Disclaimer on chapter one.
AN: Another chapter ready to go. Enjoy. Don't forget to review. dark rolling sea.
Another strong langauge warning guys.


Chapter Twenty-One

It was late when Kate and Gibbs headed back to the hotel. Donovan decided to stay with Jeb and Kylie and they left for the night. Once back at the hotel Gibbs sat on the bed and stared at the wall. Kate could see the unease in his eyes. She could feel the tension seeping from his pores. She sat down next to him.

There were no words spoken at first. She didn't know how to say it and he didn't want to listen anyway. He was dealing with the stress in his own way and Kate didn't know how to help him carry the burden. She wanted to take part of that pain and carry it for him, making the load lighter and easier to bear.

Gibbs knew he didn't have to heave the load himself anymore, he knew he didn't have to be strong behind closed doors anymore, and he knew that he didn't have to be closed off anymore. None of that matter. He didn't know how to accomplish that. He was used to holding it in, producing the brick wall around his inner being to shelter it from the outside hardship. He was used to being the iron mask of control, never showing weakness, never showing fear, never showing pain.

But he knew deep down that Kate wouldn't judge. Kate wouldn't care if he was strong or weak. She wouldn't care if he cried. Kate wouldn't leave him for being soft. Kate wouldn't make this worse. She would sit by his side and wait. She was patient. Something he could never quite understand. He would be frustrated with dealing with himself for as long as Kate has, but it doesn't seem to faze her. He was impressed with her. He was consumed by her ability to sit back and wait for him to come to her. He didn't know how she did it, or why she did it. He never knew what she saw in him to begin with.

He just knows he loves her. But now, he can't reach out to her because the walls are still high. He has had a year to tear them down and didn't because he never needed to. The time has come and he can't find the sledge hammer to smash through the encasing that surrounds his feelings from the rest of him and the outside world.

He feels trapped, enslaved by his own monster, of his own creation. He knows he must fight to escape the confinement he has created to protect himself after three failed marriages and numerous other failed relationships. He built the protection in a time where he couldn't afford to lose another person so close, or to even let someone get close enough to hurt him. He used these barriers to keep all at an arms length, to keep from finding himself caring to deeply, loving too much, hurting to bad when they betrayed him.

From the first time he met Kate he knew she wouldn't hurt him like that. He felt something in her that made him believe there was hope for him yet. And the more time he spent with her the more she found the hidden keys to unlock the steel doors, to find her way through the labyrinth of his defenses. Coming to a head with the monster gatekeeper around his heart that takes no prisoners, but like any strong warrior, Kate was not afraid.

He marveled at her ability to attack the monster from the front and hang on for dear life as it viciously fought her away. He learned early on in their relationship that she wasn't going to back down. The more gruff he threw her way, the longer she would wait to talk to him. He would know she was coming, he just never knew when.

It seemed that even though his heart wanted to talk to her about everything, the monster holding the keys to his defenses would lock him down in a prison of self reflection and loathing. And now she sat next to him, quietly, patiently, waiting for him to make the first contact, allowing him to battle the monster first in order to weaken it for her. He knew things shouldn't be so hard, but after a lifetime of pain and hurting, failed relationships, and betrayals, he had become who he was.

Gibbs waged a battle against his insecurities, needing to smash them, not having the strength on his own. He hadn't been able to put a voice to his worst fear, other than admitting loving and losing Kate was his nightmare a year ago. He wasn't strong enough to lay them out there and let someone else wrap them in a blanket.

Kate sat patiently and gently put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. He felt the strength come from her and knew he would break the barriers. He would be able to look at her and let her know just how scared he was. She would accept his human barriers; he was not a god on a pedestal in her eyes. He was Gibbs. That's all she needed. Gibbs finally looked at her.

"How do you endure something like this?" he whispered. Kate felt the tears burn her eyes as she took a deep breath.

"As best you can. This is the worst thing a parent can go through," she replied softly. He nodded. "All you can do is support Jeb and pray that all goes well."

"When I first found out I was a father…it was a shock. I didn't know how I felt about the fact that I had a pair of boys looking up at me expecting greatness. Little did they know that I was looking up at them, not the other way around. They were so strong in their struggle through a tormented life that I was proud of them.

They became a big part of my life even if I did hide it from every other soul in my life. It wasn't that I didn't want them in the main focus of my life, they were. I don't know why I hid them from view all those years, never letting anyone, besides Ducky, know. It was part of the barriers I built to protect. I think I was protecting myself and them from the horror of my miserable attempt at life. I didn't know how to let them in. I didn't know how to beat the walls. It was something that I did subconsciously.

I don't know how to explain it, Kate, I don't know why I am the way I am except that it is a burden of pain and betrayal that has buried my heart in a thick layer of steel that a gremlin watches guard over. How do I defeat that? How do I discard so many years of instinctive defensive scarring?"

Kate didn't know how to respond to that. She knew he needed to talk and she was going to let him. She wasn't going to interrupt him and let the moment pass within him. He knew she was there, she didn't have to remind him.

"Pain is a funny thing, it never goes away. You can get past it but deep down that pain is still there. It carries with you wherever you go, a piece always reminding you of an end that could happen. You never get used to pain, you never escape it either, it haunts your heart and mind like a nagging ghost as you try to plow ahead through life."

Kate again waited patiently. She had never heard him speak like this and quite frankly she was a little worried. She knew how much stress this was putting on him and the added burden of her risking everything to come out here was weighing on his mind as well. She didn't know where his monologue was going and she was a little bit afraid of the destination.

"Fighting it is a little useless. Fighting love is useless too. You can try to ignore it and hope it goes away but it won't. Not if it's truly love. Love for a son is the truest love I'd experienced until Hunter came along and increased the love ten fold for both son and grandson. And now another grandchild. Who will care for them if Jeb doesn't come through? How will they grow up never really knowing their father, and Hunter already losing both parents and now his uncle may be gone too. I don't know how to help him."

"The only thing you can do, Jethro, is to be there by their sides no matter what happens, no matter what the pain is." Gibbs nodded and laid back on the bed. Kate waited a minute before she continued. "There is nothing that can make me leave you, you know that right?"

Gibbs sat up again and stared at Kate. "I'm sorry you had to quit NCIS to be here, I'm sorry…"

"Jethro, don't apologize. It's not your fault, I made the choice."

Gibbs nodded again and leaned back on his elbows. He watched Kate and even though he vowed never to marry again that familiar feeling was stirring in his gut. Only this time it felt a little bit different than the first three. Maybe that was all practice, he thought to himself. Anything is possible. He felt the urge to say something, but couldn't bring himself to do it. The words wouldn't come out. His mind was still weary of the words, after three attempts.

"What?" Kate asked turning on her side to face him. He smiled but didn't say anything. He didn't want to ruin the moment. He was content. Kate smiled back and shrugged. She would take what she could get.

Jeb stood quietly in his living room. They had already laid Hunter in his bed and he was deep asleep. Donovan stood in the hallway, staring at the floor. Kylie had already turned in, saying she was tired.

Jeb knew Donovan wanted to say something but was hesitant. He waited him out. He knew his friend well enough now that eventually he would speak his piece. Jeb walked over to the recliner and flopped heavily into the cushion. Donovan looked up and sighed. He walked over and leaned stiffly against the back of the couch.

"You good?" Donovan asked in a quiet voice.

"As good as I can be."

"I'm worried about you."

"I know."

"Things are going to start moving fast. You ready?"

"No. I'm not ready to have my head sliced open and meat removed, I'm not ready to have another baby around, and I'm not ready to grow up. Shit, R. J. What the hell happened to me?"

"You're getting old," Donovan said with a grin.

"Shut up," Jeb said with a smile. "Twenty-five is not old."

"Ok. Look just…"

"Yeah, I'm fucking scared ok? I'm ragged inside trying to figure out how to beat this fucking thing. I hate this, R. J. I fucking hate it. I'm so messed up that I can't think straight anymore. And Kylie…how the hell is she supposed to deal with this. Christ. I don't know anymore. I don't know what to think. I'm paralyzed with fear and I'm stuck on a glass window that's shattering and there's nothing on the other side. How do I get off of it?"

Donovan saw the raw fear finally explode in Jeb's eyes. He saw the tears start to fall from his eyes. He saw his friend finally meet that point of no return. He was excepting he had no control over his fate. He was learning that he had to put full faith in the doctor that was going to operate. Donovan made his way around the couch and sat down facing Jeb.

"Let it out, Brother, let it out. No need keeping that shit in. Just makes for more tumors in there."

"Not funny."

"Yeah, ok bad joke."

"Speaking of jokes, Kayden said I should grow it and put in on the mantle at Mom's."

"Funny kid."

"Yeah. But I think he is making jokes to deal with the hard facts. You know neither one of them told me how they felt. I know Jasie is all scared because she cries a lot, but Kayden is so closed off. Scares me how he's taking this. Or how he will react if…"

"Don't finish that."

"Right."

"Things will be ok. I know it. Just gotta go with the flow and hang on for dear life."

TBC……………………………………