Chapter 1

Meeting In the Wario Room!

The time was 10:25 a.m. I knew this because I looked at my watch, which is shaped like a big hamburger, with pickle spears for the hands. I think I may have to buy a new watch soon, though. Whenever I look at this one, I get hungry and have to run to the bacon shop. I'm worried that one day, in a pinch, I'll eat this watch.

I was standing in the meeting room of my company. That's right: MY company! I built this company on my own sweat and my own blood! Yes sir! I certainly didn't pay off the mayor of Diamond City with some of my generous cash reserves (gained from treasure hunting for years) to have him evict the previous tennant, and then plop my rich butt in the CEO chair. Not only didn't I do that, I also didn't fire all the previous employees and banish them from the city forever, with promises of punishment by grating, should they ever return!

In front of me was a large rectangle table, around which sat the other members of my staff. (Technically, they're not "staff" because I'm not paying them. Well, I'm telling them I'm paying them, but they'll be in for a surprise when they get to the bank.)

To my immediate left sat Mona, an 18-year old student/pizza delivery girl. She's a bit taller than me, and she has red hair—hair that was flowing red, like the river of tomato sauce I tube down in my dreams—and she wears a red shirt and short-shorts, and a white fur coat. I definitely consider her "sexy," but I'm way too busy making money to be bothered with women. Some people whisper that she has a crush on me, but I laugh it off. Nobody can touch the big W!

To my immediate right sat my best friend—and by friend I mean 'person I'm stringing along until his usefulness is spent'—Jimmy T. He's a tall guy, with a funky as heck afro, and he wears a disco suit all the time. The guy loves to dance, and he's asked me to go with him to the dance club downtown, but every time I start shaking my hot booty, everybody else runs off the dance floor. Ha, ha, ha, I bet they're all scared that they can't do better than me!

The other members of my 'staff' sat beyond them: Dribble and Spitz, who were a bipedal dog and cat, respectively, and are cabdrivers for Diamond Taxi. My chopper broke down one morning, and I had to shell out some of my very limited cash (yeah, right) for a cab ride. So these cabbies and me get to talking, and it turns out they have a genuine interest in science fiction, which was a perfect facet to add to my software development company. So I gave the poor schlubs a job. Just because I'm such a nice guy! Wah, hah, hah!

Leroy Reich sat third from my left. He was in grade school, wore a red shirt and a helmet with lights on it. Mona was babysitting him one evening when I stopped by to use the bathroom. (My toilet was clogged, for unknown reasons.) He's a little bundle of energy, that boy; loves to scratch his plastic records. He's real fascinated with the old-school Nintendo system—something which is totally lame, since none of the games starred me! When he saw me for the first time, he ran up to me and shook my hand heartily.

"It's a great pleasure to meet the very man who gallantly defeated the great Captain Syrup, Mr. Wario sir!"

"Mona?" I said after about 30 seconds of hand-shaking, "It won't let go."

Mona laughed, which was a sound almost as lovely as the sizzle of fresh sausage. "Oh, Leroy! Don't be so hyper!"

"Sorry," he said, smiling sheepishly. "It's just that, I'm such a huge fan!"

"Ah, ha, ha," I laughed, slapping the kid on the back. "Kitchen Island was a long time ago. But I'll be glad to sign autographs… for a price! What's your name?"

"Everybody calls me 9-Volt," he said.

"Tell him why," Mona said, smiling.

"Oh, because my mother says I'm so hyper, it's like I run on batteries."

I laughed. "So, you played Warioland, huh?"

"Yes, Mr. Wario!" 9-Volt replied, beaming up at me. "I'm so dedicated to Nintendo systems that I've even programmed a few games of my own!"

I rubbed my chin. "Is that right?" I looked over at Mona, who smiled and nodded. "Er, look," I said, "Why don't you stop by the office tomorrow? We'll find you something to do."

The boy called 9-Volt grinned so big that he couldn't speak. And that was how he came to be sitting at my office table that day.

To Spitz's left sat a man of mystery, intrigue,but most of all: insanity. Not more than four feet tall and clad in a yellow suit and metal visor, Dr. Crygor commanded a certain presence in the boardroom; although he had a wonderful personality and made people laugh, nobody there would care to touch him. Especially not me, and that's saying something. He lives in a lab out in the middle of the ocean, and just wandered into my office one day asking if anybody saw a runaway hamster. As a matter of fact, I'm not really sure why I hired him; we went out for drinks, and the next morning he walked in wearing a nametag. So I shrugged and gave him an office.

Now, I've been to a lot of strange places and seen a lot of strange stuff. I've been lit on fire; I've been flattened; I've been in life-or-death battles with evil genies, but I've never had a "close encounter." At least, not until the alien spacecraft crashed into my loft apartment. What emerged from the wreckage was Orbulon, a short, white alien wearing dark sunglasses and a purple cape.

I couldn't understand a single word he said, but then he whipped out a ray gun, so I threw garlic powder on him. It must have done something, because he ran from the room making the worst sound you could ever hear. The next thing you know, he rents an apartment in Diamond City, and applies to my company. I couldn't understand a darn word he wrote on the application, but I saw he had talent.

I think I'm forgetting somebody… Oh yeah! The sisters! One day, I was fighting against this weird imp guy, who was guarding a cache of gold. It wasn't looking too good for me: he had me by the waist and was squeezing, when all of a sudden, he crumples in a heap. I drop to the ground and see these two tiny girls holding swords.

I says, "Mamma-mia! What happened?"

"We saved you, sir!" said the one with orange hair.

"No, I saved him," snarled the pink-haired one. "You just stood there like a big dummy!"

"Meanie!" sniffled the other girl, tearing up.

I now observed the situation before me. To my right stood a small girl in ninja garb with orange hair, who was crying hysterically. To my left stood her pink-haired sister, arms crossed and nose in the air. Directly in front of me was a large pile of gold. Rolling my eyes, I stuffed the gold in a sack and said, "Come on, girls, I'll buy you an ice cream…"

"Ice cream!" squealed the orange-haired one, tears immediately stopped, and she attached herself to my leg.

"Just don't keep doing that," I grumbled. It wasn't in my nature to cater to children, but I was in a good mood. I had just won a ton of money, and didn't have to exert any effort. So why not throw some loot around? Wah, hah, hah! So I brought them back to the city, bought them a snack, and then put them to work for me. Hey, I don't buy ice cream for free!

Yes, it was these seven suckers (er… I mean, employees) that now sat around my boardroom table. The boardroom attached to my proudest achievement: my software development company and huge cash cow, WarioWare Incorporated!