A/N: Thank you to everyone who read and responded to Butterfly and Xander's Song. I have a few more of these little shorties lodged in my brain that are trying to break free. This one is from Alex's pov; the rest will be from Bobby's. I read a story recently that gave me some inspiration for this one.
Weep Not for the Memories
Bobby is the one that is good at this, not me. I do not have the patience to write about my life, and seriously, I do not think that anyone is that interested. My name? Alexandra Kathryn Eames. Alexandra because there was always an Alex in the family, although I am the first Alexandra. Somehow, my two older brothers escaped the curse of Alex, being the baby of the family I was blessed with the name. Alexandra for the Eames side and Kathryn from the O'Grady side.
Along with the name comes the predisposition to be involved in law enforcement. I was the tough little kid that stuck up for the underdog. I spent more time in the Principal's office than the Principal did. I was always being busted for hitting, pushing, and beating up on kids in the playground. I always had a good reason, but the teachers did not seem to appreciate it. I would dearly love to see what my Academic Record said about me. Anyway, My father Jonathan Alexander is a cop, my grandfather Alexander was with the police force. Then there is my uncle Al, a lawyer more specifically a defense attorney, the black sheep of the family.
I fought my way through the ranks and the day that I made Detective was one of the happiest days for my father. One of the happiest days for me was the day I met Drew. Andrew Morrison. He was one of the most amazing people that I have ever met. We were introduced shortly after I made Detective. He worked in Narcotics and I was in Vice. A case brought us together and ultimately a case pulled us apart.
Drew was my missing half. We worked the craziest of hours and rarely saw each other, but the few evenings and, even rarer weekends, were nothing short of amazing. He was sweet, romantic, everything anyone could ever want in a spouse. Sure we fought. All couples do. It is hard work being in a marriage. Most importantly, we were in love.
November 7. I still wake up in a cold sweat on that date. I was sitting in the dressing room at the precinct. I had just pulled on some jeans after being out playing 'hooker' all evening. I was thinking about the mountains of paperwork that lay ahead of me, when my CO, Captain Granger, rapped on the door. The look on his face told me everything. Drew was gone. He had been in a drug house, one that he and his partner Fin had been watching for some time. The perps were cooking up some meth, and well, the house exploded. Drew died instantly.
Four days later we had the funeral. That entire time is fuzzy for me. They say that artists go through their 'blue' periods; well mine was black. I threw myself into my work, barely coming up for air. My family worried about me, my friends worried about me, my boss worried about me. All I wanted was for the pain to go away. I knew that I would never open myself up to anyone ever again. Being vulnerable was not acceptable.
My work was such that it caught the attention of Captain Jimmy Deakins. He offered me a position in Major Case. The catch? I had to work with one Robert O. Goren. Goren had quite a reputation. He was, to be polite, weird. I was relatively a 'by the books' detective, and he was eccentric. He sniffed crime scenes, he had strange mannerisms, and his brain worked in ways that were almost alien. In addition, we looked funny together. I barely came up to his shoulders and he was about double my weight. He was also very polite, listened to my opinions and he had manners. I mean manners that you can not find in society today. He would hold the door for me, allow me to step into a room first, guided me with his warm hand on the small of my back, it was, well, weird.
These oddities were what led me to request a partner re-assignment. A request that I withdrew the very next day. We had been working on a particularly trying case. Bobby had been so focused on nailing the perp and blatantly disregarded every suggestion that I made. I was so upset by his demeanor I sent in the request, before I thought about it. I mulled it over that night in my mind and concluded that I had a lot to learn, and Bobby was that one who could teach me. He picked up things from me as well, essentially we aided in each other's development as Detectives.
We worked well together, quickly becoming one of the top detective teams in our department. I quickly developed a little crush on him. He is the cliché, 'tall, dark and handsome'. I was not the only one, most of the ladies, and some of the men were as taken with him as I was. Yet, he did not seem to see any of us. He was so focused in his own little Goren dimension that he was oblivious to the world around him; or so it seemed.
My sister Shawna and her husband Michael had been trying to have a baby for years. When they approached me to be a surrogate, I thought they were joking. After all, why would you want someone, a police detective, to carry your child? My job is dangerous, each day I run the calculated risk of not returning home. Knowing, however, the importance of this baby to Shawnie and Mike, I agreed.
One of the most difficult aspects of being pregnant was being put on the desk. Bobby was out in the city with his temporary partner, while I was at the office assisting them with the telephoning and paperwork. Bobby and I had daily visits to keep me up with the cases on which he and Bishop were working.
When I came back from my maternity leave and Bishop was on her way I discovered that Bobby and I had developed a new bond. We had been friends for years, but after my leave, we became closer. We spent more and more time together. Sometimes we would go to the other person's apartment and work on cases until the wee hours, and other times we would just watch DVDs.
It was on one of those movie nights when he kissed me for the first time. I felt like a teenager as we kissed. My head was spinning when he left, and I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling touching my lips and wondering what was to come. I had vowed to myself that I would never let myself become emotionally attached to another man. Although it had been years, Drew's death was still painful to me.
Filled with confusion, I visited the cemetery. I sat down on the ground next to the headstone and felt the tears roll down my cheeks. I did not make any effort to stop them. Sometimes even the iron strong Alex Eames needs a good cry. I missed him so much.
That evening I had a dream about Andrew and Bobby. In the dream, Andrew was trying to convince me of all Bobby's strengths. It was a little like he was trying to sell Bobby to me. When I woke up, I knew that Drew approved of Bobby that he wanted me to move on. I tentatively took the step and found myself on an amazing journey. Bobby and I belonged together. It was almost as if Drew sent him to me. Little by little I opened my heart to him, and he was there, offering me the love, loyalty, trust and companionship that I did not realize I had been longing for. I returned these favors to Bobby; I was slightly amazed at how quickly I fell in love with him.
A year passed. A wonderful year of rediscovering a world in love. We were inseparable. Deakins knew about our relationship, but chose to ignore it. We were careful not to give him any reason to reassess his decision.
I was enjoying life and having fun when the day came. Bobby and I were at one of our favourite restaurants when he dropped to one knee and proposed to me. I froze. There is no other way to describe it. Part of me wanted to yell 'yes' and jump into his arms; the other part was petrified. I had lost one husband to this god-forsaken job. I was not ready to let that happen again. I pulled away from him and read the hurt confusion on his face. I told him that I needed time to think. He took me home; the silence in the car was deafening. When we pulled up to my building he took my hand and leaned over to kiss my cheek. He whispered in my ear that he would wait, for as long as it took.
That night my dead husband again visited me. In the dream, I was taking a shower and I heard a door slam and his voice calling out to me using the name that only he used Dria. I shut off the water and put on my robe. I found him leaning against the refrigerator, his hands in his pockets. His sandy hair was a mess like it always had been, but his face was different. In life he was always smiling, but that night he looked sad.
"Dria," he said, "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I questioned
"I'm sorry that I did not love you enough,"
My heart skipped a beat, what did he mean?
"Drew?"
"If I had loved you just a little more, maybe then you could take the next step. You would be able to love again. Dria, Bobby is perfect for you. You both need each other. He will make you happy. Dria, Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.
I awoke with a start. My alarm clock had gone off. I reached out, flipped it to the radio, and started to get out of bed. A chill ran down my back as a song came over the airwaves.
Sarah McLachlan
I Will Remember You
I will remember you, will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me
I wanna be the one
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside
But we can't be heard
But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
I'm so afraid to love you
But more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness
Deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had
Oh you gave me light
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Weep not for the memories
I wiped the tears from my eyes as the song ended. I was no longer going to live in the past. Drew and I would always be a part of each other, but Bobby and I; we were going to have a life together. I rushed to dress, then sped to my love's apartment. He opened the door and I jumped into his arms. All I said was 'Yes'.