Chapter 31

Before they knew it, Valentine's Day had come and gone, and Ben and Felicity were full force into their final semester at UNY. Felicity had decided to remain with art for now, and start premed sometime after they graduated. She figured she might as well finish her degree, and move on from there. Ben agreed, and they spent many a night talking about the future. Ben knew he was far from done with school though, and struggled a bit with knowing that while he was still in school, their lives would not be easy. He worried about money, and how he would support them both. He worried where he would even finish his premed classes, as they had not decided yet if they would remain in NY or not. On top of that, he still mourned his father and some days were very tough on him. So, today, on this rainy day in early March, he found himself sitting across from Dr. Pavone. Felicity had encouraged him to come see her, but now he was seriously regretting that decision. He hated how she just stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

Ben coughed, clearing his throat. "Um…like I said, I'm not sure why I'm here. I just know Felicity thought it might help…to have someone to talk to, I guess."

"Yeah, you said that a minute ago. So, why are you here? Don't tell me why Felicity thought you should come. I want to hear what you're thinking," Dr. Pavone said almost forcefully, as she gazed at him.

Ben shuffled in his seat, as he had been doing since he walked in her door. She had this way of making him very uncomfortable. "I don't know why I'm here, really. I guess…I just know Felicity wanted me to try this, and….well, I know she's normally right about things, so I'm here," he replied, smiling at the end.

"I see," she said, nodding her head.

Ben shook his head, "Is that all you're going to say? I see?"

"Ben, you seem to think I'm the one who's supposed to be talking here. But you're the one who came to see me, and said you wanted to talk. I'm just sitting here waiting for that talking to start."

Ben nodded, knowing she was right, and he had to start talking or he'd never leave here. But truth be told, he didn't want to be here at all. "I guess it's just that Felicity has been worried about me, and maybe I've been worried a bit, too."

Dr. Pavone nodded, imploring him to continue. "What about?"

Ben shuffled in his seat again, "I don't know. Everything, I guess. School, Felicity, my dad."

"Well, I can understand why you're thinking about your dad. Is that what you want to talk about?"

"I don't know. There really isn't much to say."

"I see," she nodded. She could tell he was going to clam up on that topic for now. "Then let's back up a bit, and talk about why you're worried about Felicity. Did you two have a fight or something? Is that why you're here?"

"No, no, we haven't fought. We just got back from spring break. We went out of town for a bit, and we had a great time. We always do," he smiled shyly.

"Then why are you worried?"

"About Felicity? I guess I'm not, really. It's just, well….we're married now and I don't know how we're going to do this thing. I mean with me going to be in pre med for so long, and all."

"Oh, so you're worried about if you can take care of her, provide for her," she asked.

"Provide? I don't know, I don't think of it that way. Well, maybe I do. Just, you know, life. How we will make it. I guess it's just money, I'm thinking about. And just her, you know," he replied quietly.

"What about her?"

Ben shuffled in his seat once again, not sure he wanted to talk about this. "I guess it goes back to my dad really."

"I see. How exactly?"

"Just…well, you know he died right? Just a couple months ago?"

"Yeah, Felicity told me. I'm very sorry, Ben."

"That's just it. I'm not, at least not all the time. He was….not an easy person to be around. You know…."

"Yes, I know about some of the stuff he put you through. But he was your father, Ben. Maybe part of what you're going through is just grief. Did you think about that? There are normal phases…."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Felicity has told me that so many times," he interrupted, not wanting to go over that again.

Dr. Pavone nodded, taking in his refusal to talk about his father and deciding not to push it. "So, how does your father, and your relationship with him, impact you and Felicity? You seem to be making a connection between the two."

Ben looked down at his feet, thinking about how to put into words what he has been feeling. "I don't know. I guess I worry if I am…in any way, like him," he said finally.

"Hmmm…I wondered if that was where you were going with this. And though I never met your father, I can't see any comparison between the two of you. Why do you think there is?"

"I'm not sure. I know that I'm not a drunk like him, but will I be….a failure, like he was? I mean, he totally messed up his career and wasted his…."

"Ben, I'm going to stop you right there. How do you think you're a failure?"

Ben exhaled slowly, "I'm not saying that I am, now, I mean. I just worry about down the road, will I be able to do all of this? I mean, I get so angry and frustrated some times, and I don't know that I can really be a doctor…"

"How are you angry?"

Ben thought about it for a moment, "I guess with myself, really."

"I see," she replied.

"God, you love that phrase, don't you?" he shook his head in exasperation.

"Yeah, I do," she replied. "Please go on."

"I don't know what I'm trying to say," he whispered.

"You were saying sometimes you feel angry with yourself. Why?"

"I don't know if I'm angry really, more just irritated. Or annoyed. I don't know." He paused. "I guess I just worry about us, I mean me and Felicity. I don't know why she's with me, I guess. I know that sounds stupid. I mean, she did marry me…"

"Yes, she surely did. That has to count for something, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, I know," he paused, not sure what else he wanted to say.

Dr. Pavone looked at him thoughtfully, "Let me see if I can put this all together. You are grieving your father, and when you think about what sort of person he was, and your relationship with him, you worry that, somehow, you will continue that pattern. And that is starting to make you doubt your ability to be a doctor, to be the person that you truly are. And in some ways, more importantly, it makes you wonder if you deserve to be with Felicity. Am I right?"

Ben thought about it for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Ben, you never give yourself enough credit. You've been like that as long as I've known you. You're a much better person, and capable of much more, than you ever give yourself credit for."

Ben shuffled in his seat again, and when he stopped, he looked at her. "I guess. Felicity….she always has this faith in me. I don't know where it came from. I guess, it's just, I don't ever want to disappoint her. And I'm afraid I will, someday."

"Ben, I can understand that. But what you're forgetting is that people make mistakes, things are rough sometimes. You're not always going to know what you want to do, or whether you can do it or not. But life's not about being perfect. And it's not always going to be perfect between Felicity and you either. But what is important to remember is that she loves you, and it's plainly obvious that you love her, too. Look, I think you need to start giving yourself more credit, and let life go the way it's going to go. Not think about it so much."

Ben nodded, taking in what she said.

"It's funny, really, you and Felicity. You've become so similar in some ways. I used to tell her the same thing."

Ben laughed, "Yeah, I guess so." He grew quiet again. "I wish I had her strength, though."

"Look, Ben. You do have strength. You have a lot of things. The point is, you need to start believing in yourself. I can't make you do that, Felicity can't either. It's something that you have to do for yourself."

"Yeah, I think you're right."

"Good, then get on out of here. Go home to your wife," she stood up. "And don't come back here whining about you're not good enough for her. I don't want to hear it."

Ben laughed, embarrassed, as he stood up to leave. "Okay, okay. You have a deal," he smiled.

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That same day, Felicity and Elena were studying at the apartment. They had a bowl of chips and pretzels, as well as soda sitting on the table in front of them. But they kept coming back to the bowl of M&M's, which continued to be Elena's favorite snack while she was studying.

"So, how is Ben holding up?" Elena asked, as she stuffed another handful of treats in her mouth.

Felicity looked up from her book, "Well, I think he's actually doing okay now. He seems to be dealing with his dad a bit better. He's not as quiet, you know? I just hope he won't kill me for sending him to talk to Dr. Pavone."

"Whoa, Ben is talking to Dr. Pavone? Right now?"

"I'm not sure he is right now, but he was supposed to talk to her sometime today, yeah. Why? You don't think that's a good idea?"

"No, I just know she can be kind of intimidating."

"Yeah, I know. Believe me. I've been there."

"Why did you suggest he talk to her? Is it about his classes?"

"Yeah, partly. He just has a lot of stuff on his mind and I thought it would help."

Elena shook her head. "Wow, that boy really does love you if he'd go talk to her just because you asked him to."

Felicity smiled shyly, looking down. "Yeah, I know." She paused. "Oh, did I tell you he and I talked about our majors, and what we both want to do?"

"No, what did you have to talk about? I mean, he's premed, and you're doing your art thing."

"My art thing, huh? You sound like my dad," Felicity replied with a sigh.

"Well, you know I was never happy about losing my lab partner," Elena said.

"That's the thing. You may have your old lab partner back after all," Felicity said with a smile.

"What? You're going back to premed? Oh my God!" She stood up and walked over to hug her friend. Felicity accepted the hug, and started to blush.

"Don't get too excited. We're just talking about how after we finish our degrees here, we may both try to do some premed classes at the same time. At least Ben will, and I can do a little bit here and there. It's going to be tough, financially, which is what Ben is worrying about. But he was so great. He listened to me talk about why I wanted to do it, and he was supportive. I was kind of scared to talk to him about it."

"You? Scared to talk? Wow, it must be serious then," Elena joked.

Felicity swatted her on the arm, and told her to sit back down. "Stop it. I am serious. I just don't know if art is what I want to do, at least not forever. I mean, I want to do something to help people and my paintings and drawings don't do that."

"Yeah, I know. But you're really good at it Felicity. I mean it, you are."

"Yeah, well, you should come with me to the art galleries then. They've all shot me down pretty quickly. It's been horrible."

"Girl, all you have to do is keep at it. They'll see how good you are. And you could teach, like you mentioned once before."

"Yeah, I may do that. We're not really sure yet. We're just going to finish this semester and go from there. But, I thought you should know I may need a lab partner again soon. Though you'll probably leave me and go to Columbia or some cool place like that."

"I'm not sure yet. But I can finish things off here. I know my dad would think that is a good idea, for financial reasons."

"Well, whatever you decide to do, I may be calling you so we can study together."

"Girl, you know I'd love that. We're not going to lose touch no matter what. Don't you even worry about that."

"Good, I am glad to hear that, " she smiled.

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Later that night, as Felicity was looking through her increasingly complicated planner, she began to sigh. Her schedule was getting so tough. She had decided to take an additional class on art education, so now she was taking 16 credit hours. It was wearing on her already. She wished she was back on spring break with Ben. She smiled, just thinking about it. Then she looked at her calendar and noticed something else. She saw that she was a few days late on her period. She stopped, staring at the calendar. That's the last thing I need now. A pregnancy scare. She started looking at her schedule again, deciding it was nothing. It's probably just stress. That's all it is. I'll start my period tomorrow, I'm sure. But the more she thought about it, the more she worried that wasn't the case. She looked back over the last month. I had my period last on…February 5. That's right, it stopped before Ben and I went away for Valentine's Day. She looked at this month, March, and saw she was due to start five days ago. I'm five days late. She started to panic a bit, so she sat down. This is the last thing Ben needs now. He would be so worried. It's not the right time. Once again, she shook her head, trying to get the thought out of her head. But it didn't work. What if I am pregnant? Will Ben be upset? Finally, she got up and headed into the kitchen to get a drink. I will go out tomorrow and get one of those pregnancy tests. I'm sure it will be negative. And my period will start tonight, I just know it.

As she continued to try and talk herself out of worrying about the possibility of being pregnant, she began to think about the night they spent at the beautiful hotel Ben had surprised her with on Valentine's Day…..

"Oh, Ben….this is the same room we had sophomore year!" She ran over to him and gave him a huge hug, then kissed him on the cheek.

Ben let his head fall into her neck, as he always did, and inhaled her scent. "Mmmm…well, I thought it would bring back some nice memories. I guess you like it then?"

Felicity pulled away so she could look at his face. She kissed him quickly. "Of course I like it," she said excitedly.

"I'm glad," Ben replied, kissing her on the nose. He moved to show her the bed. "Do you remember lying here and talking about the beds at the loft? It feels like yesterday."

"Yeah, I remember that. But I remember the other stuff we did more…" she said mischievously, as she came up behind him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

Ben laughed lightly, "Yeah, I remember that, too." He turned to face her, "I wanted to be with you so bad that night. I hated that you had to leave."

"Well, if I remember correctly, your silly watch made me late for my test," she said with mock seriousness.

"Hmmm… it didn't seem like you minded much. At least…not while we were so… distracted," he whispered sexily, leaning in to kiss her ear. "Remember?"

Felicity could feel the effects of his hot breath on her skin already, she sighed, "Oh yes, I do. I believe we were both a bit bad….. And if I hadn't had to go look for Professor Morton, I think that would've been our first time." She began to lick his neck a bit, and smiled when he took a deep inhale as her hands made their way into his front pockets.

"I wanted to make love to you so bad that day," Ben whispered huskily. "It nearly killed me, having to wait." He moved his lips to her mouth and sucked on her lower lip as he rubbed his hands up and down her back.

"Well, Mr. Covington, this time I won't make you wait," she whispered into his ear. She led him over to the bathroom, pulling on the front of his shirt as she did.

"Where are we going Mrs. Covington?" Ben grinned.

"I thought we'd have a bath in this great tub. This time I won't be too shy to invite you to join me," she teased.

Ben grabbed her to him when they made into the bathroom, kissing her with all his might. She nearly fell over from the intensity of the kiss, and he caught her just as they both nearly toppled over on the floor. They giggled. "I think someone is very excited," she giggled. They both took off their clothes in a hurry, then Ben leaned over to start the bath as he gazed at her. "God, you're so beautiful."

Felicity moved toward him, stepping out of her panties as she did. She pulled him over to the sink, and leaned back as he began to place hot, wet kisses on her neck. Before either one knew what was happening, Ben had placed her on the sink and he was pressing against her. She looked at him, and whispered "I want you." That was all he needed to hear, and he entered her. Their passion overtook them, as Ben moved gently within her, both of them moaning each other's name. Ben held her close against him, as she clutched at his back. Their movements intensified until they both couldn't take it anymore, and they collapsed against the sink. Ben put his head to hers, "We never made it to the tub," Felicity giggled, "No, we didn't. But I think the water is plenty warm now…." They both giggled, as Ben helped her off of the sink and led her to the tub………

Felicity smiled, thinking about that night. She knew they had made very good use of both the tub and the bed. I wouldn't be surprised if that is when it happened, she thought to herself. Then she shook her head, How could I be pregnant? I don't think I've missed any of my birth control pills. She couldn't help but be happy, if only for the smallest moment, as she thought about the possibility. Ben and I are gonna have a baby! But then she began to worry. What will Ben think?