Dan, the Tactician with the Master Plan(s)

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Fifth-Marcus Levels Up

Marcus finally finished knocking the last brick of the fortress loose and rode off. (He'd been smart enough to raid the armory and stable) Wielding a Silver Axe, he was now easily superior to the Knights and Archers he was mowing through. He switched to a Killer Lance every once in a while to dispatch a Myrmidon, and made steady progress toward the Shrine of Seals. They were actually running from him, the cowards, screaming their little head off, no less. Maybe the fact that he'd fallen into the latrine twice while destroying the fortress had something to do with it, but oh well.

"Finally, things are going well," he said to himself while dismembering a General. As he continued his northward progress, he easily mowed some strangely-colored woodland animals down and put a crazy horse out of its misery. Oh well.

Dan's vision turned red from his intense hatred. He was so angry, his skin was turning red from internal bleeding caused by high blood pressure. Every dismembered corpse he passed by made him madder. Why would he not die? Clutching a Silver Blade in both hands, he sped up, sprinting after the accursed Paladin and screaming. What would it take to kill him?

"What will it take to buy this Pure Water?" Florina asked, holding up a sparkling vial.

"900 gold, sis. Read the price tag," Fiora answered.

Heath walked up, carrying several dozen Silver Blades. "Buy a few dozen. We could need them."

Fiora grew annoyed. "Don't you remember our budget? We only have a few thousand gold!"

Heath scoffed. "Meh, it's okay. It's 99 percentoff day!" he pointed to a sign saying so through a mass of people clustered around the Money Staves.

"Oh? Perfect!" Fiora ran off and started looking at high-end lances as Florina scooped up as many Pure Waters as she could carry. Nearby, the cluster of people moved, revealing the number 0 and a decimal point in front of the announcement...

"Dun dun dun!" Wil exclaimed. With the disappointing deaths of his furry (and scaly, and slimy) entertainment, he'd taken to making Eliwood and Ninian's predicament as interesting as possible, oblivious to Rebecca and Lyn's snoring and holding a dagger like a microphone. "That's serious points off for Eliwood for that burp! Ooh, tough luck! And herecomesNinianshe'sgonnasaysomething-ooh, and she decides not to! Ouch! This is the most exciting war of words I've ever seen, folks, and it's far from over!" A snore escaped Eliwood's lips.
With one more deadly charge, Marcus finished the last of the Archers and rode up to the Shrine of Seals. Standing several dozen feet away was Linus.

"So, you've finally made it," Linus remarked. "I should have known it'd be you."

"I guess word of my luck has spread," Marcus said, shrugging.

"Time to die, Linus-style!" he drew his Light Brand and prepared to attack.

"That was seriously lame," Marcus commented, spurring his stolen mount to charge. As he did, Linus held the Light Brand above his head and yelled. The sword shone blindingly and charged with power. Marcus braced for a devastating magical attack, but slowed to a stop in front of Linus as it never came, shielding his eyes. "Is that all it does?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Linus admitted. "It's not even very sharp, either. Lloyd said something about my 'weapon level' not being high enough to use it right, but I think he was just messing around."

"This is boring." Putting Linus out of his pathetic misery, Marcus raised the Killer Lance high and skewered him.

Linus collapsed, not standing up to the injury nearly as well as Sain, and uttered his last words. "Remember me...for my singing voice..."

"Whatever," Marcus mumbled. Suddenly, a perfectly square section of tile he'd been standing on shook and rose from the ground. He was leveling up. Heroic music came from nowhere (that part always confused him) and he felt himself get stronger...oh, wait, he felt nothing. The music faded and he floated back down, feeling tired.

Dan screamed again. Another no-stat level-up! He'd wanted to level Canas up against him, but that idiot Paladin already killed him! He raced up the steps to the Shrine three at a time and screamed even louder continuously as he charged at Marcus, holding the Silver Blade high above his head.
Marcus heard a primal, agonized scream just before he turned to see Dan dashing up the stairs behind him. Upon seeing his would-be killer, all his hatred towards the Tactician and his Marcus-killing schemes rose to the surface. Marcus bellowed almost as loudly and charged directly at Dan.
"And what's this?" Wil asked rhetorically to his sleeping audience. Merlinus had come out to watch the fun, but was now slumped next to Eliwood and Ninian, fast asleep. "Our former Tactician is locked in an epic duel with his nemesis, the Paladin Marcus!" In between his words, Wil pathetically hummed some epic-sounding battle music. "Oh-oh-oh, Dan has done a furious jump attack and unhorsed Marcus, here he comes! Hold onto your hats, people, this could get grisly!"
Marcus struggled to his good foot as Dan charged at him, ferociously swinging his Silver Blade around. He barely managed to block with his Killer Lance and hopped backward, twirling it like a staff in preparation for a critical. He thrust the spear forward with incredible force and his incredible 17 strength, but powered by pure rage, Dan hefted his massive Silver Blade unnaturally quickly and parried. Taking advantage of Marcus' overextended arm, Dan raced up and delivered a devastating kick to his groin...or his greaves.

"Gah...stupid...maxed-out...defense!" Dan yelled, holding his foot and mimicking Marcus' hopping. The two crippled combatants both got running...er, hopping starts and circled each other. "I hate you!" Dan screamed. "Why won't you die?"

Marcus replied, equally mad. "I hate you more! Why do you try to kill me?"

"BECAUSE YOU SUCK!" Dan hopped over 5 feet in the air on his one foot and brought the Silver brand down in a huge, cleaving blow...

Florina, Fiora, and Heath flew back to base, completely laden with healing items, lances, tomes, staves, swords, and virtually everything else imaginable. Heath could barely contain the joy at the great deal they'd received. "Boy, with all this awesome stuff we got, Dan won't mind being sent the bill at all!"

"Funny..." Fiora said to herself. "I get the feeling I'm interrupting something really important..."

Marcus barely managed to bring his Killer Lance up in time to block Dan's latest strike, and even then, it snapped his weapon in two like a twig. However, Dan, fell backward after landing awkwardly from his latest attack and dropped his Silver Blade. He drew another sword-the Regal Blade.

"Hey, you can't get that until the last chapter!" Marcus exclaimed. He still held the two fragments of the Killer Lance in his hands; the broken ends were arguably even sharper than the original point.

"You read my strategy guide?" Dan said as he rolled to the side and leapt to his feet. "DIE!"He twirled the powerful sword like a...twirly thing (Darned writer's block) and wound up for a critical. Marcus brought the lance fragments in front of himself in a doomed block as the whirling Tactician of death came ever closer...

Coming in Chapter 4: Who will win in the epic duel of Paladin vs. Tactician? How did Dan get his Regal Blade? What will he do when he has to pay hundreds of thousands of gold...minus a 0.99 percentdiscount? Does anyone listen to Wil?

That's the end of chapter 5! Sorry if it's shorter, but this is the first real battle I've written; please R&R!

Eliwood: Aren't you forgetting something?

No, shut up and listen to Wil.

Eliwood: Seriously, what was the very last thing ZB wrote?

I have no idea. Leave me alone.

Eliwood: Come on, what happens?

Don't make me kill you too. Wait and find out! (I promise the final chapter will be up before I leave for Thanksgiving)