumed off to plan his next move.
The troops on the northern path fought furiously through legions of mounted Black Fang. Hector and Sain, both armed with anti-cavalry weapon, stormed through their front lines while the magic-users stood back and supported with spells and healing. Everything was going perfectly, until suddenly, Sain rode up with a spear sticking completely through his torso and coming out several feet on the other side. Miraculously, he still wasn't injured enough to stop with his usual charm. He spoke in as poetic a voice as he could with an impaled lung, pausing occasionally to discreetly cough up blood.
"Fairest Priscilla, I fear I have suffered a most grave injury! But let it not be a trouble on thine fair brow! Thou shaltest suffer not for mine sake, and-"
"He's gone into full thespian mode!" Hector interrupted, running up, as Sain continued to spout Shakespeare. "I tried to stop him!"
Canas approached the crazy Paladin. "I can heal him," he said, raising his staff and charging it with green energy...wait, green? "This isn't right!" He exclaimed. No sooner had he done so that Sain was enveloped in a huge cloud of generic-looking smoke. When it cleared, a rabbit sat where Sain's horse had been with a frog sitting on top as though riding it. The spear clattered from where it had sat in Sain, still bloody, next to the bizarre pair, spooking them and sending the rabbit tearing off into the woods as the frog hopped around confusedly and croaked.
"What?" Canas exclaimed. "What happened to my Mend Staff?"
Priscilla rode up. "I have a Recover Staff; I can heal him...whatever happened." She raised the Recover Staff, which glowed blood red.
"A Berserk Staff?" Erk yelled just as the frog leaped directly at Canas' throat, croaking as ferociously as possible and licking his jugular.
Hector panicked and started running in circles. "AAAAAHHH! EVIL KILLER FROG!"
Canas followed suit. "Getitoffmegetitoffmegetitoff!" As he flailed around trying to remove Sain the frog, his staff glowed again and he was suddenly transformed into a purplish turtle. The frog started leaping at the turtle, trying to pounce on it, and bounced off the shell.
Hector ran up and grabbed Canas' staff. "Time to end this madness!" He snapped the staff like a twig over his knee, but as he did, it shone again and he turned into a blue dog, who immediately went crazy and tried to eat the turtle. The staff itself turned into two snakes and joined the melee.
"Oops..." Priscilla said embarrassedly, realizing she'd accidentally used her Berserk staff again. She put it away on her saddle, but it activated and affected her horse, which immediately started running around and bucking her off.
"This is madness!" Erk cried. "Wait, my Sleep Staff!" he pulled out his own staff and used it, firing an explosive blast that scattered the animals. "What?" He finally noticed Nino, who had been laughing her head off the whole time, and ran to her.
"This was your doing, wasn't it? Wasn't it?" He started to strangle her in anger at ruining their offensive, but she kept on laughing.
"You...should have...seen your face!" she managed in between hysterics. Erk strangled her tighter, getting even madder.
"What?" Dan wondered as he watch the northern path. "I always thought those two Mages had a thing, but...making out now?" he shook his head. "And what's with those small, woodland animals they're hanging out with?" He turned back to his task at hand: killing Marcus with the massive ballista he'd been sitting on top of. He painstakingly turned the winch and tightened the bowstring. Grinning with malicious satisfaction, he fired, just as a sudden gust of wind came up...
Florina wasn't sure whether to be terrified or thrilled. Their flight had been a safe one so, far, but equally nerve-wracking as ballista bolts longer than she was tall shot past them every few seconds.
"Don't worry, sister!" Fiora said, flying up alongside her. "With those terrible shots they have at the ballistae and Heath absorbing all the shots for us, the enemy archers can't touch us!" They both looked at Heath, who somehow managed to deflect most of the bolts headed for them with a seemingly impenetrable, round shield. Suddenly, a ballista bolt came from the general direction of their own base, headed directly at Florina. She screamed with terror, but luckily it intercepted yet another Wyvern Rider that conveniently flew in front of it. "That was weird..." Fiora commented. "It seemed like it came from our base..."
"We're nearing the shops!" Heath called, swooping closer to the Pegasus sisters. "You stop there; I'll continue on to the town!" Fiora acknowledged this, and the Falcoknights swooped downward to the stores on the other side of the mountains while Heath kept going.
After at least a minute of stomach-turning dives, they came close to the store, but something strange was in front of them... "Oh, in Elimine's name..." Fiora trailed off. Extending at least 50 feet in front of the store was a line packed with people.
Heath landed just inside the city walls and started looking for the mayor. The first person he asked claimed to be said person, but Heath gut-punched him for lying and continued. He finally found him sharpening his oversized, ribbon cutting scissors at an outdoor smithy; not the typical place to find a mayor. "Excuse me," he said, "but there's a battle going on near here, and I wanted to-"
"You wanted THIS!" a young-looking Mage interrupted, walking up and pulling a gilded staff from his robes. "the Warp Staff, coolest and most useful of all staffs!"
"I believe that would be staves," the mayor answered. Turning back to Heath, he continued. "Now, about that battle-"
"WHATEVER!" the Mage yelled. "You want it, and you can't have it! Nya nya nya!"
Heath grew frustrated. "Look, I don't want-"
"SHUT IT! You'll never get it!"
Heath decided to take the staff just to teach the stupid brat a lesson and walked up to him.
"NEVER! I'm over here!" The Mage used the staff and teleported to the rooftop of an inn. "Or here!" He reappeared on a chimney across the street. "No, here!" Now he was perched on a fountain nearby. In a downright weird attempt to confuse Heath, he started teleporting rapidly. "Here here here here here here here he-" He stopped dead and collapsed, also dead. He'd teleported right onto Heath's lance.
"Weirdo," Heath muttered, taking the staff and leaving.
Florina and Fiora continued their wait. The line had barely moved at all, and all they'd gotten to do was see someone walk out every few minutes carrying a bundle of staves tied up like firewood. Fiora went up to a mage standing in front of them. "Excuse me," she asked, "what are all these people doing here in the middle of a battle?"
"They aren't gonna stop buying the new Money Staff for anything!" the mage replied. "I've been in line for days, but it's been worth it!"
"Days? What is this Money Staff?"
"It's pure genius. They make 'em with one use to conjure up one more Gold than they cost." The mage indicated a man walking out of the shop carrying a cheaply decorated staff. Without hesitation, he used it, creating a small pile of gold in front of him. Laughing with joy, he pocketed it, tossed the old staff away, and eagerly got in line behind the sisters to buy more. As he did, the mage continued. "I've been through the line five times already. I'll be rich...eventually."
Fiora sighed, disgusted. This was going to be a long, long wait.
Coming in Chapter 3: What will Erk do to Nino for completely wrecking their offensive? Can Dan ever hit his actual target? Will the Pegasus Sisters ever make it through the line? And what was with that crazy mage. Anyway?
That's chapter 3! Coming up next time: revenge of the small woodland animals!