A/N: This is my one-shot Incredibles fanfic, which has been re-written from a script I wrote for a English assignment. I got full marks for it, so I don't want to hear complaints about the OOCness or the lack of realism or anything like that… For this is a comedy, and this is designed to amuse, not to be accurate. Other than that, comment as you must. BTW, the only characters I own are the reporter, the cameraman and the assistant. I possibly own the characters of the Fantastic Rubber and Electroman. I'm not too sure if I've ripped them off from somewhere.
Legalness: I don't own many of the characters in this story, seeing as this is a fanfic. Please don't sue me. Onwards with the fanficcing!
The scene is outside the Insuracare Building. Outside, is a news crew consisting of a reporter, cameraman and an assistant for the local TV station, and a very irritated Mirage. So let us see why this is so.
"We're live outside the Insuracare Building, formally the offices of Insuracare, now the home of the newly formed S.A.V.U., the Super and Villain Union. We're speaking to the official spokesperson, Mirage. Mirage, why a union, I mean, don't Supers and Villains fight each other?" asks the reporter. The cameraman points his camera at Mirage, who quickly puts on an impression of a calm spokesperson.
"True, but Supers and Villains are dependant on each other. If the Supers manage to defeat all of the Villains, they're out of a job. The same thing applies if the Villains manage to eliminate all the Supers. Besides, both Supers and Villains want to avoid the events that happened fifteen years ago." The cameraman adjusts his camera, which has now zoomed out to include the reporter.
"But a union?" he asks.
"Well, being a Superhero is a legitimate occupation. The same with being a Villain. And there are unions for just about everything. Why can't the Supers and Villains have their own union?" The reporter is puzzled.
"Fair enough…" In a perky voice, he says, "Back to you, Kate!"
"And… CUT!" shouts the cameraman.
Mirage drops her image of a calm spokesperson, and decides to confront this annoying, foolish reporter.
"Okay… So why does a new union mean a TV crew need to come out?" she asks.
"Because it's for you Supers and Villains!"
"But why? You don't give this treatment to normal people!"
"Because it's news!" shouts the exasperated reporter, but Mirage isn't really listening. She's stormed off towards the Insuracare Building, with the assistant and cameraman following her. The reporter runs to catch up to her. She's opened big, heavy wooden doors.
"Mirage, I don't care if you don't like this or not. This IS NEWS," states the reporter.
"Pfft! You people wouldn't know what news was even if it belly danced in front of you revealing Elastigirl's identity!" says Mirage angrily. The reporter is excited now.
"Wait! You know Elastigirl's identity!"
SLAM!
The doors are shut, much to the reporter's annoyance.
"Darn it! I guess we'll have to stake it out. Someone bring me coffee, white, two sugars! NOW!"
Let us ignore this reporter, because right now, he's just boring. We follow Mirage into the lobby of the Insuracare Building, because doors mean nothing to us.
Mirage is currently waiting for the lift, which she is waiting for.
Several minutes later, it has become obvious the lift is never going to come. Out of the jacket Mirage is wearing, comes a walkie talkie.
"Someone tell Electroman to stop absorbing the power!" she says, clearly annoyed at the way her day has been going.
A cracking voice comes back over the walkie talkie: "Can't. Electroman's passed out. The Fantastic Rubber gave him a bear hug." Mirage shakes her head at this piece of news.
"Darn him… Okay, thank you." Mirage walks up the stairs, conveniently placed next to the lift.
We are now in a dark room. Obviously, nothing can be seen. Mirage steps into the room.
"May I have some light please?" she asks, ever so nicely.
"NO! I need the light!" replies Underminer. Mirage rolls her eyes at this request.
"Fine! All those in favour of leaving the room dark, say I." A chorus of voices go, "I!"
"And those in favour of some light?"
"I!" reply the other half of the room. Mirage shakes her head at the fact that the room is divided exactly 50-50. How does she know this? I don't know. Who cares, really?
"Half each. Okay. I want some light… Light!" Mirage claps her hands. The Fantastic Rubber stops bear hugging Electroman (the two of them are best friends… really…), who then glows bright, revealing a room that is very UN-styled. Underminer hisses at Electroman before ducking under a desk.
"Welcome to the founding meeting of S.A.V.U…" starts Mirage, before Bomb Voyage interrupts by standing up.
"Mademoiselle Mirage?"
"Yes Mr. Voyage?" Being a villain, Bomb Voyage doesn't show any concern for the English speakers in the room, and so decides to speak in French. However, my French sucks, so here it is in English...
"Miss, we're curious… The Supers and Villains Union… Who said this? My dream… Our dream…" He points a finger at…
"Monsieur Incredible!" Mr. Incredible rolls his eyes at the drama.
"What dream?" he asks.
"The name! Scélérat et Super Héros Union!" shouts Bomb Voyage. Mr. Incredible is now annoyed.
"And what? Have some French name only you can pronounce?" Mr Incredible pulls a face and says rather mockingly, "Skae lae rat it Souper Heeeero Uni on! Yeah, right!"
"Shut up!"
"Y'know, Dad, that might be a good idea…" says Violet to her father.
"Hey, Incredible! Your daughter's actually right! Shut yer trap!" shouts The Fantastic Rubber, a Super who is extremely flexible and capable of absorbing electricity. He points a finger at Bomb Voyage.
"You too, Voyage!"
"Never!"
Chaos breaks out across the room as the Supers and Villains start having arguments. Meanwhile, Mirage is getting a bad headache and does not know how to react. Gradually, the voices are getting louder… and louder… They keep getting louder… Soon after, Dash gets the idea of giving Bomb Voyage a wedgie. He sneaks up behind him ever so quickly and quietly.
"WEDGIE!" Dash pulls Bomb Voyage's pants up and grins as he lets out a high, girlish scream. Mirage has had enough. Out of frustration and anger, she screams, "SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! CAN'T YOU VILLAINS JUST DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT S.A.V.U. SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER THAN V.A.S.U OR SCÉLÉRAT ET SUPER HÉROS UNION? AND SUPERS, WHY DIDN'T YOU CONSULT THEM ON THE NAME?"
There is silence for a few seconds…
"Mirage! Good suggestion!" says the Underminer. Mirage looks at him quizzically.
"What suggestion?"
"V.A.S.U sounds way better than S.A.V.U!"
"No way! S.A.V.U!" replies Electroman. The arguing starts again as Mirage shakes her head in dismay.
Who wants to hear constant arguing? Not me, so let us return to the stakeout of the news crew. The reporter has finished his cup of coffee. He scrunches it up and throws it. It lands on top of a pile of paper cups. The pile then tumbles.
"Darn it! Assistant! Tidy that pile up! NOW!" he says, frustrated. The assistant, who's short with thick glasses and looks like he's about ready to cry, rushes over and attempts to put some sort of order to the pile.
"Geez! How long can Supers, Villains and some spokeswoman be! I mean, come on! It's only a union…" he starts muttering before the ground starts rumbling, ruining the assistant's pile. The cameraman rushes up to the reporter, his shirt sticking to his obese body, having been in the sun all day, forced to carry his camera everywhere.
"Did you feel that?" he asks, worried.
"Yeah. Earthquake?"
"Nope," shouts the assistant, who's using his mobile phone, "no alerts today!" The rumbling starts again, this time a lot harder.
"Get a live!" shouts the reporter.
"Already been done! Get ready to film!" says the assistant. The cameraman hoists his camera on his shoulder and nods to the reporter, who nods to the assistant.
"When you're ready!"
"And… Rolling!"
The reporter gains a serious composure, as he begins reporting.
"We interrupt your normal viewing to report live outside the Insuracare Building, where we've just felt…" A dusty implosion can be seen and the mysterious rumbling can be felt again. The reporter turns around to witness…
"Whoa! The Insuracare Building just collapsed! What in the world just happened?" Out of what seems to be nowhere, Supers and Villains appear and begin fighting. The reporter glares at the cameraman and assistant, who inch back in slight fear, knowing what he wants them to do. Rather reluctantly, they follow the reporter, who is nimbly dodging the various Supers and Villains. Out the other side, they see Mirage facing the Insuracare Building rubble.
Cautiously, they approach Mirage. The reporter takes a few steps closer.
"Uh… Mi… Mirage… Would you… Be able to tell us what happened?" asks the reporter just as cautiously as they approached her, remembering the earlier encounter.
"I… I can't believe it… All gone. It's all gone…" she explains, explaining nothing, not realising who's talking to her. The reporter taps her on the shoulder. She turns around and doesn't quite register she's talking to the same reporter from earlier.
"Mirage? What happened?"
"S.A.V.U fell apart. So did the building."
"Over what?" By now, the shock of the day's events have sunk in. She starts sobbing incoherently. After a little bit, what she's saying can be understood…
"The name! Over the name! Mr. Incredible was supposed to talk to Frozone who was supposed to talk to the Underminer who was supposed to talk to Electroman who was supposed to talk to Bomb Voyage but didn't and he brought it up but no-one really agreed to anything then they started arguing then Boulder Guy threw the Underminer into the floor and because of that Bomb Voyage tried throwing a bomb at Jack-Jack so Elastigirl slapped him and Jack-Jack caught on fire melting the steel so Mr. Incredible got everyone out to the shock of the Fantastic Rubber so he bear-hugged Electroman to try and deal with his emotional state then this broke out because Violet who has a crush on Electroman thought Bomb Voyage attacked him…" Mirage is gasping for breath, her face having turned blue practically.
"So there you have it. The Supers and Villains Union…"
"Scélérat et Super Héros Union!"
"The Villains and Supers Union!" The reporter glares at the Supers and Villains, shaking his head at them.
"… Well, whatever it was called, has disbanded after forming twenty minutes ago. We now return you to your normal viewing."
"Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnd… CUT!" shouts the cameraman. The reporter hugs Mirage sympathetically.
"It's okay, Mirage! It's okay! Deep down in your heart, I think you know it wasn't going to work…"
"Yeah, maybe…" she says sniffling.
"So you win some, you lose some. Big deal! Want a tissue?"
"Thanks."
"Assistant! Find me some tissues for Mirage! Now!" The assistant, who is currently dealing with chronic hayfever and nervous disorders, looks at him shocked, ready to start crying.
"N… Now? In this fight scene?"
"Yes! Go! Now!" The assistant, taking a deep breath, runs into the fight scene. Screaming can be heard coming from him.
Mirage smiles at the reporter. "You… You get to boss people around? You have some power?"
"Sure! It one of the perks of being a reporter!"
"So…" The reporter grins at the sudden change of mood.
"So I'm telling you to come get coffee with me!"
"Sure!" And so, the two of them walk away from the fight scene, listening to the screaming of the assistant. So ends this tale of the Rise and Fall of the S.A.V.U… or V.A.S.U… or whatever it was called.
Fin.