Feast in the delight of Part IV :P

AnimeDutchess: I know, it's funny :) Never fear, an update is here!

OblivionKeeper: sigh How rude. (It's OK for me to talk to her like that 'cause she's Deranged Fangirl Number Two and if she gets mad I can always cut her from the fic :P)

hurkydoesntknow: Yeah, I know, it stands for Joanne Kathleen Rowling. DYK that Kathleen was JKR's grandmother's name :P And yes, it is hilarious, isn't it :)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything depicted in this Fic, blah blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera. So don't sue me. Ya hear?

After this chapter is uploaded, I'll be working on purging typos from Parts I, II, III, and IV. ;) Then I'll update ;)

NOTE: I had to be a little bit evil to Riku in the chapter, but only to advance the story. But it's OK, because it's really Sora being evil :P

WARNING: Lots of Kairi-bashing throughout, some Sora-bashing, some McDonald's-food-bashing. And a small bit of humorous, story-advancing Riku-bashing (gets beaten up by Riku fans)

The Crazies and the Loonies and the... Other Crazies

Part IV - A New Hope (No, Wait, That's Star Wars!)

Riku, the author, and Sora appeared in Hogwarts. In Dumbledore's office, Sora and Riku held slips of paper showing the House they would best fit into. ...Sort of.

"Slythedor?" Riku asked.

"The House for those who are kind of evil, but also good," stated the author.

"Uh... Idiodumb?" Sora asked.

"Oh, sorry. Wrong House," the author replied, handing Sora another slip of paper.

"Lookatme Iamthe Purplesandwichmonster," read Sora.

Riku laughed. "I didn't know you were the Purple Sandwich Monster! Why didn't you tell me?"

"What?" Sora was confused.

"Never mind," the author corrected himself. "Your house is Idiodumb, Sora."

"Is that Latin or something?" Sora asked.

"Uh... you might say so," the author replied, rolling his eyes. He then muttered to Riku, "It's lucky I scripted this whole story, or Sora would be driving me up the wall."

"What, are you immune to gravity?" Sora panicked. "I'll help you. GRAVITY!"

"Ow," ow-ed the pancake that was once the author.

"Wow," said Riku in awe. "I never knew one spell could squish an auhtor that's almost as amazing as... well, me!"

"Okay, Mr. Brag-a-lot," is what Sora meant to say. But the author decided to twist his words for plot reasons, making Sora say:

"---- you, Riku," Sora said.

"WHAT?" Riku screamed. "I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PG-RATED FANFIC! AND YOU INSULTED ME!" He took on a Terminator voice. "You must pay!"

Riku, in his anger, transformed into Dark Riku, took out his Soul Eater, and-

"NO!" Dumbledore and the author yelled. "DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU DID THAT? YOU'RE GROUNDED, EVEN THOUGH HOGWARTS HAS NO SUCH THING AS BEING GROUNDED!"

Riku hung his head and both he and Sora strolled to their House dorms, which magically appeared with no apparent reason.

After all the characters had gotten a chance to read past when Riku and Sora go to the dorms, the story continued. Sora and Riku were still in their dorms, where they both sat, huffing and puffing and willing to make utter fools of themselves for the chance to hurt the other one... badly. So the author decided to let them make utter fools of themselves for the chance to hurt each other... badly. Actually, the author only wanted Sora to get hurt... badly. He was concerned with Riku getting hurt... badly. Well, he would be, if there wasn't that spell that makes Riku immune to getting hurt at all, but particularly getting hurt... badly. And Riku has just told the author that if the author didn't stop saying that, he would hurt the author... badly. So the author will shut up, or risk being hurt... badly.

Ow!

Anyways...

The author entered Riku's House. "You know, I bet you want to hurt Sora... badly."

"Yeah, I do!" Riku replied eagerly. "But how?"

"I can set it up so you can hurt him... badly," the author lied. And the same conversation took place between the author and Sora.

Sora walked into the Great Hall, wearing a chicken suit. "Where's Riku?" he asked, looking and sounding utterly stupid.

Riku walked into the Great Hall, wearing a chicken suit. "Where's Sora?" he asked, looking and sounding utterly... well, let's just say that the girls were literally throwing themselves at Riku.

"Oof!" a random girl cried, falling from the ceiling onto the ground next to Riku. "I told Parvati that these paper feathers wouldn't work..."

"Parvati?" Riku questioned. "Isn't she that weird girl that dresses up like molds, funguses, and... wait, Kairi is a fungus."

"Riku?" Sora meant to ask, but the author decided to have a bit more fun...

"You look like a chicken!" Sora yelled. "An ugly chicken."

Suddenly, the 70 of fans of KH who were Riku fan(atic)s rushed into Hogwarts, beat up Sora, and rushed back to Earth. Except Deranged Fangirls Numbers One and Two, who came in, beat up Sora, quickly worshipped Riku, and then left.

"That was entertaining," Riku joked. "Strange, but entertaining."

"I'm... O... K..." Sora mumbled in pain.

"If that's OK," Riku remarked, "I'd hate to see not OK."

"But... I... am..." Sora replied in pain.

Riku stood on Sora's back and began doing jumping jacks...

Sora lay unconscious as Riku continued: "1, 056, 731... 1, 056, 732..."

The author was bored by now, so he decided to make Riku float in the air.

"I'M FLYING!" Riku exclaimed, flying across the Great Hall. "HAHA! HOGWARTS IS MINE!"

"I think I created a monster," the author murmured.

"I'm... O... K... I think..." Sora remarked in pain.

"BWAHAHAHAHAA!" Riku laughed, flying through the air. "I RULE YOU ALL! YOU ARE MY SLAVES! DANCE! DANCE FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Everyone stood there in awe.

"Aw..." everyone murmured.

"AWE. A-W-E," the author confirmed.

"Oh..." everyone said.

"DANCE!" And with that, Riku took out his Soul Eater and shot a beam of light at Neville, turning him into a flobberworm doing the tango. "EVERYBODY DANCE!"

And with that, everyone - including the author - danced. Most of them, badly.

I think you know what happens next. Riku takes over the author and makes him write things that favor Riku. And... you're right!

Riku sat on the Headmaster's Chair in the Great Hall. That's right - on. Literally. He was sitting on the peak of the chair. And it was giving him a wedgie.

"Fix that or I'll turn you into fried chicken!" Riku threatened.

Riku disappeared and reappeared in the seat of the chair.

"Girls!" Riku ordered.

Several female Hogwarts students ran up to Riku, each holding a large fan-shaped leaf, the kind you'd see in the jungle. All began fanning Riku.

And then...

"AACK!" Riku screamed, for Dolores Jane Umbridge had just run up to Riku and had begun complimenting him... a lot.

"...and your eyes shine like early morning dew, and your skin is as soft as a baby's bottom, and your hair is like pure silver..." Umbridge continued in her very unpleasant, high-pitched voice.

"GET HER OUT OF HERE OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE NOT-SO-POOR SORA!" Riku screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing at an owl with spiky hair, stuck to the top of the Great Hall, upside-down, in a small cage exactly one inch in diameter.

Umbridge disappeared.

"Beach!" Riku ordered.

Everyone in Hogwarts suddenly appeared on a beach. Unluckily, it was the most popular beach in the world, in the hottest part of the day, at the peak of tourist season.

"DO YOU WANT TO BE McNUGGETS?"

"Okay. Tourists. Bad idea," the author replied, and everyone appeared on an island.

A guy ran up to him. "Hacer vos venir de Spain?" he asked desperately.

"Ninguino," the author stated in Spanish. "Nosotros venir de Inglend, Islas Destino, America, Irlandes, y Escocespais."

"Hacer vos tener por barco?" the guy asked.

"Ninguino," the author replied, "pero nosotros tener magia!"

"Vos tener magia?"

"Si!"

And with that, the author magicked the guy (and all the other nameless Spanish guys) to Spain, and himself, Riku, and everyone else to Hogwarts.

After days and days of agony, the people of Hogwarts came together to conspire against Riku...

"So we want pepperoni on our pizza, not extra cheese," the author helped conspire. "We want only the regular amount of cheese!"

"Uh..." a breathy voice piped up from the back of the room. "I like extra cheese..."

Suddenly, he turned into McNuggets.

"RIKU!" everyone panicked.

"EVASIVE PLAN TWENTY THREE Q FOUR FOUR FIVE!" the author screamed in an orderly fashion. "EVASIVE PLAN TWENTY THREE Q FOUR FOUR FIVE!"

Harry ran to a poster for "THE WEIRD SISTERS", pulled it off the wall, and slammed his hand on the button behind it. Quickly, the whole room's posters of OVERTHROW RIKU were replaced by "Happy Bunny" posters with slogans such as "You're ugly and that's sad" or "I hear the other icky people calling you".

Riku flew into the room. "Did I hear someone ordering pizza? I want extra cheese!"

The same breathy voice came from another spot in the room. "I like only the regular amount of cheese..."

Suddenly, the McNuggets with a breathy voice turned into McNuggets with a bite taken out of them, courtesy of the roadkill that was once Sora: "Mm, mm, good!"

But then the roadkill blew up like Aunt Marge.

"That's what you get for SuperSizing it!" Riku laughed. "Let's have more fun."

There was a sudden pop, followed by Sora's voice: "No! My little piggy spleen!"

"You have - had - a 'little piggy spleen'?" Riku laughed.

"If you... must know..." Sora gasped in pain, "I had... a transplant... because mine... busted..."

"So..." Riku laughed, "...your spleen busted, then you got a transplant, then your 'little piggy spleen' busted? What happened to the little piggy?"

"It turned into a blimp for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade," Sora gasped in pain.

"How'd it get all the way from the Islands, to New York?" Riku joked.

"I told you," Sora answered, "that it turned into a blimp."

"Uh..."

The author took advantage of this moment to take away Riku's powers, and Dumbledore walked into the room.

"Riku, Sora, I'd like to see you in my office," he said.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "You two have been such pains in the $$ that I've decided to give you something to bribe you to go away."

"OOOH... WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT WHAT IS IT?" Sora asked, (literally) bouncing off the walls. "I MAY SOUND LIKE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD GIRL BUT I'M NOT BECAUSE I'M A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD BOY AND FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLDS ARE DIFFERENT FROM EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS BECAUSE THERE'S A SIX-YEAR-DIFFERENCE, AND BOYS ARE DIFFERENT FROM GIRLS BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T MENTION WITHOUT MAKING THIS FIC "M" RATED, AND A LONG TIME AGO I WAS AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD AND NOW I'M A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD AND I'M A BOY NOW AND I'VE NEVER BEEN A GIRL AND RIGHT NOW WE'RE HERE AND WE'RE WITH US AND WE'RE ALL WITH EACH OTHER AND I LIKE TO EAT CREDIT CARDS!"

"So... uh..." Dumbledore muttered. "Here. Leave." He handed Riku a jumprope and the author magicked them to the Destiny Islands.

Kairi continued to sing until Riku pulled out the jumprope. "OOOH!" she ooh-ed. "I LIKE JUMPROPE!" And with that, she began jumping rope... faster than the speed of light.

THREE SECONDS LATER

"Okay, I'm done!" Kairi exclaimed. "Let's do kareoke!"

"How many times did you jump?" Sora asked.

"3, 573, 720," Kairi answered.

But then, she tripped over her jumprope and it tore in half.

"WAAA!" Kairi cried. "I BROKE MY JUMPROPE!" She began weeping noisily and annoyingly with no end in sight.

"I guess we're on another quest," Riku remarked.

I'll be un-typo-ing the first four Parts before I add Part V ;) So don't worry. :)