Love for the Lonely:

Part Trois

Kakashi rubbed his chin, trying his best not to laugh at the rather embarrassed and harassed looking Sasuke sitting across from him. He always thought that the boy would rather eat his own genitalia than ask him of all people for help with "womanly stuff", and it was rather surprising that Sasuke appeared on his doorstep, mumbling about needing help with something and his reproductive parts perfectly intact.

Kakashi stirred around the lukewarm coffee sitting in front of him. "So…what exactly do you need my help with?"

Sasuke stared down at the glass ice water in his hands and took a deep breath. "Ineedtoknowhowtohavesex," he said quickly.

"Sorry, couldn't quite catch that," Kakashi said cheerfully, leaning forward.

Sasuke gripped the glass so hard that it felt as though he crush it with his own hands. "I…need…to…know…how…to…have…sex," he grumbled between gritted teeth.

Kakashi clapped his hands and reached across the table to pat Sasuke on the shoulder. "Finally wanna lose your cherry, eh? To what girl, may I ask?"

Sasuke's brow twitched. It was embarrassing enough having to talk to this perverted loser without him getting too personal about it. All he wanted was to get some advice on hanky-panky and then hightail out of Kakashi's house, hopefully without being seen. That was it. Now was not the time for man-to-man conversations.

"Some…chick," he finally replied lamely.

Kakashi winked. "It couldn't possibly be our own Miss Haruno, huh?"

Sasuke shook his head, a shiver running down his spine. "God no."

His sensei's eyes widened. "Really? I thought you would've finally given in! I mean…" He stirred around his coffee once more and took a sip. "If I were a seventeen-year old boy with a body chock full of raging hormones, little Sakura would be one of my first choices!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. 'Nasty, perverted pedophile…that's just sick!'

He cleared his throat and set down his water. "So…err…what is the first thing you do?"

Kakashi looked as though he hadn't been asked a more flattering question. He leaned back in his chair and sighed heavily. "Well, of course, start off the date with some flowers. Roses, preferably, none of the cheap, dyed carnations. She'll just think you're a bum if you do that."

Sasuke nodded. 'Okay, flowers. Not too tough.'

Kakashi held up two fingers. "Step two: butter her up a bit. Ya know, 'You look absolutely stunning!' or 'So how was your day, my one and only?'

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably. "But what if she's hideous and what if I don't care about how her day went?"

Kakashi slapped his forehead. "Sheesh, it's a good thing you came to me! You lie, idiot! Lie! Just lie your way right to the bedroom!"

Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest. These tips really didn't seem like they'd work too well, but, hell, it was Hatake Kakashi for Pete's sake. He probably had more woman than God himself.

Kakashi put up a third finger. "Next, take her to dinner at some fancy ooh-la-la kind of place. Hold her hand, rub your knees against hers, and, this is a no-brainer, pick up the check."

Sasuke frowned. "But I'm extremely low on cash!"

Kakashi grinned. "Then you can say goodbye to becoming a man!"

Sasuke grimaced. "Fine."

Kakashi took a long drink from his now cold coffee. "Now, after dinner, you take her back home. Say 'Ah, just come in to meet the family'-" Sasuke glared at him and Kakashi quickly added "-or 'Want a drink before you go home?'. Something along the lines of that."

Sasuke leaned forward. "So when do I go in for the kill?"

Kakashi shook his head. "Sasuke, Sasuke, no woman will ever sleep with you if you talk in such a barbaric manner! Work on that, too: slicking up your lingo."

Sasuke struggled to keep all this in mind, "O-okay…"

"Anyways, to answer your question, you sit her on the couch, begin rubbing her knee and talking dirty, get her all worked up, lead her upstairs and badda-bing-badda-boom! You 'get it on'!" Kakashi leaned back and breathed deeply. "And that's it. Totally fool-proof."

Sasuke stared at his sensei. 'This is probably one plan that could have so many things go wrong…but it's all I got.'

He rested his elbows on the table. "So did your little scheme work for you?"

Kakashi nodded several times. "Oh yeah. I had that girl in the bag right after I gave her the fifty-dollar white roses two seconds after our date began!"

Sasuke twiddled his thumbs, feeling his face begin to get warm. "So how did the, err, actual, err…"

Kakashi laughed. "You mean how was the sex? Pretty good, I say. But…" He hesitated.

Sasuke rested his chin on his hands. "But what?"

Kakashi looked at the floor. "She slapped me the next morning for treating her like a total prostitute."

Sasuke's eyes widened. "Oh…how do I not get slapped for treating the girl like a prostitute?"

Kakashi sighed. "Well…you don't keep on hitting her butt and calling her your dirty little whore."

Sasuke smirked. "And you said I was the idiot." He pushed the glass towards the center of the table and stood up. "Better go get ready. Thanks for your help."

"Glad I could be of assistance!" Kakashi called to him as he the front door slammed behind him. He gave a small salute. "And god speed…"

After a moment, Kakashi frowned and realized Sasuke forgot something. No, not another tip, but something much more important…

"Damn, that little bastard didn't give me my 5000 yen like he promised," Kakashi grumbled.