Chapter 14
Felicity entered their bedroom a short while later. Ben lay on their bed, staring at the ceiling. She went over to the bed and sat down next to him. He didn't glance her way.
"Ben, what is wrong? I mean, I know you and your dad have had a difficult time, but why are you so upset? He's just here to talk to you, to see if you can work things out," she said softly.
Ben still didn't look her way as he said, "Well, that's not happening. He is a dick, always has been, and he will never change. I'm surprised he wasn't drunk just now."
"Ben..." Felicity started, only to be interrupted by Ben's voice.
He looked at her finally, and she could tell that he was exhausted. His eyes were heavy as he looked at her questioningly. "I don't even know why you care, after what he did to you last time. I mean, how can you stand to be around him? Aren't you uncomfortable?"
"Yes, I'm a bit uncomfortable but he was pleasant and, and, he seemed like he was, you know, really regretful about how things happened ..."
"Yeah, well he can be regretful all he wants. I am not going to give him another chance, I just can't," Ben said firmly and sat up next to her, placing his feet heavily onto the ground.
"Ben, I know that he caused you a lot of pain, but he is your father. Maybe you should at least talk to him, see what he has to say," she said gently.
"I have nothing to say to him. I don't. He has caused my mother and I nothing but grief and it is better if he is out of both of our lives. Trust me, it is better that way," he said as he looked at her. "Listen, I don't want you to worry about this. Really, you don't need to worry. I can take care of it."
"I know, I know you think you can take care of it. But I worry that you are not allowing yourself another chance with your father, and that you will regret that later on. You can't refuse to talk to him the rest of your life. I mean, just think about it, okay? I think he just wants to talk, you don't have to say anything, you just need to listen," she said as she took his hand in hers and rubbed her thumb over his palm. "Besides, I hate to see you so upset. I want to help you if I can."
"I know you do, but there is really nothing you can do," he said sadly, as he looked at his hand in hers.
"I wish you wouldn't say that, Ben. I talk to you about my parents, and how they frustrate me and drive me crazy. I wish you could talk to me about your father..."
"There really is nothing to say, you already know all of it."
"I know, I mean I know what happened when you were younger and all, but what about now."
"There is no now," Ben said firmly as he stood up off the bed and walked towards the door. "Listen, I don't want to talk about this, okay? I'm going to go get something to drink, do you want something?"
Felicity looked at Ben and could tell that he was hurting inside. But the wall had gone up, and he would not let her in. She looked sadly down at the floor, thinking that they had come so far, but still had so much further to go. She looked up at him and said," Sure. I will come with you."
She got up off the bed and walked over to him, placing her hand on his back. He smiled slightly and followed her out of the room.
Later, Ben lay in bed unable to sleep. He could not stop thinking about his dad and why he had come here. When he had enough to worry about, with work and classes he was certain he was going to fail. He could not help but think he had come here on purpose, to cause him more pain and worry. And he hated him for it. He thought about the group he had gone to, and how he was not supposed to give into his anger. He was supposed to accept his dad's efforts at reconciliation. But he didn't know how. He just couldn't trust him again. And what he had done to Felicity last year, still upset him. He could not believe his dad could be so disrespectful towards her. It made him cringe just thinking about how he had kissed her. And although Felicity was trying to be helpful, and acting as if it was all in the past, he knew she couldn't really want to be around him. How could she?
He didn't know what to do. Maybe Felicity was right, just talking to him couldn't be that bad. He would give him fifteen minutes and if he didn't like what he had to say, he would just leave. He didn't owe him anything. He smiled slightly to himself, thinking again how even though he fought it, Felicity was always right. He wondered how she did that, how she loved him so completely even when he was being a jerk to her. He looked over at her. She was turned against him. He reached over and pulled her into his arms, wrapping his arms tightly around her.
Felicity, who had been awake herself, felt his embrace and smiled. She knew then that even though he could not tell her, he appreciated all that she had said. And that the wall would come down in time. She would eventually be let into his heart, in the part where he kept his pain about his father bottled up. She knew for certain that she could help him; that was what she wanted to spend the rest of her life doing, caring for the man that she loves. In the same beautiful way he does her.
Ben did agree to meet his dad after all. They had dinner two nights later, at the hotel his father was staying at. It was a tense meal, as Ben did not really want to be there and his dad was trying so hard to convince him he had changed. But Ben would not listen to him.
"Look dad, I've heard all this before. Do you know how many times mom and I have heard you say that you have stopped drinking and that you are going to change? I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now," Ben said as he moved his fork around in his uneaten pasta.
"Listen, Ben. I know that I have caused you and your mother a lot of pain, which I regret. But I am serious when I say that I have changed. I haven't had a drink in almost ten months, I am going to AA. I am working again, at a great firm that believes in me."
"That's great, dad. Not sure they should, but that's great."
"Ben, come on. How long will this go on? Can't you just give me another chance and let me be your father again? I just want another chance with my family."
"How many chances do you think you get? I mean, mom and I, we gave you lots of chances and all you ever did was hurt us more. I can't ever forget how you treated her. You remember, you pushed her against the wall once, left a huge gash on her head. And all she did was tell you that it was okay. I can't live like that anymore. I just can't," he said firmly as he got up from the table.
"Ben, where are you going? You haven't even finished your meal," Mr. Covington said as he stood up next to him. "Listen, I just want you to hear me out. And I want the chance to be your father again. To prove to you and your mom that I have changed and that I can do better."
"That's what you told mom all the time, and look what you did to her. Look, I can't talk to you anymore. It's always the same crap over and over. Just go on home, I don't want to deal with this."
Ben turned away from the table and was about to leave when he heard another customer gasp. He heard his father repeatedly cough. When he turned, he saw some blood running out of his dad's mouth. And his napkin was smeared with more.
"Dad, what is wrong?" he asked with alarm. He moved back over to him, asking "Why are you coughing up blood?"
Mr. Covington started to shake and felt himself grow weak. He leaned against the table for support. "I – I don't know. This happens sometimes, and it usually goes away."
"What? This has happened before? And you didn't get checked out?" Ben asked with both irritation and shock in his voice.
"Yeah, well it's no big deal. It'll pass," he said just as he felt himself fall onto the table.
Ben rushed over to him and picked him up. "Dad, I think you need to go to the doctor. This may be serious. I'm a paramedic, I know what I am talking about. Just go to the hospital okay?"
"I don't need that, I'm fine," his dad insisted.
"Dad, don't be so stupid. You can't even stand up. Come on, let's go." Ben led him out of the restaurant after paying the bill. As they were walking out to the street, his father collapsed. Ben rushed into the restaurant and called an ambulance.
Felicity met him a short time later at the hospital. Ben stood up and immediately took her into his arms. "I am so glad to see you," he whispered.
"I'm glad you called me. And there is no place else I'd rather be," she said as she rubbed his back gently.
Ben came out of her embrace and looked at her. She could tell he had been fighting tears. They sat down on the bench and he took her hand in his, as if to remind him she was still there.
"Ben, what is happening? What is wrong with your dad?"
"I don't know yet for sure, but the doctor thinks it might be liver failure. You know, from all the drinking," he said quietly as he looked at the floor.
"Ben, I'm so sorry. I know that you argued with him, you told me that, but you are here with him now. That is good. It's good that you are here to support him."
"Yeah, well I don't know why. I mean, he did this to himself. If he hadn't drank so much he wouldn't be here," Ben replied as he looked again at the door to the emergency room.
"I know, I know why you say that. But he's sick. Everything else doesn't matter. We just have to hope that he will be okay," she said gently as she looked at him.
"Felicity, I just don't know why this keeps happening to me. I mean, as if I don't have enough to worry about. I can't be sitting here like this, I have too much to do. I'm going to fail my test tomorrow, that is for sure."
"Ben, no you are not. We will go home and study when we leave here. We can stay up as long as you need to so you feel prepared."
"I guess," he said with reluctance. "I just- I just can't believe all this. I mean, I can't even keep my head above water where my classes go, and now this."
"Ben, everything will be okay. You just need to calm down. Here," she said as she brought his head to her shoulder. "Just rest right now. I am here. I am not going anywhere."
Ben let his head fall onto her shoulder with a heavy sigh. "Thank you," he said quietly.
"Of course," she said as she rubbed her fingers through his hair.
Ben was quiet for quite some time. He felt himself calm down the longer she held him. He finally said," I am really worried, I have to admit. I shouldn't be I guess, after all he has done, but I am."
"I know you are. It's okay. He's your dad and you want him to be okay, even if he isn't really a part of your life."
"Yeah, yeah, I guess so," he whispered as she held him closer. They stayed there for quite some time, just holding onto each other, Felicity slowly stroking her fingers through his hair.
Felicity entered their bedroom a short while later. Ben lay on their bed, staring at the ceiling. She went over to the bed and sat down next to him. He didn't glance her way.
"Ben, what is wrong? I mean, I know you and your dad have had a difficult time, but why are you so upset? He's just here to talk to you, to see if you can work things out," she said softly.
Ben still didn't look her way as he said, "Well, that's not happening. He is a dick, always has been, and he will never change. I'm surprised he wasn't drunk just now."
"Ben..." Felicity started, only to be interrupted by Ben's voice.
He looked at her finally, and she could tell that he was exhausted. His eyes were heavy as he looked at her questioningly. "I don't even know why you care, after what he did to you last time. I mean, how can you stand to be around him? Aren't you uncomfortable?"
"Yes, I'm a bit uncomfortable but he was pleasant and, and, he seemed like he was, you know, really regretful about how things happened ..."
"Yeah, well he can be regretful all he wants. I am not going to give him another chance, I just can't," Ben said firmly and sat up next to her, placing his feet heavily onto the ground.
"Ben, I know that he caused you a lot of pain, but he is your father. Maybe you should at least talk to him, see what he has to say," she said gently.
"I have nothing to say to him. I don't. He has caused my mother and I nothing but grief and it is better if he is out of both of our lives. Trust me, it is better that way," he said as he looked at her. "Listen, I don't want you to worry about this. Really, you don't need to worry. I can take care of it."
"I know, I know you think you can take care of it. But I worry that you are not allowing yourself another chance with your father, and that you will regret that later on. You can't refuse to talk to him the rest of your life. I mean, just think about it, okay? I think he just wants to talk, you don't have to say anything, you just need to listen," she said as she took his hand in hers and rubbed her thumb over his palm. "Besides, I hate to see you so upset. I want to help you if I can."
"I know you do, but there is really nothing you can do," he said sadly, as he looked at his hand in hers.
"I wish you wouldn't say that, Ben. I talk to you about my parents, and how they frustrate me and drive me crazy. I wish you could talk to me about your father..."
"There really is nothing to say, you already know all of it."
"I know, I mean I know what happened when you were younger and all, but what about now."
"There is no now," Ben said firmly as he stood up off the bed and walked towards the door. "Listen, I don't want to talk about this, okay? I'm going to go get something to drink, do you want something?"
Felicity looked at Ben and could tell that he was hurting inside. But the wall had gone up, and he would not let her in. She looked sadly down at the floor, thinking that they had come so far, but still had so much further to go. She looked up at him and said," Sure. I will come with you."
She got up off the bed and walked over to him, placing her hand on his back. He smiled slightly and followed her out of the room.
Later, Ben lay in bed unable to sleep. He could not stop thinking about his dad and why he had come here. When he had enough to worry about, with work and classes he was certain he was going to fail. He could not help but think he had come here on purpose, to cause him more pain and worry. And he hated him for it. He thought about the group he had gone to, and how he was not supposed to give into his anger. He was supposed to accept his dad's efforts at reconciliation. But he didn't know how. He just couldn't trust him again. And what he had done to Felicity last year, still upset him. He could not believe his dad could be so disrespectful towards her. It made him cringe just thinking about how he had kissed her. And although Felicity was trying to be helpful, and acting as if it was all in the past, he knew she couldn't really want to be around him. How could she?
He didn't know what to do. Maybe Felicity was right, just talking to him couldn't be that bad. He would give him fifteen minutes and if he didn't like what he had to say, he would just leave. He didn't owe him anything. He smiled slightly to himself, thinking again how even though he fought it, Felicity was always right. He wondered how she did that, how she loved him so completely even when he was being a jerk to her. He looked over at her. She was turned against him. He reached over and pulled her into his arms, wrapping his arms tightly around her.
Felicity, who had been awake herself, felt his embrace and smiled. She knew then that even though he could not tell her, he appreciated all that she had said. And that the wall would come down in time. She would eventually be let into his heart, in the part where he kept his pain about his father bottled up. She knew for certain that she could help him; that was what she wanted to spend the rest of her life doing, caring for the man that she loves. In the same beautiful way he does her.
Ben did agree to meet his dad after all. They had dinner two nights later, at the hotel his father was staying at. It was a tense meal, as Ben did not really want to be there and his dad was trying so hard to convince him he had changed. But Ben would not listen to him.
"Look dad, I've heard all this before. Do you know how many times mom and I have heard you say that you have stopped drinking and that you are going to change? I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now," Ben said as he moved his fork around in his uneaten pasta.
"Listen, Ben. I know that I have caused you and your mother a lot of pain, which I regret. But I am serious when I say that I have changed. I haven't had a drink in almost ten months, I am going to AA. I am working again, at a great firm that believes in me."
"That's great, dad. Not sure they should, but that's great."
"Ben, come on. How long will this go on? Can't you just give me another chance and let me be your father again? I just want another chance with my family."
"How many chances do you think you get? I mean, mom and I, we gave you lots of chances and all you ever did was hurt us more. I can't ever forget how you treated her. You remember, you pushed her against the wall once, left a huge gash on her head. And all she did was tell you that it was okay. I can't live like that anymore. I just can't," he said firmly as he got up from the table.
"Ben, where are you going? You haven't even finished your meal," Mr. Covington said as he stood up next to him. "Listen, I just want you to hear me out. And I want the chance to be your father again. To prove to you and your mom that I have changed and that I can do better."
"That's what you told mom all the time, and look what you did to her. Look, I can't talk to you anymore. It's always the same crap over and over. Just go on home, I don't want to deal with this."
Ben turned away from the table and was about to leave when he heard another customer gasp. He heard his father repeatedly cough. When he turned, he saw some blood running out of his dad's mouth. And his napkin was smeared with more.
"Dad, what is wrong?" he asked with alarm. He moved back over to him, asking "Why are you coughing up blood?"
Mr. Covington started to shake and felt himself grow weak. He leaned against the table for support. "I – I don't know. This happens sometimes, and it usually goes away."
"What? This has happened before? And you didn't get checked out?" Ben asked with both irritation and shock in his voice.
"Yeah, well it's no big deal. It'll pass," he said just as he felt himself fall onto the table.
Ben rushed over to him and picked him up. "Dad, I think you need to go to the doctor. This may be serious. I'm a paramedic, I know what I am talking about. Just go to the hospital okay?"
"I don't need that, I'm fine," his dad insisted.
"Dad, don't be so stupid. You can't even stand up. Come on, let's go." Ben led him out of the restaurant after paying the bill. As they were walking out to the street, his father collapsed. Ben rushed into the restaurant and called an ambulance.
Felicity met him a short time later at the hospital. Ben stood up and immediately took her into his arms. "I am so glad to see you," he whispered.
"I'm glad you called me. And there is no place else I'd rather be," she said as she rubbed his back gently.
Ben came out of her embrace and looked at her. She could tell he had been fighting tears. They sat down on the bench and he took her hand in his, as if to remind him she was still there.
"Ben, what is happening? What is wrong with your dad?"
"I don't know yet for sure, but the doctor thinks it might be liver failure. You know, from all the drinking," he said quietly as he looked at the floor.
"Ben, I'm so sorry. I know that you argued with him, you told me that, but you are here with him now. That is good. It's good that you are here to support him."
"Yeah, well I don't know why. I mean, he did this to himself. If he hadn't drank so much he wouldn't be here," Ben replied as he looked again at the door to the emergency room.
"I know, I know why you say that. But he's sick. Everything else doesn't matter. We just have to hope that he will be okay," she said gently as she looked at him.
"Felicity, I just don't know why this keeps happening to me. I mean, as if I don't have enough to worry about. I can't be sitting here like this, I have too much to do. I'm going to fail my test tomorrow, that is for sure."
"Ben, no you are not. We will go home and study when we leave here. We can stay up as long as you need to so you feel prepared."
"I guess," he said with reluctance. "I just- I just can't believe all this. I mean, I can't even keep my head above water where my classes go, and now this."
"Ben, everything will be okay. You just need to calm down. Here," she said as she brought his head to her shoulder. "Just rest right now. I am here. I am not going anywhere."
Ben let his head fall onto her shoulder with a heavy sigh. "Thank you," he said quietly.
"Of course," she said as she rubbed her fingers through his hair.
Ben was quiet for quite some time. He felt himself calm down the longer she held him. He finally said," I am really worried, I have to admit. I shouldn't be I guess, after all he has done, but I am."
"I know you are. It's okay. He's your dad and you want him to be okay, even if he isn't really a part of your life."
"Yeah, yeah, I guess so," he whispered as she held him closer. They stayed there for quite some time, just holding onto each other, Felicity slowly stroking her fingers through his hair.