July 2001
Ben entered his small dorm room after yet another long day of EMT training and classes. He was exhausted, but he felt increasingly proud of himself for coming to Kansas City and beginning the pursuit of a career. He never would have thought that emergency medicine would be an interest of his, but it just felt right and that made him feel good. Nothing had ever felt right for him, well, except for being with Felicity, which always made him feel complete. But he meant in terms of studying and college, he moaned at the thought of how many years he had wasted, not declaring a major or having a focused path to work towards. He hoped this new focus would make him feel better about his plans, that he would indeed have a future with Felicity.
He often marveled at the fact that he was still in a committed relationship with her, she never ceased to amaze him and fill him with complete and utter joy. She was the best thing that ever happened to him that he was sure of. But, he had almost lost her and for that he would always feel horrible. He still wondered why he had gone to South Hampton with Avery. When he thought about what he put Felicity through, he cringed and was disgusted with himself. He had told her that it was because he felt a connection to Avery, since he had seen her brought back to life. But he knew that wasn't all of it. He wondered why he couldn't tell her the whole truth, sometimes he was just afraid of what she'd say, of losing her. He shook his head, filled with regret. He knew now going with Avery had been a bad decision, an awful mistake. And he had hurt Felicity, which is something he never wanted to do. . He sat down at his desk and started to put his books away for the night. He sat there for some time, sorting through his thoughts. He often did this, sat and thought about why he felt certain ways or did certain things. And with this situation, he knew it was related to how he never quite understood why Felicity loved him as much as she does, despite what to him seemed like overwhelming flaws. There was the fact he had kept this academic probation from her, which he still felt horrible about. And he felt that his lack of a future plan, as her mother's recent visit had pointed out, was disappointing to her. The mere thought that he was a disappointment to her was overwhelming, he wanted so much to make her proud of him. But he was not sure he knew how.
He would never forget how in awe he was of her when she showed up at South Hampton and declared her love for him. He remembered standing there in utter shock, at how intense her feelings for him were, at how she would follow him all that way just to tell him that she loved him. He was speechless, and he had no idea how to respond. He couldn't believe what he had said, that he was still confused. A voice inside him told him to grab her and tell her that he loves her, too and that he is so amazed by her, but so scared she is disappointed in him. That she wishes he was smarter or had a plan in life.
But, he didn't. She had gone and he was left there with a thousand thoughts racing through his head, all about her and how incredible he thought she was. But how he feared that his love for her wasn't enough. He feared he would let her down, that he would hurt her. And yet that is what he had done by coming there with Avery and being so confused. When all he needed to do was share with her his concerns and they could work it out. They still had not really talked about all that had happened. He had decided to leave for this training and they were spending yet another summer apart. "How did this happen?", Ben wondered. He never wanted to be away from her again.
And the next time he saw her he was determined to talk to her about all of his worries and just have faith that she would still love him. He needed to empty out his soul to his true love, he needed that so badly. Sometimes he didn't even know how he had lived before he met her. He trusted her completely. And he had decided something the other day, that despite all his fears, he was certain of one thing- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He will tell her simply that he loves her and no matter how scared he is sometimes, he knows that he is safe and a much better person because of her. So, he decided to do it, to take the big plunge, and ask Felicity to marry him.
It was a huge decision, but he knew in his heart that it was right and what he wanted more than anything. He knew what she would say, too, or at least he was fairly certain he knew what she'd say. Other times he feared her response, but after he told her all that was in his heart, about how he has a plan now and that he loves her so completely, she would tell him "yes" very happily. And then the life that he had always wanted could begin.
Ben pulled open his desk drawer slowly. He smiled when he saw the box inside, it always made him smile because he knew with all his heart that this is what he wanted- to make Felicity his wife. He opened the box, and looked at the ring. It was not as big as he had hoped for, since he was not exactly wealthy, and only a student, but he still felt it was perfect. It was a simple diamond ring, but it was picked with such love and he knew that she would love it. Now, he thought, when will I ask her?
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"Noel! Stop it! Of course, you will find a job, you just have to keep looking, "said Felicity as she sat at the counter eating a bowl of cereal. Noel had just told her he is afraid he would never find a job in NY, that he felt his only chance for a good career had vanished when the job in Seattle fell through.
"I just don't know what else to do, I have sent my resume to every graphic design and advertising firm in this city and still no job offers. I am beginning to think no one wants me," Noel said with a dejected look on his face.
Felicity looked at him with exasperation and said "Noel, that is ridiculous. Don't let the job search start making you feel bad about yourself. It's just not worth it. Just keep doing what you are doing, and something good will come your way. I am sure of it."
"Really? You think so?" asked Noel with a small smile on his face.
"Of course, I am serious. I know you, and I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to be patient, that's all, said Felicity as she stood up to put the cereal bowl in the sink. "Now, can we please change the subject?"
Noel smiled at her, with a lovesick expression on his face as she turned away from him. "Sure. So what do you want to do today? You want to go to a movie or something?"
"A movie, no. You need to get back out on the streets and pound the pavement looking for a job. And I promised Professor Morton I would help her with a project at the museum, "Felicity said as she grabbed her coat. As she turned back, she caught Noel staring at her.
"Are you liking that job, I mean working at the museum? I never thought you'd do something like that," said Noel.
"What do you mean? I love museums and I love art, so it's the perfect thing. Plus, I just loved working with her last summer. We got to work with Quincy Calhoun, this amazing artist. And this summer I'm having a blast and learning so much, "she said emphatically. She didn't like that Noel kept badgering her about this job helping Professor Morton, it was like he was annoyed she had a job to do and couldn't spend every moment with him. And now she was somewhat uncomfortable, having seen him staring at her. "Besides, it keeps me busy and that helps with missing Ben and all."
Noel rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in frustration. "Ugh, there's that word again-Ben. I thought you weren't going to mention him every single conversation we have."
"Of course I will mention him every time we talk, he is my boyfriend and I love him. You know that. Plus, all I said was I wouldn't just talk about him. I know that can get pretty boring," she said with a big grin, as she thought about her handsome Ben.
"Fine, go ahead and leave, enough about Ben. It makes me cringe, too much love talk," said Noel as he got up and headed into his room.
Felicity left the loft and started to walk towards the subway. As she walked she thought about Ben, and what he was doing this moment. Was he studying or in class? Did he miss her as much as she missed him? Sometimes she had no idea how she functions with him so far away from her. She longs to come home to him and be held in his strong arms. But here they are, spending another summer apart. She sighed when she thought about their separation. But it made her proud to think of him off pursuing this EMT training. She felt certain when he told her about it, that it was something he really wanted to do. Yet part of her had wanted to ask him to stay, but she knew that wasn't right. But why hadn't she gone with him? She knows she said she felt she'd be in his way and that they wouldn't have any time together, but at least she could sleep next to him each night. Sleeping in his bed all alone was so lonely, she missed waking up in the middle of the night and seeing his arms around her. He always did that, reached for her, as if she were his security blanket. And he was hers, she thought with a smile.
But they had come so close to losing it all, she thought as she waited for the subway. He had gone to South Hampton with Avery and she had feared that she was losing him. When he had not returned with her, she had to admit she was very hurt, she thought that meant he was confused about his love for her. But then he had returned and told her he had only been confused about the experience he had with Avery, watching her be brought back to life. And she knew now he was likely thinking about the paramedics and how amazing it was to watch them bring Avery back. She knew he had been searching for some purpose in life, even if he hadn't ever mentioned it to her. She suspected he felt like he lacked in comparison to Noel, because of how her mother had acted. But she hoped he knew that she never compared him to Noel. Noel is just her friend and Ben, he could do anything, whatever he wanted in life and she would be happy to stand by him as he did it. She had such faith in him, and just hoped he had the same.
She did think sometimes about their love for each other and whether Ben was having second thoughts. She knew that was silly, but when he went away with Avery and was so upset about his test, she feared the worst, that he didn't love her anymore. But she knew that was because she never quite believed how lucky she had gotten, that she was actually in love with and dating the man of her dreams. She couldn't believe that after following him to NY like some stalker, he had fallen in love with her. She was amazed at how much he seemed to adore her and she often felt she was dreaming when she saw the look of love in his eyes as he gazed at her. So she knew in her heart that he loved her, but she worried he had some fear, a fear that he had not shared with her. She had thought often of just asking him, but stopped out of fear it would upset him, to hear her ask if he was afraid. He still held a lot inside of him, he had gotten better at sharing parts of himself with her, but she knew there were still things on his mind that he had not revealed. She could see it in how he sat and stared at the TV, yet had no actual awareness of what was going on the show he was watching. She figured he had a lot to think about, with all that he had gone through as a child and with how poorly he had left things with his dad.
As she entered the museum, she thought to herself, "only eight more hours until I can call him and see how his day went." Ben's voice...just thinking about it brought a smile to her face. She had been thinking of a trip to Kansas City to surprise him, but had not selected a date yet, as every day he was so busy and she didn't want to interrupt his studies. But, she really needed to see him, Noel was driving her crazy and she just wanted to be in Ben's arms, where she always felt safe.
Ben entered his small dorm room after yet another long day of EMT training and classes. He was exhausted, but he felt increasingly proud of himself for coming to Kansas City and beginning the pursuit of a career. He never would have thought that emergency medicine would be an interest of his, but it just felt right and that made him feel good. Nothing had ever felt right for him, well, except for being with Felicity, which always made him feel complete. But he meant in terms of studying and college, he moaned at the thought of how many years he had wasted, not declaring a major or having a focused path to work towards. He hoped this new focus would make him feel better about his plans, that he would indeed have a future with Felicity.
He often marveled at the fact that he was still in a committed relationship with her, she never ceased to amaze him and fill him with complete and utter joy. She was the best thing that ever happened to him that he was sure of. But, he had almost lost her and for that he would always feel horrible. He still wondered why he had gone to South Hampton with Avery. When he thought about what he put Felicity through, he cringed and was disgusted with himself. He had told her that it was because he felt a connection to Avery, since he had seen her brought back to life. But he knew that wasn't all of it. He wondered why he couldn't tell her the whole truth, sometimes he was just afraid of what she'd say, of losing her. He shook his head, filled with regret. He knew now going with Avery had been a bad decision, an awful mistake. And he had hurt Felicity, which is something he never wanted to do. . He sat down at his desk and started to put his books away for the night. He sat there for some time, sorting through his thoughts. He often did this, sat and thought about why he felt certain ways or did certain things. And with this situation, he knew it was related to how he never quite understood why Felicity loved him as much as she does, despite what to him seemed like overwhelming flaws. There was the fact he had kept this academic probation from her, which he still felt horrible about. And he felt that his lack of a future plan, as her mother's recent visit had pointed out, was disappointing to her. The mere thought that he was a disappointment to her was overwhelming, he wanted so much to make her proud of him. But he was not sure he knew how.
He would never forget how in awe he was of her when she showed up at South Hampton and declared her love for him. He remembered standing there in utter shock, at how intense her feelings for him were, at how she would follow him all that way just to tell him that she loved him. He was speechless, and he had no idea how to respond. He couldn't believe what he had said, that he was still confused. A voice inside him told him to grab her and tell her that he loves her, too and that he is so amazed by her, but so scared she is disappointed in him. That she wishes he was smarter or had a plan in life.
But, he didn't. She had gone and he was left there with a thousand thoughts racing through his head, all about her and how incredible he thought she was. But how he feared that his love for her wasn't enough. He feared he would let her down, that he would hurt her. And yet that is what he had done by coming there with Avery and being so confused. When all he needed to do was share with her his concerns and they could work it out. They still had not really talked about all that had happened. He had decided to leave for this training and they were spending yet another summer apart. "How did this happen?", Ben wondered. He never wanted to be away from her again.
And the next time he saw her he was determined to talk to her about all of his worries and just have faith that she would still love him. He needed to empty out his soul to his true love, he needed that so badly. Sometimes he didn't even know how he had lived before he met her. He trusted her completely. And he had decided something the other day, that despite all his fears, he was certain of one thing- that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He will tell her simply that he loves her and no matter how scared he is sometimes, he knows that he is safe and a much better person because of her. So, he decided to do it, to take the big plunge, and ask Felicity to marry him.
It was a huge decision, but he knew in his heart that it was right and what he wanted more than anything. He knew what she would say, too, or at least he was fairly certain he knew what she'd say. Other times he feared her response, but after he told her all that was in his heart, about how he has a plan now and that he loves her so completely, she would tell him "yes" very happily. And then the life that he had always wanted could begin.
Ben pulled open his desk drawer slowly. He smiled when he saw the box inside, it always made him smile because he knew with all his heart that this is what he wanted- to make Felicity his wife. He opened the box, and looked at the ring. It was not as big as he had hoped for, since he was not exactly wealthy, and only a student, but he still felt it was perfect. It was a simple diamond ring, but it was picked with such love and he knew that she would love it. Now, he thought, when will I ask her?
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"Noel! Stop it! Of course, you will find a job, you just have to keep looking, "said Felicity as she sat at the counter eating a bowl of cereal. Noel had just told her he is afraid he would never find a job in NY, that he felt his only chance for a good career had vanished when the job in Seattle fell through.
"I just don't know what else to do, I have sent my resume to every graphic design and advertising firm in this city and still no job offers. I am beginning to think no one wants me," Noel said with a dejected look on his face.
Felicity looked at him with exasperation and said "Noel, that is ridiculous. Don't let the job search start making you feel bad about yourself. It's just not worth it. Just keep doing what you are doing, and something good will come your way. I am sure of it."
"Really? You think so?" asked Noel with a small smile on his face.
"Of course, I am serious. I know you, and I know that you can do anything you set your mind to. You just have to be patient, that's all, said Felicity as she stood up to put the cereal bowl in the sink. "Now, can we please change the subject?"
Noel smiled at her, with a lovesick expression on his face as she turned away from him. "Sure. So what do you want to do today? You want to go to a movie or something?"
"A movie, no. You need to get back out on the streets and pound the pavement looking for a job. And I promised Professor Morton I would help her with a project at the museum, "Felicity said as she grabbed her coat. As she turned back, she caught Noel staring at her.
"Are you liking that job, I mean working at the museum? I never thought you'd do something like that," said Noel.
"What do you mean? I love museums and I love art, so it's the perfect thing. Plus, I just loved working with her last summer. We got to work with Quincy Calhoun, this amazing artist. And this summer I'm having a blast and learning so much, "she said emphatically. She didn't like that Noel kept badgering her about this job helping Professor Morton, it was like he was annoyed she had a job to do and couldn't spend every moment with him. And now she was somewhat uncomfortable, having seen him staring at her. "Besides, it keeps me busy and that helps with missing Ben and all."
Noel rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in frustration. "Ugh, there's that word again-Ben. I thought you weren't going to mention him every single conversation we have."
"Of course I will mention him every time we talk, he is my boyfriend and I love him. You know that. Plus, all I said was I wouldn't just talk about him. I know that can get pretty boring," she said with a big grin, as she thought about her handsome Ben.
"Fine, go ahead and leave, enough about Ben. It makes me cringe, too much love talk," said Noel as he got up and headed into his room.
Felicity left the loft and started to walk towards the subway. As she walked she thought about Ben, and what he was doing this moment. Was he studying or in class? Did he miss her as much as she missed him? Sometimes she had no idea how she functions with him so far away from her. She longs to come home to him and be held in his strong arms. But here they are, spending another summer apart. She sighed when she thought about their separation. But it made her proud to think of him off pursuing this EMT training. She felt certain when he told her about it, that it was something he really wanted to do. Yet part of her had wanted to ask him to stay, but she knew that wasn't right. But why hadn't she gone with him? She knows she said she felt she'd be in his way and that they wouldn't have any time together, but at least she could sleep next to him each night. Sleeping in his bed all alone was so lonely, she missed waking up in the middle of the night and seeing his arms around her. He always did that, reached for her, as if she were his security blanket. And he was hers, she thought with a smile.
But they had come so close to losing it all, she thought as she waited for the subway. He had gone to South Hampton with Avery and she had feared that she was losing him. When he had not returned with her, she had to admit she was very hurt, she thought that meant he was confused about his love for her. But then he had returned and told her he had only been confused about the experience he had with Avery, watching her be brought back to life. And she knew now he was likely thinking about the paramedics and how amazing it was to watch them bring Avery back. She knew he had been searching for some purpose in life, even if he hadn't ever mentioned it to her. She suspected he felt like he lacked in comparison to Noel, because of how her mother had acted. But she hoped he knew that she never compared him to Noel. Noel is just her friend and Ben, he could do anything, whatever he wanted in life and she would be happy to stand by him as he did it. She had such faith in him, and just hoped he had the same.
She did think sometimes about their love for each other and whether Ben was having second thoughts. She knew that was silly, but when he went away with Avery and was so upset about his test, she feared the worst, that he didn't love her anymore. But she knew that was because she never quite believed how lucky she had gotten, that she was actually in love with and dating the man of her dreams. She couldn't believe that after following him to NY like some stalker, he had fallen in love with her. She was amazed at how much he seemed to adore her and she often felt she was dreaming when she saw the look of love in his eyes as he gazed at her. So she knew in her heart that he loved her, but she worried he had some fear, a fear that he had not shared with her. She had thought often of just asking him, but stopped out of fear it would upset him, to hear her ask if he was afraid. He still held a lot inside of him, he had gotten better at sharing parts of himself with her, but she knew there were still things on his mind that he had not revealed. She could see it in how he sat and stared at the TV, yet had no actual awareness of what was going on the show he was watching. She figured he had a lot to think about, with all that he had gone through as a child and with how poorly he had left things with his dad.
As she entered the museum, she thought to herself, "only eight more hours until I can call him and see how his day went." Ben's voice...just thinking about it brought a smile to her face. She had been thinking of a trip to Kansas City to surprise him, but had not selected a date yet, as every day he was so busy and she didn't want to interrupt his studies. But, she really needed to see him, Noel was driving her crazy and she just wanted to be in Ben's arms, where she always felt safe.