A Breaking Point
By Jess aka willowaus
Disclaimer: I do not own CSI and I am in no way making any money from writing this, alas.
A/N: Balloons to AussiRayne for the beta (everyone likes balloons, right?). Big thanks to all of you for reviewing and reading.
Part Five
He had to keep moving, continuously pushing his way through the dense forest, snapping branches to clear his way. Somewhere out here she was lost and all alone, crying out for him. Another twig smacked against his face, cutting his cheek. The crying grew louder and he knew he was nearing her. His mouth opened to cry words to calm her but his voice wouldn't cooperate. Finally clearing the trees, he stepped into a clearing and saw the little girl standing on the other side of it, looking at him with blue eyes full of sadness. Her mouth opened and he could see the gap he adored as she spoke, "You're too late."
Grissom woke, his eyes opening, his heart constricting as her words reverberated in his mind. He controlled his breathing, forcing himself to calm down, and freezing when he realized that Sara was still laying her head against his knee, her breathing steady as she slept. His eyes moved to the clock on his stereo, noting how long they had before shift started before turning to look back at her. Their hands were still connected, fingers entwining as both had succumbed to exhaustion, allowing their bodies rest, even if their minds were never able to turn off.
A frown formed on his face as he watched her breathe. He had failed her, as a supervisor, as a friend. Something had triggered the panic attack, and he had a feeling that there had been signs that he should have noticed. But he had been wrapped up in the case, in his own needs, and disregarded anyone else's.
Leaning his head back against the chair, he closed his eyes, his mouth twisting in anger as he remembered previous conversations from the day. He truly did not know what to do about this, had no idea how to separate work from personal. 'I have no clue how to treat Sara,' he berated himself. 'I haven't understood how to interact with her for a long time.' Shaking his head, he opened his eyes, looking down at her figure.
She was waking, her eyes blinking open as she took in her surroundings. He flinched as she pulled away from him, missing the warmth of her hand in his and her body against his leg. She was staring at her hands, watching as they fiddled with her shirt, refusing to look at him. He watched her and he knew she could feel his eyes on her, and wondered when she would finally look up.
"You can watch me all you want, it doesn't change anything," she said, her eyes still downcast. "I want to go to my apartment."
"What happened?" he prodded and watched her shoulders slump in defeat.
"Why does it matter?" Sara asked, looking up at him, desperation shining through her eyes. She shook her head and continued, "I won't let it interfere with work anymore. I don't know how, but I'll--"
"I don't care about work," he interrupted, leaning forward, and grasped her shoulders, repeating himself.
She looked away from him, her hands touching his chest, and for a moment he was sure she was going to push him away, but instead they grasped his shirt, her head bending and resting against his shoulder. He felt her hiccup and knew that she was crying. "Honey…" he said, one of his hands moving to gently rub her back.
"No!" she cried suddenly, pushing herself away from him. "No."
He kneeled beside her, unsure what had happened. Tears stained her face and her body trembled. "No," she repeated. "You…no."
"Sara?" he asked, reaching a hand out to her.
She slapped it away, sitting back and pulling her knees up to her, reminding him of the day he had sat in her apartment and listened to her story. She violently shook her head before laying it on her knees. "I don't need you," she said. "I don't want you."
Grissom leaned back, stunned at the venom in her voice. 'You're too late.' He blinked as he looked at her, the voice from his dream tormenting him. Images ran through his head, his eyes growing wider with each one. Sara walking out of his townhouse, Sara leaving the lab, Sara moving from Las Vegas, a life without her laid out waiting for him. 'No,' he shook his head.
"No," he whispered, looking over at Sara, watching her body tremble.
"No," he repeated louder, moving over to her, his hands moving to cradle her face.
She looked up at him, her eyes searching his face, stunned by the helplessness seeping from them. "No," he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. "No."
"Grissom?" she asked, frightened by the emotions spilling from him.
"No," he repeated, his chin resting against her forehead, before bending to kiss it.
Sara's hands moved to his arms, intent on pushing him away, but as she felt him quiver beneath her fingers she stopped herself, gently gripping them instead. His hands moved from her face, pulling her body against his, holding tightly onto her, his face buried in her hair, muffled words leaving his mouth. She closed her eyes, leaning into him, hating herself for letting him touch her, hating even more that she finally felt at peace.
She tried to focus on his words, desperate to ignore the way his hands caressed her back or the feel of his lips on her hair. "…without you," he murmured. "I don't know what I would do, I just don't know."
He pulled away from her, his hands moving to her face, forcing her to look in his eyes. "Sara," he whispered, his lips kissing her forehead again, startling her with how soft his kisses were, before pulling away to look at her again. "Relationships….god, Sara…"
She watched him struggle to form words, forcing herself not to grin at his speechlessness. "You…you infuriate me," he finally said.
She raised an eyebrow in response, not expecting that. He shook his head, clearly not liking what he had said, before continuing, "It took me years to build this life, to cultivate my ease at observing, at living alone and being aloof."
Her mouth opened, prepared to give a nasty retort, when he shook his head again, hurriedly speaking, "You scare me unlike any one I have ever met."
She didn't want to hear this and struggled to move away from him, expecting this to be a longwinded speech about why they couldn't be together. He kept a firm grip on her, his eyes pleading with her to understand. "But do you know what scares me even more?" he said.
"Losing your job," she muttered, remembering his conversation with Dr. Lurie. 'I'm not worth the risk.'
"No," he growled. "You."
"You already said that you were scared of me," Sara replied, attempting to move away from him, cursing him for pulling her back into this never ending cycle.
"No!" Grissom said, tugging her back to him. "Losing you."
She looked away, not believing him. "Not seeing you at work," he continued and his hands cupped her face, moving it so she could see him.
"I don't really want to leave the lab," she told him. "I didn't mean that."
His face moved closer to hers, forehead leaning against hers. "Not hearing your voice," he murmured. "Not seeing your smile. God, I miss your smile."
She closed her eyes, feeling his breath only a few millimeters away from her lips. "Not ever knowing," he continued and she shivered as she felt his lip brush against hers before moving away.
"Knowing?" she asked, gripping his shoulders.
"What you taste like, what you feel like," he murmured, his breath once again by her lips.
She felt him lean towards her and she ducked her head, shaking it slightly. "No," she whispered, hating herself and dropped her hands from him.
She waited for him to move away from her, to build up his shield again. She never expected his hands to cup her face again, lifting her head so his eyes would meet hers. They were soft and full of guilt as his hands moved to caress her neck. "I don't know how to make things better," he whispered.
"Neither do I," she replied and let him pull her close, burying her head into his neck, wrapping her arms around him.
The incessant ring of his cell phone broke them apart and he groaned as he retrieved it from the side table. "Grissom," he said and flinched.
Sara could hear Catherine's voice and smiled at the pained expression on his face. After a few seconds he hung up and looked at her. "We're needed?" she asked.
He nodded. "Sara…"
"We're fine," she lied, standing up.
"No, we are not," he countered as he rose. "I would like to…have breakfast after shift to try and sort this out."
She looked at him and bit her lip. "I don't know," she replied.
"Think about it," Grissom urged.
She nodded and smoothed out her clothes. "I'm going to use your bathroom to…" she said pointing to her face and slipped away from him.
He watched her go and sighed. It wasn't too late, he wouldn't let it be. He couldn't.
TBC