AN: Sorry about the delay guys, had a bit of writer's block this week. Managed to get this chapter out today and I hope you enjoy. Leave me a note. Thank you to everyone who is reading this story and for those that have left reviews. It means a lot. dark rolling sea.
Chapter Twenty Three
It was late when they got back to the hotel. Gibbs lay on his back on the bed with his arms behind his head and stared at the ceiling. Kate was standing at the balcony doors watching the nightlife fly by. Neither one spoke. They both knew the under lying risk of the operation that Jeb was to undergo. They both knew there was that possibility that he wouldn't make it. It bothered Gibbs that Donovan had put more into Dr. Youngblood's worries than Jeb did.
Kate turned finally and looked down at him. He had his eyes glued to the tiles above but she could tell he wasn't in the room with her. That was all right with her. She knew he was dealing with this better now than he had been. She felt confident that he was going to get through this. Finally Gibbs broke the thick silence in the room.
"I'm worried about what Donovan said about the surgeon's concerns."
"I'm sure it's ok."
"Just that Jeb isn't as strong as he makes himself out to be. I see the change in him since the accident. He compensates extremely well but its still there. He's weaker…"
"I'm sure that the doctors won't put him under unless they are sure it's ok."
"But you see they have too. The tumor will kill him if they don't. It'll just be more gradual than the sudden in the surgery."
"I don't think we have a choice in the matter. I think that it's a matter of faith and believing," Kate replied, her fingers absently toying with the cross she wore. Gibbs looked up at her then his eyes came to rest on the cross in her hands. He stared at it trying to understand the blind faith. He closed his eyes.
"Blind faith. Never understood it."
"That's the power of it, Jethro. If you can believe blindly think of what you could do if it showed itself."
"It sure would make it easier to believe in."
"It's all around if you look," she said quietly and then joined him on the bed. He looked at her skeptically and then shook his head again.
"Nothing is certain. It could be anything. It could be nothing. There is no tangible proof. There is no evidence that is undeniable."
"Time will tell. I will believe enough for the both of us," she said softly as she felt sleep overcoming her exhausted body.
Kate was soon asleep while Gibbs lay wide awake cradling her in his arms. He would not sleep this night and figured he wouldn't get much sleep until after the operation. The last few days floated through his head at random intervals as he tried to come to grips.
He felt mixed emotions about the news of another grandchild. He was happy that Jeb and Kylie were going to have a family, but he was worried about Jeb not surviving and another of his grandchildren growing up fatherless. He knew the child would have a strong family atmosphere but there was the chance that the child would never know his father. That pained Gibbs.
He didn't know how to feel about the doctor's apparent anxiety about Jeb's previous accident, the chance that he was not strong enough to undergo the surgery that he needed. He knew his son was strong, but just how much damage was Jeb hiding from him. He thought about calling Dr. Nash in the morning to talk about it but decided that that would be an invasion of privacy. The thought stuck with him though and he figured he may call anyway.
He thought about Kate. He thought about their past year together and what it has meant to him. The feeling of completeness he gets when she is around. The fear of losing her. The companionship she offers him. She is his best friend, his lover, she is his other half. He thinks about the thoughts of marriage that he had recently and the fact that he had vowed never to marry again.
How did Kate feel about that? His fourth attempt he thought as he looked at her. Wasn't it supposed to be third times a charm? He sighed and looked at the clock. It was going to be a long night at this rate. His brain was still spinning and it looked like no sleep in sight.
He thought about how much Kate had sacrificed to be by his side at this trying moment, to be a part of his family in their time of need. He thought about her resigning from NCIS. It was because of him. He knew that. He felt guilty because of it. But he also felt a tinge of pride that she would leave everything for him. He thought about if the roles had been reversed. If it had been one of her brothers, or a member of their families. Would he have reacted in the same manner?
Yes he thought. If she had been distraught he would have done anything to be by her side, to shoulder the burden of her pain, ease the torment of her heart. She had no idea how much she helped just by being next to him. She had no idea how much of the pain she shouldered, how much burden and torment she made go away.
He would tell her he thought. He would let her know what she meant to him and how he felt. His thoughts wandered again. He thought about his life in Washington and what he had there. He thought about what his life would be like in California. He decided that he wasn't ready to retire. He wasn't ready to give up NCIS. He just hoped he could get Kate her job back.
He thought about the rest of his team, how they must be worried about what was going on out here. He had not told them. He did not know if Kate had said anything to them, but he doubted she said too much. That was her way. She felt it wasn't her place to tell his secrets and he appreciated that. It was a relief to him that she waited for him to open up.
He knew he owed them an explanation for his absence. He knew they deserved to know what was going on. He considered them family just the same. He would call them tomorrow he thought. He felt guilty for keeping this from them for so long.
The night crept on as Kate slept and Gibbs pondered. He saw no rest in sight and twice almost gave up on lying in the bed, but with no boat to work on and the risk of waking Kate he stayed put both times. His mind was running fast and he couldn't slow it down. He realized something else; he had almost stopped drinking coffee. Maybe that was the problem with his edginess, his irritability. Then again he was that way with coffee too so maybe it was just him.
He had a craving right then for coffee but it being three in the morning and Kate sleeping soundly next to him he didn't dare get up. He wouldn't know where to get good coffee here at this time of night anyway. He ran his memories of his sons through his head from the moment he met them until now. He relived the life he spent with them deep inside his own head and reopened the wound of losing Jake. He felt the first of the tears fall and he silently re-mourned the loss of his son. He then mourned the thought of losing the other.
He thought of Hunter and all the difficulties the child had faced in his life. He thought about how losing Jeb would affect the little guy and realized it would not be good. He feared that if Hunter lost Jeb the boy would be weary of forming attachments to people. He feared Hunter would no longer want to be close to anyone, fearing that they would die.
He knew he would need to talk to Hunter soon about everything that was happening. He would need to know what the boy thought and felt about this ordeal. He would try his best to explain the workings of life to the boy and help him to understand the pain of loss. Gibbs thought about his own inability to form meaningful relationships after his first divorce. Minus Ducky he had none that meant anything to him; that is until he met Kate. Aside from his boys and later grandson there were no other meaningful relationships in sight.
He knew now he must not let his grandson fall into the same trap that he did. To feel nothing is not to survive. To feel pain is to survive. Scars build character. Emotional scars were a part of life. It was something to deal with head on. He was up to that. He would take charge.
The night dragged on and no sleep came for him. He was ok though. He would make it. He had done this before. Of course he was younger then, a lot younger, but that didn't mean he couldn't still go without. He would push himself to the limit and then some. He was ready for the fight; he was ready to take charge.
TBC…….