Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)
By DarthMarth
Chapter the Fourth-Attack of the Small Woodland Animals
The Pegasus duo continued to wait. The line had barely moved in three hours, mostly because of people budging in front, too eager for more Money Staves to wait.
"This is ridiculous..." Fiora muttered to herself. Florina, intimidated by all the men standing next to her in line, said nothing. Suddenly, they saw a large shape momentarily fly across the sun. "It's Heath!"
The Wyvern Lord swooped down next to them, eliciting angry yells from people who had to move to accommodate his Wyvern. He started at the line in its entirety for several seconds, then looked back at the sisters. "What in Elimine's name is going on here?
Fiora sighed. "That's just what I said. Everyone's in line for some new hyper-addictive Money Staff."
"Whoah, I could use a few of those..." Heath murmured, beginning to daydream until Fiora gave him an angry glare. "Oh, right, I got a new staff that might help us get inside!"
Fiora was surprised. "You do? Wait, how can you use a staff?"
"Meh, Nino taught me all about how to use staffs."
"I believe it's 'staves'," Fiora corrected.
Heath looked completely puzzled. "Staves?"
Fiora sighed again. "I have a bad feeling about this..." Ignoring her, Heath raised the staff and used it...
Erk and Nino fought on and on, using some of her trick staffs-no, staves like two-handed swords. Erk yelled at her through clenched teeth, enraged. "You...ruined...everything!"
Nino comically imitated his speech, struggling not to burst into giggles. "No...I...made...it...better!" Made even angrier by this, Erk ran at her with his staff raised above his head, screaming at the top of his lungs.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" With all of his 4 strength (I hate RNG screwage), Erk brought the staff down on Nino's head. Luckily, she blocked with her own staff and godly 19 strength, causing Erk's to break. As it did, it activated and conjured up another generic cloud of white smoke. (Heretofore referred to as a GCoWS)
"Yay, maybe he'll be a puppy!" Nino exclaimed. As the G-Cow cleared, Erk was revealed as...a massive purple lion. "Eep." Nino could have sworn that a malicious grin slowly spread across the lion's face just before it pounced...
The flying units reappeared, minus their mounts at a not-so-comfortable altitude of 20,000 feet. After all three managed to scream their lungs out, Fiora turned to Heath and yelled at him at the top of her lungs to get past the wind.
"I told you I had a bad feeling about this!"
"Yeah! I'll never take staff lessons from someone who uses them as drumsticks again!" Fiora slapped her forehead and took the staff.
"Give me that! I can use it better than you!" She held the staff out again, and all three disappeared...
"What?" Dan exclaimed as he watched the strange purple lion that had appeared out of nowhere maul Nino to death. He looked down at his Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance player's guide. "Since when is there a purple beast laguz?" He turned back to the special-issue catapult he'd been sitting on. With the winch already wound, he pulled a lever and sent dozens of rocks flying at Marcus.
Marcus hopped around the base of the fortress, dodging arrows and burning oil, inducing heart attacks, liver failure, or anything else he could come up with on enemy units, and hacking away at the fortress wall with his shattered sword. "I hate Dan, I hate Dan, I hate Dan," he chanted in time with his hopping. Above his head, dozens of rocks slammed into the wall, causing it to collapse and revealing several scared-looking armored units behind. "Whoah."
After Dan finished kicking the catapult and breaking his toes angrily, he decided to finish things hand to hand...one on one...mano a mano, whatever. He ran to Merlinus' tent again and, grabbing several various deadly swords, ran out towards Marcus. As he ran past the archers, he hurriedly made final arrangements.
"OkayWilyou'rethenewtacticiandon'tletanyoneexceptmarcusdieIgottagobye!"
Wil stared at Dan as he ran off. "Oo...kay..."
Nearby, Eliwood finally broke the awkward silence. "So, um..." He fell into the huge pit he'd dug in the ground with his toe, then climbed out and continued. "Uh...nice weather today...huh?"
After a long pause, Ninian replied. "Uh...yeah..."
Wil yelled at them from his hill. "Boo! Lamest A-level support ever!" The archers looked at him. "What fourth wall?" He turned back to the Lord and Dancer. "Start makin' out or something! I command you, as your new tactician!"
The flyers reappeared this time facing down a 50-foot dinosaur. (!) All three of got screaming their lungs out out of the way, then Heath took his turn to yell at Fiora.
"You just HAD to send us to the stuffed beast museum, didn't you?"
"Sorry..." Fiora replied sheepishly. Without saying anything, Florina took the Warp Staff and used it.
Priscilla struggled to rein in her still-berserk pony as it charged forward, frothing and neighing furiously. She shielded her eyes as the pony dismembered several enemy horses with its teeth and apologized to them.
"Sorry! It's me horse, he's..." She trailed off as her mount charged past the dying cavaliers and continued towards another group. Nearby, Sain the frog rode on his rabbit, doing the frog impression of a rallying cry. Hector the dog and Canas the turtle also attacked ferociously with teeth and claws. From behind, a lion roared and instantly killed a soldier with a pounce.
"Sweet, killer animals to the rescue!" Will exclaimed, peering at the carnage though Dan's spyglass. He continued his running commentary as Lyn and Rebecca, bored out of their minds, tried to ignore him. "And Hector the dog goes straight for the jugular! Ooh, that's gotta hurt!" He did a pathetic impression of a cheering crowd, then instantly resumed. "Sain the frog does a tag-team-tongue move with Canas-there go that man's eyes! And Erk the lion-game, set, and match! Woooo!"
Finally, Florina, Fiora, and Heath appeared in the shop. Heath looked at Florina. "How did you do that?"
"Um, Bartre taught me. He really knows a lot about staves."
"I never would have guessed..." Heath said to himself. "Okay, let's see, my shopping list..." He pulled out a large bag from his belt. He fumbled to undo a triple-knot he'd tied on the drawstring and pulled another bag out from inside it.
"I have a bad feeling about this..." Fiora said, again.
"It's in here somewhere..." Heath replied determinedly.
Sain the frog was a killing, croaking machine. Ribbiting ferociously, he jumped to a man's neck and killed him by wrapping his tongue around his neck. Croaking, he jumped 10 feet to another man and repeated the process. With all the cavalry defeated, he managed to jump onto terrified Priscilla's shoulder and did the best flirting a frog could manage, trying to croak out some compliments while she was too busy hanging on for dear life to protest. Some things never change.
Another hour and 23 bags later, Heath finally pulled a small sheet of paper out of a tiny bag.
"Let me see!" Fiora exclaimed, running up and looking at the list.
"Oh, it's my to-do list..." Heath commented.
Fiora looked at the list, hoping the items to buy were on it. They weren't; the only three things left unchecked were "Make out with Florina," "Make out with Florina again," and "Elope with Florina."
Said person walked up to the two and tried to get a view of the list. "Can I see it?" Protecting her little sister's fragile mind, Fiora hastily grabbed the paper, crumpled it up, and stuffed it in her mouth, trying not to look disgusted. The two others both gave her shocked looks.
"So..." Fiora said uneasily with her mouth full of paper and ink. "Let's get shopping!"
Coming in Chapter 4: What has Marcus been up to? Are Sain the frog, Hector the dog, and the rest deadlier than their human counterparts? Does Nino know anything about staff-staves? Does Heath need a better organizational system? Is Wil a terrible tactician and worse commentator?
Aaaaand that's chapter 4! Sorry if it was a little boring, but the next one will make up for it Please R&R!
Eliwood: What about Marcus? We barely saw any of him!
Oh, that's right; next chapter is all about Marcus!
Eliwood: Riiiight.
Seriously, it is. And shut up, your A-level support was the worst ever!
Eliwood: I really do hate you.
I know. Go back in the hole you dug.