Chapter 12: Love that he Deserves
It had been an awkward journey, travelling in silence, but luckily Sano didn't have much time to feel awkward for before long they were pulling up outside the local police station. Sano frowned, now very curious and slightly worried about what they were doing outside of this place of all places, and was about to ask when Aoshi got out the car.
"Follow me." Was his only instruction, so Sano got up out the car, the car bleeping twice to indicate its alarm had been set, and followed Aoshi into the main lobby, deciding with this attitude of his to probably keep his mouth shut for the moment.
Sano had been into this police station a few times before when he was at school and his previous college. He had been better at controlling his anger recently, but back then he had been sent here for beating up people in class when the teachers couldn't control him any longer. He'd been such a handful back then, but since meeting Kenshin he'd calmed down a lot-…. Sano's stomach sank. Kenshin. Everything reminded him of Kenshin.
"OoOOOOooo Sany!"
Sano's stomach seemed to sink even further at that voice. He recognized that voice all too well, but then he frowned, suddenly wondering why the hell…
"Kamatari?" he exclaimed, "Why the hell are you in a police…..station…" Sano trailed off, glaring unbelievingly at Kamatari, hand cuffed with his hands behind his back, being led towards a pair of swinging doors to the left of the main desk by two police men.
"Ahhh eh hahaha…." Kamatari laughed nervously as he was dragged away, "I got together with my old boyfriend, but I soon remembered why I had punched him in the first place and well… I punched him again…. and it, it kind of got out of hand…." he trailed off, grinning nervously as he nodded towards his captures, "Hey watch the heals!"
"You didn't put him in the hospital again did you?" Sano shouted after him as he was dragged away, ordering his captures to pay more attention to the state of his stilettos.
But at Sano's comment Kamatari seemed to stare at him for a moment, before a grin of pure joy came across his face, "Oooh you DO remember things I tell you! I always thought you weren't listening to me…" his voice finally went out of ear shot as he was dragged behind the double doors and out of sight.
The momentary distraction from Kenshin had been nice, but it didn't last because as soon as Kamatari had gone, Soujirou walked through those same doors, spotting himself and Aoshi and walking over to them.
"This way." Soujirou said, and Sano guessed it was him Aoshi had called on his mobile, although why he wasn't sure just yet. In fact…why would Aoshi even have his number?
Sano followed behind Aoshi as Soujirou led them down a long corridor and up a flight of stairs on the left. Passing light brown office doors with small square windows in them, some with names of officers underneath or names of departments, they finally came to a door with no window that Soujirou opened and led them through.
It was a dark room, one small slit of a window right at the very top, and a single light bulb on the ceiling. The walls were a dark stone grey, and there was nothing in the room but a small steel table, which looked like it was fixed to the floor, and four steel, and very uncomfortable looking chairs.
"I'm sorry about the room, it was the only place we could go without being interrupted." Soujirou apologised, as he shut the door behind them.
Sano guessed as soon as he walked through the door this was an interrogation room. The uncomfortable furniture, the bleak surroundings, well, it was supposed to make perpetrators feel pressured after all.
So what the hell were they doing in there?
"Er…what exactly is going on?" Sano asked carefully, deciding now was the time to ask.
Aoshi motioned for him to sit down, which he did obediently, the other two sitting on the chairs the other side of the table, making Sano suddenly feel like he really was a perpetrator about to be interrogated.
The air was thick with an uncomfortable silence, Aoshi seeming to gather his thoughts, while Soujirou just looked to one side.
"You remember what I told you about why I never asked Kenshin about his past don't you?" Aoshi finally said, and Sano looked at him, Aoshi's eyes seeming sad. "No one can change their past, no matter how much they may desperately want to. Whatever Kenshin may have done, the outcome of it was the man that you fell in love with. Everyone has secrets, may they be big or small, they are called secrets because the person keeping that secret does not want others to know, because they are afraid of what people will think of them, remember?" Sano looked away, remembering Aoshi's same little speech before. "Kenshin's secret eats away at him. I know this because this has happened before with Soujirou here."
"Yeah, I know this story." Sano said, Soujirou finally looking at him, not quite expecting him to know about him and Kenshin.
Soujirou had a sad look in his usually bright eyes as he spoke, "Do you know what I did?"
"You left." Sano replied bluntly, looking back straight at him, "Just like I have."
"I did more than just leave him," Soujirou continued, Sano frowning, "Kenshin thought he had found someone who would accept him no matter what he may have done in his past. He loved me, and he knew I loved him back. So he told me, by choice. He told me everything, and do you know what I did?"
Sano stayed quiet. Soujirou turned away for a moment, before looking back at him, years worth of guilt showing in his eyes.
"I shouted straight to his face that I hated him."
Sano blinked, his heart suddenly beating a little slower than usual.
"Barely half an hour before, I had asked him to marry me." Soujirou paused at the memory, a memory he'd played over and over in his mind many a time before. "How do you think that made Kenshin feel? How would you feel if that had happened to you? The one person that you loved more than anything on this planet, the one person who you truly believed would be the one to love you no matter what your past held…how would you feel if that person said straight to your face that they hated you, then turned around and walked away, never to see you again?"
Sano's heart suddenly felt like it was clenching in his chest, that strange feeling from earlier when he was telling himself he didn't love Kenshin, had returned. He looked down at the table, his breathing shallow.
"I had never seen Kenshin cry so much as he did that night." Aoshi said, rejoining the conversation as Soujirou again looked away, guilt ridden at Aoshi's statement, "He was completely heartbroken. He had put every bit of his trust in Soujirou and he had walked away."
The room fell silent again, as if they were waiting for Sano to react. When no one said anything though, Sano looked back up at them, "Why are you telling me all this?" he asked quietly.
Aoshi watched Sano for a moment, Sano returning his gaze, "Tell me," he said quietly, "How did Kenshin tell you?"
"I found out." Sano replied gently, "I found a letter, but…but it didn't really make much sense, so I asked him about it. Told him to tell me everything." The image of Kenshin begging him to just forget it all flashed across his mind, and he raised his hand to his chest, the same part of his shirt where Kenshin had been clinging onto him. "He…he didn't want to tell me…but I said I'd leave if he didn't, so he gave in."
Aoshi sighed gently, rubbing his temples with his fingers for a moment and leaning back in his chair. Soujirou crossed his arms on the table and rested his head there, suddenly looking as though he wanted to be anywhere but in this situation.
"Well think about what has just happened between you and Kenshin." Aoshi said sternly, "Even knowing that there was a possibility that you would do the same thing as Soujirou did, even though he knew you might hate him and walk away, Kenshin still told you. He didn't have to, he could have let you walk away thinking he was nothing but a liar by not telling you, but I know what he's like. He loves you. His past is a secret that eats away at him, so as much as he would have hated to do it, he told you because he wanted you to know. You could have left, knowing nothing that Kenshin was simply lying, but if Kenshin hadn't told the person he loved about his past, it would just eat away at him more and more everyday. He told you because he loves you, and now once again, that person that he loves has shattered his hopes of having someone love him back."
Guilt. Guilt? Why was he feeling guilty? Sano's hand clutched as his shirt where Kenshin had held on so tightly. Why should he feel guilty? Kenshin's the one who murdered people, Kenshin's the one who was lying to him, Kenshin….Kenshin was the one in the wrong….
"I remember how lost and heartbroken he was when Soujirou had walked away; I remember how much he had loved him." Aoshi said gently, glancing down at Soujirou who was point blankly refusing to meet anyone's gaze now. "But to tell you his past, even after that, means that he truly is in love with you, even more than with him."
"How can you say all this?" Sano suddenly blurted out, glaring at him and making Soujirou jump slightly, sitting back in his chair, "You don't even know what he's done Aoshi!"
Why was it that bad feelings towards Kenshin were so difficult to maintain? He wanted to be angry, scared, any bad feeling that meant he could forget about Kenshin and what he'd heard. But the more he forced himself to hate him, the more he it felt like his heart was going to break in two, and Aoshi's sob story wasn't exactly helping! But how could Aoshi sit there and preach at him like this when he knew nothing of what Kenshin had done!
Sano had expected the strict teacher to snap back at him, but instead, Aoshi seemed to stare at him sadly, before it was his turn to turn away. He sat there deep in thought, as if trying to decide to say what was on his mind, before he sighed again, and turned back to Sano.
"…..I know he's a murderer."
Sano's eyes went wide, his glare turning into a simple unbelieving stare, "….What? You told me you didn't know anything."
Soujirou looked at Aoshi with a concerned gaze, as if asking if he was sure it was alright to say this.
"I know." Aoshi replied, "I lied. Megumi doesn't know. It's just me. When we found Kenshin on our doorstep that evening, he was plagued by so many nightmares. Having shared a room with him, during those nightmares I'd hear him cry out, begging his mother and father to forgive him….for killing them."
Sano's heart beat began to race a little faster at the mention of Kenshin's murdered parents. He suddenly felt like he had a million questions to ask Aoshi, like how he could have lived with someone he knew was a murderer? How could he be so protective over Kenshin? How could Aoshi sit there and tell him to go and love someone who killed their own parents in cold blood!
But as Aoshi fell silent, and Sano's mind was to overrun with shock, it was Soujirou's turn once again.
"What exactly did Kenshin tell you about his past?" he asked.
Sano paused, his vision passing from one man to the other, before fixing back down on the table, "He just told me that was an ex-assassin for the Yakuza, that he had killed so many people, and murdered his parents."
The room fell silent again, but after a few seconds, Soujirou almost seemed to smirk sadly, "That was it?"
Sano stared at him wide eyed, "Whaddya mean 'That was it?'!" he said loudly.
"He didn't tell you how old he was when he did this? He didn't tell you why he was doing it? Why he stopped doing it?"
Sano glared at him, "I'd just been told the person I'd been living with was a murderer! I wasn't exactly thinking of a line up of questions I just wanted to get outta there!" he said angrily.
Soujirou watched the rage in Sano's eye for a moment, before he lowered his head slightly, "Heh, I guess I was still the worst then."
"Huh?" Sano blinked, as Soujirou looked back up at him.
"You don't know everything just yet." Soujirou said quietly, "When Kenshin told me that day, he told me everything. Why he was with the Yakuza, the amount of unbearable regret he had for his actions, things that happened to him just before he left, the reason why he left, everything. What I did by leaving was so much worse. I literally knew everything and I still left, I never gave him a chance, so I can see now why he chose to only tell you the surface amount."
"I don't understand." Sano said, confused and now feeling slightly worried.
Soujirou seemed to smile gently at him, "He wanted to see how you would react with only knowing the bare essentials. There would be no point telling you every detail if you were going to run half way through. What he told you was the over view. If you couldn't forgive him for what he had done, there was no point in telling you everything else. That's why what I had done was so much worse. I knew, but I still ran. You didn't know any of the facts. What you heard was nothing compared to what's really going on in Kenshin's memories. I think that is one of Kenshins faults this time." He said sadly, "If you knew a little more of what had happened, you might not have left. By thinking, by testing if you would leave just by simply knowing he was a murderer, instead of in-sighting curiosity, all he did was scare you away."
The dimly lit room was once again left in silence, all manner of thoughts and feelings running through Sano's mind. He sat there, heartbeat feeling slower than normal, his breathing shallow again, and that burning guilt still flowing through him. But why? He didn't want to feel guilty….but the stupid thing was, he then felt guilty for not feeling guilty! No matter how many times he told himself to forget about Kenshin, to hate him, the more….the more love seemed to come through.
But he wouldn't give in just yet. Soujirou obviously had more information, and he needed to know the truth, the real truth about Kenshin before he made heads or tails of his feelings. Besides, if Soujirou said he hated Kenshin, then why was he sitting here looking just as guilty as Sano was unwittingly feeling?
"Alright," Sano said, "So tell me. Tell me everything you know. How old was he when he killed his parents?" His voice sounded cruel to his ears, but he needed to know, however horrible the question may be.
"He was 11 years old Sanosuke." Aoshi answered, and for a split second Sano's heart felt like it stopped beating all together, "It was a few nights after that that he left. He had been raised by the Yakuza practically from birth, his vision of right and wrong were distorted, but he knew what he had done was still wrong. Do you really believe, that if someone was malicious enough to kill for fun, that they would be plagued by nightmares like the ones that woke me up frequently at night with Kenshin's cries….that they would stop killing just because of one feeling of guilt…" Aoshi looked at him straight in the eyes, "…that that someone was capable of even falling in love?"
Sano said nothing.
"All I know," Soujirou said quietly, "Is that Kenshin worked as a body guard for the Kyoto Yakuza Boss, Yoshida. When Kenshin was eleven years old, the other city Bosses had found out that Kyoto was stealing children at birth, and raising them to be assassins. They may be the Yakuza, but even some of them, as it would seem, had a heart, because it was the Tokyo Boss Takahashi that had decided to put a stop to these child kidnappings. He had contacted Yoshida, feigning interest in wanting to join them in the idea of young assassins, and arranged to meet at Yoshida's mansion just outside of Kyoto, The Ellisman Mansion. But unfortunately both sides had other ideas. Both used this as an opportunity to defeat the other, so when the two bosses arrived at the mansion, so did their most efficient assassins. It was a blood bath." Soujirou suddenly glanced across at Aoshi before looking at the table, "Kenshin had told me that he had killed an undercover detective during the battle, someone who with our sources had heard about this meeting and had run, against orders, to infiltrate the meeting to find out what was happening with these missing babies and young children. I can only guess that he was found out as Kenshin knew he was a detective. Anyway," he coughed a little as he glanced at Aoshi again, who was looking away at the blank wall, "Kenshin's parents. I found out when I joined here that they had once been a powerful couple in the trading industry, very rich and well known, but when their business had started to fall, they had searched for help from the Yakuza who promised to get business up for them, in exchange for one thing."
Sano already knew what he was going to say, and he closed his eyes, an unbearable pain for Kenshin flowing through him.
"They wanted their 4 month old son, Kenshin, in exchange for keeping them in their high life lifestyle, keeping their reputation and money. So they sold Kenshin to the Yakuza, in exchange for keeping them in business."
Sano's anger was flaring, but this time not towards Kenshin. They had sold their own child…their own fucking child! How could they do something like that? How could people like that even exist in this world anymore? Selling your own child….surely no one, no matter how desperate they were for money, could possibly sell their own child? What were those people thinking?
It was then a thought suddenly found its way through the confusion. If Kenshin's parents had sold him…did Kenshin know that? Had the Yakuza told him? Argh, but there were already too many questions in his mind. By the time he'd thought of one he'd forgotten another, so he tried to will his mind to relax, or at least to stop imagining himself beating the crap out of Kenshin's parents.
He let his eyes fall back down to the table, his mind trying to take in so much information and emotions all at once.
"Anyway, it gets a little sketchy from here on, but somehow during the battle Kenshin's parents were there, and that's when he killed them. Why I don't know, why there were there in the first place I don't know, but it was Kenshin's guilt at what he had done that made him stop. But to think, that even someone who had been raised practically from birth by the Yakuza, who could probably swing a sword before he could walk, knowing nothing but violence, pain and anger, even someone like that, knew that deep inside him killing people was wrong. The battle at the Mansion was won by Yoshida, the few remaining of the Tokyo clan fleeing for their lives. But refusing to kill anymore obviously didn't make Yoshida very happy when Kenshin had told him. What happened to Kenshin within the two days from the battle to him leaving the Yakuza I don't know, but when he arrived on Aoshi's doorstep that night he was covered in blood, beaten up very badly so I'm told, and a reverse bladed sword lying next to him. The only other piece of information I have is that the man who had left Kenshin there was another Kyoto assassin by the name of Saito Hajime."
Sano sat there almost stupefied, staring at the table as if it would help him figure out his feelings. Kenshin had suffered through so much, his whole life had been in darkness, and Sano had just run away with the little bit of light Kenshin had managed to get from him. Kenshin had been so young, ridiculously young, how would he have known that killing was bad? But even so, he had figured it out in the end and stopped. He wanted to get away from that life, wanted to stop, he'd never been given the choice to have a normal life, never been loved, never had a friend, never anything.
"I've never told Kenshin that I know, it would be wrong." Aoshi said after the silence, "If he does ever want to tell me, then I will be there when he does."
"You've really known he was a murderer all this time?" Sano asked quietly.
"Since I was 13 years old." Aoshi replied, "It was a month after he had moved in when one of his nightmares gave away what he had done, that he had murdered his parents, and-" Aoshi seemed to catch himself, but the 'and' was so quiet Sano didn't seem to have noticed, and Aoshi continued on. "But do you see me running away from him? Saying that I hate him for not telling me the truth? No. Because Kenshin is the kindest person that I know, and I will do anything I can to keep those nightmares at bay. Admittedly, at first, I did hate him. But I kept quiet, as I was as a child, but as the years passed by, the more I saw that this gentle boy, this…kind smile he had, was not one that belonged to a murderer, but to someone that needed all the love and care that his new family could give him, to bring him away from his past."
Sano still stared hard at the table, not wanting to meet the eyes of the brother and ex-lover of the man that he….that he….. Sano screwed up his eyes shut for a moment. He couldn't even think it now….those harsh words….what was happening to him? He should hate Kenshin…he should…he's a murderer, you're supposed to hate murderers!
"But even if Megumi and I went to him now, it would mean nothing. We would not be able to console him. I wish I could, for as far as I'm concerned Kenshin is my little brother and I love him just as much as Megumi." Aoshi watched the younger man, sitting there rigidly, his eyes obviously lost in thought. "I know you love him," Aoshi said softly, "Or you wouldn't be sitting there letting us say all this."
Sano still remained quiet, his heart aching, crying out for Kenshin despite the minds resistance.
"Do you understand though, that what I did was even worse then you?" Soujirou said softly, "You simply jumped to conclusions, me, I knew everything, the real truth, .and I still left…still said I hated him. I knew everything and I ran away. I spent years forcing myself to hate Kenshin, forcing myself to hate him so much so it wouldn't hurt anymore, but every time I tried, all I saw was his smiling face, and the one of heartbreak as I ran away from him. But I couldn't go back…after screaming at him that I hated him like that…how could I possibly go back to him? So I forgot him, tried to move on, but no matter who I kidded myself into loving, I never felt like I loved them as much as I loved Kenshin. I was a coward. I had never told him that….that I forgave him, for everything he said, everything he did, that I had forgiven him."
Soujirou looked like he was close to tears as he spoke. "With you though, it's not too late. It's been too long with me, saying that I forgive him now won't do anything, it has to be from you, someone who has only just heard everything fresh in his mind. You know inside that you love him, now you know the truth, can you really believe the Kenshin that you love….the Kenshin that I loved…could really be a murderer now?" Soujirou's eyes shone with those tears, a few drops dripping down his cheeks, his voice sounding like every word was painful to speak, "I've caused him so much pain….please…save him…only you can be with him…only you can love him. He needs to hear you say…that you forgive him."
Soujirou wiped at his eyes, while Aoshi leant forward in his chair.
"When Soujirou ran away from Kenshin, I had caught up with him and demanded to know what had happened, why he had left. Soujirou told me everything we'd just told you, as all I'd known before was that he killed his own parents, now I knew everything, it did not change my feelings towards Kenshin, because I knew the Kenshin that lived today, not in the past."
Sano lowered his head, the bangs of his hair covering his eyes as he stared at the shiny metal table.
"You have to be the one to accept him," Aoshi said, a stern sort of kindness in his voice, "If you don't, Kenshin will never ever let anyone else into his heart. He'll be lost, and I do not want him ending up like that again. He needs you to love him. Remember, no matter how much he may want to, Kenshin cannot change his past, but you can help him have a future. You still love him, it's obvious that you do, and if Kenshin is ever going to need you more, now is the time. Forget about what you've found out about his past, it doesn't matter anymore, just remember the man that you fell in love with. I cannot do anything more for him now. The rest is up to you. The murderer in Kenshin died the day his parents did, you know very well that the Kenshin you fell in love with is not a murderer. You are the only one who can love him now. For Kenshin, you were his last chance at being happ-….Sanosuke?"
One after the other, tiny splashes were hitting the table's smooth surface, the tears dripping off Sano's cheeks, his heart clenching so painfully.
Both Aoshi and Soujirou watched him silently for a moment, before Aoshi lent forward in his chair. "Look at me," he said gently, "and tell me straight to my face that you couldn't care less about Kenshin. Tell me straight to my eyes that you don't want to go back to him, that you don't care what happens to him…tell me right now that you don't love him."
Sano's head was still lowered so Aoshi couldn't see his eyes, but the tears still fell freely. He choked back a sob, his fists clenched tightly on his knees, as the others waited for his reply.
Slowly but surely, Sano's head looked up, "…I can't." he cried, every memory of Kenshin's smiles and warm embraces filling him from head to toe with such an overflowing feeling of love that he just wanted to run back and gather Kenshin in his arms, holding him forever and never letting go.
For the first time in what must have been a very long time, Aoshi actually smiled, "Then I'm asking you, go back to him, stay with him…"
" …Give him the love that he deserves." Soujirou finished, his tears now falling, but a bright smile on his face.
Sano knew he must have been breaking every speed limit on every street, but right now he didn't care. What have I done? He thought to himself, narrowly missing a car pulling off of a side street as his eyes were still a little blurry with tears. What have I done to him! Sano sped back towards Kenshin's apartment, wanting to just gather the little red head in his arms and apologise over and over again for leaving him. He hated to imagine what kind of a state Kenshin was in, if it was anything to go by his reaction when Soujirou had left, it was going to be bad! He didn't want to think he'd made him cry, he couldn't stand it, he loved him, he loved him so much, who was he kidding when he was telling himself that he didn't, because he loved him more than anything!
Oh Christ what the hell have I done?
Everything that Aoshi and Soujirou had said he had been trying to deny. Denied that fact that he felt sorry for Kenshin's upbringing, denied the fact that he felt horrified the Yakuza had forced a child to kill, denied the feeling he had wanted to hold Kenshin in his arms when he was left half battered to death on a doorstep, denied the feelings of love he still had for him no matter how hard he tried to push them away.
Soujirou had said himself he had tried to do the same thing, tried to forget Kenshin but couldn't, because what he had said was true. No one compares to Kenshin, no one could, you can't beat perfection, Sano would have been searching for years for someone who could stir the same feelings within him that Kenshin did.
He didn't want anyone else, he wanted Kenshin, wanted to make him smile, forget all the bad memories and make new memories with him instead. He wanted to hold him, to love him, to do everything with him and to make sure that he never felt sad again.
Turning sharply round a corner, Sano skidded Aoshi's car to a stop outside Kenshin's apartment, Soujirou saying he would drop Aoshi off home later, and opened the car door so forcefully it bounced back on him. Leaping out, Sano ran up the stones steps, his heart hammering in his chest, grabbing the door handle, and….
All of a sudden his throat felt like it was on fire from the inside, the air unable to reach his lungs. His eyes went wide as his lungs stung like a thousand wasps were trapped there, before the evening light around him vanished in darkness, and he fell to the ground unconscious.
Someone placed the chloroform cloth back in their pocket before grabbing Sano's ankles, dragging him back down the steps to a black car just ahead. Opening the trunk, Sano was lifted into it and dumped there, the trunk being shut and locked. Heading back up the steps, hungry eyes looked up at the fifth floor, to a window that belonged to Kenshin's apartment.
"Guess I picked a good time to switch the cameras back on." Saito smiled to himself, flicking his cigarette to the ground, and walking through the doors.
The door hadn't shut properly; it was just resting against the lock, waiting for someone to close it. The apartment itself was still and quiet, as if there hadn't been an argument just a little while ago, as if there hadn't been tears shed and a heart breaking in its midst.
Suddenly the front door slowly swung open, hitting the wall gently, disturbing the silence in the air. Saito took a step inside, casually hanging his jacket on the coat stand to one side as if he was the one who lived here, and looked through into the kitchen.
There, sitting on the floor in a corner, his knees brought to his chest and leaning on the kitchen cabinet to his right, was Kenshin.
Saito could tell he'd been crying, but the tears had since stopped. His eyes were only half open, staring at nothing, a few strands of his red hair stuck to his cheek on the wet tears tracks. One arm was wrapped around his knees, the other lifeless at his side, every cell in his body seeming to cease all movement and thought. He didn't even look up when the door opened, nor did his brain register that it was Saito that had walked through.
"Something the matter Kenshin?" Saito smirked, as he walked over to him and stood in front of him, looking down at the smaller red head curled up on the floor.
Saito had seen the whole thing on his camera's, Sano and Kenshin's argument, Sano running, Kenshin collapsing to the floor in tears where it would seem, since Saito began his journey over here, he hadn't moved.
By the look on Sano's face as he'd ran up the steps to Kenshin's apartment building, Saito could tell the young man had had a change of heart, but he couldn't let that happen. Saito enjoyed seeing Kenshin hurt and upset, so he wasn't about to let Sano sweep him back into his arms and let that smile return to Kenshin's face. No no, this was far more entertaining. Not only was he keeping Kenshin upset, but he was keeping the truth from him as well. Sano wanted him back, and he was keeping them apart, and Kenshin would still think that Sanosuke hated him.
Saito knelt down in front of Kenshin, watching him for a moment. He reached out to brush those strands of hair away from his face, but Kenshin still didn't move. He still sat there, and even though Saito was directly in his line of sight, his eyes seemed unfocused, staring through him rather than at him.
"He's left you hasn't he?" Saito said blankly, as if he didn't know. "What a shame," he said, no hint of sadness in his voice at all, "It's happening all over again isn't it? People will always hate you when they know who you really are."
Kenshin blinked, but other than that, there was still no movement. Saito liked to taunt Kenshin because he would see those piercing eyes glaring at him when he did. He liked those eyes, the eyes he recognised from all those years ago, the eyes that showed so much hatred for him, and he loved it. The only problem was that his taunting this time wasn't getting a rise out of Kenshin, as he still stared blankly at him, as if he wasn't even there.
Saito reached his hand forward again and grasped Kenshin's chin, forcing him to look at him in the eyes. But Kenshin still stared through him, no emotion on his face, and Saito gritted his teeth in annoyance.
"How many times are you going to have to go through this until you realise that I am the only one who will accept you for what you are? We are both one in the same, both once child assassins, both murderers, when will you realise that the only people who will ever forgive you are murderers themselves?"
Kenshin seemed to frown slightly, his eyes suddenly looking a little sadder than before, but he still did not glare, still did not fight back, still just stared blankly through Saito, his mind just as empty.
Saito's grip on Kenshin's chin tightened a little more, before he let go, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around him surprisingly gently. Kenshin found himself now staring at the door over Saito's shoulder, the door that Sano had run away through, the door that Soujirou had run away through, the door it would seem that everyone Kenshin cared about would run away through.
"You're looking for love in all the wrong places." Saito continued, "Someone like you is not allowed to love innocent human beings. People like us have to stick to our own kind." He ran his fingers through Kenshin's tied back hair before he looped them round his hair tie and pulled it free, Kenshin's sunset locks falling around his shoulders and back. "Think about it Kenshin. I am the only person who knows everything about you, and I'm the only person who hasn't rejected you." Saito leant back a little; tilting Kenshin's chin up again to look at him, and whispered slowly to the corner of his lips, "I am the only one who can love you."
Saito pressed his lips to Kenshin's, but for once this wasn't a forceful kiss, it was a gentle kiss, coaxing Kenshin out of his stupor and trying to get him to react. Kenshin reacted alright, but it wasn't the reaction Saito had hoped for.
Kenshin's un-focused eyes suddenly sharpened in shock, and he swiftly moved his head back, breaking the kiss, and pressed up hard against the cabinet behind him, as if suddenly realising Saito was there. But his eyes still weren't the piercing ones Saito had hoped for, they were wide, sad and…scared?
Kenshin was never scared, that's why Saito liked to break him, liked those piercing eyes on his because he took it as a challenge to see how long Kenshin could really stand it for, but he'd never seen these eyes before. Even the first time Saito had took him, that one month ago, until he'd hit his head on the metal bars on the bed Kenshin had been fighting the whole time, that glare never leaving his eyes. Even when he had to give in in the end, he still had that spark in his eyes, one that may have recognised defeat, but was sure as hell not going to make it easy.
Kenshin had never looked scared in front of Saito, so why, all of sudden, had it taken so little for him to recoil away from him?
"And yet you still reject me." Saito pondered, watching Kenshin's startled eyes, his arms brought to his chest, pressing himself as far into the corner as he could, almost looking like a frightened lost little child, and still remaining silent.
Saito didn't like those eyes, he really didn't like those eyes, and it was beginning to annoy him greatly. He suddenly slammed one hand onto the cabinet next to Kenshin's head, and Kenshin flinched, squeezing his eyes shut waiting for a blow. But Saito didn't hit him, he continued to watch this strange, un-characteristic reaction. Surely he couldn't still be in love with that student? The guy had just walked out on him, didn't love him anymore, at least as far as Kenshin knew anyway, so what was he holding onto? There was no point in loving someone who could no longer stand the sight of you, so why was Kenshin rejecting him? Why was Kenshin being so stubborn? Why did he love people who hated him and hate people who loved hi-
Saito's eyes went wide at his own thought. How many times did he have to tell himself this was nothing like love? The feelings he'd once had for Tokio were nothing like how he felt for Kenshin. Back then, love for Tokio had been flowers if he was late, a worried yet loving look to her as he was sent on another assassination, and a smile to see her again when he returned. Love for Tokio had been as innocent as you could get working for the Yakuza, arranged marriage or not, he had loved her. In fact, it was only when Kenshin had left that everything had changed. When he had the power to control someone else, his love for Tokio didn't seem to be important anymore, it wasn't worth his time when he had someone else to do what he wanted, and still come home to a cooked dinner on the table.
But had he found in Kenshin, the love he had lost for Tokio? But it couldn't be. He wanted to see Kenshin in pain because of him, wanted to see him break because of him, wanted to see emotions of anger and hatred directed at him because it just made it all the more fun.
If he loved Kenshin, it was nothing like the love for Tokio. But Kenshin wasn't reacting to him the way he wanted, wasn't doing as he was told. He wanted to see anger, it made his blood pump faster at the thought of such a beautiful creature angry but knowing there was nothing he could do to stop Saito from doing what he wanted. Kenshin should be angry, not scared. Kenshin needed to stop looking at him that like, stop looking at him so terrified. Stop, stop looking like that, stopping staring at me like that….
Saito suddenly slammed his lips on Kenshin's again, the gentle kiss a moment before gone and now a furious rush of heat seemed to flow through his veins as he kissed him so harshly, desperately trying to force out those piercing his eyes he loved to see so much. But Kenshin didn't get angry, if anything, he seemed to get even more terrified, clawing at Saito's shirt to let him go, desperately trying to turn his head away, but Saito keeping a firm grip on his chin.
"S-stop it!" Kenshin finally managed to cry out for a moment, before Saito kissed him again, delving his tongue so far into his mouth Kenshin felt as if he was choking.
"Saito-" Kenshin sobbed, before again Saito kissed him, each kiss seeming more harsh and desperate than the one before. Kenshin wasn't reacting how he wanted, the terrified look in his eyes, get angry, GET ANGRY!
But Kenshin didn't get angry, there wasn't an angry thought left in him. When Saito had walked in, he hadn't even realised. All he saw as he sat on the floor, staring into nothing, was the hatred and scared look on Sano's face, burned into the backs of his eyes. This kitchen, once again the place where Kenshin's already fragile heart from being broken once before, had broken again, shattered, into pieces so small that this time there was no way it could ever be whole again.
He had felt someone hold him, but all he knew was that it wasn't Sano, so it didn't matter, he didn't care, because only Sano's embrace meant anything to him, and it was an embrace he was never going to feel again. All he had left was barely one month's worth of memories, one month's worth of happy memories he'd had in over seven years. One month. Would it always be like this? Was this the only way for him to ever be able to hold someone, to love someone? Would he have to live a lie every time, and just wait for that dreaded day when they'd find out his past and hate him? Because if it was, all they'd do in the end would be to run away, leaving nothing but a few happy memories that seemed insignificant with the pain he feel as they'd run.
So who was kissing him now? When he had realised it was Saito, all the anger and the bravery he had once had to fight him off with seemed to drain from him. He had nothing left to fight for. He had Sano before, he had a reason to fight Saito off, to try and stop him even if he couldn't, but now, now what did he have to fight for? Nothing. He'd lost Sano, his reason for fighting, so now, for the first time, all he felt was scared. Scared that he'd have this heart wrenching feeling flowing through him forever, scared that everyone he'd ever meet would hate him, scared that he'd be alone for the rest of his life, wallowing in nothing but sadness and fear, never again feeling a warm embrace or a loving kiss, never again to wake up in the arms of someone who loved him for just being him.
He had plucked up so much courage to let himself fall for Sano, to give himself one last chance after being hurt so badly, but now, he wished he never let himself turn around that day as he'd driven home away from him, never kissed him that afternoon as a thank you, never even met him in Heaven that night. What was the point in falling in love, when all it did was rip out his heart?
He'd lost Soujirou, he'd lost Sano, now all he had left to live for was Saito, to do whatever he wanted him to do, to do as he was told, to live as he felt he should, and that was hardly a reason worth living for.
Kenshin had become scared of his own life.
Saito's ravenous kisses continued for a while, but Kenshin had now lost all strength, just letting him get on with it, not responding, not doing anything, just letting his eyes fall unfocused again as he tried to remember a happy feeling. But there were no happy feelings left, because all the happy feelings he had with Sano now all turned into the memory of him running away. All happy memories of him were now buried behind a wall of heartbroken tears. The more he tried to think of him, the more he felt his eyes cloud with tears, and it was only when they started to fall once again did Saito stop kissing him.
"What's wrong with you?" Saito asked, thoroughly annoyed now, "Isn't this what you want? Someone to love you? Someone to hold you like this? Isn't this it? Someone to know what you've done, and forgive you?"
Kenshin's eyes shone with tears. Was that it? Is that all he needed? Did it not matter who the person was as long as they held him? But that couldn't be right. If it was, after Soujirou had left he would have gone out every night to find comfort in the arms of anyone who happened to pass his way, just to feel the warmth of another's touch to keep the darkness at bay. But he didn't, Sano was the first person he'd been with since Soujirou, because no matter how warm another's touch would be, it would mean nothing without a warm smile behind it.
Sano had that warm touch and that warm smile, and a warm embrace that didn't just keep the darkness at bay, but kept it hidden away where it couldn't be seen. Sano had given him everything, all his smiles, all his love, so how could spending the night in another's arms now bring back those feelings only Sano had made him feel?
"Because if that's what you want, I can give that to you. What I'm offering you is exactly what you want, what Sanosuke…and Soujirou…refused to give you. You'll learn to want me…when I make you feel loved."
Was Saito still talking? Why was he here? Kenshin didn't want Saito, he wanted Sano here, to hold him, to kiss him…to forgive him.
"I'll hold you. I'll kiss you. I'll forgive you."
…..Hm? Sano….?
Kenshin looked at Saito strangely, frowning slightly as if trying to work something out. Those words, hold you, kiss you, forgive you, he'd just thought them, just imagined Sano speaking them, and then he'd heard them spoken out loud. Was that really Saito here? But he'd just heard the words he only wanted Sano to speak to him, so maybe this wasn't Saito, maybe this was Sano, maybe he'd come back? Maybe he was just so worried that his mind was playing tricks on him making him think this was Saito when it really wasn't?
Saito frowned a little at the glazed look in Kenshin's eyes, as the younger man stared up at him, an almost…almost confused love look in his eyes. It was a peculiar look, but Saito only pondered it for a moment, because whatever was happening was making Kenshin comply a little more, so Saito continued his soft tone of voice, and placed his hands either side of Kenshin's cheeks and cupped his face in his hands.
"I'll love you Kenshin, I forgive you."
A little less confusion and a little more love suddenly shone in Kenshin's eyes, although they were still glazed and far away.
"S…Sano?"
Sano?
Saito watched him, eyes curious at this odd behaviour. Did Kenshin….did Kenshin think he was Sanosuke? Heh, well, he had put him through hell all his life and he'd suffered two major blows to the heart, maybe he had finally cracked under the pressure. The words he was saying were, after all, all the words Kenshin had so desperately wanted to hear, maybe he was making them sound like the person he wanted to hear them from. But he was staring straight at him, he must realise he wasn't Sanosuke, even if his ears were making him hear what he wanted, his eyes much surely tell him the truth.
But this train of thought only made Saito smile. A sickening smile, a smile of satisfaction, that if Kenshin truly had lost it, it was all thanks to him. A life time of manipulative terror and blood filled nightmares that haunted him every night was bound to take its toll eventually, and now Saito had done about as much mental damage as one person could do.
"Yeah…I'm here." Saito said, a loving tone in his voice despite the satisfied smirk on his lips.
These words seemed to make Kenshin smile, despite the tears that still fell, and Saito suddenly found Kenshin's arms around him as he held onto him, Kenshin closing his eyes and burying his head onto Saito's shoulder. He held him close, Saito still slightly taken aback at Kenshin's sudden embrace, before he too wrapped his arms around him, and before Kenshin could realise exactly who he was holding, Saito lifted him up off the floor, carrying him in his arms making his way through to the bedroom.
Kenshin clung to him, resting in that warmth, a far away smile on his lips. Sano had come back, Sano had forgiven him, Sano still loved him. It was everything he wanted to hear, everything he'd always wanted to hear, and even though a small part of his mind, right at the very back so it was barely heard, was asking himself where Saito had gone and when did Sano arrive, Kenshin continued to hold onto his love, not wanting to let him go now he'd returned.
Saito laid Kenshin on his back on the bed, his head sinking into the soft pillow, looking up at him with that far away smile still on his lips. But that smile seemed sad, as did the love in his eyes. Saito could feel his body trembling beneath him, but Kenshin still continued to smile.
He knew, he might not realise it, but Kenshin knew it wasn't Sano here with him.
Saito saw this, but this just made that sadistic part inside him grow. He'd done this to Kenshin, he'd drawn him away from the one who loved him and now all that was left was this trembling body beneath him, with a smile that was the only barrier Kenshin had from completely losing his mind to the despairs he carried. If he couldn't have the real thing, then it seemed Kenshin's mind would do anything to let him think he still had that one person who loved him back in his arms.
The mental image of Sano forgiven him for everything had overrun Kenshin's mind, turning that one desperate want into its own reality, and for once it wasn't Saito that leant down to kiss him, but Kenshin. Kenshin raised his arms and wrapped them around Saito's neck, bringing him down to kiss him, nothing but Sano's face in his mind.
But something stirred inside Saito for a small moment, because he realised that this was the first time he had experienced Kenshin actually kissing him back. It was Kenshin's tongue that sought entrance into his mouth; it was Kenshin's arms wrapped around him keeping him close, it was Kenshin who moaned softly in pleasure instead of growling in annoyance. This was the first time Saito hadn't, technically, forced himself upon Kenshin, it was Kenshin who was making the moves.
Saito continued to kiss him back deeply, Kenshin pressing his body as close to his as he could, his kisses becoming more desperate as he pulled away for air for a split second before kissing him again, running his fingers down Saito's chest, wanting to find those buttons and get rid of them.
Saito at this stage was thoroughly enjoying himself. Although he may not be seeing the eyes liked to see, or have the pleasure in seeing Kenshin break before him as he gave up, this was something new. Kenshin had completely lost his mind if he really thought Saito was Sano, and having Kenshin be the one to make the moves and demand they kiss was certainly an interesting and enjoyable change.
He wasn't going to be the one to snap Kenshin out of this, after all, no matter what was going on in Kenshin's mind, it was the time of the month again where Kenshin needed to 'pay' him, and what better way than to have him wrapped around his little finger so much it was actually Kenshin who wanted him to touch him. Well, Kenshin may be seeing him as Sano, but sex was sex after all, Saito didn't care what Kenshin was thinking as long as he got what he wanted.
Kenshin meanwhile had found those buttons and had opened Saito's shirt, removing the fabric as he nuzzled at Saito's neck, repeating over and over again in his mind that this was Sano, Sano had come back, Sano still loved him, Sano still wanted him.
Saito soon enough made quick removal of all of Kenshin's clothes, and as he knelt back while straddling his thighs; it was the first time Saito actually took a proper look at Kenshin.
Last time was too quick and rough for him to properly look at his form, but in the darkening light from outside, Kenshin laying there naked with his hands by his head, a blush on his cheeks, lustful eyes half closed but looking at him so intently; Saito could feel his breath catch in his throat.
He watched as Kenshin seductively licked one finger and traced it across his lips, and with the whispered erotic phrase Saito never thought he'd hear from Kenshin…
"Take me."
… he was lost in ravishing his body.
Saito had never realised how different it felt to have someone want you to take them, rather than taking them by force. The way Kenshin moved beneath him, fingernails scraping down his back as the pleasure grew between them, there was no resistance here at all. Saito never knew how it felt to have Kenshin want him to touch him, to beg him for more when all he was used to was to be pushed away. Saito had forgotten that these were the actions of someone who loved you, of someone who wanted to be with you, just like….just like Tokio back then.
But no matter how their bodies writhed against each other, no matter how Kenshin clung onto him, demanding deeper kisses and to touch him in those places that made that blush grow deeper, no matter how beautiful Kenshin looked as he threw his head back as that burst of insurmountable pleasure rushed over him…
Saito felt a jolt of sadness run through him that it was Sano's name Kenshin called out into the night.
To Be Continued…