Chapter 30

"Dear Sally, It's me. I know, I know. It's been forever since I sent you a tape. And you've probably forgotten the sound of my voice. But I really wanted to talk to you about something- something that happened. I'm so worried about it, about a lot of things. So I pulled out my recorder, and thought of you. I've been thinking about it- how we relied so much on each other. We sent these tapes and it was like a way to stay in touch, but not only that, a way to make sense of our worlds. Does that sound silly? But I really need that right now."

Felicity sat down on the sofa in their apartment, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She sighed, and then put the recorder to her lips once more. "I don't know where to begin. I guess with Ben's dad being sick. Did I tell you about that? Well, he got worse and Ben went to Palo Alto to see him, and they had this amazing talk where they started to work through their issues. I was so proud of him for doing it. But now something's happened, and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to make it better. You see, Ben's dad…he died. We just found out a few days ago. And Ben, well he is understandably upset. I mean, he should be. But there's something else. It's like a part of him has left me. I know I shouldn't be thinking about me, but he's my husband now. And I want to share everything with him, even the sad things. Like this. But he….for some reason, has pulled away. I know what you'll say- that I need to give him his space. But it's just so hard. I hate to see him hurting so much. The other night, I tried to get him to talk about it and we had this awful little argument. Well, it wasn't really an argument, just a…difficult talk, I guess. It didn't end badly, or anything."

Felicity stopped for a minute, her mind taking her back to that moment. She knew she had to share this with her friend, so she could get the guidance she wanted. But it was hard. "I just told him that it was hard to see him so sad, and that I wanted him to talk to me about it. And well, he said that he didn't have anything to talk about. That his father was dead, and that was all there was to it. I pushed, which I know I shouldn't have……" Her mind took her back to that night, and she could still hear what they had said to each other.

"Felicity, I know that you just want to help. But there is nothing to say. My dad is gone. That's all there is to it."

"But Ben, you don't ever want to talk about it. And I know you must need to. I mean, I would. Losing your father is so awful….."

"Yeah, it's awful. But not everything needs to be talked about all the time. Yes, I'm upset he's gone. But I don't want to keep going over it. He's gone, and I just have to deal with it."

"I understand, Ben. I know you're very busy with school and work. But, I can tell you're trying to keep yourself occupied, though. You don't even want to go out anymore. We don't sit and watch movies together anymore."

"Felicity, this has nothing to do with you. Just like you said, I'm busy. I have a lot going on. We had dinner together tonight, though."

"Yes, I loved that. But you're a million miles away. I want to know what you're thinking, if there's anything I can do for you. To make you feel better."

Ben stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back from the table. "There really isn't anything you can do. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I…I just need some time to think. It's not about you. We're okay, we are. I swear."

Felicity nodded, but knew she was not quite sure of what he had said.

"Look, I'm going to go to the library for a bit. To study. I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Felicity stood. "You can't study here?"

"No, not really. The other night, you sat next to me, supposedly working on something, but you kept looking at me. I can't concentrate with you doing that."

Felicity understood what he meant, and backed off. She knew she was a bit overbearing at times. "Maybe I was admiring your profile. Thinking about drawing your portrait," she said with a small smile.

Ben chuckled. "Well, I hope that isn't true. There is no way you're doing my portrait." He moved closer to her, and leaned in to kiss her on the cheek. "Listen, thanks for caring about me so much. I just don't want to talk sometimes, you know that."

"Yeah, I know that. I just hoped it would get better once we were married."

"Felicity, being married doesn't change who you are. And like I said, there really isn't anything for me to talk about. Dad is gone. I have to move on."

"Yeah, I know," she nodded.

Felicity moved her position, this time lounging on the couch with her feet propped up on the coffee table. She put her mouth to the recorder again. "Sally, I know that he's right, that you have to move on from something like this. He needs to work through this on his own, and it'll take time. But when he pulls away from me like this, as much as I understand why, I get scared. I mean, he's my husband, but I'm still this insecure girl who worries she is going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her. The guy I followed to NY, and have loved all my life. I don't know why."

She sighed, taking a breath before continuing. "Maybe it's not even about Ben. Maybe it's just the fact that people can be taken from you so abruptly, right after you are trying to make amends. It's scary. I mean, his family is forever changed now. What will happen in the future? What will become of his mom? That's the thing, I guess. The future."

She paused for a moment, the truth hitting her: what was really scaring her. "I don't know why it sounds so scary to me. That word. The future. Maybe it's the fact that I don't even know what my future will be. I can't even make up mind about my career, about what I want to do. And to think that everything is so fleeting, and that things like this happen. I mean, I get so worried about every little disagreement Ben and I have, or a classmate, or friend and I have. And I realize I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I know that I have this wonderful marriage that I treasure, but nothing else seems certain to me anymore. I was used to having my life all planned out for me, and now we're going to graduate in less than a few months. And I have no idea what I am going to do. For a job, for anything. I'm scared to change my major back to pre-med, I'm scared to stick with art. I mean, I can't even get a stupid art dealer in town to even look at my stuff."

She cringed, remembering the day last week she took her portfolio to an art gallery in town and was immediately rejected. "And did I tell you that they let Professor Cavallo come back to work? I can't believe that. I mean, after what he did to me. I guess they put him on some sort of suspension, and he isn't teaching a full load of classes, but he's still here. I have to see him in the halls, or hear other students talking about him. And every time I think about him, I cringe. I think maybe he was right about me, that I'm not meant to be an artist. I don't even know that I am, myself. I've lost that faith I used to have. I feel like I'm a bit lost, and the only person I want to talk about it with- Ben- I don't feel like I can." She paused again, realizing she had been talking for a long time. "Well, I'm sure you're worn out listening to me complain about my life. I know I shouldn't ask this, but can you send me a tape real soon? Let me know what you think. I guess I just needed to talk this out. So, talk back to me soon, okay?"

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Ben and Sean headed back to the apartment after a tough game of basketball. They were shivering from the cold, but drenched with sweat nonetheless. Sean was complaining the whole way, Ben having beaten him once again.

"Man, I just don't get it. How come you never give me a break? I can't ever win a game against you."

"Well, maybe that's because you suck," Ben joked in reply.

"God, man. That was harsh," Sean said with a pout.

Ben chuckled. "Sorry, man. But you always ask me this after every game we play. Yet you never get any better. Do you even play with anyone else besides me? Maybe you need to practice more."

"Yeah, right. Who am I going to play with? Richard? Or Meghan?"

Ben laughed, "Oh God, no. No one would win that game."

They laughed together as Ben opened the door to the apartment. Sean followed him in. "So what's next, man? You going to work now or what?"

Ben threw his bag down on the floor, grabbing some water for the both of them out of the fridge. "Nope, not tonight. I have to study and work on my lab some. I shouldn't even have played basketball. I have too much to do."

Sean nodded. He was hesitant as he started to speak again. "Hey, how are you doing, man? I mean, about your dad. You haven't really talked about it."

"You, too, huh?" Ben said, as he shook his head.

"What?"

"Nothing, just Felicity was riding me about how important it is to talk things out. And now you're doing it, too."

"Ben, she just does that because she loves you."

"I know that." Ben sat down on the couch and began kicking his shoes off. "But there is nothing to say, really. I lost my dad, but I was never really close to him anyway. It's my mom she should be so worried about."

"Yeah, I know she's having it rough now. I'm sorry, man."

"It's okay. I'm used to it. I mean, helping my mom out."

"That's tough, man. A lot of stuff on your plate."

Ben stood up, and moved towards the fridge to get a snack. "Yeah, that's for sure. Listen man, I need to get to studying. I'll call you later this week, okay?"

"Sure. I guess I should say thanks for the game, but I'm not sure I will."

Ben patted him on the back, and walked him to the door. "Maybe next time, man." They both laughed as the door closed between them. Like that would ever happen, Ben thought as he shook his head.

Just then he noticed the light on their answering machine was blinking. They had a message. It's probably my mom again, he sighed. But when he pushed the button he heard a voice he never thought he'd have to hear again:

"Felicity, it's Noel. I know I probably shouldn't be leaving you a message, since Ben might pick it up. And you haven't called me since we talked last. But I was talking to Elena the other night, and she told me about Ben's dad. That he died. And I just wanted to call and give him my condolences. And you, too. I feel so bad for him and his family. This is so awful. Anyway, I was just thinking about you. And I was hoping we could talk again. I liked seeing you the other day. Well, I know this is probably kind of odd, me calling, but I just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you- about both you guys. Call me if you can. Bye."

Ben stood there unable to move for several long seconds. He felt as if he had been hit in the pit of the stomach. Why is Noel calling here? When did he and Felicity talk? Why didn't she tell me? His thoughts started to race, imagining all the horrible things this could mean, and he needed to sit down.

He was still sitting there, with his head in his hands, when Felicity opened the door an hour later. She came over to him quickly. "Ben? What's wrong, honey? Are you okay?"

He lifted his head from his hands, and she could tell he had tears in his eyes. He didn't speak, he only looked at her.

"Ben? I'm here. Tell me what is wrong."

He stood up, and began pacing, looking at the floor. "Did you talk to him because I wouldn't? Because I've been so busy, is that why you talked to him?"

"Him? Who's him? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Noel," he said firmly.

A shiver ran down her immediately after hearing his name. She felt awful, she had meant to tell Ben about talking to him, but never did. "Ben, what happened? Did he call here or something?"

"Yeah, he left you a message. Something about being sorry about my dad, and wanting to continue your talk, or whatever." He paused, shaking his head in disbelief. "You talked to him? Why?"

"Ben, it was a few weeks ago. At Dean and Deluca. He came to see me there. He just wanted to talk, and try to move on from where we left things. It was nothing, really."

"Nothing? What did you even talk about? I mean, he sounded like it was something serious. Just the way he said it, that you had talked."

"Ben, it was nothing. I just told him some things that were bothering me. That's all. It was very uncomfortable for me, actually."

"What things that are bothering you? Was it all about my dad? Or what?"

"No, not about your dad. It was right before he got so sick."

"Then what was it?" He kept pacing around the room, avoiding eye contact.

"Ben, can you stop moving around, please. You're making me nervous. Can we sit down, please?"

He moved over to the couch, and sat beside her. "Felicity, I just don't understand why you couldn't tell me you had this talk with Noel. Something must've happened for you not to tell me about it."

"No, no, no. That's not it. You just had your own stuff going on. Listen, it was not that big of a deal. He asked me about my classes, and I told him I was kind of confused. About what I wanted to do, you know, stuff like that."

"You're confused about what you want to do? What do you mean? You love your art classes," Ben replied, his voice calming some.

"Yeah, I love them. But- but you remember when we were in Florida, and you helped that woman who had fallen and hurt herself? And how you've helped Javier with his heart trouble. You just- you have so much to offer, to help people. And I think about art, and how there is nothing that I can do with it that would make as much of a difference as being a doctor…"

"Yeah, but I'm not even sure I'm going to make it through this pre-med thing."

She leaned over and took his hand in hers. "I know that, Ben. And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I am absolutely certain that you'll make it. But that's not it, it's not you. It's about me. Maybe….maybe I'm thinking I shouldn't have switched to art. I mean, maybe I just did that because I wanted to do something on my own. But now, I just don't know if it's what I should do. I don't know what I want to do, really. Everything is so scary to me," she whispered, a bit ashamed to say this in front of him.

Ben softened immediately. "Babe, you never told me this. I didn't know you were feeling this way."

"I know. I wanted to talk to you about it, but you were so busy with your mom and dad, I just didn't want to burden you with my silly worries. What was going on with you and your family was much more important."

Ben shook his head. "No, nothing is as important to me as what is going on with you. I mean it." He leaned over and touched his hand to her cheek. "So, you talked about all this with Noel? What did he say?"

She laughed lightly. "He told me I should talk to you about it."

He chuckled in reply. "Well, that's the best advice I've heard from that guy in a long time."

"Yeah," she smiled. "Ben, I'm sorry. I don't mean to keep things from you."

He grasped her hand in his and brought her palm to his lips. "Well, the way I see it we both need to do some more talking. You were telling me to open up, well I think it goes both ways. You need to tell me what is going on, too."

"I know. I will."

"Listen, we don't know what's going to happen in the future. But you never have to face things alone. We're partners. But you need to tell me things like this. Okay? I don't like feeling like I just did. That I didn't know what was going on with you. It scared me. And I'm sorry that I haven't been talking to you much, about my dad. I need to do better at that, I know."

"Yeah, but I don't need to pressure you so much. So I am at fault, too."

Ben rubbed his thumb across her palm. "No, you're not. We just have to work together. And if you want to go back to pre-med, that's fine by me. That's great, actually. Then we can study together."

"I'm not sure much studying would be going on," she laughed lightly.

"Yeah, probably not," he smiled in return.

"We okay, now?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, yeah. We're perfect." He leaned his forehead onto hers, and they sat there, heads close together, for some time.