Chapter 6

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B

Cloud needed cheering up. The next item on the list was a complete collection of 1/35 scale replica soldiers, and he just plain couldn't find the things. He felt he'd combed the world pretty thoroughly during his quest to save the world, collecting every worthless trinket he found, but in the end, he had only come away with two of the prized toy soldiers.

"Remind me again why we're looking for these dolls," said Yuffie as she looted the closet of some poor sap whose only crime was living in Junon.

"They're action figures," Cloud replied.

"They look like dolls to me."

"Well, they're not. They're perfect replicas of the famed Junon 51st Infantry, which racked up over four hundred kills during the war with Wutai and became the darlings of the locals."

"I heard that at least three hundred of their body count were women and children."

"They're heroes! Four hundred kills!"

"Dead civilians shouldn't count."

"They're still famous."

"That they are. And now they're famous as dolls."

"Action figures! With kung fu grip!"

"What the heck does that even mean?"

"I don't know. I just know I didn't play with dolls."

"Whatever. See anything?"

"Not yet."

"This is getting frustrating. Is there any part of the world we haven't searched for these stupid dolls?"
"Action figures."

"Is there any part of the world we haven't searched for them?"

"I can't think of any."

"Do we look again?"

"On second thought, I can think of someplace we haven't looked."

"Where?"
"Someplace nice. They've got everything."

"Is it…?"

"Yes."

Cloud felt a chill run down his spine.

XXX

HotSexyNinja894 logged into can't believe we're doing this," said Cloud. "I've never known a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than eBay."

"We must be cautious," Yuffie said without looking away from the monitor.

"You do know that last time I tried buying something on eBay I got scammed out of over 100,000 Gil, right?"

"Was that when you put down that bid for the sword-chucks? You know those aren't real."

"I swear they are! Serapis himself showed them to me."

"Serapis is not real."

"But…"

"Neither is Icelus, Phobetor, or Phantasos. You were sleeping off a night of boozing."

"Was not."

"Were too. You looked practically dead on the couch for almost a day. I could still see the imprint you left for a week. And Tifa almost killed you when she found out."

"She doesn't mind my boozing."

"Then why did she scribble vulgar and insulting phrases all over your face in magic marker when you were too far gone to do anything about it?"

Cloud had no answer for that.

"So, uh, do you see anything yet?"

"I'm surfing around. Something will turn up."

"Why don't you click this button?"

Cloud pointed to a red skull and crossbones in the corner of the webpage, with a caption reading, "Click here to hunt for forbidden and evil artifacts. Disclaimer: is not responsible for any evil that may occur as a result of purchasing one of these artifacts. All curses, hexes, assorted side effects, and other user unhappiness are not the responsibility of and you have been warned."

"Eh, why not?"

The computer coughed and sputtered for a bit ("I hate dialup," Yuffie thought) and finally spit out an appetizer of assorted forbidden relics. Cloud's eyes lit up.

Item 33342983

Listed by: HeartilyCutiePie

Rinoa's Special Love potion

Guaranteed to make even the coldest potential significant other fall madly in love with you no matter how little he cared before. Use with caution.

Current bid: G53000 – DonaldInAcupulco

Item 2349823

Listed by: VengeanceIsDyne

Right arm of Barret Wallace

Like new. Some gangrene. Makes a good wall decoration.

Current bid: G4000 – TaxidermyIsMyLife3

Item 6912392

Listed by: ZackZombie

Buster Sword

Good condition, but seen some action. Traces of blood still on tip.

Current bid: G600000 – MadSephirothCloner

Item 9994666

Listed by: DeepFrozen

Robot Devil's hands

Excellent for writing opera, and what better way to win over the girl that you idolize than with the hands of an automaton?

Current bid: G6666666 – DancesInThePaleMoonlight

Item 5297838

Listed by: RedNotCommie

Fine comb collection

Make your hair or fur coat shine with these brilliant combs. Also good for showing your enemies who's boss. Great for tough hair.

Current bid: G8760 – Tlockhart

Item 9538588

Listed by: ArtAppreciation

Relm Arrowny's left ear

I cut it off myself, and I'm hoping a fan will appreciate a souvenir. Only one other like it in the world.

Current bid: G150000 – StarryNight

Item 2244913

Listed by: HitchcocksGhost

The Art of Directing Movies by A. Hitchcock

Still in manuscript form. Rare.

Current bid: G90000 – THX1138

Item 9838335

Listed by: FreeSkies

Cid Highwind's Guide to Proper Etiquette by Cid Highwind

Includes how to swear in fifteen different languages. Forward by Ozzy Osborne.

Current bid: G400 – AngstyTeenPoet44632

"No sword-chucks." Cloud pouted. "Some other good stuff, though."

Yuffie ignored him and clicked on the listing for Rinoa's Special Love Potion.

"What's that for? You already have me, don't you?"

"I do, but I have plans for it."

"If you're cheating on me, I'll…"

"Relax. I'm going to use it to make the Wutai material dealer fall in love with me and give me a discount."

"Discount? I thought you just stole from him."

"I did, but he caught on and had security beefed up."

"Security that even you can't beat?"

"He put an Air Supply tape on endless loop over the store PA system. I can hardly even walk in the door anymore."

"Have you considered ear plugs?"

"I – Hey, that's not a half bad idea!"

"It's wrong to manipulate people's feelings like that, too. Love potions should be used responsibly or not at all."

"Thievery is honorable."

"But is it responsible of you?"

"I assure you that whenever something in Wutai gets stolen, I'm responsible."

"Gotcha."

"And speaking of material, what about those dolls we were looking for?"

"Action figures. And try the next page."

Item 0192018

Listed by: CStrife

Superstick Hair Gel

This stuff keeps my hair nice and spiky, even with my active lifestyle.

Current bid: G5000 – CloudFanGrrl8843

Item 9102915

Listed by: CStrife

Silk dress

Comes with diamond tiara, sexy cologne, blonde wig, makeup, and bikini briefs. Makes you feel like a natural woman.

Current bid: G9000 – BlitzBallChampTidus

Still nothing useful, but Cloud still felt compelled to assume command of the mouse and click over to the next page before Yuffie could see some of the even more disturbing items listed by CStrife.

"There!" said Yuffie.

Sure enough.

Item 5590392

Listed by: CollectorDio

Complete collection of 1/35 replica Junon soldiers

They're all here, and I'm willing to part with them for a price.

Current bid: G100000 – Elena

Yuffie called Elena a nasty name.

"She can't hear you, you know." Cloud entered a counter bid.

"Yeah, but it's still true."

"Look, could we just get this over with? Bidding ends in…" Cloud checked. "Fifteen minutes."

"Good timing."

"Are we officially sniping her?"

"Yep."

"Let's celebrate with some champagne."

"Let's." Yuffie pulled out some glasses and a bottle of rum.

"Champagne, I said."

"What's the difference?"

She was just about to pour herself a glass when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Cloud froze at the voice on the other end. "Tifa?"